Consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships are those in which all of the partners involved agree that having sexual and/or romantic relationships with other persons is acceptable.

CNM relationships can take many different forms, including polyamory, swinging, and open relationships, and it is important to note that people may negotiate the rules and boundaries of these relationship structures very differently. One of the most common questions people have about these relationships is how common they are and who enters them.

Let's take a look at what the research says.

Unfortunately, there is not a lot of great data out there on this topic. One of the main reasons for this is because, until recently, many researchers failed to make a distinction between consensual and nonconsensual non-monogamy. These are not the same thing.

Nonconsensual non-monogamy occurs when an individual commits infidelity or cheats on a partner with whom they have agreed to be monogamous. This is very different from consensual non-monogamy, in which everyone is aware of and has agreed to permit outside sexual and/or romantic involvements. 

We lack current, nationally representative datasets that can give us an accurate picture of the overall prevalence of CNM relationships. The best available data we have comes from a large online survey published in 2014 [1]. In total, data from 2,395 participants who were currently involved in relationships were analyzed. All participants were recruited through Craigslist or Facebook for a study of "attitudes toward relationships." This study was not specifically advertised as focusing on CNM so as not to bias the sample in that direction. As part of this survey, participants were asked whether they identified as being consensually non-monogamous and (separately) whether they were currently participating in CNM behavior.

Overall, 5.3% of participants identified that their relationship was CNM.

Overall, 5.3% of participants identified their relationship as consensual non-monogamy.

Results for the behavioral measure were almost identical. Thus, both forms of measurement tended to yield similar numbers. Compared to participants who said they were monogamous, those who reported engaging in consensual non-monogamy were significantly more likely to be male and to be non-heterosexual. There were no differences between the two groups in terms of race and age. 

Do these results mean that men and nonheterosexuals are inherently more interested in CNM relationships compared to women and heterosexuals? Not necessarily.

With regard to the gender difference, it could just be that women are less likely than men to pursue CNM and/or report involvement in such relationships due to the sexual double standard, or the idea that women tend to be judged more harshly than men for engaging in the same sexual behaviors. In addition, because CNM is considered to be more acceptable in the gay community than it is in the heterosexual community, this may account for why nonheterosexuals are statistically more inclined to pursue it. 

Of course, these data are limited. Participants were recruited online through two websites, so we're not dealing with a nationally representative sample here. That said, these results do at least give us some sense of what the prevalence of CNM might be among US internet users; however, research with larger and more diverse samples is warranted in order to give us an even better view of just how common CNM tends to be and why certain demographic groups appear more likely to report involvement in these relationships than others.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology ? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates.

[1] Rubin, J. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., Ziegler, A., & Conley, T. D. (2014). On the margins: Considering diversity among consensually non-monogamous relationships. Journal für Psychologie,22(1).

SEE ALSO: What to do when your relationship has a 'desire discrepancy'

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Some people instantly make us feel important. Some people instantly make us feel special. Some people light up a room just by walking in.

We can't always define it, but some people have "it"— they're naturally charismatic.

Unfortunately, natural charisma quickly loses its impact. Familiarity breeds, well, familiarity.

But some people have the ability to maintain real charisma over time. They build and maintain great relationships, positively influence the people around them, and consistently make people feel better about themselves. They're the kind of people everyone wants to be around … and wants to be.

Fortunately we can all be more charismatic, because charisma isn't about our level of success, or our presentation skills, or how we dress, or the image we project — charisma is about what we do.

Here are ways you can be more charismatic:

1. Listen way more than you talk.

Ask questions. Maintain eye contact. Smile. Frown. Nod. Respond — not so much verbally, but nonverbally.

That's all it takes to show the other person they're important.

Then when you do speak, don't offer advice unless you're asked. Listening shows you care a lot more than offering advice, because when you offer advice in most cases you make the conversation about you, not them.

Don't believe me? Who is, "Here's what I would do …" about: you, or the other person?

Only speak when you have something important to say — and always define important as what matters to the other person, not to you.

2. Don't practice selective hearing.

Some people — I guarantee you know a few like this — are incapable of hearing anything said by the people they feel are somehow beneath them.

Sure, you speak to them, but that particular falling tree doesn't make a sound in the forest, because there's no one actually listening.

Incredibly charismatic people listen closely to everyone, and they make all of us, regardless of our position or social status or "level," feel like we have something in common with them.

Because we do.

3. Always put your stuff away.

Don't check your phone. Don't glance at your monitor. Don't focus on anything else, even for a moment.

You can never connect with others if you're busy connecting with your stuff, too.

Give the gift of full attention. That's a gift few people give. That gift alone will make others want to be around you and remember you.

4. Always give before you receive — knowing you may never receive.

Never think about what you can get. Focus on what you can provide. Giving is the only way to establish a real connection and relationship.

Focus, even in part and even for a moment, on what you can get out of the other person, and you show that the only person who really matters is you.

Just give. Be remarkably giving. Don't worry about whether you will someday receive.

5. Don't act self-important …

The only people who are impressed by your stuffy, pretentious, self-important persona are other stuffy, pretentious, self-important people.

The rest of us aren't impressed. We're irritated, put off, and uncomfortable.

And we aren't too thrilled when you walk in the room.

6. … Since you know other people are more important.

You already know what you know. You know your opinions. You know your perspective and point of view.

That stuff isn't important, because it's already yours. You can't learn anything from yourself.

But you don't know what other people know, and everyone, no matter who they are, knows things you don't know.

That automatically makes them a lot more important than us because they're people we can learn from.

7. Shine the spotlight on others.

No one receives enough praise. No one. Tell people what they did well.

Wait, you say you don't know what they did well?

Shame on you — it's your job to know. It's your job to find out ahead of time.

Not only will people appreciate your praise, they'll appreciate the fact you care enough to pay attention to what they do.

And they will feel a little more accomplished — and a lot more important.

8. Choose your attitude — and your words.

The words you use affect the attitude of others — and they affect you.

For example, you don't have to go to a meeting; you get to go meet with other people. You don't have to create a presentation for a new client; you get to share cool stuff with other people. You don't have to go to the gym; you get to work out and improve your health and fitness.

You don't have to interview job candidates; you get to select a great person to join your team.

We all want to associate with happy, enthusiastic, fulfilled people. The approach you take and the words you choose can help other people feel better about themselves — and make you feel better about yourself, too.

9. Don't discuss the failings of others …

Granted, we all like hearing a little gossip. We all like hearing a little dirt.

The problem is, we don't necessarily like — and we definitely don't respect — the people who dish that dirt.

Don't laugh at other people. When you do, the people around you wonder if you sometimes laugh at them.

10. … But readily admit your own failings.

Incredibly successful people are often assumed to have charisma simply because they are successful — their success can seem to create a halo effect, almost like a glow.

The key word is "seem."

You don't have to be incredibly successful to be extremely charismatic. Scratch the shiny surface, and many successful people have the charisma of a rock.

But you do have to be incredibly genuine to be extremely charismatic.

Be humble. Share your screwups. Admit your mistakes and be the lesson learned.

