What do the majority of today’s American college students have in common with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake?

Hint: The answer is found in the title of the 2011 rom-com Mila and Justin starred in...that’s right ... Friends with Benefits.

Several studies show that Friends with Benefits Relationships (FWBRs) are quite common among college-age students.^1,2,3

But, despite their apparent commonality, modern media tells us that FWBRs are destined to fail, either because partners become hurt by the lack of exclusivity and love in their relationship, or because partners fall in love despite their original intentions (a la Mila and Justin).

But are such outcomes true in the real world? Can’t people actually enjoy the benefits of a FWBR? The answer—like most questions in relationships research—is that it depends.

A FWBR is a relationship in which two individuals who share a friendship also have sex, but do not explicitly express romantic feelings.

However, the exact meaning of this FWBR label can vary across relationships, ranging from a completely monogamous relationship between two close friends to a non-monogamous relationship between two casual acquaintances, and anywhere in between.

This ambiguity can be either a major benefit or a major bummer for someone in a FWBR, depending on how they feel about labels and boundaries in a sexual relationship.² Partners in a FWBR are much less likely to communicate with each other about their relationship and their sexual needs than are partners in a committed romantic relationship, which makes defining the rules and boundaries of the relationship difficult.¹ Whether or not this ambiguity can benefit partners depends on their respective intentions when initiating the relationship.

Partners’ initial motivations for having a FWBR are some of the most important factors in determining whether or not partners will, in fact, benefit from the relationship. In one recent study, for example, both women and men who were motivated to initiate a FWBR reported more sexual satisfaction when they were motivated by “simplicity” (i.e., desire for a purely sexual relationship) than when they were motivated by “future commitment” (i.e., desire for the relationship to eventually become exclusive and romantic).³ These findings indicate that people who expected sex were very happy to get it, and that people who expected more from the relationship were often disappointed.

Don’t be too disheartened, though; as it turns out, sex is the most common reason that people report initiating a FWBR.¹ In fact, FWBR partners report higher levels of communication about condom use and sex outside of the relationship than committed romantic partners. These findings suggest that a FWBR can be a safer and healthier alternative to hooking up with strangers, because the trust and honesty of a friendship are built into the sexual relationship.

This is all fine and dandy when both partners share the same expectations for casual sex, but problems exist when partners’ expectations differ. These differences are not surprising given the ambiguity of FWBRs. Although people who enter FWBRs looking for sex are more satisfied overall, the unfortunate reality is that a lot of people enter these relationships looking for something more, which can have important implications for their satisfaction. For instance, some studies show that women are less satisfied overall in FWBRs.³ Are all women in FWBRs destined for doom? Not necessarily. When women’s goals for a FWBR involve a desire for sex without romance, women show higher levels of sexual satisfaction. Thus, it’s clear that being disappointed is more about expectations and less about gender.³ Nor does it mean that women shouldn’t have FWBRs.

When assessing the benefits of a Friends with Benefits Relationship, it is important to consider the unique needs and motivations of each partner. No two people are alike, and no one relationship is the “best” for everyone. As shown by these studies, the strongest indicator of satisfaction in FWBRs is having realistic expectations at the start of the relationship. As such, Mila and Justin should not be the standard for what a FWBR can and should be. This is why it is important for people to understand and accept what they actually want and need in a relationship, whether it is a FWBR or a committed romantic relationship.

¹Lehmiller, J. J., Vanderdrift, L. E., & Kelly, J. R. (2014). Sexual communication, satisfaction, and condom use behavior in friends with benefits and romantic partners. Journal of Sex Research, 51(1), 74-85.

² Quirk, K., Owen, J., & Fincham, F. (2014). Perceptions of partner’s deception in friends with benefits relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(1), 43-57. 

³Williams, J. C., & Jovanovic, J. (2015). Third wave feminism and emerging adult sexuality: Friends with benefits relationships. Sexuality & Culture: An Interdisciplinary Quarterly, 19(1), 157-171. 

SEE ALSO: These are the questions one writer says can make you fall in love with a stranger

MORE: Science says these 5 things happen to couples who have been together a long time

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NOW WATCH: 4 characteristics of a doomed relationship

Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of "Anatomy of Love," says heartbreak has physiological effects on our minds and bodies. There's a scientific reason it hurts so much.

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Comedian Aziz Ansari teamed up with sociologist and author Eric Klinenberg to write "Modern Romance," an in-depth investigation into the reality of what it's like to date and look for love in the digital era.

Klinenberg explained to us that having too many dating apps could prevent you from ever finding a serious relationship. 

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When I began my Rich Habits Study, I wanted to know the answer to one question: Why are some people rich and other people poor?

Five years and over 350 interviews later, I finished my research.

One of the most valuable things I learned is that there are only two ways to become rich:

1. Live below your means (spend less than you earn).
2. Expand your means (earn more than you spend).

For the vast majority who are unwilling to take the risks associated with expanding your means, you are left with the only other remaining option — live below your means. I won’t bore you with what that means, as you no doubt get the concept.

