As long as monogamy has existed, so has cheating. What makes people stray from the ones they love? We wanted to find out specifically what drives men to be unfaithful.
We talked to a leading expert on the topic, M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist and the author of "The Neuman Method" and "The Truth About Cheating."Through his research, Neuman found that the main reason men cheat has little to do with sex or physical attraction.
As you're gearing up to rub elbows with global leaders at the World Economic Forum this week, knowing how to start an engaging conversation is a must.
But it's not always easy. What if you and your conversation partner seem to have nothing in common? What if there's an awkward pause? What if you accidentally insult the person?
1. Demonstrate interest in your conversation partner.
Several Quora users noted that the best way to keep a conversation rolling is to show you care about what the other person has to say.
"If you don't fundamentally care about the person you are speaking with, that will show, and that may be the primary reason why you are running out of things to discuss," writes Kai Peter Chang.
That also means letting your conversation partner share information about himself or herself.
"Let the other person speak more,"writes Anam Gulraiz. "People LOVE talking about themselves."
2. Ask open-ended questions.
Instead of asking yes/no questions that lead to dead ends, encourage your conversation partner to share some more detail about his or her life.
"In general, open-ended questions lead to more conversational paths,"says Craig Welland.
For example, instead of asking a fellow party guest, "Are you here with your family?" you might ask, "How did you meet the host?"
3. Allow your conversation partner to teach you.
"If there's a subject you're not familiar with, just be honest with that person and nine out of ten times they'll teach you about it,"writes Michael Wong.
It goes back to that central idea of letting other people do most of the talking. Asking the other person to explain what they mean means they'll be talking for at least another few minutes.
Koby Soto, the Israel-based CTO and cofounder of startup Guesty, was wearing his trusty Fitbit Charge HR like usual when his boyfriend broke up with him.
Which means that this might be the saddest Fitbit heartbeat-tracking chart of all time. Soto sent it to us. The spot where they broke up is marked by the red arrow.
Fitbits are usually for tracking workout routines and long runs, not moments of emotional stress. Not that Soto minds that part.
"I'm a geek myself, having [written code] for a decade and founding my own startup so I like logging and tracking anything I can," Soto tells Business Insider. "I absolutely don't think it is intrusive. I chose to wear it and I found it interesting enough to share."
In the comments, there was a lot of debate over whether he was the one doing the dumping (he wasn't) or whether this means a Fitbit could be used as a polygraph-style lie detector (probably not).
"I don't think it's nearly as accurate to detect lies BUT I find it really interesting to use big data to calculate probabilities before they happen," Kobo says.
The best Hacker News comment, though, is both pretty funny and raises some questions about what it means to give these devices access to your life:
"Perhaps if everyone tagged their breakup moments on their fitbits then fitbit could mass-process the preceding few months / weeks to find a common pattern. You show up a few minutes early to the restaurant and your fitbit can just let you know what's about to happen."
Winter storm Jonas is fast approaching and New Yorkers want to be prepared.
Romantically, that is. Many New Yorkers are hitting Craigslist and posting ads in search of hookups to keep warm and busy during the potential snow storm this weekend.
Here's a charming ad for "Snow Cuddles," from a man seeking a woman in Astoria, Queens. While he thinks the storm will probably be a "let-down," the promise of wine, scotch, hot chocolate, and food, sounds pretty decent.
Not all of the ads are so, shall we say, wholesome. Fair warning, some of the links ahead could be considered NSFW.
"If you can host and want to make a little 'storm' of our own, let me know," begins this ad entitled "Fun Before the Storm."
There is also no shortage of wintry wordplay in many of the ads.
This isn't the first time people have turned to Craigslist to find a little winter storm action. During last years anti-climactic blizzard, many folks posted similar ads on the website looking for love, or at least a little snow day companionship.
Jonas isn't scheduled to hit New York City until this weekend, so we can only imagine these ads are going to multiply as people prepare to hunker down for what could potentially be a snowy few days. If you're looking to find your own blizzard boyfriend or girlfriend, you can check out the ads here.
As a therapist once told us, you need to have conflict if you and your partner are going to grow as a couple.
The question is — how do you get good at it?
A new study from the University of California, Berkeley, sheds a lot of light on what's important. After a series of experiments, psychologists Amie M. Gordon and Serena Chen found that feeling understood by a partner makes people feel like conflict helps, rather than harms, their relationship.
"Conflict is only negatively associated with relationship satisfaction postconflict when people do not feel their thoughts, feelings, and point of view are understood by their romantic partners," the authors write.
