If you're fortunate enough to find someone you want to settle down with forever, the next question is: How do you achieve happily ever after?

According to mathematician Hannah Fry, it may come down to a simple formula.

Fry, who works at the UCL Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis in London, explains in her 2014 TED Talk and recently released book, "The Mathematics of Love," that the best predictor of long-lasting relationships is how positive and negative a couple can be to one another.

In her book, she discusses the groundbreaking work of psychologist John Gottman and his team. Over many years they observed hundreds of couples and noted their facial expressions, heart rates, blood pressure, skin conductivity, and the words they used in conversation with their partners.

They discovered low-risk couples have more positive interactions with each other, and high-risk couples tend to spiral into negativity.

As Fry puts it, "In relationships where both partners consider themselves as happy, bad behavior is dismissed as unusual." For example, a wife might assume her husband's grumpiness is due to stress at work or a bad night's sleep. 

"In negative relationships, however, the situation is reversed," writes Fry. "Bad behavior is considered the norm." A husband, for instance, might think his wife's grumpiness is "typical," due to her "selfishness" or other negative personality trait.

Gottman then teamed up with mathematician James Murray, and they began to understand how these spirals of negativity happen. They came up with the below equations, which predict how positive or negative a husband and wife will be at the next point in their conversation.

As Fry explains, the model is framed as husband and wife but also applies to same-sex spouses and unmarried couples in long-term relationships.

The wife's equation is the top line, the husband's the bottom, and it solves for how positive or negative the next thing they say will be.

In hers, w stands for her mood in general, rwWt represents her mood when she's with her husband, and IHW shows how the husband's actions influence her. The husband's follows the same pattern.

Gottman and Murray found that the influence a couple has on each other is the most important factor. If a husband says something positive, like agrees with his wife or makes a joke, the wife will likely react positively in turn. Meanwhile, if he does something negative, like interrupts her or dismisses something she's said, she will likely be negatively impacted.

The "negativity threshold" pinpoints when the wife becomes so frustrated by her husband that she responds very negatively.

Interestingly, Fry says she would have imagined that the best relationships would have a high negativity threshold, meaning they'd be focused on compromise and would bring up an issue only if it was "a really big deal." But in fact, the opposite is true.

"The most successful relationships are the ones with a really low negativity threshold," writes Fry. "In those relationships, couples allow each other to complain, and work together to constantly repair the tiny issues between them. In such a case, couples don't bottle up their feelings, and little things don't end up being blown completely out of proportion."

Happy couples, then, tend to have more positive interactions than negative ones, and thus are more likely to give each other the benefit of a doubt. When there is an issue, they're more likely to bring it up quickly, fix it, and move on.

"Mathematics leaves us with a positive message for our relationships," Fry says, "reinforcing the age-old wisdom that you really shouldn't let the sun go down on your anger."

Watch Fry's TED Talk on the mathematics of love below.

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NOW WATCH: 5 ways to change your body language to make people like you

Qiao Dewei and Liu Shixiu have been married for 67 years, according to Chinese state media. This year, the Year of the Monkey, is also their birth year, so Qiao wanted to make it extra special.

Story by Jacob Shamsian and editing by Ben Nigh

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This post from LinkedIn Influencer Travis Bradberry appeared originally on LinkedIn.

Too many people succumb to the mistaken belief that the ability to connect with others is a natural, unteachable trait that belongs to only a lucky few.

It’s easy to fall prey to this misconception. In reality, this ability is under your control, and it’s a matter of emotional intelligence (EQ).

Research conducted by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA shows that being social and connecting with others is as fundamental a human need as food, shelter, and water. For example, Lieberman discovered that we feel social pain, such as the loss of a relationship, in the same part of the brain that we feel physical pain.

The primary function of this brain area is to alert us to threats to our survival. It makes you realize how powerful and important social connection is. We’re hard wired to be social creatures.

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.” – Ralph Nichols

MRIs of the brain show that social thinking and analytical thinking involve entirely different neural networks and that they operate something like a seesaw. When you engage in analytical thinking, the social part of your brain quiets down, but as soon as you’re finished, the social network springs back to life.

The social brain is the end of the seesaw where the fat kid sits; it’s our brain’s default setting.

Given that social connection is such a fundamental human need, you’d think that it would be easy to connect with everyone we meet. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Against our own self-interest, we get bogged down by shyness, self-consciousness, cynicism, pride, competitiveness, jealousy, and arrogance.

If you can get that baggage out of the way, you can connect with anyone — even those who are still holding on to their own. Here are some tips that will help you to connect instantly with everyone you meet.

SEE ALSO: 10 habits of chronically unhappy people

Leave a strong first impression.

Research shows that most people decide whether or not they like you within the first seven seconds of meeting you. They then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their initial reaction. This may sound terrifying, but by knowing this, you can take advantage of it to connect with anyone.

First impressions are tied intimately to positive body language. Becoming cognizant of your gestures, expressions, and tone of voice (and making certain they’re positive) will draw people to you like ants to a picnic.

Using an enthusiastic tone, uncrossing your arms, maintaining eye contact, and leaning towards the person who’s speaking are all forms of positive body language that high-EQ people use to draw others in. Positive body language can make all the difference in a conversation. It’s true that how you say something can be more important than what you say.

Be the first to venture beyond the superficial.

Our first conversation or two with a new acquaintance tends to be pretty superficial. We portray a careful picture of ourselves, and we stick to nice, safe topics. We talk about the weather and people we know in common and share the most basic details about ourselves. But if you really want to connect with somebody, try upping the ante and revealing the real you.

You don’t need to get too personal, but it’s important to let the other person know what you’re passionate about. Most of the time, if you open up, the other person will follow your lead and do the same.

Ask good questions.

If the other person seems hesitant to open up, encourage them to do so by asking substantial questions. “What do you do?” doesn’t further the relationship nearly as much as, “Why did you choose your profession?”

Search for questions that will help you to understand what makes the other person tick, without getting too personal.