And definitely laugh at yourself. When you do, other people won't laugh at you. They'll laugh with you.

And they'll like you better for it … and want to be around you a lot more.

SEE ALSO: 9 Things Incredibly Attractive People Do

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Wanting to try new activities is normal for all couples in relationships. Depending on the idea, some can be more difficult to discuss than others.

Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus, a sexual-dysfunction specialist and the clinical director of The Medical Center For Female Sexuality, reveals this tip to heating up your relationship and how to approach the subject.

Produced by Sam Rega. Camera by Jason Gaines.

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Jeff Motske, certified financial planner and author of "The Couple's Guide to Financial Compatibility" specializes in advising couples about the role of money in their relationships.

He's found that couples who are too much alike often run into money problems later on — but only in one case.

If you and your partner are both big spenders, you may be headed for trouble.

"I see a lot of people who pile up debt on their credit cards and don't save a dime because, after all, YOLO — you only live once!" he writes.

"They have a grand old time until the credit cards are maxed out and the bill collectors come a calling."

On the other hand, couples who appear at first to be financially incompatible may not necessarily be doomed.

Savers and spenders often balance each other out, as long as they're willing to talk about their differences and work out a compromise. 

"Opposites attract in relationships, and that applies to finances as well," Motske writes. "Though you're never going to agree on everything — and that's all right — you must agree to communicate."

SEE ALSO: 77% Of People In Relationships Think Men Should Pay On The First Date

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NOW WATCH: JAMES ALTUCHER: Why investing in a 401(k) is a complete waste of money

The question that most people ask themselves as they walk into their boss's office to negotiate their salaries is likely some variant of "What am I going to say?" But according to hostage negotiator Chris Voss, that might be the least important thing to keep in mind when negotiating.

Voss, now an adjunct professor at Georgetown University's McDonough School of Business, spent 24 years at the FBI. It was as an FBI agent that he started to get interested in hostage negotiations.

At the time, a supervisor told him to start by volunteering at a suicide hotline to gain the set of listening abilities that a hostage negotiator needs. By 1992, he was training at the FBI's school for negotiators, and from 2004 to 2007, he was the FBI's lead international hostage negotiator. After retirement, Voss founded The Black Swan Group to bring negotiation know-how to the business world.

I recently spoke with Voss about how to use negotiation strategies to better ask for raises at work. The transcript of our conversation has been edited for clarity.

Bourree Lam: Is there a disconnect between what people commonly think a negotiation is and what it actually involves?

Chris Voss: Absolutely. The most dangerous negotiation is the one you don't know you're in. We use that at my company. People typically only believe they're in a negotiation when dollars are involved. And maybe sometimes they're smart enough to see if there's a commodity that you can count being exchanged. And of course the commodity that we most commonly exchange is money.

In reality, every single negotiation involves another commodity that's far more important to us which is time—minutes, hours, our investment in time. So even if you're talking about dollars, the commodity of time is always there because there has to be a discussion about how the commodity of dollars is moved ... This is what I learned in hostage negotiation, a ransom demand is irrelevant. Trying to get the money is the challenge ... Price is only one term in any negotiation. In a job negotiation, your salary is only one term. And typically you could take almost any price, or any salary and make that a great deal or a lousy deal depending on the terms.

Lam: How to get the money is a little more straightforward in a salary negotiation as opposed to a hostage negotiation. So what terms are we talking about in a job negotiation?

Voss: In a job negotiation, the implementation of that deal is your success that also causes the company to succeed. Most people just say, "Hey look, just pay me a high enough salary and I'll be a superstar." Or "I'm so good, as long as you pay me enough I'm going to be worth it." Two things: What if the position you're taking doesn't give you any sort of authority or influence? Something as small as the job title. You can't implement anything you want to do if you don't have the authority beyond soft power, based on your position to get people to listen to you. You can't be successful without that, and that's one of many terms.

Lam: What are the basics of negotiation strategy and can you describe what we should pay attention to? For example, what's tactical listening?

Voss: You have to have an understanding of what you're listening for, and it's much more important to have thought that out in advance ... one of the key issues in this is listening for a future between you and the other party ... For a hostage negotiator, when I've got a guy barricaded in a bank or I've got fugitives barricaded in the 27th floor of a high rise apartment—which I've had—the first thing I want to say to him is: "I'm here to make sure you get out alive."

Lam: That's interesting because when most people go into salary negotiations, they're often overly focused on what to say—the script—and not listening.

Voss: Yeah exactly, they're focused on what to say and they're really focused on one objective. Everybody's very focused on getting a good salary, and so then the problem with those two things are the more focused you are, the more you have blinders on. We like to say that the key to flexibility is don't be so sure of what you want that you wouldn't take something better. If you're focused on the number, you're not seeing the other possibilities.

We'll get back to how you can push that number higher. One of the ways is to talk about other things. The more pleasant you are in an interaction ... there's some data out there that says that people are six times more likely to get what they want if they're likable. So you put yourself in a position to push very hard the more likable that you are. People most of the time think that in order to push very hard, "I gotta be tough." In reality it's the opposite: The nicer you are, the harder you can push.

Lam: I think most people struggle with that because those two things seem to work against each other. How do you put those two things together, being nice and pushing hard?

Voss: First thing is understanding that it works. Once you know that then it's easy to have confidence in the approach. If I say something to you with a smile, I know you're more likely to collaborate than if I'm being really direct ... that's exactly what a hostage negotiator does. The more easy we are, the more reassuring we are, the harder we can push.

Lam: What do you mean by pushing?

Voss: It's reminding the other side of what you would like, and what's also very important are calibrated questions. Every question you ask anyone impacts them on two levels: an emotional and an intellectual level. We construct and calibrate every question to have an emotional impact; most people only think of the intellectual impact. We want to have an influence on what that emotional impact is.

Lam: Can you give me an example?

Voss: So if someone says, "Let's revisit your raise in 3 months," what you want to do is not let that go. Put them in a position that makes them sound like that's an unacceptable response. You ask this question and in this way: "How am I supposed to do that?" You have to use those exact words. There are two or three possible answers to that, and you want to be prepared for all three. One is "You're right, you can't." The very worst possible answer that everyone imagines is "Because you have to." How bad is that? The reality is that there's no downside to that answer, and that's maybe 20 percent of the time.

Lam: Why is that not bad? My instincts say that's bad.

Voss: First of all, you found out they're not going to budge, which makes you 10 times smarter than you were 60 seconds ago. Part of the purpose of what we said is to diagnose whether there's any room in their position. That's critical to how you move forward. Is there any room and can I navigate it? So now you've just found out there's no room, which makes you smarter. And now you can make an informed decision, you know for sure there's only one or two choices—and that's walk away or agree.

Lam: When you hear something you don't want to hear in a negotiation, is it important to stay calm and realize you're "smarter"?

Voss: Yes, the real way to do that is the more you're focusing on how the other side is reacting the less you react. It's like a magic trick of keeping your own emotions under control. By listening very intently to the other side and also maintaining a positive external demeanor, that moves you from the very emotional side of your brain into the very rational side. That automatically helps you stay calm.