For one survey study, participants — all of whom were in their 20s or 30s and in relationships of at least six months — were recruited online . They reported on how the frequency of conflict influenced how they felt about the health of their relationship. The more conflict, the worse they thought they were faring — unless they felt understood.
In another study, couples were brought into the lab where they were interviewed in person about a conflict they had in their relationship. Before and after the interviewing, they rated their relationship satisfaction. As with the other study, individuals who felt understood by their partner had a higher rating of satisfaction after the conflict.
Gordon and Chen found that couples who use "affection, humor, or effective problem-solving" are the best at conflict.
The lesson: conflict is not something to be avoided; it's something to learn how to do well.
John Gottman, one of the world's leading relationship psychologists, told us that there are four components to getting good at these uncomfortable conversations:
• Putting your emotions into words. Your partner's best attempts at listening aren't going to be fruitful unless you can articulate what's happening in your head. It's about "being able to put your emotions into words that really are what you actually feel," Gottman says. "Knowing where you feel tense, what relaxed feels like, what truth feels like." A meditation-like technique called Focusing helps with developing these skills.
• Asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions allow you to explore your partner's feelings. "They open up the heart and have acceptance at the base of them,"Gottman says. For example, you might ask: So what do you feel about this living room — how would you change it if you had all the money in the world? What do you want your life to be like in three years? How do you like your job?
• Making open-ended statements. "These are exploratory statements," he says, where you encourage your partner to tell you a story. For instance: I want to hear all of your thoughts about quitting your job. I want to hear all of your thoughts about your job.
• Empathizing with your partner. Rather than saying you understand, show that you understand. "Empathy is really communicating that you understand your partner's feelings and they make sense to you," Gottman says. "It's really caring about your partner's welfare, not just your own."
As a therapist once told us, you need to have conflict if you and your partner are going to grow as a couple.
The question is — how do you get good at it?
A new study from the University of California, Berkeley, sheds a lot of light on what's important. After a series of experiments, psychologists Amie M. Gordon and Serena Chen found that feeling understood by a partner makes people feel like conflict helps, rather than harms, their relationship.
"Conflict is only negatively associated with relationship satisfaction postconflict when people do not feel their thoughts, feelings, and point of view are understood by their romantic partners," the authors write.
For one survey study, participants — all of whom were in their 20s or 30s and in relationships of at least six months — were recruited online . They reported on how the frequency of conflict influenced how they felt about the health of their relationship. The more conflict, the worse they thought they were faring — unless they felt understood.
In another study, couples were brought into the lab where they were interviewed in person about a conflict they had in their relationship. Before and after the interviewing, they rated their relationship satisfaction. As with the other study, individuals who felt understood by their partner had a higher rating of satisfaction after the conflict.
Gordon and Chen found that couples who use "affection, humor, or effective problem-solving" are the best at conflict.
The lesson: conflict is not something to be avoided; it's something to learn how to do well.
John Gottman, one of the world's leading relationship psychologists, told us that there are four components to getting good at these uncomfortable conversations:
• Putting your emotions into words. Your partner's best attempts at listening aren't going to be fruitful unless you can articulate what's happening in your head. It's about "being able to put your emotions into words that really are what you actually feel," Gottman says. "Knowing where you feel tense, what relaxed feels like, what truth feels like." A meditation-like technique called Focusing helps with developing these skills.
• Asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions allow you to explore your partner's feelings. "They open up the heart and have acceptance at the base of them,"Gottman says. For example, you might ask: So what do you feel about this living room — how would you change it if you had all the money in the world? What do you want your life to be like in three years? How do you like your job?
• Making open-ended statements. "These are exploratory statements," he says, where you encourage your partner to tell you a story. For instance: I want to hear all of your thoughts about quitting your job. I want to hear all of your thoughts about your job.
• Empathizing with your partner. Rather than saying you understand, show that you understand. "Empathy is really communicating that you understand your partner's feelings and they make sense to you," Gottman says. "It's really caring about your partner's welfare, not just your own."
According to Psychology Today, "Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others." This usually involves:
Emotional awareness, which includes the ability to identify your own emotions as well as those of others;
The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks such as problem solving;
The ability to manage your emotions, such as being able to calm down when you're upset.
If you want to know if you have a high emotional intelligence (EI) or want to work on strengthening your EI in order to succeed in life and your career, here are 10 qualities that people with high EI all share.