Ever been in the middle of a heated argument when suddenly the other person pulls out their phone and starts texting?

If the answer is yes, and if you find it happening constantly, we hope that person isn't your significant other.

This behavior, known as stonewalling, is one of four reactions that John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the founder of the Gottman Institute, has identified as a telltale sign that all is not well with a married couple.

In fact, when Gottman and University of California at Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson lumped stonewalling together with three other behaviors — contempt, criticism, and defensiveness — and measured how often they occurred within the span of a 15-minute conversation, they found they could predict which marriages would end in divorce with striking precision.

When the psychologists added questions about things like relationship satisfaction and how many times the research subjects had thoughts about separating to the mix, they could predict which marriages would end in divorce 93% of the time.

The figure, which comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period), was so striking it spurred the researchers to label the four behaviors "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."

While that initial study, published in 2002, was small and focused on a specific population, a decade of research into marriage and divorce has lent further support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviors.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.

So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviors actually look like in a relationship?

1. Contempt

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.

This behavior alone, Gottman told Business Insider, is "the kiss of death" for a relationship.

Take an everyday argument about buying groceries, for example. When you come home and realize your significant other has picked up habanero peppers rather than bell peppers for tonight's stir-fry dinner, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?

The reason contempt is so powerful is because it means you've closed yourself off to your partner's needs and emotions.

If you constantly feel smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other, you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

2. Criticism

Like contempt, criticism involves turning a behavior (something your partner did) into a statement about his or her character (the type of person he or she is).

Say your partner has a nasty habit of leaving his or her used cereal bowl — calcified, uneaten cereal-and-milk remnants and all — around the house.

Do you wait until he or she gets home to mention that the behavior bothers you, and gently suggest that he or she put the emptied bowl in the sink or dishwasher instead? Or do you think to yourself, "Why am I dating the type of person who abandons half-eaten cereal bowls around the house?"

Over time, these personal detractions can add up, feeding darker feelings of resentment and contempt.

3. Defensiveness

If you find yourself regularly playing the victim in tough situations with your partner, you might be guilty of being defensive.

Take being late to a cousin's wedding, for example. Are you the first to say, "It wasn't my fault!" when you finally arrive? Or do you think it over before you accuse the other person, realizing you probably shouldn't have taken a two-hour shower when you only had an hour to get ready?

Taking responsibility for your role in a tough situation can be uncomfortable, but it's often what keeps a bad situation from escalating, says Gottman.

He's found that for couples who divorce within the first several years of their marriage — one of the times when divorce rates are highest — "entering negativity is like stepping into a quicksand bog. It’s easy to enter but hard to exit."

4. Stonewalling

You know when an argument is about to start. You can feel your heart rate increase and your voice get just a tiny bit louder. But the moment things start to get heated, do you pull out your phone, walk away, or simply ignore your partner?

Blocking off conversation can be just as toxic for a relationship as contempt because it keeps you from addressing an underlying issue.

We know: Getting into arguments with your partner is the opposite of a good time. But these temporarily uncomfortable situations are oftentimes the place where you can start to come to big realizations about your own behavior and solve potentially damaging problems.

Don't panic

It's important to keep in mind that occasionally displaying any one of these behaviors — or all of them, even — is completely normal.

It's when these negative behaviors happen so frequently that they replace more positive interactions with your partner that can be cause for concern.

Simply recognizing that you're doing something that could be hurting your relationship is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll probably make the relationship even stronger.

UP NEXT: 6 strange things love does to your brain and body

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NOW WATCH: Research Reveals Why Men Cheat, And It's Not What You Think

Everyone has days when they crave complete solitude.

When your officemate has his headphones in, but you can still hear the heavy metal. When your roommate comes crashing into the apartment at 4 a.m. on a weeknight.

In these moments, it's tempting to think that you'd be so much happier and more productive if only you could take a break from other people and live life your own way.

Writer Chris Bailey, now 26, did just that two years ago, when he spent 10 days living and working in complete isolation in his girlfriend's dad's basement. And he hated it.

Bailey is the author of new book "The Productivity Project," which describes his year of experimentation with different productivity strategies, like meditating for 35 hours a week and working for 90 hours a week.

Living in isolation was one of the most difficult experiments, he says, but it did teach him one key lesson related to getting stuff done: People are the reason for productivity.

"Without people around me, my motivation to get work done plummeted," he writes. At the time, he was blogging and working on his book.

While living in the basement, Bailey writes that he became "overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who had helped him" get there.

That included his girlfriend and her dad, who gave him a home after he'd run out of funds to continue his project; the people who read his blog; and his friends and family, who provided a support network and imbued him with the confidence to pursue his passions.

Bailey writes: "I quickly realized that the people around me weren't just the reason my project existed — they were who my project existed for."

In an interview with Business Insider, Bailey said he "doesn't recommend living in isolation," even if it means that you'll come to the same profound realization he did.

Instead, you can take his word for it and start focusing on the benefits of your relationships both within and outside the workplace.

As evidence of the link between interpersonal relationships and productivity, Bailey cites research that found people are seven times as likely to be highly engaged at work when they have a best friend there.

In his book "The Best Place to Work," psychologist Ron Friedman explains why workplace friendships boost productivity: "When colleagues are close, a poor effort means more than a dissatisfied customer or an unhappy manager. It means letting down your friends."

Even thinking about the people you're making a positive impact on with your product or service could help. A now-well-known study co-authored by Wharton professor Adam Grant found that, after call center employees at a university met the scholarship students who had benefited from their fundraising efforts, they were significantly more productive.

As Bailey writes, "People are why we do what we do, and why we push ourselves to accomplish more."

SEE ALSO: A productivity expert says this 15-minute daily exercise can make you more successful

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People size you up in seconds, but what exactly are they evaluating?

Harvard Business School professor Amy Cuddy has been studying first impressions alongside fellow psychologists Susan Fiske and Peter Glick for more than 15 years, and has discovered patterns in these interactions.