But I thought I’d highlight one of the Poverty Habits I uncovered in my study that derail most in the United States. Some call it keeping up with the Joneses. I like to call it poverty by association.

And here lies the most important advice I can give you about money: You have to avoid poverty by association.

We pick up most of our habits from the influencers in our environment: parents, teachers, family, friends, work colleagues, neighbors, mentors, celebrities, and coaches. What I uncovered in my research was that most of us were never taught the habit of living below your means. It seems very few like to talk about money.

As a result, it is very likely that most of the individuals you associate with on a regular basis are as deficient as you are in managing their money. They very likely have bad spending and savings habits that are dragging you down with them. A night out on the town with a friend can become an unexpected $300 whirlwind, and vacations can turn into investments.

Think long and hard about the effect your friends, and those you associate with on a daily basis, are having on your spending and savings habits. If you hang out with spendthrifts, there’s a good chance you could become one yourself.

One of the hallmarks of the self-made millionaires in my study was the conscious effort they made to associate with like-minded individuals. If a close relationship was a spendthrift, they limited how much time they spent with those individuals.

If you want to adopt good money habits, you need to associate with individuals who possess those habits, and you need to disassociate yourself from those who do not. If all of the close associations you make in life share your desire to live below your means, it is highly probable that their good money habits will become your good money habits.

SEE ALSO: I spent 5 years studying rich people, and here are the 9 best pieces of advice I can give you about money

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NOW WATCH: The 'Zulu Cobra' helicopter is one of the Marines' most powerful weapons

Being unfaithful to a significant other can understandably bring an emotional burden to your relationship. But your relationship may be salvageable with these tips from M. Gary Neuman, who developed the "Creating Your Best Marriage" video program. 

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Project Aristotle is a recent Google study that was undertaken to understand why certain teams in their workplace thrived while others seemed to struggle.

After studying hundreds of Google's teams and analyzing years of data, the researchers behind Project Aristotle discovered that "psychological safety" is the secret to building and maintaining successful teams.

Amy Edmondson, a Harvard Business School Professor, describes psychological safety in her definitive 1999 study as "... a team climate characterized by interpersonal trust and mutual respect in which people are comfortable being themselves."

The Google study solidifies what we already know: that people need a sense of security to do well at work. Honesty, transparency and an overall atmosphere of mutual respect are imperative when building a psychological safety net for your team.

But first, you must earn — and keep — their trust.

Building trust will allow you to develop meaningful relationships and cultivate an unspoken mutual understanding; that your team can count on you to do what you say and say what you mean. In turn, they will do the same for you. This sense of security, precipitated by you, means that your employees' self-esteem is upheld. A safe haven of trust allows them to speak freely and think more creatively, without feeling rejected or embarrassed.

You have the ability to make a significant impact if you engender the trust of your employees. Make it a priority to inject some positivity into each workday. Be aware that your words have the power to sway the opinions and actions of others. If you treat your team members with respect and understanding, interpersonal trust and a sense of security will follow.

Here are some phrases that will instill trust and confidence within your team:

1. "What can I do to help?"

When you are truly committed to helping others, it creates a ripple effect. Your team will have more passion to work with you and for you if they believe you have their back. Simply saying, "I know that this project is important to you. How can I help?" can move mountains. Be sure to follow through on your promise to assist.

2. "I trust your decision."

If your employees feel you trust them to do the right thing, it will boost morale and productivity. Remember, to be trusted, first you must trust.

3. "What can I do differently?"

Serve those you're leading, not the other way around. Let people know that their opinions count. Part of your job as a leader is to remove the barriers to success by observing what might be standing in the way of your employees achieving their goals. Determine how you can facilitate their progress without eliminating accountability.

4. "What do you think is our best course of action?"

Ask questions versus handing out orders. Considerable insight can be gleaned by asking for someone's opinion. This approach will win the hearts of your team members, as you'll be viewed as a leader who values the perspectives of others and cares enough to ask for feedback.

Have faith in the process. Trust the people you lead. Say "thank you" more often; admit when you are wrong and be open to new ideas. When you strive to develop more meaningful relationships with your associates, you'll experience a deeper and more fruitful form of success — one that cannot be measured by profit.

SEE ALSO: A leadership expert says Hillary Clinton is missing one key personality trait — and it could stop her from winning the election

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NOW WATCH: Adam Savage reveals why he and 'MythBusters' cohost Jamie Hyneman won't be working together anymore

It's called a "marriage squeeze." 

It's what happens when cultural norms and state policies combine in places like China and India to make the birthrates of boys greatly outpace those of girls.

Then, when those boys come of age, there aren't enough would-be brides to go around. 

This is a huge problem for at least two reasons:

• Historically, heterosexual marriage is seen as a necessary part of being included in society in these two countries.