Lam: What about other kinds of deflections? What if your manager says, "It's not a good time," or "We don't negotiate," or "We don't have the budget"? Is there anything you can say to find out if that's really their position?

Voss:  The first is the question. The second is to say the statement: "It seems like there's nothing you can do." People do not like to feel powerless, what it does is it makes the other side feel like they might be somewhat powerless. They're going to want to search for answers. And certainly for someone higher than you in the hierarchy, the last thing they want to look to you, a subordinate, is to look powerless. It threatens their identity and authority. They're not going to be comfortable saying yes to that ... The key to any negotiation with the people you work for is deference, there's great power in deference. So you can make a statement if you're being very deferential. All you're doing is making an observation about the environment, you're not accusing them directly of that. You're not making a judgement.

Lam: How much research should a person do before negotiation?

Voss:The important thing is context. The research is helpful, but it may or may not have any impact on your company's ability to pay you that. You have to understand market prices, but you also have to understand a market price does not impact a buyer's ability to pay. Your employer might not be able to pay the price you're looking for ... they actually want to see you not give in and be very pleasant at the same time because they know that's how you're going to deal with them in a continuing basis as you work with them. And they don't want a colleague who gives in, but they also don't want a colleague who's a jerk.

Lam: What do you think about mentioning competing offers during a salary negotiation? There's a feeling that it's hard to know one's market price without a competing offer, or that not having a competing offer means not having any bargaining chips. Is it seen as uncooperative? Is it better to just focus on performance and goals?

Voss: You never want the other side to feel like you're taking them hostage. And so a lot of people have really ruined their opportunities by trying to create an auction, and the other side feels very manipulated by that, and that's very problematic. And especially if they don't have the ability to pay. They might not have the ability to give you the salary you're looking for. And so now you kind of take them hostage, and they're going to resent that as well. I don't counsel that. The thing that I most frequently coach current and former students ... we just don't talk about competing salaries because the other side is going to resent it. It's a lot more important to talk about the abilities that they have and the goals for the future that they have.

Lam: What's the most useful thing to keep in mind for negotiation that you've heard from your students?

Voss: The most useful thing to keep in mind really is this is a bit of an audition for how you're going to interact with these people if you make the team. So they want someone who is pleasant and doesn't give in. That's what they're hoping for because at some point in time, you're going to be their champion, and they're going to want you to be able to stand up for them the same way that you stand up for yourself and maintain good relationships. Then, within that context, you've got a lot of latitude.

Once you can do those two things, you've now got an awful lot of latitude to be able to pleasantly persist, if you will, because people are going to want to collaborate with you. They're going to want to find solutions, especially if you want to invest in their future as well. How do you turn this from being all about you to being about us? Because now they want to take a chance on you. They want to give you more latitude if it's about us. It becomes us when you start talking with them about 'how do we prosper together? How can I be involved in making sure this company prospers?'

Lam: What do you recommend with respect to anchoring? One nightmare for employees negotiating salary is when a company asks you to name a price. What's a good way to deal with this tricky question?

Voss: The first thing to do is say, very gently, "Are you making me an offer, or are you fishing for information?" That's the first response, and you have to wait to see how they respond from that point forward. Now, understand that in any negotiation, and this is a negotiation like any other, they've got a range of numbers in mind to begin with, and what they're trying to do is they're trying to collect information so that they properly categorize you, and then you land in that range. Now, the harder that you force to get to the top of that range, the less give there's going to be on other issues that might be more important, so it's generally not a good idea to get to the absolute top of that range.

But the next thing to ask is, after you've asked a couple of times and you say to the other side, "Alright, I'm sure you have a range in mind." And people are a lot more comfortable responding with a range than responding with a given number. They're much more likely to respond. So what you've done is, you want to continue to be responsive to their question, but you're not putting yourself in a position where you're going to get cornered over a number. And this is not the same thing as stalling. This is responding to different things within what they've said as opposed to ducking the answer entirely. And then, what you should do is, if you know the market, if they're still pushing you, pushing you, pushing you, pushing you and they still haven't thrown a number out, what you need to do then is throw out a range yourself, and it's got to be a high range.

Lam: What's the role of empathy in negotiations?

Voss: I view it as being critical. It's critical to negotiations. Typically what people think is, "I either have to be assertive or I have to be empathetic." So what that means is, in order for me to try to push even harder for what I want, that means I have to be less understanding of their position, which, when you put it like that, it makes absolutely no sense ... That sounds like nonsense when you put it like that, but nobody realizes that's what they're saying. "I want to push harder for what I'm going to get, so I need to push harder instead of being understanding." And we've actually taken a bit of a spin on empathy, and we refer to it as a 'proactive empathy.' Because now that you begin to recognize that everything you say is going to have an emotional impact on the other side, and most of these impacts are imminently predictable, what you now do is you begin to navigate these emotions before they even occur, if that doesn't sound like too much mumbo-jumbo.

Lam: That actually just sounds hard to do.

Voss: It takes some practice, and I think you had a question about preparation as well. And that's exactly the issue. Most people only prepare for the numbers, they don't prepare for the emotional dynamics that the negotiation is going to engage in. So this is just simply adding in your preparation, adding a little bit more preparation to understand the emotional dynamics. Like if I ask you for more money than you can pay, you're obviously going to become uncomfortable with that. You don't have to be a genius to know that. It's effectively a proactive application of emotional intelligence.

Lam: Research has shown that women negotiate starting offers at a much lower rate than men. In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg recommends that women use "we" and communal language to negotiate in order to avoid social costs. What do you think of that approach?

Voss: It's a good approach in that what you're trying to do there is you're trying to create the collaborative relationship there. What I would do is take it a step farther. You know, the hostage negotiator, from the very beginning, "I want to talk about how I'm going to help you with your future. I'm here to make sure that you live." That's all about me salvaging your future. So let's take the Sheryl Sandberg and take it the next level up to the hostage negotiator approach. Sheryl Sandberg is about here and now. Let's be partners now. And a hostage negotiator is: Here's a vision of the future that we both exist in. So that's taking what she's talking about a step farther. How do you hire me in a way that your company flourishes because you hired me? And all of a sudden, the other side, the emotional impact there is, "Wow, you want me to flourish. You're not here just to make you well and happy, you want to make me wealthy too by our collaboration."

How is you giving me what I want a path to what you want? Everybody's interactions is we all say to ourselves, what's in it for me? Why should I do this for this person? Well, it gets me what I want. And what's the thing that we can all agree to begin with. In business, we can all agree that we want to be wealthy. A hostage negotiator's agreement with the guy who's barricaded is, "I want you to live." So if my approach to you is, "I want you to be famous for hiring me. I want your promotions in many cases to come because I was so successful because you hired me, working for you. I propelled your career as a great hire." You want to say things that make the other side stop and think and then rethink their position. And they'll only rethink that position if it benefits them. So that's how you take, in an employment negotiation, you want them to rethink their position where they're thinking of you as being a critical component of their future success.

Lam: Is the bottom line to keep everybody feeling good?

