Heterosexual romantic relationships have historically been all about men courting and “keeping” women. And it’s a powerful tradition.

Whether it’s asking someone out, picking up the bill, or being the main breadwinner in the family, many of the ideas we have about romance are still based on men being initiators and directors and women being receivers and caretakers.

Yet society is changing. Women are increasingly entering the “male domains” of high-powered jobs and sexual freedom.

So how does all this affect romance? Given that popular (mis)conceptions of feminism tend to malign feminists as man-haters or lesbians, it’s easy to see why many people view gender equality as incompatible with romance and a hindrance to romantic relationships. But is this really the case? Let’s take a look at the evidence.

Traditionally, women’s main route to status and influence involved attracting high-status romantic partners. But while the movement for gender equality has changed things, cultural scripts about romance have curtailed women’s social roles and still continue to do so.

For example, when adolescent girls describe their first sexual experience, they frequently refer to it as something that just “happened to them”, whereas boys’ accounts don’t show this lack of agency. This power imbalance also occurs in adults, with men being more likely to initiate and lead sex than women.

Yet, researchers have also noticed that heterosexual scripts of romance are becoming more egalitarian over time. Spurred by the movement for equality, women are increasingly adopting active roles in initiating romance and are displaying more dominant sexual behaviours.

For women, the pay-off is obvious. Traditional cultural views of romance thwart women’s ability to express themselves, as it requires a relinquishing of control and agency. We know this leads to dissatisfaction with sex and relationships. Conversely, greater agency and equality in a relationship has been associated with better communication, improved relationship satisfaction and a better sex life. One study found that women in relationships with feminist men reported healthier relationships– both in terms of quality and long-term stability – than those in relationships with non-feminist men.

More generally, conforming to traditional romantic ideas may also limit women’s willingness and ability to seek equality. One study found that women who associate their romantic partners with chivalry and being a “protector” – as in the ideal of a Prince Charming – were less interested in pursuing higher education and higher-status occupations.

Are men suffering?

Many men seem to believe that gender equality will cause relationship problems. But is this the case?

One way of approaching this issue is to look at what happens when couples shift away from traditional family roles, with men taking on more responsibility in the home. Studies of couples who live together suggest that greater equality in earning income and sharing of household chores is associated with greater relationship stability and having sex more often.

Indeed, when husbands take on a greater role in housework, shopping and childcare, it seems to result in lower divorce rates. Likewise, when fathers take paternity leave and contribute more to homecare, it results in greater marital stability.

More broadly, one study showed that men who said they were in relationships with feminist women reported greater relationship stability and sexual satisfaction. The authors of this study concluded that, far from disrupting heterosexual relationships, greater gender equality in a relationship was healthy – for both women and men. Other research has also suggested that men who eschew traditional cultural scripts of romance tend to have more satisfying and committed relationships.

There’s also a darker side to traditional relationships. The dominant role for men in relationships is problematic for wider society because it can socialise men into a culture of violence. Research consistently shows that men who more strongly endorse traditional gender roles, including in relationships, are more likely to report a history of sexually coercive behaviours, are more likely to blame the victims of rape and are more accepting of intimate partner violence.

Performing gender

But why does equality make us happy? One reason might be that endorsement of traditional cultural scripts of romance places a heavy burden on men, just as it does on women.

Having to “perform” according to traditional scripts limits expressions of individuality and behaviours – ultimately making it harder for two people to develop true intimacy.

In fact, men are increasingly expressing frustration at relationships that force them to follow the male-initiator cultural script for precisely this reason.

It even applies to the bedroom, where it can reduce spontaneity and lower sexual satisfaction. In fact, when it comes to sex, there is evidence that both women and men experience greater sexual satisfaction when the woman doens’t feel that she has to be submissive (unless of course that’s a personal preference).

Another reason why greater gender equality may lead to more stable relationships is because it promotes more positive communication patterns. Gender equality facilitates a sharing of responsibility to resolve conflicts (as opposed to placing that burden primarily on women) and may lead to more expressive communication styles which benefit the relationship.