1. They're not perfectionists.
Being a perfectionist can get in the way of completing tasks and achieving goals since it can lead to having trouble getting started, procrastinating, and looking for the right answer when there isn't one. This is why people with EI aren't perfectionists. They realize that perfection doesn't exist and push forward. If they make a mistake, they'll make adjustments and learn from it. This is one I personally have to work on daily as I tend to be a little more perfectionist.
2. They know how to balance work and play.
Working 24/7 and not taking care of yourself adds unnecessary stress and health problems to your life. Because of this, people with EI know when it's time to work and when to play. For example, if they need to disconnect from the world for a couple of hours, or even an entire weekend, they will because they need the time to unplug to reduce the stress levels.
3. They embrace change.
Instead of dreading change, emotionally intelligent people realize that change is a part of life. Being afraid of change hinders success, so they adapt to the changes around them and always have a plan in place should any sort of change occur.
4. They don't get easily distracted.
People with high EI have the ability to pay attention to the task at hand and aren't easily distracted by their surroundings, such as text or random thought.
5. They're empathetic.
Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of "Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence," told The Huffington Post that empathy is one of the five components of emotional intelligence. In fact, being able to relate to others, show compassion, and take the time to help someone are all crucial components of EI. Additionally, being empathic makes people with EI curious about other people and and leads them to ask lots of questions whenever they meet someone new.
6. They know their strengths and weaknesses.
Emotionally intelligent people know what they're good at and what they're not so great at. They've not just accepted their strengths and weaknesses; they also know how to leverage their strengths and weaknesses by working with the right people in the right situation.
7. They're self-motivated.
Were you that ambitious and hard-working kid who was motivated to achieve a goal — and not just because there was a reward at the end? Being a real go-getter, even at a young age, is another quality possessed by people with EI.
8. They don't dwell in the past.
People with high EI don't have the time to dwell in the past because they're too busy contemplating the possibilities that tomorrow will bring. They don't let past mistakes consume them with negativity. They don't hold grudges. Both add stress and prevent us from moving forward.
9. They focus on the positive.
Emotionally intelligent people would rather devote their time and energy to solving a problem. Instead of harping on the negative, they look at the positive and what they have control over. Furthermore, they also spend their time with other positive people and not the people who constantly complain.
10. They set boundaries.
While people with high EI may seem like pushovers because of their politeness and compassion, they actually have the power to establish boundaries. For example, they know how to say no to others. The reason? It prevents them from getting overwhelmed, burned out, and stressed because they have too many commitments. Instead, they're aware that saying no frees them up from completing previous commitments.
It’s a question that often plagues people after a painful break-up: What went wrong?
As they work to figure out the answer, people typically create new relationship stories, analyzing the events leading up to the breakup and using them to build a cohesive narrative.
In some cases, this type of storytelling can be positive, helping people to make sense of—and come to terms with—painful things that happen to them. Other times, though, the storytelling process can be a negative one, compounding pain rather than easing it.
My colleague Carol Dweck and I research why some people are haunted by the ghosts of their romantic past, while others seem to move on from failed relationships with minimal difficulty. Over the course of our research, I’ve read hundreds of personal stories about the end of relationships, and these stories offer some clues as to what pushes a person into one group or the other.
In one study, Dweck and I asked people to reflect on a time when they were rejected in a romantic context, and then write about the question: What did you take away from this rejection? For some people, their answers made it clear that the rejection had come to define them—they assumed that their former partners had discovered something truly undesirable about them.
For example, one person wrote: “Things were going well when all of a sudden he stopped talking to me. I have no idea why, but I think he saw that I was too clingy and this scared him away.” Another said: “I learned that I am too sensitive and that I push people away to avoid them pushing me away first. This characteristic is negative and makes people crazy and drives them away.”
In these types of stories, rejection uncovered a hidden flaw, one that led people to question or change their own views of themselves—and, often, they portrayed their personalities as toxic, with negative qualities likely to contaminate other relationships. One study participant wrote: “I learned that I have a part of my personality that sabotages my happiness.” Another confessed: “I just feel hurt and rejected. I try to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault and that it was that person’s loss but I can’t help but feel inadequate.”
Many of these stories were similar to the ones I’d heard from friends after their own breakups. The refrains were familiar: “Why wasn’t I good enough?” or “Is there something wrong with me?” When people see ex-partners in new relationships, they often ask themselves: “What does she or he have that I don’t?”
After a breakup, it can be healthy for people to reflect on what they’ve learned from the past relationship and what they want to improve in the next one. A healthy behavior can become an unhealthy one, though, when people take it too far and begin to question their own basic worth.