In her new book, "Presence," Cuddy says people quickly answer two questions when they first meet you:

• Can I trust this person?
• Can I respect this person?

Psychologists refer to these dimensions as warmth and competence respectively, and ideally you want to be perceived as having both.

Interestingly, Cuddy says that most people, especially in a professional context, believe that competence is the more important factor. After all, they want to prove that they are smart and talented enough to handle your business.

But in fact warmth, or trustworthiness, is the most important factor in how people evaluate you. "From an evolutionary perspective," Cuddy says, "it is more crucial to our survival to know whether a person deserves our trust." It makes sense when you consider that in cavemen days it was more important to figure out if your fellow man was going to kill you and steal all your possessions than if he was competent enough to build a good fire.

While competence is highly valued, Cuddy says it is evaluated only after trust is established. And focusing too much on displaying your strength can backfire.

Cuddy says MBA interns are often so concerned about coming across as smart and competent that it can lead them to skip social events, not ask for help, and generally come off as unapproachable.

These overachievers are in for a rude awakening when they don't get the job offer because nobody got to know and trust them as people.

"If someone you're trying to influence doesn't trust you, you're not going to get very far; in fact, you might even elicit suspicion because you come across as manipulative," Cuddy says.

"A warm, trustworthy person who is also strong elicits admiration, but only after you've established trust does your strength become a gift rather than a threat."

SEE ALSO: A Harvard psychologist explains the key to spotting a liar

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NOW WATCH: What to do with your hands during a job interview

Every other week, rain or shine, the "kibbutz," which means "gathering," is on our calendars — consistency is key.

When my wife and I moved to New York City in 2001, recently graduated from college and newly wed, we were eager to find friends.

We knew nearly no one but were sure we’d soon find a fun-loving group like the 20- and 30-something New Yorkers who spontaneously dropped in on one another on TV shows like "Seinfeld" and "Friends."

We hatched a plan. After moving into our Midtown Manhattan apartment, we invited all the neighbors over for drinks by placing Kinko’s-printed quarter-sheets into everyone’s mailboxes. Then, we waited for our versions of Chandler, Kramer, and Elaine to show up. But they didn’t.

In fact, no one did. As the ice in the cooler melted and the guacamole browned, not a single person among 100 apartments stopped by. Not. One. Person.

Recalling that episode now, we sound embarrassingly naïve. We didn’t realize friendships in the real world worked nothing like the ones we had forged in our dormitories, let alone those we saw on television. Yet as it turns out, our desire to belong to a tight community was far from foolish.

Recent studies have shown a dearth of social interaction with people you care about and who care about you not only leads to loneliness, but is also linked to a range of harmful physical effects. In other words: A lack of close friendships may be hazardous to your health.

Dying for friends

A 2010 meta-analysis reviewed 148 studies involving over 300,000 participants concluded that having weak social ties was as harmful to health as being an alcoholic and twice as harmful as obesity. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, co-author of the analysis, told Reuters, "A lack of social relationships was equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day."

A more recent study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found a biological response to loneliness that triggers disease. According to the researchers, social isolation sets off a cellular chain reaction that increases inflammation and suppresses the body’s immune response.

Perhaps the most compelling evidence that friendships affect longevity comes from the ongoing Harvard Study of Adult Development. Since 1938, researchers have been following 724 men, tracking their physical health as well as social habits.

Robert Waldinger, the study’s current director, said in his recent TED Talk, "The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period." Socially disconnected people are, according to Waldinger, "less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner, and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely."

Lest we think having 500 Facebook friends might offer some protection, Waldinger warns, "It’s not just the number of friends you have … it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters."

So what makes for a quality friendship? William Rawlins, a professor of interpersonal communications at Ohio University who studies the way people interact over the course of their lives, told The Atlantic that satisfying friendships need three things: "Somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy."

Finding someone to talk to, depend on, and enjoy comes naturally when we’re young. In college, for example, we build strong bonds when nearly everyone around us is also searching for connection.

But as we grow into adulthood, the model for how to maintain our friendships isn’t clear. We graduate and go our separate ways, pursuing careers and starting lives miles apart from our best friends.

Suddenly work obligations and ambitions trump buddies and brewskis. It becomes impossible to be spontaneous without planning for weeks, if not months, in advance.

Once children enter the picture, exhilarating nights on the town become exhausted nights on the couch.

Friendships starve to death

Unfortunately, the less time we invest in people, the easier it is to make do without them, until one day it becomes too awkward to reconnect. "Since we haven’t spoken for so long," we think, "where would we even begin? If we were still close friends wouldn’t we have spoken more by now?"

This is how friendships die — they starve to death. But as the research reveals, by allowing those friendships to starve, we’re also malnourishing our bodies.

Case in point: Several months ago, I found myself in a funk. I now live in San Francisco, and whenever someone asked, "How are you?" my reply was the standard Silicon Valley yuppie salute: "Good! Super busy!" Yet this wasn’t exactly true. I wasn’t good.

To put things in perspective, I wasn’t bad, either. Things were fine. By all measures, more than fine — I had a healthy family, a growing business, and interesting clients to work with.

I’d recently published a book that became a Wall Street Journal best seller, and if my social media stats were to be believed, I had plenty of friends and followers. And yet, the funk.

I soon identified the problem: The more professional opportunities came my way, the more time I spent away from my real-life friends — the people I truly cared about. Maintaining friendships with people to talk to, depend on, and enjoy takes time.

As an undergraduate, I first heard the term "residual benefactor" in an economics class. A residual benefactor is the chump who gets whatever is left over when a company is liquidated — typically, not much. When we’re not careful, the people we care about often become residual benefactors: We leave them for last, giving them whatever bits of time are left over after we’ve attended to everything else.

The solution, the kibbutz

If the food of friendship is time together, how do we make the time to ensure we’re all fed?

My friends and I have recently come across a way to keep each other close.

It fits into our lifestyles despite busy schedules and a surfeit of children. We call it the "kibbutz."