• As the New York Times reports, having "a shortage of marriageable women, results in higher rates of crime, including rape, committed by young unmarried men." A Wall Street Journal report found that"unmarried men are more likely to commit crimes than married men, especially as they try to accumulate assets to compete for scarce brides."

The squeeze reportedly stems largely from years of sex-selective abortions. In China, the one-child policy prompted an estimated 330 million gender-related abortions and a Lancet study found that India loses 500,000 girls to sex-selective abortion every year, with many more abandoned. 

In China, since wealth is traditionally inherited by men, investing in a girl was said to be like "watering someone else's garden." Thankfully, China has finally reversed its infamous one-child policy, which should help correct the birth rate imbalance in time (something that South Korea, for example, has been able to do). 

Today, the baby gap in India and China is profound: 

• By the end of 2015, there were 33 million more men in China than women. 

• According to a 2013 BBC report, more than 33% of men aged 25 to 29 in China are unmarried, and about 20% of women are unwed. 

• According to 2011 census data, there are 37 million more men than women in India.

• There are 37 million fewer girls (people aged up to 19) in China and India than would be predicted by world averages, a 2015 NPR story reports.  

And as data collected by the Economist shows, the imbalance is getting even more extreme:

• From 2010 to 2015, China's birth ratio was 116 boys to 100 girls, India's was 111 to 100. The natural rate is 105 to 100. 

• If births rates were normal, China would have 66 million more girls born in 2010. For India, it would have been 43 million. 

• In 2050, India will have an estimated 30% more men looking to marry than single women. In 2055, it will be the same.

• In China in 2050, there will be an estimated 186 single men looking to marry for every 100 single women. For India in 2060, there will be 191 single men looking to marry for every 100 women.

Because of this imbalance, a "marriage queue" starts to develop.

Again, the Economist explains: 

At stage one, a cohort of women reaches marriageable age (say, 20-24); they marry among the cohort of men aged 25-29. But there are slightly more men than women, so some members of the male cohort remain on the shelf. Later, two new cohorts reach marriageable age. This time, the men left over from the previous round (who are now in their early thirties) are still looking for wives and compete with the cohort of younger men. The women choose husbands from among this larger group. So after the second round even more men are left on the shelf. And so on. A backlog of unmarried men starts to pile up.

Since men in India and China tend to marry women who are younger than them or have less education, professional, educated women in Mumbai and Shanghai have more trouble finding a husband — provided that they're interested in such a thing. That creates an increase in the number of single women age 27 or older, who in China are unhelpfully called sheng nu, or leftover women. 

The increase of women's status in society pushes the trend even further. 

As can be seen across the globe, the more educated and higher status women become, the more likely they are to put off marriage or avoid getting hitched at all. In the United States, the average age of marriage for women is 27 and 29 for men, both all-time highs. In Europe, the average age of marriage for women is even higher: 32 years old in Sweden, 31 in France and Ireland, and 30 in Italy. In the richest parts of Asia, the average age of marriage is going up, too: In Japan, South Korea, and Hong Kong, the average age of first marriage for women is 29 to 30. 

With all these trends combining, marriage in China and India is becoming ever-so-slowly more like marriage in the United States — optional.

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NOW WATCH: What the Chinese saying 'The ugly wife is a treasure at home' actually means

We're past the seven-year itch and in "gay years" we're more "Cocoon" and less "Romeo & Juliet," if Juliet was a dude.

Heck, we've been together longer than it took some of our straight friends to date, marry and divorce.

Since many marriages that end in divorce do so because of money problems, here are the related lessons we've learned in our 12 years of financial bliss.

1. Eventually we had to talk about money.

Like most couples we didn't get into our relationship because of money. Sure, there are the gold diggers, but we got together because of a combination of excitement, hormones and delusion.

We one day realized, "Oh, we're doing this!" That's when it came time to go adult and discuss living arrangements, life goals and finances (past, present and future).

The longer we went without discussing our financial goals, the more precarious they became, which is why we continued to dig ourselves deeper into debt. Once we started communicating, we were able to improve our financial situation.

2. It's better when we both manage our finances.

Every relationship uses the divide and conquer method. David cooks. John cleans. John sings. David turns on the radio. David opens cabinets and closet doors. John closes them. The division is unique for each couple.

While dividing and conquering is often efficient, we've found it's imperative that we both understand our finances. When either of us solely managed our finances, the other was in the dark and spent accordingly. This added a degree of difficulty usually only seen in the Olympics for reaching our financial goals. (You can monitor your financial goals like building good credit for free on Credit.com.)

3. Fights about money aren't about money.

Fights about money are the symptom, not the disease. Everyone has their logical and emotional connection with money. Money is security. It's a way of life. It's status. It's a goal.

When we're having a strongly worded discussion about our money, we've found it's worthwhile to take a moment to understand the underlying meaning of our disagreement. This let us address the root of the problem more quickly and accurately so we can return to more positive discussions.

