I recently received an email from an acquaintance asking if he could stay with me while visiting New York City.

Mind you, this was someone who I wasn't very close to, and he had the means to book a hotel. I simply did not feel comfortable having him stay. I had three options: 1. I could say yes because I felt bad saying no, and end up feeling miserable for saying yes; 2. I could say no and maybe feel bad about saying it; or 3. I could say no and not feel bad about saying it. I went with option three.

You might wonder, how do you say no and not feel bad about it? To answer that, you must first understand why people feel bad turning someone down. Saying no may feel aggressive, like you're rejecting the person. Most people do not want to be an aggressor. There's a negative connotation to it. Or they may feel like the bad guy or gal. They may feel they're letting the person down and feel guilty. Or they may even feel they won't be liked or will be perceived as uncaring and unhelpful. As a result, people usually go the path of least potential conflict and comply with others.

If people do say no, they usually do it in ineffective ways that come with an excuse. For example, they might say, "I'd like to help but I'm really busy." The problem with this approach is it gives the other person an opportunity to continue to ask. He or she feels there's an opening. "Since you're busy this week, how about next week?"

Here's how you can effectively say no:

1. Say it.

Don't beat around the bush or offer weak excuses or hem and haw. This only provides an opening for the other person. Don't delay or stall either. Provide a brief explanation if you feel you need to; however, don't feel compelled. The less said the better.

2. Be assertive and courteous.

You might say, "I'm sorry I can't right now but will let you know when and if I can." This approach is polite, and puts you in a position of power by changing the dynamic. You're taking charge, telling people you'll let them know when and if you can. Another example, "I appreciate your asking me for help, but I'm stretched too thin right now to devote the time to be of quality help to you."

3. Understand peoples' tactics.

Many people and organizations use manipulation techniques, whether knowingly or not. For example, think about when you get a solicitation for a donation to a charity and there are forced options: "Would you like to donate $10, $20, $30, or X amount?" Another tactic: "Most people donate $20 — how much would you like to donate?" This relies on social pressure.

4. Set boundaries.

People sometimes have a hard time saying no because they haven't taken the time to evaluate their relationships and understand their role within the relationship. When you truly understand the dynamic and your role, you won't feel as worried about the consequences of saying no. You'll realize that your relationship is solid and can withstand your saying no.

5. Put the question back on the person asking.

This is highly effective in a work situation. Let's say a supervisor is asking you to take on several tasks — more than you can handle. You might say, "I'm happy to do X, Y, and Z; however, I would need three weeks, rather than two, to do a good job. How would you like me to prioritize them?"

6. Be firm.

If someone can't accept your no, then you know the person is probably not a true friend or doesn't respect you. Stand firm, and don't feel compelled to give in just because that person is uncomfortable.

7. Be selfish.

Put your needs first. Not those of the person asking you for something. If you prioritize that person's needs over yours, you'll find your productivity will suffer and resentment will mount. Perhaps we can learn from Warren Buffett, who said, "The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything."

SEE ALSO: 11 tips to stop saying 'um' forever

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NOW WATCH: 8 things you should never say in a job interview

Adam Galinsky, a professor at Columbia University, has published more than 150 scientific articles, chapters, and teaching cases in the fields of management and social psychology. His new book "Friend & Foe" with coauthor Maurice Schweitzer is about the balance of conflict and cooperation in almost every interaction.

We asked him to explain why the phrase "we need to talk" is so terrifying. 

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Hierarchy — this person commands that person, that person submits to that person — is one of the most fundamental ways humans organize themselves. 

Except for marriage.

"Every other relationship we're in is hierarchical," says relationship psychologist and Couples Institute cofounder Peter Pearson. "Kids grow up, parents are the boss. Go to school, go to college, teach is the boss. Go to work, your boss is the boss." 

But in a healthy long-term relationship, nobody is the boss.

"That's what makes marriage so tough," Pearson tells Tech Insider. "We’re used to a hierarchy, and you’ve got no authority over the other person."

In a hierarchy, somebody has authority over the other. If you don't do your homework, you get an F. If you don't execute on that project, you'll get transferred to North Dakota. The threat of something bad happening gets things done. 

But in a marriage, Pearson says, all you can do is divorce. You've only got one bullet. 

He uses an example from his own life with his wife Ellyn, the other cofounder of the Couples Institute. If he were to leave clutter around the house, then she would (hypothetically) nag him to stop. 

"Over time, she’ll keep nagging or give up on nagging and disengage," he says. "That's about it. She has no authority. In a really non-hierarchical relationship, no one has authority over another one."

The alternative to the non-hierarchical marriage is any number of dysfunctional patterns of behavior. 

Pearson says that probably 60% of the couples that come into his practice have one of these two dynamics: 

• A conflict-avoidant dynamic is defined by fear."For both people, the emotional risk of speaking up outweighs the potential benefit of bringing things up to the surface and working through them," Pearson says. As a result, "you contort yourself to be acceptable to your partner so they won't reject you or leave you," he says. "Each person compromises their wishes, their desires, their identity — the things that make them themselves."

• A hostile-dependent dynamic is defined by conflict. In this case, each person is "in a competition to be right," Pearson says. There's "lots of finger-pointing and blaming," he says, all in an attempt to take control. The underlying assumption is that if you can define "the problem with the relationship," then you can get the other person to shape up, and you'll finally get some relief.

As uncertain and uncontrollable as it seems, Pearson says that the best way to operate is to acknowledge the non-hierarchical  nature of the relationship. And with that, recognize that you're two different people. 

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NOW WATCH: There is a secret fleet of US government trucks transporting nuclear weapons around the country

They say opposites attract, but is that true when it comes to your income bracket?

Reddit users gathered on a recent thread to talk about what they learned from dating someone whose socioeconomic background is totally different from theirs. Many said they enjoy introducing their partners to certain aspects of their lifestyle, whether that includes swanky dinners or "dirt cheap" fishing, but others admit it can be hard.

So what's it like to be a working-class kid dating a one-percenter or vice versa? Here are some of the most illuminating answers from the Reddit thread.

"We teach each other and love each other for our differences."

My mother was murdered when I was a year old. My father and step mother were given custody of me, they are hardcore bikers. I grew up learning learning how to sell drugs, fight, work on bikes, make moonshine, etc. my parents beat me, neglected me, pimped me out. My SO comes from upper middle class, went to private school, family celebrates birthdays, having a fridge half filled of food is "getting low" etc. We learn from each other. [...] We never worry about money because I can make a twenty feed us for weeks and she knows when to remind me to spend money on myself. Really, we just teach each other and love each other for our differences. /u/morepantsroom

"It's hard not to be a little bit jealous sometimes."