In Hebrew, the word means "gathering," and for our gathering, four couples meet every two weeks to talk about one question — sort of like an interactive TED Talk over a picnic lunch.

The question might range from a deep inquiry, like "What’s one thing your parents taught you that you want to pass on to your children?" to a lighter, more practical question, like "How do you disconnect from your iPhone on weekends?"

Having a topic helps in two ways. For one, it gets us past the small talk of sports and weather, and helps us open up about stuff that actually matters.

Second, it prevents the gender split that happens when couples convene in groups — men in one corner, women in another. The question of the day gets us all talking together.

Consistency and stiff-arming the kids

Every other week, rain or shine, the kibbutz is on our calendars — consistency is key.

There’s no back-and-forth emailing to find a time. We always meet at the same place, and each couple brings their own food so there’s no prep or cleanup.

If one couple can’t make it, no biggie, the others carry on the conversation.

What about the kids? In our group, kids are welcome, but they don’t run the show.

Typically they play on their own, but if they interject, they’re given a stern response that sounds something like: "I’m having a conversation with my friends because my friends are important to me. You’re welcome to listen or join the conversation, but please don’t interrupt unless it’s an emergency."

For our children’s sake, we want them to know that adult friendships matter. We don’t want them to have to rely on TV to figure out how adults interact.

By watching us, our children see that being a good friend means listening when others have something to share, and not being distracted by anything else — including our cellphones, the football game, or even our own children (unless someone is bleeding).

The entire affair lasts about two hours, and I always leave the kibbutz with new ideas and insights. Most important, I feel closer to my friends. No, our group isn’t as funny or spontaneous as the pseudo-New Yorkers I grew up watching on TV.

But it turns out that fun wasn’t what I was missing — it was authentic, caring friendships. Making time to invest in my most important relationships finally snapped me out of my funk and provided the psychological nourishment I didn’t know I was missing.

Not only that, it turns out the time I spend with my friends is also an investment in my future health. Forget diets and the latest workout routines. The best medicine may be to gather your favorite people around a table and make a toast: "To friendship, and your health."

Here’s the gist:

Studies show adult friendships have a significant impact on our happiness and well-being.

Committing to my "kibbutz" has had the biggest impact on my happiness over the past year. Here’s how our group works, but the lessons can apply to any adult friendship:

• Book the time – Reserve time on your calendar for the foreseeable future so there’s no guesswork or scheduling headaches about when you’ll see each other again. Our group meets every two weeks.
• Go deep – Talking about a meaningful topic strengthens your bonds. Get past the shallow small talk. In our group, a different member brings the question of the day to each meeting.
• Don’t let kids derail you – Children benefit from seeing you model a healthy adult friendship. Tell the kids they can listen or participate, but they can’t interrupt unless it’s an emergency.

For more insights on using psychology to change behavior, join Nir Eyal's free newsletter.

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New research has provided more evidence that relationships affect health (read our previous posts on this subject here).¹

The researchers examined data from four large-scale studies that collectively followed thousands of Americans over time.

One of the studies followed adolescents, another followed young-to-mid-adults (aged 25-64), and the last two followed older adults (aged 50+), resulting in more than 14,000 participants across the lifespan.

Each study measured various aspects of individuals’ social relationships, such as social support (e.g., reliability of family members), social integration (e.g., frequency of contact with other people), and social strain (e.g., frequency of criticism from friends).

Each study also included health outcome measures such as blood pressure, waist circumference, and body mass. These outcomes are associated with how the body responds to stress and are predictive of disease and mortality.

Overall, the researchers found that the more socially integrated people were (i.e., the more they socialized with others and different kinds of others) and the better quality their relationships (i.e., with lots of social support and little social strain), the better their health throughout the lifespan.

Here are five highlights:

1. People (including adolescents!) had lower blood pressure when they spent more (vs. less) time with other people (i.e., were more socially integrated).
2. Adolescents were less likely to be obese when they spent more (vs. less) time with other people (i.e., were more socially integrated).
3. Adults were less likely to be obese when they had more (vs. less) social support.
4. Alternatively, adults were more likely to be obese when they had more (vs. less) social strain. These obesity findings held even when the researchers took into account whether or not people smoked, exercised, drank alcohol, had diabetes, were stressed, and took certain medications.
5. Older adults were more likely to develop hypertension (high blood pressure) if they spent less time with other people (i.e., were less socially integrated). AND, the link between hypertension and (lack of) social integration was STRONGER than the link between hypertension and diabetes (a known risk factor for hypertension).

This study is the first to examine the associations between relationships and health in a very large number of people over the lifespan. It demonstrates that relationships affect our physiology (e.g., our blood pressure) and that helps explain why relationships are associated with illness and mortality. So people who have a supportive social network and socialize more (in positive ways) tend to have better health, and thus, a lower disease rate. Alternatively, people who do not have a supportive social network, are lonely, and don’t go out tend to have worse health, and thus, have a higher disease rate. Together, this research shows that our relationships can affect our health a great deal and should be taken seriously.

If you’re feeling lonely, volunteering is a good way to meet friends. You’ll feel good because you’re contributing to a cause you value, you’ll meet others who share your interests, and there’s a chance that you’ll positively affect your health!

¹Yang, C. Y., Boen, C., Gerken, K., Li, T., Schorpp, K., & Mullan Harris, K. (2016). Social relationships and physiological determinants of longevity across the human life span. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, DOI: 10.1073/pnas.1511085112

SEE ALSO: Psychologists say one behavior is the 'kiss of death' for a relationship

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Before tying the knot in 2008, my wife, Kim, and I never discussed money.

It wasn't an intentional choice to be secretive — we just never prioritized sharing details about our income, spending habits, or debt when we were dating.

But I had financial skeletons in my closet.

With $18,000 in student loans and another $18,000 from an auto loan, I brought a significant amount of debt into our marriage.

I guess I didn't worry about fessing up to Kim because I wasn't too concerned myself. I figured, with a little discipline, I'd get around to paying it off at some point.