4. Stuff isn't worth it, experiences are.

We live in a consumption society. All day long we consume, whether it's food, drinks, clothes, media and more. It's impossible to go a day without seeing an advertisement. Minority Report is here.

It's easy to confuse tangible things with happiness. We confused ourselves into thinking that the nicer house, the nicer car, the new boots and the newest phone would make us happy. This isn't true.

The experiences we've had with each other and our loved ones are what really make us happy. When we think of our past, it's rarely the tangible things that bring smiles to our faces.

This is what we've learned over the course of our 12 years together. We think it's worth sharing because we could all use a little more happiness.

This story is an Op/Ed contribution to Credit.com and does not necessarily represent the views of the company or its partners.

More from Credit.com

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• The Best Cash-Back Credit Cards in America

SEE ALSO: 10 ways couples can finish rich

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NOW WATCH: A sex expert reveals something surprising about casual sex

Look to your right. Now look to your left.

One of those people is probably at least a little kinky.

That's the result of a new study by two Quebec-based researchers who examined the popularity of sexual behaviors that are, clinically speaking, abnormal ("paraphilic," in psychologist-speak).

The authors polled 1,040 residents of Quebec over the phone and online about several variations of what the psychological community has usually considered sexually deviant behavior.

A third had actually engaged in at least one of these acts in the past, and even more (nearly half of respondents) were interested, even if they'd never tried any.

Overall, voyeurism — covertly watching a stranger nude, undressing, or having sex — was the most popular fetish. More than 46% of respondents expressed a desire to engage in voyeurism, while nearly 35% actually had at least once.

Fetishism took second. (The researchers were careful in how they asked about this one: "Have you ever been sexually aroused by an inanimate non-sexual object? Please note that a vibrator does not enter into this category.")

While only a quarter of respondents said they'd engaged in fetishism, 44% said they were, at least, interested.

Breaking the top two fetishes down by gender, the story takes an interesting turn: Many more men (50%) than women (21%) had actually engaged in voyeurism. And while 30% of men had gotten turned on by an inanimate object, only 23% of women had.

The numbers even out when we approach our third-place kink, however: About a third of both sexes said that they'd engaged in what the study calls "extended exhibitionism"— that is, having sex in a place where you risk getting caught.

Finally, the study debunked a common trope about sexual desire — that men are kinkier than women, and women are almost universally vanilla. According to the results, that's just not true — particularly in certain categories, like consensual masochism.

These kinks have long been classified abnormal by the "bible" of psychiatry: the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. (The latest edition, the DSM-5, is careful to emphasize that a paraphilia is not a mental disorder or even a diagnosis unless it causes distress or doesn't involve consent.)

But if something is common, it cannot be considered abnormal. And that was one of the main questions the researchers had: Are these popular kinks really abnormal? The results suggest that at least in the population studied, they are not.

"These results call into question the current definition of normal (normophilic) versus anomalous (paraphilic) sexual behaviors," they wrote.

There are some reasons to interpret these results with caution, however. For one, 1,000 people from Quebec are not a sufficiently diverse sample to represent the general population; cultural norms about sexual behaviors vary significantly around the world.

There's also a huge self-selection bias among people who are willing to answer questions about their sex life, especially questions about the sort of sexual behavior society has traditionally considered deviant. 

Additionally, was a difference between those who responded on the phone versus those who took the online survey. In every category, a higher percentage of internet respondents reported direct experience with their kink of choice. That suggests that, as is common with sex surveys, people are not always being entirely honest and may be downplaying or exaggerating their experiences. 

Many of these kinks don't hurt anyone — for example, sado-masochistic activities between two consenting parties. But others, like voyeurism or frotteurism — rubbing your genitals against an unsuspecting stranger — do have the potential for harm, and the study's authors don't suggest we condone them just because they turn people on.

But as sex researcher David Ley (who is unaffiliated with the study) told Reuters, social norms around sexuality have been changing rapidly, often for the better.

"For years, the field of mental health believed masturbation and homosexuality were unhealthy," he said. "It turns out we've been wrong on all counts."

Rethinking the "abnormality" of many sexual kinks may be next.

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NOW WATCH: A sex expert reveals something surprising about casual sex

Japan's population has taken a million person dip in the last five years. Japanese couplesaren't having babies, and according to a recent survey, aren't having sex very frequently. It may come down to an issue with Japan's treatment of working mothers.

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Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of "Anatomy of Love," says heartbreak has physiological effects on our minds and bodies. There's a scientific reason it hurts so much.

Produced by Kevin Reilly. Camera by Grace Raver.

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Relationship problems. Everybody has them. And sometimes you have them over and over and over.

Most of the people giving advice don't know the research. So where are the real answers?

I decided to call an expert: Dr. John Gottman.

You might remember him as the researcher in Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink" who, after just a few minutes, could predict whether a couple would end up divorced.