Voss: It is because the profitability of any agreement, the success of any agreement, comes from implementation. And you need happy partners because you need them to implement. So you only find out if you make your money after the agreement when you go to implement it. And if they're mad at me, if they're unhappy with me, then that implementation is horrible. Every chance they get to not do something, they're going to cut a corner, or they're going to deny me a benefit because they're going to be mad about how I got them into the agreement. They're going to remember how I got them into the agreement. I know they're going to remember how we got into it. I need them to remember it in a positive way.

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Being with someone for a long time changes the way you see the world. It also changes you. Everything from how you act to the way you think shifts in ever-so-slight ways.

And according to Joshua Wolf Shenk, the author of "Powers of Two," these tiny shifts are also the catalyst for a different kind of thought process — a shared mind, so to speak — that allows couples (romantic or not) to come up with more creative solutions to problems than they'd ever think up on their own.

Here are some of the signs psychologists have observed that they say characterize such a shared mind.

1. You and your partner develop your own private language.

Ever get a text from your significant other that means absolutely nothing on its own but carries a certain significance that you can't quite explain? 

This "insider" language is one of the first signs that the two of you are operating in sync, writes Shenk. According to a study from University of Texas professor of communication Robert Hopper, secret communication accomplishes two things: First, it helps deepen your bond — romantic or platonic. Second, it establishes a unique, shared identity. 

Private language can include everything from inside jokes to nicknames, writes Ohio State University psychologist Carol Bruess in a study of romantic couples. Bruess' research suggests a link between how often partners use these private words and how satisfied they are with their relationship. Bruess found that the more often couples used secret words and phrases, the happier they tended to say they were. 

2. You stop self-censoring.

The way most of us speak with strangers, acquaintances and even close friends is markedly different from how we talk when we're alone with our partner.

When we're with others, most of us "self-monitor." That is, we try to please the people around us by adapting our behavior to suit theirs.

But when we're with an inmate partner, we let go of this pattern of behavior and instead "talk fluidly and naturally," Shenk writes. In other words, we stop having to constantly check ourselves before we speak. We're more candid and more open. 

Many of the pairs Shenk talks to in his book have such a relationship. University of California Berkeley psychologist Daniel Kahneman, for example, tells Shenk: "Like most people, I am somewhat cautious about exposing tentative thoughts to others." But after he'd spent a few years working with his research partner, cognitive psychologist Amos Tverksy, "this caution was completely absent."

3. You start to sound alike.

In addition to having their own private vocabulary, long term couples eventually "start to match each other in the basic rhythms and syntactical structures of their speech," writes Shenk.

Part of that is a result of a phenomenon that psychologists call "emotional contagion." Basically, when two people spend enough time together, they begin to match each other's speech patterns. We mimic everything from the other person's accent to the amount and length of pauses he or she puts between words and sentences.

There's some evidence to suggest that these changing speech patterns can even serve as one indicator of how long a couple might stay together.

Part of a 2010 study of language use among couples that looked at couples' text messages, for example, found that when two people "sounded" more alike (in terms of the words and language structure they used in their messages) they were also more likely to still be dating three months later.

4. You start to look alike.

In his influential 1987 study, psychologist Robert Zajonc found that there's a very obvious reason that married couples start to look alike: They use the same muscles so often that, over time, they start to mirror each other. 

This coordination of movement isn't accidental, says Shenk. Instead, it "reflects what psychologists call a 'shared coordinative structure' which includes how we harmonize our gaze, body sway, and the little mannerisms and idiosyncrasies of how we speak.

5. You have a bunch of inside jokes that no one else thinks are funny.

Research suggests that couples are more likely to mirror each other's body language — which in turn makes them look alike — because they're drawing from a wealth of knowledge that only they share. This "insider info"— all of your shared experiences and memories — informs your gestures, posture, and the words and phrases you use with each other. 

A 2007 study, for example, found that people were more likely to copy each other's eye gaze when they'd both heard the same background information before their conversation. 

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Since in many species, sperm is males' only contribution to reproduction, biologists have long puzzled about why evolutionary selection, known for its ruthless efficiency, allows them to exist.

Now British scientists have an explanation: Males are required for a process known as "sexual selection" which helps species to ward off disease and avoid extinction.

A system where all offspring are produced without sex -- as in all-female asexual populations -- would be far more efficient at reproducing greater numbers of offspring, the scientists said.

But in research published in the journal Nature on Monday, they found that sexual selection, in which males compete to be chosen by females for reproduction, improves the gene pool and boosts population health, helping explain why males are important.

An absence of selection -- when there is no sex, or no need to compete for it -- leaves populations weaker genetically, making them more vulnerable to dying out.

"Competition among males for reproduction provides a really important benefit, because it improves the genetic health of populations," said professor Matt Gage, who led the work at Britain's University of East Anglia.

"Sexual selection achieves this by acting as a filter to remove harmful genetic mutations, helping populations to flourish and avoid extinction in the long-term."

Almost all multi-cellular species reproduce using sex, but its existence is not easy to explain biologically, Gage said, because sex has big downsides -- including that only half of the offspring, the daughters, will produce offspring themselves.

"Why should any species waste all that effort on sons?" he said.

In their study, Gage's team evolved Tribolium flour beetles over 10 years under controlled laboratory conditions, where the only difference between populations was the intensity of sexual selection during each adult reproductive stage.

The strength of sexual selection ranged from intense competition -- where 90 males competed for only 10 females -- through to the complete absence of sexual selection, with monogamous pairings in which females had no choice and males no competition.

After seven years of reproduction, representing about 50 generations, the scientists found that populations where there had been strong sexual selection were fitter and more resilient to extinction in the face of inbreeding.

But populations with weak or non-existent sexual selection showed more rapid declines in health under inbreeding, and all went extinct by the tenth generation.

SEE ALSO: The disenchanting reality of being a phone-sex operator

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NOW WATCH: This sex expert has a surprising tip to heat up your relationship

A lot of folks are buzzing about a fascinating piece anthropologist Wednesday Martin wrote in the New York Times SundayReview section about "mom bonuses."

According to Martin, some of New York City's Upper East Side moms, or what she refers to as "Glam SAHMs" ("glamorous stay-at-home-moms"), get a performance-based year-end bonus that's determined by their investment banker/hedge-fund manager husbands.

We did a quick fly around the finance community for some reaction. No one is really buying it. 

• "Nothing says 'I love you' like a mom bonus... Typically an employer offers a bonus to incentive their employees. I guess to some marriage is no different. But honestly when I first read the article I had to double check to make sure it wasn't published by the Onion," a former hedge fund portfolio manager said. 
• "If capitalism is a crime I'm guilty!" one trader told us. "However, even though money is a motivator I am surprised these guys have to [incentivize] their wives to do this. I would hazard a guess that anyone paying their wife a mom bonus is also paying mom for sex as that seems a natural offshoot of this logic. "
• "I'm skeptical that they exist," one former banker said. "I worked in banking for a long time. Do bankers buy their wives stuff–and also give them money–when they get their bonuses? Absolutely. Do the girls joke about it when they're drinking wine with their friends and call it a 'wife bonus'? I'm sure they do. But is the 'wife bonus' a real tangible thing? I seriously doubt it." 
• Another person from the buy side didn't think the story was really a trend. "...maybe a handful, but not widespread," he said.
• The article was the perfect material for some jokes, too. "There is no such thing as a fixed-price contract," one hedge funder said.
• "Are wife bonuses subject to clawback provisions? cc: @SenWarren," anonymous Twitter trader @IvanTheK Tweeted. "Are wife bonuses taxed at capital gains rates?"
• "If ever a day goes by where I regret moving my family out of the Upper East Side seven years ago, I'll just return to this article and remember what kind of rat race I could be suffering through just to keep up with people I don't even like," one Wall Street exec said.