What did alarm me, however, was an incident that happened shortly after our wedding.

In the course of one month, Kim charged $600 of new clothing and designer handbags to our joint credit card — a fact I discovered while looking over the statement one day.

I was truly shocked, and it got me thinking: Did we have a spending problem?

What I realized, after taking a closer look at our finances, is that it wasn't just Kim who was threatening our financial well-being. In just a few months' time, we'd run up a $7,000 balance on our credit cards, thanks to a combination of Kim's shopping, my overspending on everyday expenses, and our $1,400 honeymoon cruise.

When I combined that balance with my own debt and Kim's outstanding $9,000 in student loans, I realized we were on the hook for $52,000 — plus another $350,000 for our mortgage.

RELATED: How I Paid $100,000 Off My Mortgage in Under 2 Years

At the time, Kim was just kicking off her career as a high school teacher, and I was selling flooring. Our combined annual income landed at just around $70,000 — and we had no savings to speak of.

Seeing the numbers in black and white was anxiety-inducing, to say the least. How had we mismanaged our money so badly? And, more important, what did this mean for our future?

Prior to tallying up our debt, we'd talked about traveling internationally, starting a family and, some day, retiring comfortably. There was so much we wanted out of life, but basic math showed us we'd never manage to make progress on our goals while carrying this $52,000 weight.

I knew it was time to get real — and Kim agreed. So we started hashing out a plan that would put us on the path to financial freedom.

Trimming, selling, and communicating — our debt-repayment plan of attack

Whether it's money, business, or any other area of expertise, I've always been a big believer in drawing upon others' success.

So I set out to find inspiration from people who knew a thing or two about money management, devouring personal finance blogs and books for strategies on getting out of debt. We also enrolled in a 13-week personal finance class through our church, which focused on how to better manage money as a couple.

RELATED: 5 Motivating Money Books You Can't Afford Not to Download in 2015

The flood of new information gave way to some powerful changes.

The first thing we did was write down all of our assets, debts, income and expenses on one sheet of paper to see the big picture — and immediately realized we needed to slash our expenses.

Next, I painstakingly reviewed every line item in our budget, and found a lot of opportunities to save. I negotiated our Internet bill to under $20, and canceled our cable package, freeing up another $70 a month. We also scaled back restaurant visits to just a few times a month, and started clipping coupons.

Believe it or not, these measures put an extra $400 to $500 in our pockets each month that we could throw toward debt repayment.

And we didn't stop there. We also took steps to bring more money in.

I started with my brand-new Nissan Altima, which I sold for $16,000, and replaced with a 12-year-old used car for $2,500. Sure, the passenger-side door didn't open from the outside, but I was bettering our financial picture — and that made it worth it.

Selling large household odds and ends online — like our Nintendo Wii and a few of Kim's designer purses — also became part of our routine. And Kim completed some professional development coursework that resulted in a $1,500 raise.

Any time extra money fell in our lap — whether through a pay boost, a hefty tax return, or an item sold online — we automatically earmarked it for debt repayment. Once the momentum was in full swing, we were putting anywhere from $1,000 to $5,000 a month toward our debt.

To stay on track, Kim and I had weekly money talks to review a comprehensive spreadsheet we'd made detailing our finances from month to month. Clicking from one tab to the next, we could literally see our debt gradually shrinking — which served as a powerful visual reminder of our progress.

These weekly money dates also allowed us to hash out problems — like disagreements over how much to spend on entertainment — and encouraged us when we were feeling down.

I remember a few months when we didn't make as much progress because I hadn't earned as much commission from work. But talking through such issues reenergized us to keep going, making our relationship even stronger.

Finally, after 18 months, we crossed over the finish line — and became debt-free.

RELATED: Real People Dish: The #1 Thing That Inspired Me to Get Out of Debt

The debt-free life: 5 years and counting

About four and a half years have passed since Kim and I began the new, financially-free chapter of our lives.

After climbing out of the hole, we prioritized building up our emergency fund to $15,000, which was about five months' worth of expenses — and started saving for a big international trip we'd dreamed about.

After socking away $300 a month for two years, we finally embarked on a two-week trip to Singapore, Hong Kong, and Indonesia. The best part: The vacation was 100% paid in cash.

As simple as it sounds, that's probably the biggest lesson I learned from our financial journey: You can't spend more than you make. It's an obvious rule of thumb, but it was something Kim and I needed to learn the hard way.

Speaking of income, a happy result of our experience is that I'm now generating two to three times more money than I was when we were swallowed in debt … as a financial planner.

It feels great to come full-circle, using my skills and passions in a way that generates income — and helps both us and others work toward financial security.

Today, Kim and I have about $20,000 set aside for retirement, on top of our $15,000 emergency fund. We also have another $5,000 designated for travel and gifts, so we aren't blindsided by baby showers and birthdays.

What's more, after significantly paying down the mortgage on our condo, we sold it toward the end of 2014. Between our equity and an extra $8,000 we'd saved on our own, we were able to put a 20% down payment on a larger home.

And we're going to need that extra space — our first child is due at the end of this month.

Prepping for parenthood got me thinking about what it really means to be a good example. My parents, who are divorced, both individually filed for bankruptcy — so you could say I didn't have the strongest money role models. But when it comes to raising my own children, teaching better money habits is a priority.

And knowing that I took control of my own finances, broke the debt cycle, and forged a new path for my family empowers me to do so.

RELATED: How a Simple White Envelope Resurrected My Finances

LearnVest Planning Services is a registered investment adviser and subsidiary of LearnVest, Inc., that provides financial plans for its clients. Information shown is for illustrative purposes only and is not intended as investment, legal or tax planning advice. Please consult a financial adviser, attorney or tax specialist for advice specific to your financial situation. Unless specifically identified as such, the individuals interviewed or quoted in this piece are neither clients, employees nor affiliates of LearnVest Planning Services, and the views expressed are their own. LearnVest Planning Services and any third parties listed, linked to or otherwise appearing in this message are separate and unaffiliated and are not responsible for each other's products, services or policies.