John is a professor emeritus at the University of Washington and co-founder of the Gottman Institute. He's published over 190 papers and authored more than 40 books, including:

• "Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love"
• "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
• "The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships"

He's also a really cool guy. John's gained powerful insights from studying couples that thrive (who he calls "Masters") and couples that don't (who he calls "Disasters.")

So what are you going to learn here?

1. The four things that doom relationships.
2. The three things that prevent those four things.
3. The most important part of any relationship conversation.
4. The single best predictor of whether a relationship is working. (It's so easy you can do it yourself in 2 minutes.)

Want to be a Master and not a Disaster? Let's get to it.

The four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse

John has studied thousands of couples over his 40-year career. Four things came up again and again that indicated a relationship was headed for trouble. The Disasters did them a lot and the Masters avoided them:

1. Criticism

This is when someone points to their partner and says their personality or character is the problem. Here's John:

Criticism is staging the problem in a relationship as a character flaw in a partner. The Masters did the opposite: they point a finger at themselves and they really have a very gentle way of starting up the discussion, minimizing the problem and talking about what they feel and what they need.

Ladies, are you listening? Because criticism is something women do a lot more than men. (Don't worry, we'll get to how the guys screw up soon enough.)

2. Defensiveness

This is responding to relationship issues by counterattacking or whining. Here's John:

The second horseman was defensiveness which is a natural reaction to being criticized. It takes two forms: counterattacking or acting like an innocent victim and whining. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical. They accepted the criticism, or even took responsibility for part of the problem. They said, "Talk to me, I want to hear how you feel about this."

3. Contempt

It's the No. 1 predictor of breakups. Contempt is acting like you're a better person than they are. Here's John:

Contempt is talking down to their partner. Being insulting or acting superior. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health.

4. Stonewalling

It's shutting down or tuning out. It passively tells your partner, "I don't care." And 85% of the time it's guys who do this.

(Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? Click here.)

Okay, that's what kills a relationship. Naturally, you want to know what stops those things from occurring, right?

3 things that make horsemen go bye-bye

From looking at the Masters, John saw what prevented the downward spiral of the 4 Horsemen:

1. Know thy partner.

John calls this building "love maps." It's really knowing your partner inside and out. It was one of the Masters' most powerful secrets. Here's John:

A love map is like a road map you make of your partner's internal psychological world. The Masters were always asking questions about their partner and disclosing personal details about themselves.

Why is this so rare? It takes time. And the disasters didn't spend that time. In fact, most couples don't spend that much time.

John cited a study showing couples with kids talk to each other about 35 minutes per week. Yeah, 35 minutes.

And even most of that was just logistics — "When will you be there?""Don't forget to pick up milk."— not deep personal stuff like the Masters.

2. Responding positively to "bids."

No, this has nothing to do with eBay. We all frequently make little bids for our partner's attention.

You say something and you want them to respond. To engage. It can be as simple as saying, "Nice day, isn't it?"

It's almost like a video game: when the person responds positively ("turning towards a bid") your relationship gets a point.

When they don't respond, or respond negatively, the relationship loses a point… or five. Here's John:

The couples who divorced six years later had turned toward bids only 33% of the time. The couples stayed married had turned toward bids 86% of the time. Huge difference.

Couples with high scores build relationship equity. They're able to repair problems. They're able to laugh and smile even when arguing. And that makes a big difference. Here's John:

If you turn toward bids at a high rate, you get a sense of humor during conflict. Humor is very powerful because it reduces physiological arousal during arguments and that's been replicated in several studies.

3. Show admiration.

Ever listen to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a superhero. A saint.

And research shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.

(For more on the science of sexy, click here.)

Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner. And that leads us to how to predict whether your relationship is working…

The best predictor of how good a relationship is

You can do this yourself: have someone ask you about the history of your relationship. What kind of story do you tell?

When your partner describes your relationship to others, what kind of story do they tell?

Does the story minimize the negatives and celebrate the positives? Did it make the other person sound great?

Or did it dwell on what's wrong? Did it talk about what that idiot did this week that's utterly wrong?

This simple "story of us" predicts which relationships succeed and which fail. Here's John:

Our best prediction of the future of a relationship came from a couple's "story of us." It's an ever-changing final appraisal of the relationship and your partner's character. Some people were really developing a "story of us" that was very negative in which they really described all the problems in the relationship. They really emphasize what was missing. Masters did just the opposite: they minimized the negative qualities that all of us have and they cherish their partner's positive qualities. They nurture gratitude instead of resentment.

(For more on what research says makes love last, click here.)

Is there a part of a relationship conversation that's critical? Actually, there is.

The most important part of a relationship conversation

It's the beginning. 96% of the time John can predict the outcome of a conversation within the first three minutes. Here's John:

Negativity feeds on itself and makes the conversation stay negative. We also did seven years of research on how Masters repair that negativity. One of the most powerful things is to say "Hey, this isn't all your fault, I know that part of this is me. Let's talk about what's me and what's you." Accepting responsibility is huge for repair.