We turned 17 together a week ago. Two days apart. I was ecstatic that I had my first 5 driving lessons paid for me as my present from my parents.

Two days later and she wakes up to a £5000 car on the drive. Meanwhile in the same week I'm lending my mum £200 until payday so we have enough money for shopping and don't have to borrow off my grandparents for the 5th week running. [...]

They won't think twice about going out for a meal in the middle of the week just for the hell of it and paying a bill in excess of £100. We only go out on birthdays and have to be wary of how much we spend.

I don't judge her at all and her family are hard working and lovely. It's just hard not to be a little bit jealous sometimes. - /u/Bradboy

"The fact that her parents are loaded has been a huge positive."

As a whole, I'd say the fact that her parents are loaded has been a huge positive. She has no student loan debt, but helps me pay mine, and has since we were engaged. Her mom and dad love me, they have taken me on family vacations for years now. I proposed to her in Belize, visited Italy and England, California this year, Ireland next year, Germany the year after... It's pretty cool. [...]

In general, the easy access and availability of fallback funds has really been a boon for our relationship, it's allowed her to pursue a job that she loves and still have a family, and it's allowed me to focus on my hobby and side business, rather than pouring all my money into a down payment for a home. - /u/fadetoblack1004

"Because of his upbringing he chose to be willfully ignorant."

I grew up in an upper middle class family and I once dated a guy that came from a poor Florida family. One thing I noticed was that he tried to save EVERYTHING. He had underwear that was full of holes but would still not throw them out, even after I bought him a bunch more. Also, he knew very little about life outside of his home state, was never up on current world affairs, and was ignorant to soooo much basic knowledge. [...]

When I was dating the guy he was no longer "poor", he was doing well for himself. Because of his upbringing he chose to be willfully ignorant and never even try new things, that was my issue. No, I didn't break up with him because he was poor, I broke up with him because he tried to live with me for free despite having TWO jobs. - /u/VivaLaSea

"It's hard to accept that they truly struggled."

I'm from a poor family. [...] My SO comes from a middle class background. [...] It honestly doesn't affect our relationship too heavily. In part because she knows her family has worked hard to get to where they are, and if I mention it, she'll tell me that there was a time before her father was self employed where they struggled. However I find this hard to really believe as the very first christmas I spent with her family, my SO's grandmother gave me a card with £100, more money than I have ever received in one year from all of my own relatives put together. Makes it hard to accept they truly struggled as much as mine did. - /u/Nambot

Click here to see the rest of the Reddit thread.

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NOW WATCH: Women are more attracted to men with these physical traits

No matter how aligned you and your spouse may seem, there are sure to be road bumps in any marriage. Don't let planning for retirement be one of them.

There are many strategies when it comes to saving for retirement and everyone may have an individual style or approach. When it comes to timing, you and your spouse may have very different ideas about when is a good time to leave the workforce.

SEE ALSO: The 21 best places to retire in the world

1. Define 'retirement.'

No matter what stage you are at in your career, you probably notice that there is a shift in retirement trends. More women are in the workforce and have their own savings and outlook on how they want to live in retirement. There is also a strong inclination toward gradual retirement as well as longer working lives.

Many Americans are taking on part-time work or maintaining their own business or consulting service well past age 65. This means retirement is no longer necessarily one drastic transition, but often a multi-part process. This means there is a lot more for couples to negotiate.

2. Talk it out.

Communication is key in any decision. The question of when to retire involves many factors — money, job satisfaction, age difference and future plans. Will you both retire at the same time? Will either or both of you work freelance or part time? Will you move or stay put? Will you travel or live simply?

In addition to these factors, it's a good idea to consider your marital happiness and how you work better (with some alone time, with separate projects, etc.). It's important to be confident and clear when you communicate your vision and priorities with your partner. If you are not able to do it on your own, you can always seek professional help through financial advisers, marriage counselors or both.

Depending on what you want or your partner feels he or she needs, you may think about taking on new roles. If you were once the breadwinner but your spouse is willing to work more if you could contribute more to the family, you may be able to step back. Meanwhile if you are unhappy in your position, you may need your partner to take the reins while you look for a more fulfilling job.

3. Make the plans.

Once you have reached an understanding and hopefully a compromise through speaking openly and honestly with your spouse, you may think you are all set. But, having a detailed plan on how to get there can make all the difference.

How much will you have to save each month to reach your retirement age goal? Once you've figured that out, it's a good idea to make a new budget that accommodates that. Debt can also be a huge weight on your retirement savings. You can see your lifetime cost of debt here to see what you'll be looking at spending to borrow.

A better credit score can lower that total, so check your credit scores for free on Credit.com to see where you stand and what you can do to improve your credit.

You also want to think about locations — some places are better for retirement than others, tax, weather, and living cost wise. You may also need to consider health factors and access to the care you or your partner may need as time goes on. Will you need to move to reach your retirement goals? Are you able to? Or do you want to move once you retire and how will that impact how much you need to save?

So even if your spouse doesn't have the same ideas about retirement saving or timing as you do, it's important to communicate and make plans to get you both there.

Nearly a century ago, journalist Napoleon Hill set out on a mission to uncover and document the strategies used by the wealthiest and most successful businessmen in America.

He studied more than 500 self-made millionaires over 20 years, and his research culminated in the 1937 bestseller "Think and Grow Rich," which shares what he calls the "money-making secret" in 13 principles.

His 10th principle — "the mystery of sex transmutation"— suggests that love, romance, and sex are critical factors in the determination of one's success and wealth.

Hill writes:

Sex desire is the most powerful of human desires ...

When harnessed, and redirected along other lines, this motivating force maintains all of its attributes of keenness of imagination, courage, etc., which may be used as powerful creative forces in literature, art, or in any other profession or calling, including, of course, the accumulation of riches ...

Love, romance, and sex are all emotions capable of driving men to heights of super achievement ... When combined, these three emotions may lift one to an altitude of a genius.

Hill makes some bold claims: "The men of greatest achievement are men with highly developed sex natures," and "the men who have accumulated great fortunes ... were motivated by the influence of a woman."

While this principle may seem a little far-fetched, there is something to be said about having a supportive partner to achieve financial success — an idea that has surfaced and gained relevance today, 78 years later.