SEE ALSO: How Simply Tracking Their Spending Helped This Couple Dig Out Of Debt And Buy A Home

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Thanks to dating apps, we carry a 24-7 singles bar in our pocket.

There's an endless supply of people we could see, so it's easy to keep swiping after one "meh" date.

But according to Aziz Ansari, we're less likely to find a match this way.

As he details in his book "Modern Romance," it takes at least four dates to find out if you connect.

Someone's deeper quirks and qualities rarely show up before the fourth date, he says. To begin to get to know someone, it takes longer than just one meeting — which Ansari can attest to both from his research and personal experience.

For the book, he worked with sociologist Eric Klinenberg to explore how we date in the digital age. After talking with hundreds of single people worldwide, they found the nature of finding love has changed dramatically, fueled partly by online dating.

In many of their focus groups, they discovered people go on a lot of first dates but not as many third dates. People said they wanted someone to instantly sweep them off their feet, but it just wasn't happening. 

Ansari noticed the same dating strategy in his own life. Normally, if the date felt average, he wouldn't have asked the girl on a second date. He would've moved onto the next and texted other options, in search of the elusive stellar first date.

As an experiment, he went on four dates with the same woman, rather than four first dates with different people. By the time he had date number four, he discovered he felt more attracted to her, once he invested in getting to know her as a person.

"What I found is that a first date that was a six was usually an eight on the second date," Ansari writes. "I discovered things about them that weren't initially apparent. We'd develop more inside jokes and just generally get along better, because we were familiar."

Casually dating many people had rarely led to this kind of discovery, he adds. At first, people are attracted to their dates' looks and characteristics they can quickly see. But it's their dates' more unique traits and interests that make people fall in love.

And those only come out after sustained interactions.

You might discover that you both love Doctor Who or rock climbing, but it’ll take something like four dates to figure that out.

"A person may seem just okay, but if you really invest time in the relationship, maybe they’ll be greater than you assume," Ansari writes.

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Candy hearts and boxes of chocolate line the shelves of stores, just waiting to be purchased by smitten lovebirds.

But if that doesn't describe you, or at least not yet, don't fret!

In the interest of bolstering your love life, here are some science-backed ways to fall and stay in love:

SEE ALSO: 6 strange things love does to your brain and body

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For a first date, get coffee, not ice cream.

Yale psychologist John Bargh has conducted a couple of studies that reveal an underlying connection between body temperature and personality.

He found that when we feel warm physically, we also tend to behave more warmly toward others. Therefore, if you want your first date to go smoothly, seek out warm places and foods — they might just help to heat things up later on.

Another first date tip: Be positive.

Contrary to popular belief, men aren't just interested in how you look. That's what a large 2010 study revealed after grouping over 2,100 male university students into three categories. The first group were given photos of women and asked to rate whether they found the women attractive, or not.

Two other groups were provided the photos along with information about the women's personalities — one group had mostly positive personality traits and the other mostly negative. The researchers discovered that the group with mostly positive personality traits found a wider variety of women attractive overall than the other two groups. So, when you're on that first date, just remember to be positive!

Listen up.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but it's actually super critical for all parts of a relationship — at the beginning and when that honeymoon period ends and the inevitable conflicts arise.

A 2010 study of 373 couples from the University of Michigan found that those who were able to discuss issues calmly and listen to their partner when having an argument were less likely to separate later on than couples who didn't do this.

Business Insider also chatted with psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, who said that listening is key to falling in love because we have a need to be heard.

The first two years of a relationship are usually considered to be the most exciting. After that, according to psychotherapist and author M. Gary Neuman, couples have to work to maintain that initial level of intimacy and excitement.

Neuman conducted a research experiment with 400 women who were either happily or unhappily married to find out how much sex happy couples should have every month.

Business Insider readers will get a 20% discount on Neuman's products for a limited time by using the promo code "businessinsider." Click here to visit his website.

Produced by Graham Flanagan

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Last week I spoke with Peter Pearson, a relationship psychologist and the cofounder of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. 

It's his job to talk with the distressed husbands and wives about what's going on in their relationships. 

So it makes sense that he has some insight for people seeking the right relationship, too. 

Namely, this gem of wisdom.

"I think it's for people to date as much as they can manage or tolerate, because that experience helps you get clearer on what you're attracted to and what you're not attracted to," he said.

That one sentence totally reframes the single experience for me.  

With this perspective, dating is a way of doing first-hand research on what you're actually looking for in a partner. 

(Turns out that it might be more than just being totally hot).

And like a good researcher, you should be trying to find as much data as possible.

So all those awkward Tinder first dates, all the sputtering attempts at trying to start a conversation at a bar, the painful breakups, the unforgivably millennial act of "ghosting" on somebody — you can think of all that as your research methodology for understanding what you're looking for in a partner, and how you yourself function (or dysfunction) in a relationship. 

Takes a lot of the pressure off. 

Or maybe that's just male privilege talking.

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I love watching someone's ego get in the way of common sense during an argument. And by love, I mean I love to laugh hysterically at it.

Some people can get so self absorbed, they don't realize they're in way too deep in an argument that has no end in sight. So because someone would rather yell back and forth until they're blue in the face, they lose the opportunity to walk away with grace and class.

We've all been in this situation ourselves or witnessed it happening.

But walking away is not giving up or giving in — it's about ending an argument on your terms. When you're disagreeing with someone and you see that you're in an unwinnable spot, the key is to walk away before you end up in a scenario where it's nothing but irrational views 24/7.

So how to know when to walk away and when to fight the good fight? Check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for how walking away from an argument:

1. Know your opponent

Okay, so maybe the person you're arguing with is not really an "opponent" in the fighting sense. However, sometimes you'll encounter people with viewpoints you consider so off base, that you start to shout expletives like an NFL coach disputing a referee.