How you start those serious relationship discussions doesn't just predict how the conversation goes — it also predicts divorce after six years of marriage.

Via "Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love":

…it went on to predict with high accuracy their fate over a 6-year period of time. The predictions we made about couples' futures held across seven separate studies, they held for heterosexual as well as same-sex couples, and they held throughout the life course.

So you're talking and you're starting off positive and calm. Great. Now you should stop talking. Why?

When I asked John what the best thing to do to improve a relationship he said, "Learn how to be a good listener."

The Masters know how to listen. When their partners have a problem, they drop everything and listen non-defensively with empathy. Here's John:

In really bad relationships people are communicating, "Baby when you're in pain, when you're unhappy, when you hurt, I'm not going to be there for you. You deal with it on your own, find somebody else to talk to because I don't like your negativity. I'm busy, I'm really involved with the kids, I'm really involved with my job." Whereas the Masters have the model of, "When you're unhappy, even if it's with me, the world stops and I listen."

And sometimes the best thing to do at the beginning of a relationship argument is to end it immediately. Why?

69% of a couple's problems are perpetual. They won't be resolved.

Beating a dead horse, asking someone to fundamentally change who they are isn't going to work — but it will make them angry. Here's John:

In the studies that Bob Levenson and I did, we brought couples back into the lab every couple of years to find out what they are arguing about. And people resolved only about 31% of their disagreements. You can edit these videotapes together and it looked like the same conversation over and over for 22 years. Masters learn to accept what will not change and focus on the positive. They seem to say, "There's a lot of good stuff here and I can ignore the annoying things."

(For more on how to listen like an expert, click here.)

Okay, that's a lot of great stuff. Let's round it up and finish with the thing John said that impressed me the most.

Sum up

So here's what John had to say:

1. The four things that kill relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.
2. The three things that prevent them: Know your partner, respond positively to "bids", and admire your partner.
3. The best predictor of relationship success is how you and your partner tell your "story of us."
4. The beginning of the conversation is crucial. Negativity compounds. Keep a cool head and resist emotional inertia.

One last thing that really blew me away: what makes for happy relationships sounds a lot like what makes for happiness in general.

Research shows, happy people seek out the positive and are grateful for it. Unhappy people find the negative in everything.

There's a very similar dynamic in relationships: Masters scan their relationship for good things, disasters are always noting the bad.

And not only that — the Masters' way of looking at the world is actually more accurate. Here's John:

People who have this negative habit of mind miss 50% of the positivity that outside objective observers see. So the positive habit of mind is actually more accurate. If you have a negative habit of mind, you actually distort toward the negative and you don't see the positive. People with the positive habit of mind, it's not that they don't see the negative — they do, they see it — but they really emphasize the positive in terms of the impact on them. That's the difference.

Choose to see the positive. It can cause a cascade:

• It's fuel for your good "story of us."
• You'll probably start relationship conversations on a good note.
• You'll admire your partner.
• And on and on…

Some of the same things that make you happy can improve your relationships — and vice versa. What's better than that? 

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There are plenty of ways to turn people off. Most of them don't require much effort.

All it takes is one look at your social-media activity or a casual in-person introduction to make someone realize they just don't want to spend time with you.

We've rounded up some of the most common social turn-offs online and in person, and how to avoid them. Read on and see which ones you've been guilty of.

SEE ALSO: 14 habits of the most likable people

1. Sharing too many photos on Facebook.

You might be eager to share snapshots of your honeymoon, cousin's graduation, and dog dressed in a Halloween costume, all in the same day. But research has found that posting too many photos on Facebook can hurt your real-life relationships.

"This is because people, other than very close friends and relatives, don't seem to relate well to those who constantly share photos of themselves," lead study author David Houghton, PhD, said in a release.

Specifically, friends don't like it when you've got too many photos of family, and relatives don't like it when you've got too many photos of friends.

As Ben Marder, PhD, another author on the study, put it: "Be cautious when sharing and think how it will be perceived by all the others who may see it. Although sharing is a great way to better relationships, it can also damage them."

2. Having too many, or too few, Facebook friends.

In one study, researchers asked college students to look at fictional Facebook profiles and decide how much they liked the profiles' owners. The study took place in 2008, and the students had about 300 friends each.

Results showed that the "sweet spot" for likability was about 300 friends. Likability ratings were lowest when a profile owner had only about 100 friends, and almost as low when they had more than 300 friends.

As for why 300-plus friends could be a turn-off, the study authors write, "Individuals with too many friends may appear to be focusing too much on Facebook, friending out of desperation rather than popularity."

On the other hand, the researchers acknowledge that if you look at a population where the most common number of Facebook friends is 1,000, the sweet spot for likability could be 1,000.

Keep in mind, though, that one survey found that the average number of Facebook friends among adult users was 338 in 2014.

Interestingly, the study also found that participants weren't consciously aware that they liked people less when they had too many or too few Facebook friends.