"The most important career choice you'll make is who you marry," Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, whose estimated net worth is $1.1 billion, said at the 2011 IGNITION conference in New York.

Many echo this sentiment, including Catherine Alford of The Simple Dollar, who wrote: "If I'd selected a different spouse, my life would look very different ... My spouse, whether I realized it or not at the time, has been the best money decision of my life."

It makes sense. As motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said: We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, which is especially true when it comes to our spouses.

These claims are backed by research. One study, by Brittany C. Solomon and Joshua J. Jackson of Washington University in St. Louis, shows that having a conscientious spouse can boost your salary significantly.

"With every standard-deviation increase in a spouse's conscientiousness, an employee is likely to earn about $4,000 more a year," reported the Harvard Business Review. "An employee with an extremely conscientious spouse (two standard deviations above the mean) is 50% more likely to get a promotion than an employee with an extremely unconscientious spouse (two standard deviations below the mean)."

Conscientious spouses tend to allow their partner to focus more on their career. Also, people with conscientious spouses generally feel more satisfied with their marriage, and this absence of stress and drama at home allows them to bring more emotional and physical energy to work, the researchers concluded.

While parts of Hill's philosophy are outdated — he analyzed only rich men and wrote for a predominantly male audience — he was on to something when he suggested relationships are a crucial step toward accumulating wealth.

SEE ALSO: 6 money lies that can destroy your relationship

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NOW WATCH: A psychologist reveals how to get rid of negative thoughts

Small talk exists for a reason.

When you first meet someone at a conference or a cocktail party, you might seem a little strange if you launch right into, "What's your favorite childhood memory?"

That said, you don't want to get stuck talking about the fact that it's raining hard forever. At some point, you'll want to hear a person's real story — why they chose to go into their current line of work or what they love about being a dad.

To help you have more meaningful conversations, we checked out some relevant Quorathreads and other advice and highlighted the best tips.

Read on to find out what you should (and shouldn't) say to spark substantive dialogue.

SEE ALSO: 10 ways to get better at small talk

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1. Have some "deep" conversation starters on hand.

Don't expect substantive topics to instantly spring to mind. Instead, says Tracy Chou, a software engineer at Pinterest, you should approach any interaction with a few deep conversation starters ready to go.

Chou suggests reading some books on behavioral economics and pop psychology and talking about them, "since those subjects are fundamentally about people — and everyone is a person, has to interact with other people, and has opinions about their own behavior and other people's behavior."

She also recommends watching a few TED Talks — "another great source of cool ideas about the world." We suggest starting with some TED Talks that will make you smarter about business.

2. Ask questions about topics the other person is interested in.

Multiple Quora users indicated that one of the best ways to start an interesting conversation is to find something the other person is excited about. Show that you want to learn more about the topic by asking a series of questions about it.

Says Tatiana Esteves: "Try picking a topic that they are really interested in and start with a normal 'shallow conversation.' Then ask quite probing question[s] even if the subject isn't that serious."

For example, Esteves says, "if they like celebrity news, ask them if they think that the 'celebrity culture' is making people less happy with their lives."

3. Find out what makes the other person special.

Whatever you say, writes Joshua Evans, "avoid the awful opening phrase, 'What do you do?'" You'll put your conversation partner in a box where all he can talk about is his job.

Instead, Evans says you should ask, "What makes you a badass? That will induce a chuckle over drinks."

You might even find out something crazy; perhaps they are a lawyer by day and a rock musician by night.

Choosing to get married is one of life's most important decisions. However there are some important things everyone should know about a prenuptial agreement before walking down the aisle. Matrimonial attorney Lisa Zeiderman explains why everyone needs a prenup.

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If you're fortunate enough to find someone you want to settle down with forever, the next question is: How do you achieve happily ever after?

According to mathematician Hannah Fry, it may come down to a simple formula.

Fry, who works at the UCL Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis in London, explains in her 2014 TED Talk and recently released book, "The Mathematics of Love," that the best predictor of long-lasting relationships is how positive and negative a couple can be to one another.

In her book, she discusses the groundbreaking work of psychologist John Gottman and his team. Over many years they observed hundreds of couples and noted their facial expressions, heart rates, blood pressure, skin conductivity, and the words they used in conversation with their partners.

They discovered low-risk couples have more positive interactions with each other, and high-risk couples tend to spiral into negativity.

As Fry puts it, "In relationships where both partners consider themselves as happy, bad behavior is dismissed as unusual." For example, a wife might assume her husband's grumpiness is due to stress at work or a bad night's sleep. 

"In negative relationships, however, the situation is reversed," writes Fry. "Bad behavior is considered the norm." A husband, for instance, might think his wife's grumpiness is "typical," due to her "selfishness" or other negative personality trait.

Gottman then teamed up with mathematician James Murray, and they began to understand how these spirals of negativity happen. They came up with the below equations, which predict how positive or negative a husband and wife will be at the next point in their conversation.

As Fry explains, the model is framed as husband and wife but also applies to same-sex spouses and unmarried couples in long-term relationships.

The wife's equation is the top line, the husband's the bottom, and it solves for how positive or negative the next thing they say will be.

In hers, w stands for her mood in general, rwWt represents her mood when she's with her husband, and IHW shows how the husband's actions influence her. The husband's follows the same pattern.

Gottman and Murray found that the influence a couple has on each other is the most important factor. If a husband says something positive, like agrees with his wife or makes a joke, the wife will likely react positively in turn. Meanwhile, if he does something negative, like interrupts her or dismisses something she's said, she will likely be negatively impacted.

The "negativity threshold" pinpoints when the wife becomes so frustrated by her husband that she responds very negatively.

Interestingly, Fry says she would have imagined that the best relationships would have a high negativity threshold, meaning they'd be focused on compromise and would bring up an issue only if it was "a really big deal." But in fact, the opposite is true.

"The most successful relationships are the ones with a really low negativity threshold," writes Fry. "In those relationships, couples allow each other to complain, and work together to constantly repair the tiny issues between them. In such a case, couples don't bottle up their feelings, and little things don't end up being blown completely out of proportion."

Happy couples, then, tend to have more positive interactions than negative ones, and thus are more likely to give each other the benefit of a doubt. When there is an issue, they're more likely to bring it up quickly, fix it, and move on.