Sadly, there is no yellow flag that you could toss into an argument from the sidelines. You need to do that yourself. To throw the metaphorical yellow flag, you have to look at the person across from you and figure out what type of person they really are. After you figure that out, you'll now know how deep you can go and when to walk away.

One way to understand your opponent in an argument is to listen to how fast they lose their temper. When you're arguing with a rather sane person, the argument is more of a discussion, or a healthy debate. But when you're arguing with an irrational lunatic, an argument can quickly become a fight, and you never want that happen. So knowing how quickly your opponent can get off balance is a good gauge as to when you should walk away.

If your opponent gets heated after your first rebuttal, be prepared to pack your bags soon. How soon? Well, that depends on the type of conversation. But in any argument, the key is to make your point and leave with your pride and reputation intact. If the other person is willing to get nasty early on, this is your cue to drop your sword, smile, and simply walk away.

2. Your comfort zone

In some professions, arguing is as much a part of the job as having to wear a suit and tie. But unless you're a lawyer or prizefighter, arguments aren't part of your work life. I'd guess that for the majority of us (myself included) arguing is a hassle, it's annoying, and highly unmannerly.

When you raise your voice, you lose control. Whether right or wrong, you're giving away a piece of your own power, your leverage, to hold your rising tone. We all do this though. We can't help it. But it's how you harness that energy that separates mature adults from hair-trigger teenagers.

As I said in Tip #1, some people lose their temper quicker than others, because that's all they know. They use their tone and body language to push people around, and don't care about hearing anyone else's story, regardless of how wrong they are.

I can't stand these people!

Personally it makes me uncomfortable to be around them, and I refuse to engage in an argument with this type of person. It's just outside my comfort level. This is why I try to avoid loud arguments at all costs.

Please understand that this does not make me a pushover. Being mannerly doesn't mean being a wimp — it's about being respectful of those around you and of yourself. So when I'm in a situation where I feel a nasty argument coming on, I ask myself "How deep am I willing to take this?" and "How much aggression am I comfortable with?"

Answers to these questons will help you determine your comfort zone. If you know that anything past that point may take you into an unsafe area, where you might say something you will regret later, you will see it coming and walk away.

You are not admitting defeat, you're simply keeping a promise to yourself that you won't fall into someone else's anger trap.

3. Drop the mic

As a fan of stand-up comedy, I love watching how comedians end their sets. The really good ones end with a killer joke that makes everyone stand up and beg for more. Maybe the comedian comes back out to say thanks and wave, but that's it. A good comedian ends with homerun, then "drops the mic" and it's curtains. That's how you make a statement — that's how you say, "It's a wrap!"

Comedians use their wit and quick thinking to shock their audience. That's a great skill to have in an argument. Of course, if you've ever tried stand-up comedy, you know it's not nearly as easy as they make it appear.

You can use the "drop the mic" technique to walk away with your head held high from any argument. Say you're in a heated discussion with someone and you can see it going to the dark side. Instead of engaging any further, simply make your point, make it intelligently, don't leave any questions on the table, drop the mic, and walk away. If your opponent yells at you to come back to finish the argument — well, who looks silly now? Not you.

By dropping the mic, you leave the stage in control; you have the last word. When you walk away, it's on your terms. Who can argue with that?

SEE ALSO: Science says these 9 tactics will help you win any argument

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How much do you know about your love life? We won't pry, but we will give you some statistics about how and when couples typically have the best sex.

Happify, a website and app that uses science-based interactive activities aimed at making you happier, created this graphic to keep you in the know about sex and happiness. Without further ado, here were their best recommendations and fun facts about the intimate act: (Mobile users, if you're having trouble the infographic click here!)

SEE ALSO: Science says couples in lasting relationships typically wait this long to start having sex

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A new dating app wants to use Watson's artificial intelligence to improve your dating experience.

Called Connectidy, the app aims to help users figure out what they are looking for in a partner and how to best communicate with them. Those who download the app can choose to have it filter through any or all of your social media accounts — LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Gmail — to create a personality profile.

Dineen Tallering, co-founder and president of Connectidy, told Tech Insider that the app doesn't store data, but analyzes the text to give you your Big Five personality traits. A result will look something like this:

The Big Five is one of the most common, preferred ways psychologists use to measure personality. The test measures where you fit in the spectrum of these five qualities: extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness to experience.

The personality assessment helps users create an accurate profile, while also helping them understand their own personality so they can find someone who best compliments those traits.

"It's a very detailed personality assessment of who you are," Tallering said. "We've basically given you your profile, so we've eliminated that awkward existence for people."

It actually seems like the best component of the app in that it asks users to reflect on who they are before searching for the right person in the online dating abyss. Although the success of the app will hinge on how well Watson analyzes your personality compared to when you manually take the Big Five test online.

It's also possible to manually enter profile information about yourself, so it's not all up to AI to represent who you are.

The other component of Connectidy, called Tone Analyzer, has an interesting premise. Let's say you match with someone and decide to finally draft that message to break the ice, the Tony Analyzer (which is still in beta form) will look at your sentence and explain the tones that are present.

The Tone Analyzer will look for the tones fear, joy, confidence, or openness, and based on which tone is most dominant, the app will give feedback on if there is a better way to craft that sentence. That feedback is tailored based on the user's personality  — for example, someone who is more extroverted will be recommended a different communication approach than someone who is more introverted.

"Let's say you write 'I'd love to get with you some time soon,' maybe 'get with you' comes off too aggressive or easy," Tallering said. "Tone Analyzer will help coach you and understand what's going on in that sentence in real time."

Tone Analyzer seems like an interesting component for people who struggle with texting. But it also could have the opposite effect of stripping the personality out of your messages. After all, how you write says a lot about you, and constantly tailoring it to match what Watson thinks is best could give an inaccurate impression as to who you are.

Still, it's refreshing to see a dating app that focuses more on who you are rather than what you look like. And that emphasis on personality is meant to provide better matches.

Connectdity will launch within the next eight weeks in the Tri-State area, Tallering said. The first 20,000 to sign up will get a year-long subscription completely free, and matches will begin once the app gets that many people to sign up.