It's a world most of us will never know or understand. 

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NOW WATCH: 6 shortcuts in Excel that will save you a ton of time

From an evolutionary standpoint, we are attracted to people whom we perceive as beautiful, such as those with symmetric faces or large eyes, because it tends to signify good genetics. And good genes means healthy babies.

But just because you're not born with model looks doesn't mean you're doomed.

Science tells us there are ways to spice up your sexiness through techniques that aren't necessarily regulated by biology.

Here's a short list.

Hang out in groups

You look better with your friends than you do on your own, psychological scientists have found. The phenomenon known as the "cheerleader effect" happens because the human brain tends to average the faces of people in a group rather than seeing them as individual subjects. This benefits people with less attractive physical features.

Source: Psychological Science, 2013

Stick around for closing time

In a 1979 paper, University of Virginia researchers cite numerous studies showing that in a bar setting, individuals of the opposite sex are seen as more attractive as "the time to decide whether to interact with them decreases."

A more recent study from 2010 confirmed that bar patrons saw romantic potentials as "significantly more attractive" at closing time, but only if the observers were not in a relationship.

Source: Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 1979; Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 2010

Smile more

The same region of the brain that is activated when people receive a reward, called the medial orbitofrontal cortex, is engaged when a person sees a beautiful face. Using brain scans, a team of researchers showed that this response was "further enhanced by a smiling facial expression."

The health of a person's chompers is also important. A separate study conducted by British researchers found that white and evenly spaced teeth make people seem more attractive, probably because it's a sign of good health and, in women, fertility.

Source: Neuropsychologia, 2003; PLoS One, 2012

Wear red

Red is the colour of hearts, roses, and, it seems, love. The well-studied "red effect" suggests that both men and women are more drawn to those of the opposite sex who wear red. In several experiments, researchers from the University of Rochester looked at women's responses to photographs of the same man in shirts of varying colours. A similar experiment was conducted to quantify the effect of red-garbed women on men. In both scenarios, the participants were more eager to get it on when the person in the photograph was wearing red.

This could be partly learned, as red has long been associated with royalty, and we now equate it with power or being able to provide. For women, the response may be more biological. "Research has shown that nonhuman male primates are particularly attracted to females displaying red,"according to a statement from the university. "Female baboons and chimpanzees, for example, redden conspicuously when nearing ovulation, sending a clear sexual signal designed to attract males."

Source: Journal of Personal Social Psychology, 2008; Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 2012

Change the pitch of your voice

The way we speak plays a key part in the perceived attractiveness of men and women. In one study, researchers from the University College London found that in women, a higher-pitched voice is seen as more attractive because it indicates the speaker has a smaller body size. Guys, on the hand, should aim for a deep voice with a touch of breathiness, indicating they have a large frame but low levels of aggression.

Source: PLoS One, 2013

Work on your sense of humour

"Both men and women prefer someone with a ' good sense of humour' as a relationship partner," a study led by Eric Bressler of Westfield State College found, but each sex values humour differently. While women like men who make them laugh, men like women who laugh at their jokes (men don't care much about a woman's wit). In another study, French researcher Nicolas Guéguen instructed men in a bar to either tell or not tell a funny joke to their friends as a woman sat at nearby table. The men who told jokes were three times as likely to get that woman's number as those who did not.

"The effect of a great sense of humour on women's attractions might be partially explained by the fact that funny people are considered to be more social and more intelligent, things that women seek in a mate," evolutionary psychologist Gil Greengross explains in an article on Psychology Today.

Source: Evolution & Human Behaviour, 2006; Personal Relationships, 2005; Psychological Reports, 2010

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NOW WATCH: 6 Scientifically Proven Things Men Can Do To Be More Attractive

We've talked about how you can get someone to be attracted to you by using scientifically proven flirting techniques, but how can you get someone to fall in love with you? We talked to psychotherapist and author M. Gary Neuman who cites five scientifically proven ways to transcend simple attractiveness and inspire the feelings that could lead to a long-term connection.

Business Insider readers get a 20% discount on Neuman's products for a limited time by using the promo code "businessinsider." Click here to visit his website.

Produced by Graham Flanagan with camera by Devan Joseph.

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Romantic love might seem like a mystery, but it's not really, at least most of the time — researchers have done their best to figure out what exactly it is that draws people together.

Psychologists have identified ten factors that can generally explain why we fall in love with someone, according to Elizabeth Phillips, a Ph.D. student in applied experimental and human factors psychology at the University of Central Florida.

Phillips gave a talk at the Nerd Night Global Festival about some of the ideas put forth in David Levy's book "Love+Sex with Robots." Levy has written about exactly what makes us fall in love, and his list of the ten factors involved does a great deal to explain just how the falling-in-love process works.

Here's what it takes:

1. Similarity. As Phillips explained, we find it easy to imagine that someone who is similar to us will like us back. 

2. "Reciprocal liking." Most of the time, we want someone who likes us back. This is another easy one to explain — we enjoy the feeling of being wanted.

3. Desirable characteristics. This covers a lot of what we find attractive in the first place: appearance and personality. Phillips explains that people rate the importance of these factors differently: some people might love a great personality and others might value appearance more, but we all have aspects of personality or physical attractiveness that we find important.

4. Social acceptability. Someone has to fit into whatever category of people we think it's acceptable for us to fall in love with. Phillips calls this "social influences," and says that explains the cultural norms and limiting factors about who we can fall in love with — like whether or not someone is within an acceptable age range for us. These norms have changed significantly over time.

5. Need fulfillment. Some of us need someone we can be close and intimate with, others are after the boost in social status that might come with a certain partner. Whether you need a cuddle or a trophy, the people that we fall in love with generally meet some sort of need in our lives.

6. "Arousal" situation. No we're not talking about sex here (most of the time), but being in an exciting, stressful, or dangerous situation that gets your adrenaline going with another person is a bonding experience that's associated with falling in love.

7. X-factor. Someone has to have that special something that turns us on. For some of us, this might be shapely legs or eyes you get lost in, for others, a killer sense of humor. We've all got specific characteristics that we find attractive and we tend to fall in love with people who have those characteristics.

8. Relationship readiness. Someone has to be psychologically at a point where they would choose to enter a relationship. A great example is right after a person has exited another relationship — the rebound effect.

9. Alone time. This factor, exclusiveness, is essential for falling in love. Spending time alone with someone makes it easy to get close to them.

10. An air of mystery. While we do tend to become attracted to people we like that we spend a lot of time with, there's something intriguing about people that are in some ways mysterious to us. This could help explain a draw to a person who comes from another culture, or as Phillips explains, it might also be the weird reason some people become infatuated with criminals.