"Mathematics leaves us with a positive message for our relationships," Fry says, "reinforcing the age-old wisdom that you really shouldn't let the sun go down on your anger."

Watch Fry's TED Talk on the mathematics of love below.

SEE ALSO: How to use math to find the best job candidate — or spouse

DON'T MISS: This mathematical principle reveals the best way to get anything you want in life

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NOW WATCH: 5 ways to change your body language to make people like you

Everyone's had a socially awkward experience or two.

You go to hug someone, but they're trying to shake your hand, so you end up backslapping them from a foot away.

Your date asks whether you prefer vanilla or chocolate ice cream, and for some reason you end up telling him about the time you vomited after eating vanilla. (Obviously, nothing like this has ever happened to me.)

Chances are good that you're not nearly as socially inept as you believe you are. But simply thinking of yourself as awkward can undermine your confidence in social situations.

To help give you a confidence boost, we checked out the Quora thread "What are the best ways to improve social skills?" and pinpointed some practical tips.

We can't promise you'll never have another awkward encounter, but hopefully this advice will help you to enjoy, instead of dread, social interactions.

Note that if social anxiety is interfering with your ability to function on a daily basis, you might consider seeing a therapist, who can give you more tools to overcome your nerves.

SEE ALSO: 7 simple social skills that will make you more likable

1. Be present

We're so accustomed to mental and physical multitasking that we might not even realize how off-putting it can be to conversation partners.

"When you're with someone, but you're distracted by other thoughts or emotions, people notice,"writes Eva Glasrud. "Maybe your eyes glaze over, or your reactions are a little off or delayed. ... Or maybe you're being super obvious about it and using a mobile device while 'listening' to them.

"This makes people feel ... bad. Like they're not important. Or like you're not being authentic."

The ability to focus on the here and now is a skill called mindfulness, which you can cultivate gradually through practices like focusing on your breath and the individual sensations you're feeling in a given moment.

2. Focus on the other person

"The best thing I ever learned to improve my social skills was to think of the other person/people instead of myself,"says Jennifer McGinnis. "Instead of worrying how I was 'performing' or coming across, I would think about the other person and how they seemed to be feeling or getting along."

Chances are good that your conversation partner is feeling just as uncomfortable as you are — and recognizing that could help you relax.

3. Act 'as if'

In other words, fake it till you make it.

Writes Deborah Crawford:

Act "as if" you have great social skills. What does that look like? ... Pretend you are the host of whatever gathering you are in and make someone feel welcome. Smile, make brief eye contact, and say hi.

Crawford is on to something. A growing body of research suggests that you can change your emotions simply by changing your behavior. For example, smiling can make you feel happier, and adopting a "power pose" can make you feel more confident.

Dating expert Andrea Syrtash, author of "He's Just Not Your Type (And That's a Good Thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It," explains one word that can be disposed of for a better dating life. Hint: It'll help put your relatives in their place.

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If you've ever had a friend or significant other get angry at you for completely missing something they said, it might not be your fault.

Concentrating on a visual task — like staring at a phone screen — can make us temporarily deaf to any normal volume noise around us, according to a new study published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

Our brains can only process so much information at once, so when we're absorbed in a visual task like using a computer, searching for directions, or reading, we sometimes fail to register sounds around us. That's why we might not hear someone who's trying to get our attention or tell us something.

We're not just ignoring the sound or filtering it out — we aren't hearing it at all. Some psychologists call this "inattentional deafness."

"Inattentional deafness is a common experience in everyday life, and now we know why," UCL Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience professor Nilli Lavie, who worked on the new research, said in a press release. 

"For example, if you try to talk to someone who is focusing on a book, game or television program and don't receive a response, they aren't necessarily ignoring you, they might simply not hear you! This could also explain why you might not hear your train or bus stop being announced if you're concentrating on your phone, book, or newspaper," she added.

Lavie and a team of researchers got 13 volunteers to wear headphones that played random sounds at random times while they tried to complete a visual task: pressing a computer key when a certain letter appeared. Each volunteer was hooked up to a brain scanner during the experiment.

When the letter game was easy, the volunteers were still able to detect all the sounds. As the letter game got harder, the brain scans suggested that the volunteers were concentrating more on the visual task and that there was very little brain response to the sounds coming through the headphones. It's not that they were just ignoring the sound or filtering it out, an analysis of the scans seemed to indicate — they weren't hearing it at all.

The study was small, and doesn't precisely replicate real-life circumstances. But the evidence here builds on earlier researchby Lavieand others. Inattentional blindness, where we look at things but do not actually see them if we're not paying attention, is a perceptual shortcoming that's long been established by psychologists. ("We can fail to perceive very major things going on right in front of our eyes," Brian Scholl, a Yale psychologist, explained to the journalist Siri Carpenter in 2001.)

Inattentional deafness sounds like a pretty harmless phenomenon, beyond possibly frustrating friends and significant others who are trying to talk to you.

However, Lavie pointed out in the release that there are situations in which inattentional deafness can actually be a big problem: A surgeon concentrating on an operation might not hear medical alarms going off, for example, and a pedestrian staring at a phone might not hear a bicycle bell. Previous research has found that many pilots don't notice audio alarms when they are dealing with difficult situation in the air.

Unfortunately there's not much we can do to correct this — humans are just bad at multitasking.

"Our study shows that is a limitation of our brain," Lavie told Tech Insider in an email.

The best strategy to avoid frustration, Lavie said, is to make sure you have someone's attention before speaking to them.

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NOW WATCH: How 5 things that happened to you in childhood shape you as an adult

Whether it's landing your dream job or getting the girl, a basic mathematical principle can help you in almost any situation.

That's according to Hannah Fry, a mathematician at the UCL Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis in London and author of the new book "The Mathematics of Love."

She describes the "stable marriage problem," or the challenge of matching two entities so that neither would be better off in another match, and explains the Gale-Shapley matching algorithm often used to solve it. Exploiting this algorithm can be a great strategy for getting what you want.

Here's how it works: Fry uses the example of three boys talking to three girls at a party. Each participant has an ordered list of who is most suitable to go home with.

If this was a 1950s-style dating scenario in which the boys approached the girls, each boy would hit on his top-choice girl, Fry says. If a girl has multiple offers, she would choose the boy she preferred most, and if a boy were rejected, he would approach his second-choice girl.

The result is pretty great for the boys. Each gets his first- or second-choice partner, and there is no way the boys could improve, because their top choices have said yes or already rejected them.