But the loss of a partner can make it easy to fall into the self-deprecation trap. Research by the psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues shows that when people are in close relationships, their self becomes intertwined with their partner’s self. In other words, we begin to think of a romantic partner as a part of ourselves—confusing our traits with their traits, our memories with their memories, and our identity with their identity.
In a measure designed to capture the closeness of a relationship, Aron’s team ask people to consider themselves as one circle, their partner as another, and indicate the extent to which the two overlap.
To an extent, this overlap of the two selves can be a very positive part of relationships. As people get to know a new romantic partner, they often go through a rapid period where they immerse themselves in the interests and identities of their partner, adopting new perspectives and expanding their worldview. One of the greatest pleasures of being in a relationship is that it canbroaden a person’s sense of self by exposing them to things outside of their usual routines.
But this also means that when a relationship ends, the loss of a romantic partner can, to some extent, cause the loss of the self. In one study, after reflecting on a breakup, people used fewer unique words to describe themselves when writing a short self-description. And the more people felt themselves grow during a relationship, the more likely they were to experience a blow to their self-imageafter the breakup.
In our research, people reported the most prolonged distress after a romantic rejection when it caused their self-image to change for the worse. People who agreed that the rejection made them question who they really were also reported more often that they were still upset when they thought about the person who had rejected them.
Pain lingered from rejections that had occurred even years before. Writing about what they took away from the rejection, one study participant said: “Lots of emotional pain. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night … It’s been 10 years and the pain hasn’t gone away.” If rejection seems to reveal a new, negative truth about a person, it becomes a heavier, more painful burden.
When rejection is intimately liked to self-concept, people are also more likely to experience a fear of it. People reported becoming more guarded with new partners and “putting up walls.” One study participant wrote: “I feel like I constantly withhold myself in possible future relationships in fear of being rejected again.”
The belief that rejection revealed a flaw prompted people to worry that this defect would resurface in other relationships. They worried that future relationships would continue to fail, voicing fears that no matter how hard they tried, they would not be able to find someone new to love them.
In some cases, rejection also seemed to fundamentally change people’s outlook on romantic partnerships, leaving them with pessimistic views about the fundamental nature of relationships. As one person wrote: “To me, this rejection was like opening Pandora’s Box, and concepts like love and trust became fantasies that never really existed.”
So what makes for a healthy breakup, one in which the person moves on with minimal emotional damage? In our study, some people drew much weaker connections between rejection and the self, describing rejection as an arbitrary and unpredictable force rather than the result of some personal flaw. One person wrote, “Sometimes girls are not interested. It’s nothing to do with yourself, it’s just that they’re not interested.”
Another noted how rejection wasn’t a reflection of worth: “I learned that two people can both be quality individuals, but that doesn’t mean they belong together.” Other people saw the rejection as a universal experience: “Everyone gets rejected. It’s just part of life.”
Yet another group of people saw the breakup as an opportunity for growth, often citing specific skills they had been able to learn from rejection. Communication was a recurrent theme: People described how a rejection had helped them understand the importance of clear expectations, how to identify differences in goals, and how to express what they wanted out of a relationship. Other participants wrote that breakups had helped them to accept that they couldn’t control the thoughts and actions of others, or to learn how to forgive.
So separating rejection from the self tends to make breakups easier, and linking the two tends to make them more difficult. But what makes people more likely to do one or the other?
Past research by Dweck and others shows that people tend to hold one of two views about their own personal qualities: that they are fixed over the lifespan, or that they are malleable and can be developed at any point. These beliefs impact how people respond to setbacks. For example, when people consider intelligence to be something fixed, they’re less likely to persist in the face of failure than people who believe that intelligence can be developed.
And when we asked people to reflect on their past rejections, we found a link between those who believed personality was fixed and those who believed that rejection exposed their true selves. If someone believes that their traits are unchanging, the discovery of a negative one is akin to a life sentence with that new knowledge. Believing in the potential for change, however, might meant that the discovery of a negative quality instead prompts personal growth.
The stories we tell ourselves about rejection, in other words, can shape how, and how well, we cope with it. Previous research has illustrated the importance of storytelling in other realms—for example, recovering alcoholics who told redemptive stories in which they learned something from their suffering were more likely to maintain sobriety than people who told stories without this theme. Narratives that explained pivotal decisions (including getting married or divorced, and changing jobs) as moving toward a desired future, rather than escaping an undesirable past, were associated with higher life satisfaction.