SEE ALSO: Here's one way to tell if your relationship will last

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NOW WATCH: Here's how Floyd Mayweather spends his millions

Poets, songwriters and authors have written of the intoxicating effect of falling in love.

But a new study suggests that the love hormone oxytocin has similar affects to being drunk, and not just the more pleasant aspects of inebriation.

Researchers found that not only can oxytocin make lovers feel relaxed, happy and more confident, it can also provoke aggression, jealousy and arrogance.

Oxytocin is a hormone produced in a part of the brain called the hypothalamus and plays a significant role in bonding, falling in love and making friendships.

Scientists at the University of Birmingham tested subjects to find out if the effects of drinking alcohol were similar to those of oxytocin, which was administered in a spray.

Dr Ian Mitchell, from the School of Psychology at Birmingham University, said: "We pooled existing research into the effects of both oxytocin and alcohol and were struck by the incredible similarities between the two compounds.

"They appear to target different receptors within the brain, but cause common actions.

"These neural circuits control how we perceive stress or anxiety, especially in social situations such as interviews, or perhaps even plucking up the courage to ask somebody on a date. Taking compounds such as oxytocin and alcohol can make these situations seem less daunting."

Oxytocin increases pro-social behaviours such as altruism, generosity and empathy while making us more willing to trust others. Those effects come about because the hormone appears to remove the brakes on social inhibitors such as fear, anxiety and stress in the same way that alcohol works.

The researchers say it may explain why first dates are often involve alcohol as prospective partners use 'Dutch courage' to mirror the feelings of love.

Dr Steven Gillespie said: "The idea of 'Dutch courage' - having a drink to overcome nerves - is used to battle those immediate obstacles of fear and anxiety.

"Oxytocin appears to mirror these effects in the lab."

However, the researchers warn against self-medicating with either the hormone or a swift drink to provide a little more confidence in difficult moments.

Alongside the health concerns that accompany frequent alcohol consumption, there are less desirable socio-cognitive effects that both alcohol and oxytocin can facilitate.

People can become more aggressive, more boastful, envious of those they consider to be their competitors, and favour their in-group at the expense of others.

The compounds can also affect our sense of fear which normally acts to protect us from getting into trouble and we often hear of people taking risks that they otherwise wouldn't.

A dose of either compound can further influence how we deal with others by enhancing our perception of trustworthiness, which would further increase the danger of taking unnecessary risks.

The findings were published in the journal Neuroscience and Biobehavioural Reviews.

Dr Gillespie added: "I don't think we'll see a time when oxytocin is used socially as an alternative to alcohol.

"But it is a fascinating neurochemical and, away from matters of the heart, has a possible use in treatment of psychological and psychiatric conditions.”

This article was written by Sarah Knapton Science Editor from The Daily Telegraph and was legally licensed through the NewsCred publisher network.

SEE ALSO: Science says these 5 things happen to couples who have been together a long time

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NOW WATCH: Here's how much sex happy couples have every month

Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus, the sexual dysfunction specialist and clinical director of The Medical Center For Female Sexuality, reveals how much sex is good for a marriage and how sex changes over the years. 

Produced by Sam Rega and Joe Avella. Camera by Jason Gaines.

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Decades ago, when a friend of mine and I were both young and ill-educated about the ways of the world, he said, "Betty, this is why guys and girls are so different. When guys have a problem, they want to hear solutions. When girls have a problem, all they want to do is have you listen to them on and on and they don't want to hear solutions."

He was both right and wrong.

Wrong in his overall gender assumptions, but right in one very critical way: Most people just want you to listen to them.

As the years went on, I learned just how important this skill is in life. It became immensely important in my job in television. Being a great interviewer is not just about asking the brilliant question but also being able to shut up and listen to the answer.

Early on, I was so nervous about live interviews that I would make the rookie mistake of being solely focused on my next question, so that the current answer sometimes went in one ear and out the other.

During one particularly pointed answer, I completely missed an opening to ask a follow-up that might have broken some news. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever made that mistake.

But more important than pulling off a great television interview is knowing this: Listening will help you in almost every aspect of your life. It will make you a better leader, a better conversationalist, a better spouse, a better sales executive, and it will instantly make you more likable and the most popular person at a party.

Jim Reynolds, the CEO of Loop Capital, a boutique bank based in Chicago, really drove this point home to me years ago. When Reynolds first started out in the sales training program at IBM, one of the biggest things he learned was to make sure you listen to your customer.

"Most people will tell you what they want," Reynolds says. "All you have to do is pay attention and listen to it. Then, you give them exactly what they asked for. The guys who made the big sales were never the ones who walked in with flashy suits and big mouths — it was always the ones who shut up and listened who made the big sales."

So how do you listen well? I find these three things go a long way in connecting with people:

1. Mirror people's words. 

It sounds counterintuitive, because repeating other people's words back to them makes it seem as if you're not paying attention to them.

But I can't tell you how many times I've seen people's eyes light up when you repeat their words back to them, as in: "This app is going to revolutionize the way people order local chickens from the farm," to which you would say, "This is going to revolutionize the way people order local chickens from the farm? How?" to which the person would reply, "Yes! So glad you asked ..." You've made an instant friend.

2. Ask questions. 

How many conversations have you been in where someone says something completely nonsensical and you just let it pass because it's actually more work to make them explain their point than to let him or her talk on.

Next time, make a point to stop the conversation and ask about the point of confusion. It will not only create a more dynamic connection, it will also signal to the person that you're actually listening. Chances are, when you're stuck with someone who's talking endlessly, even he or she knows you're not completely paying attention.

3. Stop looking around the room. 

One of the things I love about live television interviews is the intensity of it — two people are literally staring at each other for five minutes straight talking, sometimes tensely. The problem is, in real life, nobody talks to each other that way.

Most of us are half engaged in our conversations, thinking about what we want to eat, our dinner plans, or the work on our desk. At cocktail parties, many of us find ourselves looking over the shoulder of the person in front of us to see who's around. To which I say, stop.

Stop looking around the room physically or looking around the room in your brain. Five minutes spent fully engaging with one person as if he or she is the only thing in the room at the moment is worth 10 times more than 15 minutes half-heartedly tittering on about the dullest subjects.

Try these three techniques and soon you'll find yourself the life of the party, without having to don a toga.

SEE ALSO: 11 simple things you can do to become a master networker

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NOW WATCH: The smartest people in the world share these common traits

It's every average-looking man's dream. After being rejected by that handsome hunk, that beautiful woman you've been admiring from afar will realize her error in judgment and finally notice you.

A lovely scenario, but newly published research suggests it's highly unlikely.

In two studies, "rejection by an attractive man also led to derogation of, and distancing from, an unattractive man—even when that unattractive man offered acceptance," writes a research team led by University of Toronto psychologist Geoff MacDonald.

The likely reason, the researchers write in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, is that accepting the overtures of a "low-status" person "may imply one is of similarly low status," thus exacerbating the pain caused by the initial rejection.

And in the dating world, looks are closely associated with status. Arriving at a social event with an attractive date or mate is an effective way to impress your friends.