Those who don't grab that free trial period will have to pay a subscription. Tallering declined to give an estimate for the subscription, but said it would be in-line with its competitors.

"We want to target the people who want meaningful relationships," Tallering said. "The segments of the population interested in serial dating or hooking up, there's plenty of places they can go for that."

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Dale Carnegie said it in 1936, in his bestselling business book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People": The trick to making people like you is simply to listen to them.

When you encourage your conversation partner to talk about themselves, Carnegie wrote, they wind up feeling more fondly toward you than they would if you'd dominated the interaction.

Nearly a century later, in an age where seemingly everyone has a digital platform for publicly broadcasting the contents of their breakfast, this idea is as relevant as ever — and people are still having trouble with it.

That's according to Dave Kerpen, founder and CEO of Likeable Local, a social media software company. Kerpen is also the author of "The Art of People," in which he offers tips and strategies for influencing people and forging positive relationships.

A common theme throughout the book is that, if you want to succeed in business and in life, you should focus less on yourself and more on other people. In other words: Be interested instead of interesting; listen actively instead of thinking about what you want to say next; and validate other people's thoughts and emotions after they've spoken.

"Listening is the single most important and underrated skill in business, in social media, and in life," Kerpen told Business Insider. "It's something we can always improve upon."

Of course, it's not as easy as it sounds.

"It's very hard," Kerpen said, "because when we have ideas that we want to communicate, our natural inclination is to talk about those ideas and to share those things."

But the less we talk, the easier it is to persuade other people to like those ideas and to like us.

Kerpen gave an example from his experience at Likeable Local. His chief technology officer, Hugh, is such a great listener that during meetings, "you sometimes don't even realize he's there because he's so quiet and he's always the last to talk."

When the team goes around the room and it's Hugh's turn to speak, he's usually silent for the first few seconds as he formulates an opinion. While everyone else was speaking, he was actively listening, instead of thinking about what he wanted to say in response.

"When he finally does speak, he'll be able to say something that synthesizes everything and makes his point in a powerful way," Kerpen said."There's a competitive advantage to being the last to speak."

He offers another example in his book. Once, on a cross-country flight, he sat next to a lawyer and spent much of the flight asking the lawyer questions about his life, work, and family.

A year-and-a-half later, the lawyer became an investor in one of Kerpen's companies, thanks to the connection they made — due at least in part to the fact that Kerpen let him talk about himself.

"Remember that people care more about themselves than they care about you," Kerpen writes. "People want to talk about themselves. Listening and letting people talk is key to winning them over in life, in business, and in all human relationships." 

SEE ALSO: This behavior could be the No. 1 secret to likability

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If you're outgoing and energized by being around other people, chances are, you're an extrovert.

While most people fall somewhere in the middle between introverted and extroverted, somewhere between a third and half of all people veer toward the latter.

Happify, a website and app that uses science-based interactive activities aimed at making you happier, created this graphic to help extroverts be their best selves both at work and at home. It also includes some tips for spending time with people who have different personalities from their own, like introverts.

Take a look:

CHECK OUT: The majority of people are neither introverts nor extroverts, but 'ambiverts'

SEE ALSO: A Stanford psychologist says these 6 things are the keys to happiness and success

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Dates in the future may not happen in coffee shops — instead, you might just sit in your living room with a virtual reality headset, according to a report from Imperial College London and eHarmony.

The report predicts how relationships will change over the next 25 years using eHarmony's user data; historical accounts; and interviews with anthropology, technology, and biomedicine experts.

Here's how dating and relationships could look by 2040:

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Networking can be awkward.

Of course, you're hoping that your relationships with the people you meet will bolster your career — but you don't want to put them off by soliciting their help right off the bat.

In fact, says Dave Kerpen, you probably shouldn't ask for favors right away.

Kerpen is the founder and CEO of Likeable Local, a social media software company, and the author of new book "The Art of People."

In the book, he explains that the first time you meet a prospective client, colleague, or friend, you should not ask: "How can you help me?"

Instead, the best question to ask when you meet an influential person is: "How can I help you?"

Kerpen writes that offering your help can have one of two results.

Either the person will tell you how you can help them, "after which he will feel indebted to you, connected to you, and appreciative of you and eventually feel compelled to return the favor and help you one day."

Or "the person will decline politely, probably because she doesn't know how you can help her, but will feel that you care and feel connected to you and be much more emotionally invested in helping you eventually."

Indeed, Kerpen tells Business Insider that people only take him up on his offer to help them about 10% of the time, but he believes it still deepens their connection.

Regardless of whether you expect the person to accept your offer, Kerpen says it has to be genuine — you really need to be in a position to assist the person. And you might want to follow the question with some specific suggestions as to how you can help. For example, maybe you can introduce that person to someone else influential in your network.

Then, the next time you speak with the person, you can request their help and they'll probably be happy to give it.

To explain why this strategy works, Kerpen cites the work of Wharton psychologist Adam Grant, who has found that most people are "matchers." In other words, when you do something (or offer to do something) for someone, they feel more inclined to help you in return.

In the book, Kerpen describes an interaction in which someone surprised him by asking how they could help: Michael, a financial adviser, once asked Kerpen if he could meet with him for 15 minutes because he had just one question he wanted to ask. After a few minutes of introducing himself and his business, Michael asked: "How can I help you?"

These were the early days of Likeable Local, and Kerpen told Michael he could benefit from some introductions to technology investors. Sure enough, Michael followed through by making those introductions.

Soon after that meeting, Kerpen realized he did need a financial advisor, and he started working with Michael.

"He just was insistent upon only being there to help me at first," Kerpen says, "and that's what was so compelling."

The only downside to asking how you can help? "People don't even believe it," Kerpen says.

Once they realize you're serious, however, they'll likely feel warmer toward you and more open to helping you in any way they can.

SEE ALSO: A CEO says this is the single most important and underrated skill in business — and in life

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