- Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, M.S., LCPC, has spent more than 10 years counseling couples.
- He realized the same process he uses with couples works for companies having workplace communication issues, and began consulting with businesses.
- He writes that communication style differences are often at the root of problems both in a relationship and at the office.
Once upon a time there was an employee and a boss. The boss was very animated, excited and loved to share. He learned by talking things through and enjoyed motivating his employees with more inspiration and intensity.
In the counseling modality that I practice, we call this person a “Maximizer.”
The employee felt a bit overwhelmed by her boss’s intensity and passion. She got quieter, going within, aka, “The Minimizer.” The boss began to think his employee was disinterested, lazy, and unmotivated. This threw the boss into a frenzy, pounding more of his excitement and “motivational” advice onto the employee.
The same issues that challenge married couples challenge workplaces, too
In Imago therapy, the marriage counseling methodology that I’ve been practicing with couples for over a decade, no relationship is immune to the differences of the maximizer and minimizer. Sometimes the discrepancy is striking, other times not as much, but here is how it can manifest.
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There’s usually one partner who is louder, more animated, expressive, social, wanting to share his/her feelings immediately. The quieter partner prefers to avoid difficult conversations, often intimidated by the frequent eruptions and passion of the Maximizer, and as a result, he/she gets quieter, more introspective, a bit avoidant, you get the picture.
Surprise, surprise, this creates some conflict in the relationships as one begins to judge the other as “lazy,” unreliable, not trustworthy, disinterested, unmotivated, unpredictable, volatile, etc.
How this affects you at work
For managers, bosses, and C-suite level management, knowing your tendency to maximize or minimize is going to help you and your employees immensely.
The secret lies in the emotional regulation and safety that you begin to provide.
No, there won’t be any decrease in productivity or the quality and timeliness of the work needing to be completed, but what you will experience is a safer work culture where employees feel like they have a voice.
Harvard Business Review cites the 2009 Wyatt study that shows that companies that communicate effectively had a 47% higher return to shareholders over a five-year period (mid-2004 to mid-2009).
Meaning, companies that talk the way employees want to hear, bosses that do a good job listening, and customers that feel validated and understood are the ones will be more valuable than companies that don’t.
I’ve found that these communication style differences are not industry specific and can creep up in just about any work environment, from the largest Fortune 500 corporation to small businesses with just a few employees. When a boss works to create emotional safety for their teams through the use of safer communication strategies, the results are monumental.
Not unlike a marriage that is saved after both parties work to create emotional safety for their partner using safe and intentional communication, which I see happen all the time in my office.
What does safe communication at home and in the workplace look like?
Like everything else in life, it starts with awareness. Maximizers need to know how threatening they can come across. Maximizers have a great desire to be seen. Where it gets threatening for maximizers is when they get little to no response or attention. Minimizers have a hard time with strong emotions but their preference of staying out of the spotlight and not be on the receiving end of strong emotions can seem uncaring to the maximizer, causing them to unleash even stronger.
How did these roles develop? This dates back to childhood and how our needs got met as children. Did we have to make a lot of noise to be seen and understood? Or did we go quiet to get safe and to protect ourselves from volatile situations?
Couples often marry someone with the opposite trait — and where marriage gets difficult is when those differences clash (typically about the six month mark).
They suddenly wake to the unpleasant reality of the “cliche crash” where “you complete me” and “we are one” is no longer and what lays in its stead are two very different people with their own separate experiences and preferences in life.
The same goes true for companies and employees. After the initial euphoria of finding the perfect hire wears off, we are left with the startling reality that this person is very different from who I thought they were.
Therefore, learning communication techniques such as making appointments to talk before starting conversations, using “I” statements, toning down intense emotion and self regulating, eliminating blame and shame from feedback, clarifying messages, mirroring others, and validation of feelings, can all be workplace strategies that lead to a safer culture where employees have a voice.
Uncomfortable? Perhaps. But worth the end result that comes from the stretching and growing.
After working with high conflict couples for over a decade in his marriage counseling practice, The Marriage Restoration Project, Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, M.S., LCPC discovered that the same process he uses with couples is exactly what companies need to do to sort out their workplace and communication differences. Slatkin Communications was born, providing effective communication to corporations needing to enhance their internal corporate culture through workshops, training, and consulting.
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