One strategy for making breakups a little easier, then, might be to consciously consider the narratives we create about the experience. A person might think: I was bad at communicating in the relationship; I guess I just can't open up to people. Another story might be: I was bad at communicating in the relationship, but that’s something that I can work on, and future relationships will be better.
Maybe a healthy habit of questioning our own narratives can help us to make better ones—stories that promote resilience in the face of pain.
Dating in the 21st century is confusing. We have complicated ways of connecting that didn't exist 20 years ago, and much of our conversation with romantic partners happens over text message.
Comedian Aziz Ansari is here to help us out. For his new book, "Modern Romance," Ansari worked with sociologist Eric Klinenberg to explore how we date in the digital age. They talked with hundreds of single people across the world, asking how they connect with romantic partners.
Ansari and Klinenberg discovered the entire culture of finding love has evolved dramatically, fueled in part by the advent of cellphones and the explosion in online dating.
They also found that a lot of people have questions about texting etiquette.
Here are some of their tips.
Don't wait to send that first text.
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Although the three-day rule has floated around as solid advice for what seems like forever, Ansari and Klinenberg found that's actually a myth.
After you meet someone you like, the best time to send the first text is that same day. It's better to touch base sooner rather than later, because it keeps the romantic momentum going.
That person already gave you their number, so chances are they dig you.
Avoid "heyyy" and make it personal.
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Ansari and Klinenberg found one of women's most common texting peeves was the generic "hello" text.
"After seeing hundreds and hundreds of messages in womens' phones," Ansari writes, "I can definitively say that most of the texts women receive are, sadly, utterly lacking in either thought or personality."
Instead, reference something you talked about when you first met that person. Show them you actually listen to what they say.
Try to be clever.
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Adding a dose of comedy to your texts can really up your game, Ansari says. It keeps things lighthearted and makes you memorable to the other person.
At the same time, try not to overdo it, because sometimes sarcasm or offbeat humor can be a little hard to decipher over text.
Take a guess and you're likely to come up with something like talent, brains, grit, even luck or connections.
And certainly all of these are great things to have if you're looking to accomplish incredible things. But according to a recent Medium post by author and entrepreneur Michael Simmons, science actually offers a different answer to this question.
"According to multiple, peer-reviewed studies, simply being in an open network instead of a closed one is the best predictor of career success," he writes. "In fact, the study shows that half of the predicted difference in career success (i.e., promotion, compensation, industry recognition) is due to this one variable."
The power of an open network
Simmons explains that he discovered this startling truth in the course of interviewing several prominent network scientists. These experts not only told Simmons about the importance of having an open network, they also explained to him why this one factor is so incredibly important.
First, what exactly is an "open network"? To define the term, it's helpful to understand its opposite. "Most people spend their careers in closed networks; networks of people who already know each other," Simmons writes. "People often stay in the same industry, the same religion, and the same political party." This type of closed network, he concedes, has some obvious advantages.
"It's easier to get things done," Simmons allows, "because you've built up trust, and you know all the shorthand terms and unspoken rules. It's comfortable because the group converges on the same ways of seeing the world that confirm your own."
On the other hand, those with an open network — i.e., people who act as the node connecting different groups — can end up feeling more lonely and less understood. Having an open network is "challenging, because it requires assimilating different and conflicting perspectives into one worldview," Simmons notes.
But it's the sparks that fly when people of different backgrounds and worldviews knock against one another that actually make open networks so valuable. By bringing together people of different backgrounds, you gain the ability to escape a single group's echo chamber and avoid errors caused by groupthink; the power to act as a connector or translator between different circles; and the immense creative potential of combining ideas from different fields.
In short, if you're able to endure the occasional social and intellectual discomfort of moving among different groups, you'll gain a massive boost to your chances of career success.
I am about to move in with my significant other and we've been having a lot of frank conversations about money. Do you have any topics you'd recommend we discuss?
Congrats on making a big decision to move in with your significant other! It's wonderful that you and your partner are having open discussions about your finances.
Here's a few areas that I think are really important to discuss:
Income: I'm amazed by how many people have no idea how much money their significant other makes. It's important when you're deciding how to share expenses.
I don't recommend splitting the rent 50/50 if you don't make the same amount of income. I think it makes more financial sense to each contribute a percentage of your income to share household expenses based on how much you each make.
Credit score: In order to qualify for an apartment they check your credit score, so it's really important that you're aware of your partner's score before you start shopping for apartments. The last thing you want is to be denied for a rental based on your partner's bad credit.