MacDonald and his colleagues describe an experiment featuring 126 female University of Toronto undergraduates, all of whom were heterosexual and not in a romantic relationship. They created "dating profiles," which they were told "would be viewed and evaluated by two men they could potentially meet at the end of the experiment."

They then read the men's purported profiles (which were actually created by the researchers, and carefully written to track closely in terms of romantic appeal and responsiveness). Each was paired with a photo—one of a good-looking guy, the other of an unattractive man.

Participants then received feedback from each of the men, indicating whether they wanted to meet. (In reality, they randomly received either a "yes" or "no" from each of the fictional males.) They then expressed whether they were interested in meeting each man, and rated both in terms of "physical attractiveness, perceived level of responsiveness, and romantic appeal."

Not surprisingly, the women who were rejected by one of the men "distanced themselves from and derogated him," as indicated by less interest in meeting him and lower ratings on all three scales. This presumably represented a defensive posture: If he doesn't want me, he can't be that great anyway.

More importantly, "participants who were rejected by the attractive man were also relatively uninterested in meeting the unattractive man, and derogated him even when he was accepting (them)," the researchers write. "Being rejected by the attractive man appeared to make participants less willing to affiliate with the unattractive man, and more inclined to evaluate him harshly."

But why? While conceding they don't have direct evidence backing up their thesis, the researchers argue that this rejection allowed the women "to psychologically distance themselves from the stigma of being associated with unattractive others."

As MacDonald told Sage Publications: "What people want is not immediate acceptance per se, but a sense of assurance that the person is acceptable to the sorts of people they want to be connected to."

Or perhaps rejecting the less-appealing suitor allowed the women to re-build the self-esteem lost when they were rejected themselves. In any case, the results show that being rebuffed by one guy does not automatically make one open to the next guy who comes along.

These results were largely replicated in a second, identical experiment featuring 166 female undergraduates. Once again, "Participants were much harsher toward an accepting, unattractive man when the attractive man had been rejecting rather than accepting."

Of course, these were college students. It's conceivable that, as we grow older, we realize status can be conveyed in ways other than physical appearance. Or maybe the prejudices of our social circle become less important, and we begin to realize the opportunity to love another person is more important than the opinions of our peers.

We can hope.

UP NEXT: Study gives science-based online dating tips

SEE ALSO: Both men and women are bad at knowing who they want to date

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NOW WATCH: The 6 basic elements of a thriving relationship

My all-time most popular post on PsychologyToday.com is about 50 signs of a healthy relationship.

Today, we look at the flipside — warning signs of a toxic relationship.

While many relationships may display one or two of these, toxic relationships will often feature multiple alarm bells.

Where I've written your partner, read it as, you or your partner.

Relationship Warning Signs

1. You never turn to each other for emotional support. You look to other people first.
2. Your partner actively tries to cut you off from your support network of friends and family.
3. Your partner implies that you are stupid, or that they are "the smart one" in the relationship; they try to dissuade you from trying something new because "you probably won't understand it."
4. Your partner doesn't respect your answer when you say "no" to something.
5. Your partner implies that they only value you for one thing, whether it be sex, your looks, or your ability to earn money.
6. You can't identify any ways you've positively influenced each other. For example, you haven't adopted any of each other's interests or taught each other any new skills.
7. You can identify ways you've negatively influenced each other, particularly harmful habits like heavy drinking, laziness, or smoking.
8. Your partner doesn't make you feel good about your body; they point out your thinning hair or saggy underarm skin.
9. You don't have a sense of relationship security — you've broken up or almost broken up numerous times.
10. You end up doing things you're ashamed of in the course of interacting with each other, such as screaming at each other in front of your kids.
11. Your partner is dismissive of your emotions, especially fear, such as when you say you're scared because they drive too fast or erratically but they won't slow down.
12. Your partner involves you in unethical activities, such as lying on official forms you both sign.
13. You feel worse about yourself as a person than when you started the relationship — you're less confident and can see fewer positive qualities about yourself.
14. You don't feel able to get your partner's attention when you want to talk about something important. 
15. Your partner mocks you, such as poking fun at your voice or facial expressions in a mean way.
16. Your partner doesn't seem interested when you experience success, or they belittle your success.
17. You don't feel able to confide in your partner. If you were to reveal something that you're sensitive about, you're not sure if they'd react respectfully or helpfully.
18. Your partner makes jokes about leaving you or teases you about what their "second" wife or husband will be like.
19. When you're not physically together, it feels like "out of sight, out of mind." For example, your partner is on an international trip and says they'll call when they arrived safely at the hotel but doesn't follow through.
20. When you and your partner disagree, they insist you do things their way or leave. It's their way or the highway, and you don't have a sense that when you disagree you'll find a way of coming together.
21. You're not sure how dependable, supportive, or reliable your partner would be in a situation in which you really needed them; for example, if you or a close family member got cancer.
22. You blame your partner for your life not being as satisfying as you'd like it to be — or they blame you.
23. Your partner is dismissive of your interests and projects. They judge the things you do by how important they perceive them to be, rather than how important they are to you.
24. Stonewalling. You or your partner flat-out refuse to talk about important relationship topics, such as the decision to have a baby. 
25. You don't think your partner would make a good parent.
26. There are times you avoid coming home because going to Starbucks, or a bar, is more relaxing after a stressful day than coming home to your partner.
27. Your life together seems out of control; for example, you both spend much more than you earn.
28. You can't think of ways in which you and your partner make a great team.
29. Your partner is the source of negative surprises, such as large unexpected charges on your joint credit card.
30. You catch your partner lying repeatedly.
31. Your partner goes out but doesn't tell you where, or fails to arrive home when expected and has no explanation.
32. You worry that your partner might get so angry they'd hurt you.
33. You have a sense of being trapped in the relationship.
34. When you argue, one or both of you always just gets defensive. You can never acknowledge that the other person has some valid points.
35. When you argue, you just blame each other rather than each accepting some blame.
36. You're very critical of each other, and you feel constantly nitpicked about the ways you're not "good enough."
37. Your partner complains about you to their friends or family.
38. You find yourself lying to other people because you're ashamed of your partner's behavior; for example, making excuses for why they haven't shown up to an event as planned.
39. You feel lonely when you're together.
40. If you had to rate your partner on a scale of 1 to 10 on qualities like warmth, trustworthiness, and dependability, you would rate them lower than 5.
41. You can't recall a time when your partner has compromised so that you could take up an opportunity.
42. There is an absence of affection in your relationship — you rarely kiss, touch, or smile at each other.
43. Your partner is coercive when it comes to sex.
44. Your partner sees themselves as having a much higher "mate value" than you. They think you're lucky to have them, but not the reverse.
45. Your partner keeps you at arms' length emotionally. You don't have a healthy sense of interdependence.
46. Your partner frequently compares you unfavorably to other people, especially friends' spouses or partners.
47. When you argue, it quickly escalates to ultima threats — "If you don't ..., I'll ..."
48. You can think of several friends or colleagues whom you'd rather be in a relationship with.
49. Cheating.
50. The other "C" word, "Crazy." If you call each other "crazy" during arguments, it's a pretty bad sign. It shows that you're no longer willing to listen to each other's point of view because you've written it off as irrational.
51. Relationship violence.