The girls fare relatively worse, however, having paired up with their second- or third-choice partners.

Fry writes:

Regardless of how many boys and girls there are, it turns out that whenever the boys do the approaching, there are four outcomes that will be true:

1. Everyone will find a partner.

2. Once all partners are determined, no man and woman in different couples could both improve their happiness by running off together.

3. Once all partners are determined, every man will have the best partner available to him.

4. Once all partners are determined, every woman will end up with the least bad of all the men who approach her.

Essentially, whoever does the asking (and is willing to face rejection until achieving the best available option) is better off. Meanwhile, the person who sits back and waits for advances settles for the least bad option on the table.

The Gale-Shapley matching algorithm applies to plenty of situations beyond weekend hookups — including, say, hiring.

For example, a hiring manager who posts a job listing and lets the résumés roll in ultimately hires the best of the candidates who applied. But of course, that's a limited pool. On the other hand, a hiring manager who reaches out to the best professionals in the field and ends up with his or her third choice is still more likely to have a better candidate.

By the same token, a job seeker who approaches all the companies he or she wants to work for, starting with the most desirable, ends up with the best available employer.

The US National Resident Matching Program uses this strategy to match doctors with hospitals so that everyone is happy. Prior to the '50s, Fry says, hospitals reached out to the students they wanted, and the students accepted the least bad offers. But the organizers realized that doctors often had to relocate and weren't always happy with their options. To create a better system, they decided to flip the scenario and let doctors approach the hospitals they liked best.

Fry says the algorithm has been similarly applied to the assignments of dental residents, Canadian lawyers, and high-school students.

"Regardless of the type of relationship you're after," Fry concludes, "it pays to take the initiative."

Watch Fry's TED Talk on the mathematics of love:

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NOW WATCH: We did the math: Is an MBA worth it?

Relationship problems. Everybody has them. And sometimes you have them over and over and over.

Most of the people giving advice don't know the research. So where are the real answers?

I decided to call an expert: Dr. John Gottman.

You might remember him as the researcher in Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink" who, after just a few minutes, could predict whether a couple would end up divorced.

John is a professor emeritus at the University of Washington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute. He's published over 190 papers and authored more than 40 books, including:

• "Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love"
• "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
• "The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships"

He's also a really cool guy. John's gained powerful insights from studying couples that thrive (who he calls "Masters") and couples that don't (who he calls "Disasters.")

So what are you going to learn here?

1. The four things that doom relationships.
2. The three things that prevent those four things.
3. The most important part of any relationship conversation.
4. The single best predictor of whether a relationship is working. (It's so easy you can do it yourself in 2 minutes.)

Want to be a Master and not a Disaster? Let's get to it.

The four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse

John has studied thousands of couples over his 40-year career. Four things came up again and again that indicated a relationship was headed for trouble. The Disasters did them a lot and the Masters avoided them:

1. Criticism

This is when someone points to their partner and says their personality or character is the problem. Here's John:

Criticism is staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner. The Masters did the opposite: they point a finger at themselves and they really have a very gentle way of starting up the discussion, minimizing the problem and talking about what they feel and what they need.

Ladies, are you listening? Because criticism is something women do a lot more than men. (Don't worry, we'll get to how the guys screw up soon enough.)

2. Defensiveness

This is responding to relationship issues by counterattacking or whining. Here's John:

The second horseman was defensiveness which is a natural reaction to being criticized. It takes two forms: counterattacking or acting like an innocent victim and whining. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical. They accepted the criticism, or even took responsibility for part of the problem. They said, "Talk to me, I want to hear how you feel about this."

3. Contempt

It's the No. 1 predictor of breakups. Contempt is acting like you're a better person than they are. Here's John:

Contempt is talking down to their partner. Being insulting or acting superior. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health.

4. Stonewalling

It's shutting down or tuning out. It passively tells your partner, "I don't care." And 85% of the time it's guys who do this.

(Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? Click here.)

Okay, that's what kills a relationship. Naturally, you want to know what stops those things from occurring, right?

3 things that make horsemen go bye-bye

From looking at the Masters, John saw what prevented the downward spiral of the 4 Horsemen:

1. Know thy partner.

John calls this building "love maps." It's really knowing your partner inside and out. It was one of the Masters' most powerful secrets. Here's John:

A love map is like a road map you make of your partner's internal psychological world. The Masters were always asking questions about their partner and disclosing personal details about themselves.

Why is this so rare? It takes time. And the disasters didn't spend that time. In fact, most couples don't spend that much time.

John cited a study showing couples with kids talk to each other about 35 minutes per week. Yeah, 35 minutes.

And even most of that was just logistics — "When will you be there?""Don't forget to pick up milk."— not deep personal stuff like the Masters.

2. Responding positively to "bids."

No, this has nothing to do with eBay. We all frequently make little bids for our partner's attention.

You say something and you want them to respond. To engage. It can be as simple as saying, "Nice day, isn't it?"

It's almost like a video game: when the person responds positively ("turning towards a bid") your relationship gets a point.

When they don't respond, or respond negatively, the relationship loses a point… or five. Here's John:

The couples who divorced six years later had turned toward bids only 33% of the time. The couples stayed married had turned toward bids 86% of the time. Huge difference.

Couples with high scores build relationship equity. They're able to repair problems. They're able to laugh and smile even when arguing. And that makes a big difference. Here's John:

If you turn toward bids at a high rate, you get a sense of humor during conflict. Humor is very powerful because it reduces physiological arousal during arguments and that's been replicated in several studies.

3. Show admiration.

Ever listen to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a superhero. A saint.

And research shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.

(For more on the science of sexy, click here.)

Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner. And that leads us to how to predict whether your relationship is working…

The best predictor of how good a relationship is

You can do this yourself: have someone ask you about the history of your relationship. What kind of story do you tell?

When your partner describes your relationship to others, what kind of story do they tell?

Does the story minimize the negatives and celebrate the positives? Did it make the other person sound great?

Or did it dwell on what's wrong? Did it talk about what that idiot did this week that's utterly wrong?

This simple "story of us" predicts which relationships succeed and which fail. Here's John:

Our best prediction of the future of a relationship came from a couple's "story of us." It's an ever-changing final appraisal of the relationship and your partner's character. Some people were really developing a "story of us" that was very negative in which they really described all the problems in the relationship. They really emphasize what was missing. Masters did just the opposite: they minimized the negative qualities that all of us have and they cherish their partner's positive qualities. They nurture gratitude instead of resentment.