Debt: It's important to know how much debt your partner has, so you know if they might have difficulties keeping up on rent payments.
Savings and assets: If your partner is living paycheck to paycheck with little savings, it might not be the best idea to move in together. On the flip side, if they have plenty of emergency savings and are saving for retirement, it shows that they are serious about their financial situation and that's great!
Remember, talking about your finances is an ongoing discussion not a one-time talk. You'll want to make financial discussions part of your relationship so there aren't surprises that might negatively affect your own financial situation.
It can also bring you closer together as a couple by sharing your goals around your finances. I recommend having a weekly money date with your partner so you can plan how you're going to use your money to match your values, so you can live an amazing life.
Sophia Bera, CFP® is the Founder of Gen Y Planning and has been quoted in The New York Times, Forbes, Business Insider, AOL, The Wall Street Journal, and Money Magazine. She tweets, travels, and loves helping millennials manage their money more effectively. Curious? Sign up for the free Gen Y Planning Newsletter.
Data analyst and writer Amy Webb left her first few online dates feeling defeated.
On one date, the guy ordered the most expensive menu items at a restaurant then left her with the bill, Webb describes in a TED talk.
One of the problems Webb found with online dating was that she and her matches weren't filling out their profiles honestly.
Instead, Webb said, she had simply copied and pasted lines from her résumé into the blanks beneath each question. Where a site would ask her to describe herself, for example, she wrote things like "award-winning journalist" and "future thinker."
These answers weren't matching her up with the types of people she wanted to meet because they didn't accurately describe her personality. Instead, they described how she'd want someone interviewing her for a job to see her.
But the answer to her dating conundrum wasn't simply being more honest and taking time to actually answer the questions, she found out.
Why? Because even if she decided to be completely frank in her answers, her matches probably wouldn't be.
"Very few of us have the ability to be totally and brutally honest with ourselves," she says in the TED talk.
As a result, keep getting matched up with people who don't fit our personalities at all.
With this is mind, here are the steps Webb took to get the matches she wanted:
First, she laid out all the things she actually desired in someone else: a sense of humor, an easygoing personality, etc. Then she started looking at the profiles of the people she wanted to match with and looked at the women these guys had gotten matched with instead of her.The first thing she noticed was that instead of filling in the description sections with phrases like "award-winning" or "future thinker," they picked words that actually described their personalities — things like "fun,""new,""time,""love," and "enjoy."
Webb also realized that when she picked out her photos, she made a rookie mistake — they were either very zoomed out or so poorly lit you could barely see her!
She had wanted to seem open, lighthearted, and friendly, but instead she came across as distant. "It's about being more approachable,"she said during the talk.
Using her findings, Webb remade her profile, including more honest, open language — and photos where she could actually be seen.
A few weeks later Webb became the most popular woman online, she says.
And thanks to all her hacking, she found the perfect match. They're now married with a kid, in case you were wondering.
For a long time, monogamy and marriage were considered inseparable (at least in most modern Western societies).
But a growing body of research shows that couples are starting to consider that monogamy may not be for everyone — and in some marriages, partners are starting to actively discuss whether or not they want to be sexually exclusive.
Of course, our understanding of marriage is constantly evolving: These days there's a much larger emphasis on equality between spouses and mutual emotional and sexual satisfaction than in the past, for example.
And now research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that another big change is happening in how people think about marriage: Some no longer consider monogamy an absolute essential.
That's the conclusion of a study in which a team of psychologists interviewed 90 Canadians and asked them questions about monogamy and marriage. The group included 26 heterosexual females, 21 heterosexual males, 21 gay males, and 22 lesbians. A few interviewees were divorced, but most were a few years into their first marriage.
The sample is small and specific, so we can't use it to draw any conclusions about the population at large. Americans or people in decades-long marriages might feel differently, for example.
Still, the study is alluring: It builds on earlier research and provides interesting insights about how some people are starting to think differently about these issues.
The first questions the couples answered revealed that people are becoming more open to the idea of non-monogamous marriages. Less than half of all the heterosexual female respondents, about one-third of the heterosexual male respondents, and "relatively few" homosexual couples felt that marriage and monogamy were inseparable, the researchers concluded.
Most people interviewed thought that monogamy isn't something that a marriage necessarily requires. As one participant explained:
I’ll say that it’s different for everyone ... and you have to find what works for you ... [maybe] you’re committed to each other and you’re married but then you guys decide every Friday night we’re going to swinger parties and that’s what we want to do, and that excitement is what brings us together, then awesome. But is it going to be for me? No. Am I going to say, you can’t do it? No.