3. Disclosing something extremely personal early on in a relationship.

In general, people like each other more after they've traded confidences. Self-disclosure is one of the best ways to make friends as an adult.

But psychologists say that disclosing something too intimate— say, that your sister is having an extramarital affair — while you're still getting to know someone can make you seem insecure and decrease your likability.

The key is to get personal without getting overly personal. As one study led by Susan Sprecher at Illinois State University suggests, simply sharing details about your hobbies and your favorite childhood memories can make you seem warmer and more likable.

Psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman dropped by Business Insider to discuss the dangerous effects of having a "work spouse" and what to do to avoid these sometimes harmful relationships.

Produced by Justin Gmoser and Graham Flanagan. 

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Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of "Anatomy of Love," says people cheat for a variety of reasons. But, a few may not be what you were blaming.

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Within seconds of meeting you, people are already making judgments about your personality.

Those assessments can influence whether they want to hire you, date you, or be your friend.

So you'll want to do everything you can to make the best impression possible — before it's too late.

To help you out on that front, we checked out "How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less" by speaker and author Nicholas Boothman. The book highlights a key strategy for ingratiating yourself with your conversation partner while greeting them. 

The best part? The whole process takes just four seconds. Read on to find out how to become instantly likable.

Step 1: Be open

Boothman says you'll want to open both your body and your attitude.

In terms of your body language, Boothman says you should aim your heart directly at the person you're meeting. Don't cover your heart with your hands or your arms. And if you're wearing a jacket, unbutton it beforehand. 

It's equally important to cultivate a positive attitude. While you're greeting the person, Boothman says you should feel and be aware of that positivity.

Step 2: Make eye contact

Boothman says you should be the one to initiate eye contact, and let your eyes reflect your positive attitude.

If you feel uncomfortable making eye contact, he suggests a strategy for getting used to it: When you're watching TV, note the eye color of the people on camera and say the name of the color in your head. The next day, do the same thing with every person you meet. 

Just make sure to look away at some point — as Carol Kinsey Goman writes on Forbes, too much eye contact can feel rude or intimidating for the other person. 

Step 3: Beam

Boothman advises being the first one to smile. You'll send the message that you're sincere. 

Research also suggests that smiling when you meet someone in a happy context is a useful way to get them to remember you. 

Step 4: Say "hello"

Whether you say "hi,""hey," or "hello," or use another salutation, you should sound delighted to be making this person's acquaintance.

Next, you'll want to extend your hand. Make sure to give a firm handshake, which generally creates a more positive impression. 

When the person you're meeting gives his or her name, try to repeat it a few times. For example, you might say, "Sara. Nice to meet you, Sara!"

If you're meeting multiple people and can't shake everyone's hand at once, Boothman says it's possible to conduct a "hands-free" handshake. Do everything you'd normally do while shaking someone's hand — point your heart in their direction, say hello, and smile — but don't extend your hand. 

Step 5: Lean in

There's no need to fall over into the person you're meeting. 

Boothman suggests an "almost imperceptible forward tilt" to show that you're open to and interested in what the person has to say.

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A new relationship — whether personal, romantic, or professional — is a lot like buying a new car. Driving it off the lot is pure bliss.

As you look around, you can scarcely take it all in.

Everything smells, sounds, and looks terrific. You coast through weeks or months — maybe even years — of happy driving before you're aware of anything that needs fixing.

And like a car, when a relationship breaks down, it's overwhelming; you're left stuck on the side of the road wondering what went wrong.

A trained eye knows when a car is in trouble. From the sound of the idle to the color of the exhaust exiting the tailpipe, there are telltale signs of distress. The same is true of relationships, and you can be your own mechanic.

Researchers at the University of Washington discovered four clear indicators of relationship failure (dubbed "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse") so profound that they predict the future success of a relationship with 93% accuracy.

The researchers in Washington conducted their studies with married couples, and their accuracy rate for predicting divorce has held up for more than 14 years after watching couples interact.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen reveal problems for relationships of all types. They represent the counterproductive acts we can easily fall victim to when our emotions get the better of us.

As you read each of the Horsemen and consider its relevance in your relationships, remember that conflict itself is not a problem. Conflict is actually a normal and (ideally) productive part of two people with different needs and interests working together.

The researchers in Washington found that the amount of conflict between two people had no bearing on the success of the relationship. It's how conflict is handled that determines a relationship's success, and the Four Horsemen's presence means conflict is not being dealt with constructively or productively.

Follow the strategies provided for overcoming each of the Four Horseman, and your relationships are bound to be successful.

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The 1st Horseman: Criticism

Criticism is not to be confused with delivering feedback or otherwise seeking improvement or change in another person. Criticism becomes, well, criticism when it isn't constructive ("This report is terrible.").

Criticism, in its most troubling form, focuses on the individual's personality, character, or interests rather than the specific action or behavior you'd like to see changed ("You are terrible at writing. You're so disorganized and tangential."). It's one thing to criticize without being constructive; it's another to go after someone for something they are unable to change.