(For more on what research says makes love last, click here.)

Is there a part of a relationship conversation that's critical? Actually, there is.

The most important part of a relationship conversation

It's the beginning. 96% of the time John can predict the outcome of a conversation within the first three minutes. Here's John:

Negativity feeds on itself and makes the conversation stay negative. We also did seven years of research on how Masters repair that negativity. One of the most powerful things is to say "Hey, this isn't all your fault, I know that part of this is me. Let's talk about what's me and what's you." Accepting responsibility is huge for repair.

How you start those serious relationship discussions doesn't just predict how the conversation goes — it also predicts divorce after six years of marriage.

Via "Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love":

…it went on to predict with high accuracy their fate over a 6-year period of time. The predictions we made about couples' futures held across seven separate studies, they held for heterosexual as well as same-sex couples, and they held throughout the life course.

So you're talking and you're starting off positive and calm. Great. Now you should stop talking. Why?

When I asked John what the best thing to do to improve a relationship he said, "Learn how to be a good listener."

The Masters know how to listen. When their partners have a problem, they drop everything and listen non-defensively with empathy. Here's John:

In really bad relationships people are communicating, "Baby when you're in pain, when you're unhappy, when you hurt, I'm not going to be there for you. You deal with it on your own, find somebody else to talk to because I don't like your negativity. I'm busy, I'm really involved with the kids, I'm really involved with my job." Whereas the Masters have the model of, "When you're unhappy, even if it's with me, the world stops and I listen."

And sometimes the best thing to do at the beginning of a relationship argument is to end it immediately. Why?

69% of a couple's problems are perpetual. They won't be resolved.

Beating a dead horse, asking someone to fundamentally change who they are isn't going to work — but it will make them angry. Here's John:

In the studies that Bob Levenson and I did, we brought couples back into the lab every couple of years to find out what they are arguing about. And people resolved only about 31% of their disagreements. You can edit these videotapes together and it looked like the same conversation over and over for 22 years. Masters learn to accept what will not change and focus on the positive. They seem to say, "There's a lot of good stuff here and I can ignore the annoying things."

(For more on how to listen like an expert, click here.)

Okay, that's a lot of great stuff. Let's round it up and finish with the thing John said that impressed me the most.

Sum up

So here's what John had to say:

1. The four things that kill relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.
2. The three things that prevent them: Know your partner, respond positively to "bids", and admire your partner.
3. The best predictor of relationship success is how you and your partner tell your "story of us."
4. The beginning of the conversation is crucial. Negativity compounds. Keep a cool head and resist emotional inertia.

One last thing that really blew me away: what makes for happy relationships sounds a lot like what makes for happiness in general.

Research shows, happy people seek out the positive and are grateful for it. Unhappy people find the negative in everything.

There's a very similar dynamic in relationships: Masters scan their relationship for good things, disasters are always noting the bad.

And not only that — the Masters' way of looking at the world is actually more accurate. Here's John:

People who have this negative habit of mind miss 50% of the positivity that outside objective observers see. So the positive habit of mind is actually more accurate. If you have a negative habit of mind, you actually distort toward the negative and you don't see the positive. People with the positive habit of mind, it's not that they don't see the negative — they do, they see it — but they really emphasize the positive in terms of the impact on them. That's the difference.

Choose to see the positive. It can cause a cascade:

• It's fuel for your good "story of us."
• You'll probably start relationship conversations on a good note.
• You'll admire your partner.
• And on and on…

Some of the same things that make you happy can improve your relationships — and vice versa. What's better than that? 

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NOW WATCH: Here's what everyone gets wrong about being creative at work

We form impressions of each other's personality within seconds of meeting — and knowing that fact can make approaching a new person incredibly nerve-wracking.

Quick: Smile! But not too broadly. Introduce yourself — but not so fast! Time's up.

Fortunately, there's a simple psychological strategy for combatting the anxiety associated with meeting new people. The trick? Don't think of them as new.

Instead, you'll want to do what speaker and author Nicholas Boothman calls "assume rapport." In other words, talk to the "new" person as if he or she were your cousin or your uncle — someone you feel happy talking to and you can be yourself with.

Boothman, the author of "How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less," has spent years coaching business people to be more effective, more relaxed communicators. Assuming rapport, he told Business Insider, is a skill that anyone can learn and deploy within the first two seconds of making someone's acquaintance.

"It's just a really great way to make someone feel comfortable with you," he said. "Just talk to them like you've already known them."

That doesn't necessarily mean dishing about the details of your romantic life, which would likely be off-putting.

The goal of assuming rapport, Boothman said, is to "find common ground," or to uncover what's similar between you two. It can be something as simple as the fact that you drive the same car or you're wearing the same brand of shirt.

In fact, research suggests that finding common ground is a solid strategy for getting people to like you. According to the "similarity-attraction hypothesis," we tend to gravitate toward people who are just like us in some capacity, and especially when we share similar attitudes and values.

Boothman gave an example of how he could have assumed rapport and found common ground with me during our phone conversation.

He'd initially asked if we could postpone our phone call by 15 minutes because he was running late. Once we got on the phone, he could have asked me: "Are you ever late? What does it feel like?" Assuming I answered in the affirmative, we would immediately have had something tangible to talk about, that would likely lead into deeper topics of discussion.

(Boothman said he declined to use this strategy because he figured he'd already held me up, though I was curious to know whether it would have worked.)

Boothman mentioned Oprah Winfrey as an example of someone who's really skilled at creating "me-too moments," or opportunities to say, "You're kidding, I feel exactly the same way!"

Yes, Winfrey is a professional talk-show host, and yes, assuming rapport is probably harder than it sounds. But the point is that the connections between you and others are likely there already. It's just a matter of being willing to uncover and capitalize on them.

"The moment you find common ground," Boothman said, "you have a relationship."

SEE ALSO: How to make people like you in 4 seconds or less

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NOW WATCH: 5 ways to change your body language to make people like you

Let's pretend you're in a relationship, and your girlfriend is telling you about how terrible her day was.

Her boss didn't say "Thank you" once, the intern screwed up her lunch order, and she didn't realize until 4 p.m. that her shoes didn't match.

Right now, she's venting, which means you should be listening.

According to Adam McHugh, however, there's a pretty good chance you're doing it all wrong.

McHugh is the author of "The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction," in which he outlines a dozen traps people can fall into if they don't approach listening in the right way. One of those is what McHugh calls "The Password."