That "is it going to be for me? No" is telling: Even though a majority of couples didn't think monogamy was essential to a marriage, the vast majority of heterosexual women and men still considered it the default setting in their own marriages. Many assumed that getting married implied monogamy, and didn't think it was something that needed active discussion.
Same-sex couples, on the other hand, were more likely to discuss whether or not they wanted to be sexually exclusive. The researchers think this might be connected to how same-sex couples were treated in the past. Since they were excluded from marriage for so long, past research suggests these couples may have an easier time establishing relationships that don't automatically conform to traditional rules.
That might be part of why some same-sex couples are more open to discussing non-monogamy throughout the course of the marriage, as one respondent explained:
Neither of us wants to deprive the other of something that’s important to them, because knowing that we were both in this for the long haul, we didn’t want to say this is the rule, you know what I mean? And if somebody felt at some point that they had some need ... we would be open to discussing and trying to figure out how to make that happen for that person.
While it wasn't apparent in this study, other research suggests that more and more heterosexual couples are heading in this direction, too, even though non-monogamous relationships are still somewhat stigmatized, researchers have found.
In their paper, the psychologists pointed to a previous study that found "heterosexual couples were more likely in 2000 than in 1975 to have an explicit discussion of monogamous practices in order to ensure both couples understood the agreement."
It's unclear exactly how many couples are in consensual non-monogamous relationships or marriages (as opposed to ones that involve infidelity, where extramarital relationships happen but are breaking the rules). One study found that somewhere between 4 and 5% of people in the US are currently in consensual, non-monogamous relationships, but estimates vary widely.
While measuring the popularity of non-monogamous marriages is difficult, it does seem like people are becoming more open-minded about the concept — something in line with what researchers have found so far about the relative benefits of these relationships.
"Thus far, empirical evidence does not support the hypothesis that monogamy is superior to consensual non-monogamy ... Because monogamy is a central foundation of our culture, this is rather perplexing," a team of psychologists noted in 2013, arguing that much more research is needed. "It is curious that an institution that is so clearly accepted — even exalted — cannot be easily empirically supported as more beneficial than alternatives."
It's no wonder that some of those alternatives are starting to gain a foothold in the way people think about and understand this core social institution.
If you know someone who shares a little too much about their relationship on Facebook, the reality is that there may be a deeper meaning besides wanting to show off how "happy" they are. Psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman shows why you should hold back on posting about your significant other.
On the way home from work you have every intention of greeting your partner with a friendly "Hi, how are you? How was your day?" and listening attentively while he or she tells you all about it.
But the minute you open the door and drop your keys on the counter, you find yourself knee-deep in an argument about how he or she bought the wrong type of pepper.
Don't worry: It's perfectly normal to get into arguments like these with your significant other every once in a while, John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, told Business Insider.
It's what happens next that you need to watch out for, he says.
When you express your frustration over the pepper mix-up, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, "What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?"
If you find yourself in the second situation, you're likely displaying contempt for your partner, and it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy.
Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.
Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it — along with the negative behaviors of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — to predict divorce with 93% accuracy.
"Contempt," says Gottman, "is the kiss of death."
The striking 93% figure comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. Since then, decades of research into marriage and divorce have lent further support to the idea linking divorce with specific negative behaviors.
One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or simply began to disengage from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce, even as far as 16 years down the road.
Why are couples who exhibit this one behavior more likely to split up?
It comes down to a superiority complex.
Feeling smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other means you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more importantly, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.
Picture a resonance chamber, suggests Gottman, with each person in the relationship a source of his or her own musical (or emotional) vibrations. If each partner is closed off to the other person's vibes (or emotions) and more interested in unleashing their own feelings of disgust and superiority, these negative vibrations will resound against one another, escalating a bad situation "until something breaks," Gottman says.
If you've noticed yourself or your partner exhibiting this type of behavior, don't despair — it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.
Being aware that you're doing something that could negatively affect your partner is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll likely greatly improve the relationship — and increase your chances of staying together for longer.
In the early '90s, anthropologist Robin Dunbar proposed that a human being has the capacity to have up to 150 meaningful relationships. Recently, Dunbar did a study of human interaction on Facebook and found that number to be much lower. We only have 4 real friends, and 14 that care at all.
No relationship is perfect, in the personal or the business sphere.
But for the most part, a good relationship makes you feel secure, happy, cared for, respected, and free to be yourself.