Overcoming Criticism:

If you find yourself criticizing when you planned on being constructive, it's best if you don't deliver your feedback and commentary unless you've planned ahead. You'll need to think through what you're going to say and stick to your script in order to remain constructive and avoid criticism.

It's also best if you focus your feedback on a single specific behavior, as your reactions to multiple behaviors at once can easily be perceived as criticism. If you find that you cannot deliver feedback without generalizing to the other person's personality, you're better off saying nothing at all.

The 2nd Horseman: Contempt

Contempt is any open sign of disrespect toward another. Contempt often involves comments that aim to take the other person down a notch, as well as direct insults. Contempt is also seen in indirect and veiled forms, such as rolling of the eyes and couching insults within "humor."

Overcoming Contempt:

Contempt stems from a lack of interest in the other person. When you find that you don't enjoy or admire someone — perhaps there are things about him or her that used to be interesting or charming and now they've lost their luster — contempt can surface unexpectedly.

If your disinterest is unavoidable and the relationship is one that isn't going anywhere, such as a family member or coworker, then you need to focus on managing the relationship itself. People who manage relationships well are able to see the benefit of connecting with many different people, even those they are not fond of.

Common ground, no matter how small, is a commodity to be sought and cherished. In the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, "I do not like that man. I must get to know him better."

Related: Why Leaders Lack Emotional Intelligence

The 3rd Horseman: Defensiveness

Denying responsibility, making excuses, meeting one complaint with another, and other forms of defensiveness are problematic, because they prevent a conflict from reaching any sort of resolution. Defensiveness only serves to accelerate the anxiety and tension experienced by both parties, and this makes it difficult to focus on the larger issues at hand that need to be resolved.

Overcoming Defensiveness:

To overcome defensiveness, you have to be willing to listen carefully to the other party's complaint, even if you don't see things the same way. This doesn't mean you have to agree with them.

Instead, you focus on fully understanding the other person's perspective so that you can work together towards resolving the conflict. It's critical that you work to remain calm. Once you understand why the other person is upset, it's much easier to find common ground than if you dismiss their opinions defensively.

Winning your boss's favor isn't so hard to do.

And it's not about kissing up by complimenting their new haircut or volunteering for every single new assignment.

Instead, it's about figuring out what they want from you and being strategic in making them feel good.

To help you ingratiate yourself with your manager, we consulted both scientific research and expert opinion. Read on for the eight most compelling insights we learned.

SEE ALSO: These 9 behaviors separate star employees from everyone else

1. Get to work early.

Research from the Michael G. Foster School of Business at the University of Washington suggests that employees who get into the office early are generally perceived by their managers as more conscientious and receive higher performance ratings than employees who arrive later.

And it doesn't matter if those who get in later stay later, too.

If you feel that you'd be more productive working from, say, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. instead of 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., consider explaining the situation to your manager and confronting their potential "morning bias" head-on.

2. Ask for advice.

You might be wary of asking your boss anything — whether it's how they got to this point in their career or which marketing strategy they think you should go with.

But research from Harvard Business School suggests that asking for advice doesn't make you look stupid — it can make you seem more competent, which is presumably how you want your boss to see you.

In one experiment, 170 university students worked on a series of computer tasks and were told they would be matched with a partner who would complete the same tasks (the partner was really a computer simulation). When they'd finished the tasks, the "partner" either said, "I hope it went well" or "I hope it went well. Do you have any advice?"

As it turns out, students who'd been asked for advice rated their "partner" more competent than those who hadn't been asked for advice.

The researchers explain that, when you ask for advice, you're validating the person's intelligence and experience, so they feel good about you in turn.

3. Manage up.

"Managing up" is a term for learning what your boss really cares about and making sure you deliver on that.

As Dave Kerpen, founder and CEO of software company Likable Local, told Business Insider, "It's about helping your manager look great to his or her manager. And ultimately by doing that you're going to position yourself better for success."

Kerpen expects his team at Likeable Local to manage up to him. For example, he doesn't care that his head of marketing shows up late almost every day — as long as she's on time Monday morning, delivering a great report at the company-wide meeting.

Kerpen recommends either asking your boss directly what's important to them or subtly trying to figure it out on your own.

Esther Perel, a couples therapist and the best-selling author of "Mating in Captivity," reveals her provocative perspective on the subject of infidelity.

Aiming to spark a new conversation about this taboo topic, Perel reverses the lens by proposing that affairs are not a symptom of a problem in one's relationship, but are instead an expression of a deeper longing to experience something different.

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Esther Perel is a renowned relationship expert who has worked with hundreds of couples around the world.

During her countless sessions with all different kinds of couples, Perel noticed a few key factors that happy relationships have in common.

Story by Aly Weisman and editing by Chelsea Pineda and Alana Kakoyiannis

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