Here's how he describes it: "The listener sits quietly through the speaker's conversation, but then seizes on one word that she uses, amid a sea of paragraphs, and treats it as a password that unlocks a whole new conversation."

This new conversation bears no similarity to the prior one, and it typically begins with two words cleverly masked in relatability: "Speaking of ..."

"Speaking of tuna casserole, I remember my mom served the worst tuna casserole at my high school graduation party," a password-seeking person might say after a loved one begins lamenting a failed new recipe.

"Speaking of getting embarrassed, my face turns so red when I get embarrassed," the bad listener offers.

These responses may seem like a way to identify with the speaker's problems —Hey, you're not alone! — but McHugh argues they are deceptively selfish.

The password trap isn't unforgivable — most bad listeners would probably say their intentions are good, McHugh says."They would say that they sat quietly and let the other person talk before chiming in and therefore they listened successfully," he explains. "The problem is that silence and listening are not the same thing."

If you're listening to someone get upset about a tuna casserole or an embarrassing moment and your brain is searching for a way to steer the conversation away from the problem, you aren't listening.

Or, if you are listening in such a way "that the speaker must make an abrupt shift to listen," McHugh says — instead of getting to discuss his or her problems freely — "you are not doing it right."

Good listeners are patient and unselfish, and they can recognize when it's their turn to speak. When they do so, they provide reassuring commentary or ask gentle, probing questions. 

That is the express lane to conflict resolution.

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: A dating expert reveals the one word to eliminate from your dating life

When people think about changing their habits, they often think of the diet-and-exercise family of habits.

Also, as much as I personally love habits, I know that many people associate habit-change with having to make a lot of effort.

But habits don’t have to take a lot of time or energy to form, and they can help us with any aspect of our lives. I have to admit, even now, after spending years thinking about habits, I’m astonished by how much a truly tiny habit can boost happiness.

For instance, here are some examples of a few quick, easy habits that I’ve adopted to strengthen my relationships. They’re all practically effortless, and they all make me happier.

These kinds of habits are particularly helpful to me, because the truth is, I can get lost in my own head, and become so focused on crossing something off my to-do list that I neglect to make time to connect with the people who are most important to me. In the tumult of everyday life, I find it all too easy to overlook what really matters.

So I’ve made these habits:

1. I kiss my husband first thing in the morning, and I kiss him last thing at night.

It might sound silly to schedule kisses — but for me, if it’s on the calendar, it gets done, and if not, not. That’s the power of the Strategy of Scheduling!

2. Our family gives each other a real "hello" and "good-bye" every time one of us comes or goes.

When our two daughters were little, they’d greet me and my husband with wild enthusiasm whenever we walked in the door, and often cried miserably when we left. Then we went through a period when barely looked up from their own games or homework or books when we walked in or out — and I was a major offender in this area, myself. So we made a family resolution to "Give warm greetings and farewells." 

For instance, instead of letting my older daughter yell, "I’m leaving" before she disappears out the door to go to school, I call, "Wait, wait," and hurry to give her a real hug and a real good-bye.  As a consequence, each day, several times, we have moments of real connection among all members of our family. (Want to read more about this? Check out my book "Happier at Home.")

3. With my parents and sister, I do "updates."

This was my mother’s idea. We’ve all noticed that when you see people all the time, you have a lot to say to them; when you talk to them more rarely, it’s easy to fall into a "What’s new?""Not much, what’s new with you?" type conversation.

So the four of us do "updates." Every few days, we send an email with the subject line of "update," we give the most basic details of what we’re doing, and we rarely reply to each other. Our motto is "It’s OK to be boring." Elizabeth and I discuss it here. We’ve heard from so many people who have started this habit!

4. Before my daughters go to bed each night, I spend some time with each girl, holding her in my arms and talking about her day.

It’s interesting: growing up, my family wasn’t at all demonstrative, and I never thought about it, or doubted that my parents loved me. But my family now is super lovey-dovey. Which I very much enjoy. I like having a habit that means that I get some time, each day, to be close both physically and mentally with each of my daughters — a time that’s just for the two of us.

5. I send an email whenever there’s any possible reason to congratulate or compliment a friend.

I used to be very lax about this, but now I make it a very deliberate habit to reach out whenever I have an excuse. For instance, I walked by a friend’s townhouse the other day, and it had a gorgeous arrangement of pumpkins — so I sent an email. A friend’s book got an award, so I sent an email. These little gestures make a difference, over time.

The thing is, we have can have the very best of intentions — but never get around to giving that good-morning kiss or sending that friendly email. And that’s where habits can help.

Habits are freeing and energizing because they get us out of the draining, difficult business of making decisions and using our self-control. When something’s important to us, and we want it to happen frequently, making it into a habit means that it does happen, and without a lot of fuss.

What habits have you adopted, that have strengthened your habits?

To get more ideas about some helpful habits to follow, and even more, to get ideas about how to change your habits, check out my (bestselling) book, "Better Than Before." Everything is revealed! It turns out that it’s not that hard to change your habits — once you know what to do.

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There's been a lot of talk lately about how dating apps like Tinder are ruining romance.

A recent Vanity Fair story claims these apps are responsible for a growing hookup culture, where anonymous sex has replaced traditional romance, because they give straight young men the impression that there's a surplus of available women.

But Tinder and its ilk (apps like OkCupid and Hinge) aren't entirely to blame, argues freelance journalist and former Fortune reporter Jon Birger in The Washington Post.

The Vanity Fair article quotes a psychologist who says that apps like Tinder contribute to "a perceived surplus of women" among straight men, which promotes more hookups and fewer traditional relationships.

However, "This surplus of women is not just 'perceived' but very, very real," Birger writes.

In his book "DATE-ONOMICS: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game," Birger argues that the college and post-college hookup scene is a result of the gender gap in college enrollment.

About 34% more women than men graduated from American colleges in 2012, and the US Department of Education predicts this number will reach 47% by 2023. Among college-educated adults in the US aged 22 to 29, there are about 5.5 million women and 4.1 million men, according to the Census Bureau's American Community Survey.

"In other words, the dating pool for straight, millennial, college graduates has four women for every three men," Birger says.

Some research suggests that the gender ratio has a big influence on dating and marriage — women on campuses with more women and fewer men say they go on fewer dates but have more sex, for example. A 2010 study of 986 unmarried, straight college women surveyed in 2001 found that women on campuses with more female than male students said they went on fewer conventional dates, were less likely to say they have had a college boyfriend, and were more likely to say they were sexually active than women from male-dominated campuses were.