Note: This post was influenced by various scientific models of relationships, including work on Emotion Focused Therapy, Gottman Therapy, and Garth Fletcher's Ideal Standards Model.

Alice Boyes, Ph.D. is the author of "The Anxiety Toolkit: Strategies for Fine-Tuning Your Mind and Moving Past Your Stuck Points" (Perigee, Penguin Random House). She writes the “In Practice” blog for Psychology Today. Dr. Boyes’ expertise in social, clinical, positive, and relationships psychology topics has been featured in numerous outlets including Good Magazine, Women’s Health Australia, Lifehacker, Refinery29 and Mashable, among others. Originally from New Zealand, she currently resides in Las Vegas, Nevada. Follow her on Twitter @DrAliceBoyes.

Subscribe to Dr. Alice Boyes' articles here.

SEE ALSO: 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Healthy

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NOW WATCH: 'Dog Whisperer' Cesar Millan: How I lost everything and got it all back in three years

Some experts estimate that 85% of your financial success comes not from your skills or knowledge but from your ability to connect with other people and engender their trust and respect.

Within seconds, everyone you meet forms an impression that largely determines whether they'll like, trust, and respect you.

Whether you're job-hunting or fundraising or leading an organization, making a good impression is absolutely critical. (No pressure, right?)

So whether you are looking to raise money for your company, or you are managing your team or leading your business, connecting to people and making a great impression is very important.

Here are some tips to help you win hearts and minds in 30 seconds:

1. Neutralize the fight-or-flight response.

The first few seconds of a first encounter are driven by instinctive reactions. Each person makes unconscious immediate appraisals that center around how safe they feel. Be mindful of your immediate signals, and make sure they could never be perceived as threatening.

2. Respect boundaries.

Be mindful of personal space and respect the boundaries of others. If in doubt, follow the other person's cues: if they lean in, you lean in; if they stand back, you do the same. Remember that concepts of appropriate personal space vary by culture.

3. Feed expectations.

In business, first impressions are frequently colored by expectations. We expect people to live up to the image we have created in our minds from their reputation, phone calls, emails, or texts. We expect consistency with that general image — and without it, we feel some degree of disappointment and confusion. It's not the time to surprise others with a new side of your personality.

4. Be mindful of body language.

It accounts for more than half of what others respond to initially — so it literally does speak louder than words. Hold yourself in a way that signals attention and an open heart, and keep a facial expression that combines authority with approachability and eye contact.

5. Stay positive.

The language of the brain is pictures, sounds, feelings, and to a lesser extent, smells and tastes. It's much more difficult to translate negatives into brain-friendly imagery than positives. Work to develop a positive explanatory style.

6. Keep control of your attitude.

The general energy you give off is one of the first unconscious things people respond to. If you're frazzled, project calm. If you're distracted and unenthusiastic, project positivity. (You'll not only make a better impression, but you can influence your own mood.)

7. Manage your moods.

People are drawn to warmth, enthusiasm, and confidence more than anger, arrogance, and impatience. Whatever is going on around you, manage your responses to get the best response from others.

8. Synchronize.

Make sure your words, your tone of voice, and your body language are all saying the same thing.

Mixed messages put off others, but consistency gives you clarity and credibility.

9. Use sensory language.

Activate people's senses, and mix up your imagery to make sure you hit their strength. Whenever possible, use descriptions of visual images, sounds, textures, motion, and feelings to add meaning to what you're saying.

10. Be curious, open-minded, and interested.

If you can get the other person talking and keep them talking, odds are they'll be drawn to you. Be interested and open-minded; ask questions that spark their imagination and ignite conversation.

11. Dress for success.

Find a personal style that represents who you are and the message you want to send about yourself. Look at your dress and appearance as packaging a product.

12. Have a personal statement.

Have a personal statement prepared and memorized so you can tell others concisely and eloquently what you do, what it means to you, and why it makes a difference. Think of it not as a sales pitch but an engaging and artfully crafted mini-presentation.

Work through these points and you should have a great first impression all lined up.

13. One final tip as you get out there:

Treat every connection you make as if it's the most important thing you've ever done. Because, frankly, you never know when it actually will be.

SEE ALSO: A social psychologist explains how to recover from making a horrible first impression

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Relationships take time to grow. The Supremes understood this well when they sang, "You can't hurry love/No, you just have to wait." As with friendships, business relationships need time to flourish.

You have to attend more than one networking event to create the kind of rapport that will produce new business opportunities. A bond and trust must form before someone will feel comfortable enough to recommend you and your business to others.

Networking events provide an introduction to new professional connections.

They plant the seeds of a professional relationship, but it's up to you to show your commitment, trustworthiness and competence as you patiently cultivate the relationship. Eventually, your commitment and credibility will lead to a growth in your popularity.

If you want to build a strong network of professional contacts, you must master the fine art of follow up. After a networking event, use these tips to stay in touch with new connections.

1. Follow up immediately.

Don't wait a week or longer to make the first contact. Your new connection may vaguely remember you, but the impact of your meeting will have dramatically diminished. Instead, reach out the next day with a short email. Say something like, "It was a pleasure speaking with you at yesterday's event. I'd love to meet for coffee next week if you're available."

Related: How to Be Remarkable at Following Up

2. Take notes.

Immediately following a networking event or cocktail party, write notes about the people you spoke to and what you talked about. Include superficial details that may help jog your memory, such as what they were wearing or what they looked like. Use the business cards you collected to connect names to faces.

3. Connect on LinkedIn.

No other social media platform has the same professional reputation as LinkedIn. When you send your request to connect, remind the person who you are and how you met. If possible, mention something you talked about such as, "I enjoyed learning about your passion for golf and how I can improve my golf swing. I'll put your tips to good use this weekend."

Related: The Two Strategies for Networking on LinkedIn — And Why They Matter

4. Use your calendar.

After your initial follow up, set a reminder in your calendar to follow up again in a few weeks. Reconnect with clients, colleagues and customers on a monthly, quarterly or annual basis. Call, send an email, send links of interest, or mail a handwritten note. Holiday cards are also a personal way to create a lasting impression.

5. Keep it short.

Your communications don't need to be lengthy. Keep your messages short and to the point. You could write something like, "Just a note to say I was thinking of you today. I hope business is going well. Let's get together for Italian food next time you're in town."

Related: Maximize the Impact of Handwritten Notes With These 6 Tips

6. Host an event.

A casual happy hour or dinner party can be a great way to entertain and build rapport. Invite clients and colleagues you think will get along or be able to do business together. When you generously help others connect, you'll create new business opportunities for yourself as well.

7. Send congratulatory notes.

If you read an article about someone you know who has received an award or promotion, send a note to congratulate him. Include a clipping of the article and say something such as, "Congratulations on the award! I thought you might appreciate an extra copy of your honorable mention. Best wishes for continued success!"

Related: Surprising Networking Tricks You're Not Using

SEE ALSO: A Master Networker Shares His Top 20 Networking Tips

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