On the other side of the coin are toxic relationships — the ones that make you feel drained, depleted, and sometimes even distraught.
Whether you're running a business, working with a partner, leading an organization, or managing a team, the last thing you need is a toxic relationship.
Here are some signs to help you recognize a toxic relationship:
1. All take, no give. Any relationship in which you experience withdrawals of energy without deposits will leave you in the negative.
2. Feeling drained. If, instead of feeling happy and productive, you're always mentally, emotionally, and even physically drained, it's time to re-evaluate.
3. Lack of trust. A relationship without trust is like a car without gas: You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.
4. Hostile atmosphere. Constant anger is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. You should never be around hostility because it makes you feel unsafe.
5. Occupied with imbalance. A one-sided relationship can never run smoothly.
6. Constant judgment. In judgmental relationships, criticism is not intended to be helpful but rather to belittle.
7. Persistent unreliability. Mutual reliability is important to building trust and is at the core of any good relationship.
8. Nonstop narcissism. If the other party's interest in the relationship is really just a reflection of him or herself, it's impossible to achieve any kind of balance.
9. Loaded with negative energy. It's almost impossible for anything positive to come out of a relationship filled with negativity.
10. Lack of communication. Without communication, there is no relationship. Period.
11. Continuous disrespect. Mutual respect is the first requirement of a good partnership.
12. Mutual avoidance. If you spend your time avoiding each other, that tells you all you need to know.
13. Insufficient support. If you cannot turn to each other, is there a reason to be in the relationship?
14. Ceaseless control issues. If one person is in control, or a constant tug-of-war is going on, you're probably spending too much energy navigating the relationship.
15. Never-ending drama. Good relationships improve your life; they don't make it messier.
16. Persistent self-betrayal. If you find yourself changing your opinions to please someone else, you're in a damaging relationship.
17. Constant challenges. All relationships go through challenges, but good relationships work through them.
18. Feelings of unworthiness. It's an insidious thing negative relationships do: They leave you feeling you don't deserve any better.
19. Vibes of entrapment. Is the other person a positive force in your life, or are you there because you don't see any way out?
20. Always undermining. If a relationship can't be reassuring, it's failing a crucial test.
21. Empty pretense. Smiles don't always mean everything is OK.
22. Packed with uncertainty. When nothing is sure, forward movement feels impossible.
23. Brimming with envy. Partners are never equal in all aspects, but that should be a source of strength, not of a source of disruptive envy.
24. Shortage of autonomy. Anyone in any relationship should have the right to say no.
25. Permeates victimhood. You can't move onto the future if you're tied to someone who's still stuck in the past.
26. Diminishes your self-worth. When you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't acknowledge your value, it can be hard to see it yourself.
27. Laced with dishonesty. Every lie between partners undercuts a little bit of the relationship.
28. Makes you unhappy. If someone is constantly making you unhappy, you owe it to yourself to let that person go.
29. Feels uncomfortable. Sometimes your mind needs more time to discover what your heart already knows.
30. Lowers your high standards. Toxic relationships can cause us to slowly begin accepting what was once not acceptable.
31. Senses stagnant. Growth and learning are vital, and you can't afford to be cut off from them.
32. Cuts corners. Nothing is ever worth cutting corners, or accepting anything that is second rate.
33. Filled with criticism. A nonstop barrage of criticism never helped anyone improve; it's not about making things better but boosting the critic's ego.
34. Brings out the worst. If you are constantly being your worst, you cannot be your best self.
35. Cannot do anything right. If you cannot do anything right, maybe the relationship is all wrong.
Relationships are important, and a toxic relationship can cost you dearly in time and energy that you could be putting to much better use.
Stay true to yourself and your values, listen to your heart, and be strong if you need to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship.
It’s a question that often plagues people after a painful break-up: What went wrong?
The first thing she noticed was that instead of filling in the description sections with phrases like "award-winning" or "future thinker," they picked words that actually described their personalities — things like "fun,""new,""time,""love," and "enjoy."
Webb also realized that when she picked out her photos, she made a rookie mistake — they were either very zoomed out or so poorly lit you could barely see her!
Same-sex couples, on the other hand, were more likely to discuss whether or not they wanted to be sexually exclusive. The researchers think this might be connected to how same-sex couples were treated in the past. Since they were excluded from marriage for so long, past research suggests these couples may have an easier time establishing relationships that don't 
Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it — along with the negative behaviors of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — to predict divorce with 93% accuracy