- Relationship anarchy means realising that love isn't a restricted resource that is limited to a couple.
- It means putting care and attention into all your relationships, and not ranking one above the other.
- People are usually expected to be in monogamous relationships that ride the "relationship escalator," but that isn't for everyone.
- Some people are non-monogamous and decide to love several people at once. If they are relationship anarchists, they don't see a hierarchy within these relationships.
- Monogamous people can be relationship anarchists too — it means not abandoning friends when you become part of a couple.
When someone says they are "in a relationship," people generally assume they're referring to being one of a couple. Writer and editor Amy Gahran told INSIDER this is known as the "relationship escalator," but actually, many people decide they don't want to ride it anymore when they realise there are other options.
For instance, there is an idea called "relationship anarchy," which essentially means love is not a limited resource that is only restricted to a couple. Rather, you can love more than one person at once, and your love for someone doesn't diminish when you get feelings for another.
"It's based on this idea of letting relationships be decided by the people in them rather than decided by outside social forces," author and relationship coach Dedeker Winston told INSIDER.
"And also this idea of not allowing there to be a strict hierarchy in your relationships — like if you have a really close friend and you've been friends since childhood, that doesn't mean if you get a romantic partner all of that goes out the window."
Gahran said people are expected to be on an escalator relationship — go from an initial spark, to dating, to moving in, to marriage, and so on — but this simply doesn't work for some people. People may think they're doing the right thing by seeing a monogamous relationship through to the end, but they can end up making each other miserable in the process, she said.
"My approach to life and love is to have as many strong, healthy connections and interconnections as I can feasibly support," Gahran said. "And because of that I feel like my life is far more resilient, logistically, financially, and emotionally and in terms of achieving whatever goals I want to achieve."
Read more: 7 things people with multiple partners want you to know about what it's really like
Relationship anarchists are often polyamorous, but the same rules can apply to people in monogamous relationships too.
"I think we've all had that experience, where you have a close friend and when they get a boyfriend they just f--- off and you never hear from them again," said Winston. "So relationship anarchists are very much about creating your own agreements between you and this other person, or you and several people, rather that letting your relationships be dictated by preloaded assumptions that come in."
Relationship anarchy was coined by the Swedish writer Andie Nordgren, who wrote "The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy."
Here are some of the main points:
- Don't rank the people you care about, as each relationship is independent.
- Respect others' independence, and try not to be entitled and demanding of people.
- Find what's important to you and set your own core values and use them for all your relationships.
- Don't allow the normative social system in place to dictate how you should live, and what relationships you should be in.
- Be spontaneous.
- Give your loved ones lots of opportunities to communicate, and allow them to withdraw if they need to, as long as you don't compromise on your values.
- Realise what commitments are right for you, and see where your relationships fit in with that — whether that's owning a house, having children, etc.
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