How to tell someone they aren't pulling their weight in your relationship

Equality in a relationship is something that's really important to a lot of couples. And if it's something that's important to you, but that you feel is lacking in your relationship, that's a conversation that you likely need to have with your partner. Knowing how to start that conversation, let alone how to prepare for it and where to take the conversation as you're discussing things, can feel daunting or even impossible.

You don't want to unnecessarily hurt your partner's feelings — they're someone that you quite like, after all — but you still want to make sure that your own feelings are being heard and understood. Navigating the conversation sensitively and kindly and keeping it primarily focused on how you're feeling can help you get your message across without destroying the relationship entirely.

1. Be prepared for the conversation.

Being prepared for your conversation is extremely important. It can be difficult to handle a tough conversation if you haven't thought about how it might go beforehand — you can find yourself blind-sided unnecessarily, which can doom the conversation entirely.

"Ask your partner when would be a good time for you to discuss some concerns you have about your roles in the relationship," Dr. Wyatt Fisher, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in marriage counseling and leads couples retreats, told INSIDER. Make sure that the timing works for both of you and make sure they have a general idea of what the conversation will entail. Think about what you want to say before the conversation starts and give them the opportunity to do so also, if they'd like it.

2. Make sure you know what you need in the relationship.

"Every individual is different and has their own needs in relationships," Julie Williamson, LPC, NCC, RPT, a therapist and owner of Abundant Life Counseling St. Louis, told INSIDER. "It's important that if your partner is or isn't doing seemingly small things for you, that you make it known to them what you need from them in order to give them the chance to respond and make changes accordingly. If their response is one of judging, mocking, blaming, etc., instead of listening without judgment and with openness, they may not be the one for you."

In order to talk to your partner about what you need in the relationship, you need to know what it is that you need in the relationship in the first place. Taking some time to think about things by yourself to determine what it is that you need can give you an idea of how the conversation really should go in order for you to explain to your partner how you're feeling.

3. Tell your partner what you need from them rather than just explaining what they aren't doing.

Telling your partner what they're not doing rather than focusing on what you need is just going to make them get defensive because you're going to come across as being accusatory or blaming.

"I think that it is essential that the person communicate their feelings using the word 'I' instead of 'you,'"Emily Mendez, MS, EdS, a writer and mental health expert, told INSIDER. "Starting the conversation with 'you never cook' will likely just lead to an argument."