The findings build on work by social psychologist Marcia Guttentag, whose book, "Too Many Women? The Sex Ratio Question," describes how the balance of men and women has had a profound effect on society, from sexual norms to economic power.

When there's an excess of marriage-eligible men, research suggests, the dating culture — in which men are traditionally the active ones seeking partners, rather than the other way around — involves more romance, because men must compete for the attention of fewer women. But when the ratio is skewed toward women, as with the college grads in this study, romantic interaction becomes more about sex, because men are in high demand and don't feel pressured to settle down.

Birger says this can lead to women being more sexually objectified, while men "play the field."

A possible solution?

Another factor that makes dating difficult is that college-educated women today are less likely than ever before to marry men with less education than them, research suggests. (In the past, difference in education level was a less important factor in marriage.)

As Berger puts it, "New York City women looking for a match would be better off, statistically at least, at a fireman's bar in Staten Island than a wine bar on the Upper East Side." In other words, if women with a college education were more open to dating men without one, it would improve their odds of finding a date.

Of course, the same statistics that Berger cites regarding the uneven ratio of educated men to women in the dating world suggest that this is likely not going to happen anytime soon.

There's another reason working against the dating odds of straight, urban women: In LGBT-friendly cities like New York, Washington, and Miami, a considerable fraction of the men are gay. Birger estimates that in Manhattan's straight, college-grad, under-30 dating pool, there are roughly three women for every two men.

Birger says the picture gets worse with age, because as people get older and get married, the ratio of available women to men gets even more skewed. For example, if you start out with a pool of 140 women and 100 men (all of whom are straight and monogamous), and half the women get married, the ratio of single women to single men rises from 1.4:1 to more than 2:1.

To solve that problem, Birger suggests that women seeking love in Manhattan leave New York, "which is one of the worst dating markets in the country for educated young women." If you are one of these women, his advice is, "Go West, Young Woman."

The odds are slightly better in the Western states of California and Colorado, which each have 20% more college-educated women aged 22 to 29 than men. By comparison, Illinois and North Carolina have 36% and 41% more such women, respectively.

In Silicon Valley, which is notoriously male-dominated, women have much better chances of snagging a man. Santa Clara County, for example, is the only populated area in the country where there are more male college graduates than female ones.

RELATED: Science-backed ways to hack your Tinder profile and get the most matches possible

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NOW WATCH: Have you heard of 'the Tinder for elites'?

Let's pretend you're in a relationship, and your girlfriend is telling you about how terrible her day was.

Her boss didn't say "Thank you" once, the intern screwed up her lunch order, and she didn't realize until 4 p.m. that her shoes didn't match.

Right now, she's venting, which means you should be listening.

According to Adam McHugh, however, there's a pretty good chance you're doing it all wrong.

McHugh is the author of "The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction," in which he outlines a dozen traps people can fall into if they don't approach listening in the right way. One of those is what McHugh calls "The Password."

Here's how he describes it: "The listener sits quietly through the speaker's conversation, but then seizes on one word that she uses, amid a sea of paragraphs, and treats it as a password that unlocks a whole new conversation."

This new conversation bears no similarity to the prior one, and it typically begins with two words cleverly masked in relatability: "Speaking of ..."

"Speaking of tuna casserole, I remember my mom served the worst tuna casserole at my high school graduation party," a password-seeking person might say after a loved one begins lamenting a failed new recipe.

"Speaking of getting embarrassed, my face turns so red when I get embarrassed," the bad listener offers.

These responses may seem like a way to identify with the speaker's problems —Hey, you're not alone! — but McHugh argues they are deceptively selfish.

The password trap isn't unforgivable — most bad listeners would probably say their intentions are good, McHugh says."They would say that they sat quietly and let the other person talk before chiming in and therefore they listened successfully," he explains. "The problem is that silence and listening are not the same thing."

If you're listening to someone get upset about a tuna casserole or an embarrassing moment and your brain is searching for a way to steer the conversation away from the problem, you aren't listening.

Or, if you are listening in such a way "that the speaker must make an abrupt shift to listen," McHugh says — instead of getting to discuss his or her problems freely — "you are not doing it right."

Good listeners are patient and unselfish, and they can recognize when it's their turn to speak. When they do so, they provide reassuring commentary or ask gentle, probing questions. 

That is the express lane to conflict resolution.

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: A dating expert reveals the one word to eliminate from your dating life

You may think you're too overwhelmed with your personal troubles to cheer up a sad friend, the same way you're too busy at work to take a moment to recognize a colleague.

But research suggests you're hardly doing yourself any favors by focusing on your own problems at the expense of supporting others.

According to a new small study, helping others can actually protect you from the negative effects of stress.

For the study, researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles and the Yale University School of Medicine recruited 77 adults between ages 18 and 44. Each evening for two weeks, participants received a reminder to complete a series of questionnaires.

One questionnaire asked about any stressful events they'd experienced, related to work, relationships, finances, and other domains. Another asked participants to indicate any prosocial (helping) behaviors they'd demonstrated, from holding open a door to helping out with schoolwork. Other surveys asked participants to report how often they'd experienced certain positive and negative emotions that day, and to rate their mental health for that day on a scale from 0 to 100.

Results showed that, on days when participants were more helpful than usual, they experienced no decrease in positive emotion or mental health quality, and only a slight increase in negative emotion in response to stress. On the other hand, when they were less helpful than usual, participants experienced lower positive emotion and higher negative emotion in response to stress.

The researchers write: "Results suggest that even brief periods of supporting or helping others might help to mitigate the negative emotional effects of daily stress."

At this point, it's unclear exactly why and how helping behavior minimized the detrimental effects of stress. The researchers propose that supporting others might distract you from your own misery, at least temporarily. Helping others, they say, might also stimulate certain biological systems that tamp down the emotional stress response.

Of course, the study has some notable limitations, namely that all participants were Caucasian, so these findings not apply to the general population.

The researchers also acknowledge the necessity of future research that directly manipulates participants' stress levels and also tracks their stress response and helping behavior multiple times per day, as opposed to just once.

Still, the main takeaway seems to be: Lend a hand, no matter how frazzled you feel. You could be doing the recipient and yourself a favor.

SEE ALSO: The 6 everyday activities that are stressing you out

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