So does that mean that men should stop initiating romantic relationships or that women should start picking up the bill? In the short term (on a first date for example), conforming to cultural scripts may facilitate interactions, so long as both partners are on the same page. But in the longer-term, perpetuating gendered inequalities in our romantic relationships will likely cause more harm than good. Gender equality in relationships doesn’t mean that we lose the romance. If anything, it lays the basis for more satisfying and healthier relationships.

Viren Swami, Professor of Social Psychology, Anglia Ruskin University

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Making judgments about someone's personality based on the way they look is something humans do automatically, without thinking.

Once you get to know the person, those judgments gradually dissipate and get replaced by new assessments of what they're really like.

Except that second bit, while believable, isn't exactly true. According to new research, our first impressions of people in photographs influence our perception of those people even after we've interacted with them personally.

There are a number of things that are fascinating about this research, which was led by researchers at Bilkent University in Ankara, Turkey; Middle East Technical University in Ankara, Turkey; and Cornell University. Here's the first: In a small preliminary study, people said they believed that their initial impressions of a person in a photo would change if they had the chance to meet the person.

This belief turned out to be unsubstantiated.

For the main study, 55 "perceivers" looked at photos of four females either smiling or displaying a neutral expression. They were asked to evaluate the people in the photos on how much they liked them and how attractive they were, and to rate them on different personality traits, including openness to new experiences, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.

Between one and six months later, the perceivers arrived at the lab, supposedly to participate in a study on social interactions. They were asked to interact with another participant while being videotaped.

A second fascinating bit: What the perceivers didn't know was that the other participant was one of the people whose photograph they had viewed a month earlier.

The two participants interacted for 20 minutes: for 10 minutes in a trivia game, and for 10 minutes during which they were asked to get to know each other as well as possible. Once again, the perceivers were asked to rate the other participant on likability and different personality traits.

As it turns out, personality judgments based on the photos were almost the same in the real-life condition, with the exception of extroversion. The perceivers rated the participants even more similarly on likability.

Perhaps the most fascinating feature of this study is that, when independent observers reviewed the videotapes of the interactions, they found that perceivers who'd viewed the people in the photographs more favorably acted more warmly toward those people when they met them in real life. The photographed people reciprocated by acting more warmly toward the perceivers, confirming the perceivers' positive impressions of them.

The general takeaway here is that first impressions are a lot stickier than we're inclined to believe — and often they work like self-fulfilling prophecies.

That said, psychologists have found that there are certain ways to reverse first impressions, if you're actively trying to do so (which the perceivers in this study weren't). For example, if someone views you negatively, you can help them see your behavior in a new context:

Say you ignore an acquaintance on the street because you just had a massive fight with your partner and aren't in the mood to talk. Later you find out that the acquaintance thinks you're a jerk. You might want to get in touch with her and explain that you normally love talking to her, but you'd just finished sobbing and didn't want to embarrass yourself or her.

Now that you're aware of how durable first impressions can be, you can take steps to counteract this effect. As you're getting to know someone, ask yourself questions about how you feel about the person and why — and whether any of those perceptions are ripe for revision.

SEE ALSO: Science says people decide these 13 things within seconds of meeting you

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Email can be nerve-racking.

How long should you make your thank-you note to the person who met you for an informational interview? How do you reply to your team telling them that their project isn't quite up to snuff without making them cry?

Enter "Unsubscribe: How to Kill Email Anxiety, Avoid Distractions, and Get Real Work Done," a new book by Jocelyn Glei that promises to provide simple answers to those tricky questions.

Below, we've rounded up some of Glei's best tips, based on her book and her interview with Business Insider. Read on and email them to all your friends …

1. Use the word 'yet' in critical emails to coworkers to soften the blow

As in: "I don't think these designs are where I want them to be yet."

Glei cites research by psychologist Carol Dweck, who says that the word "yet" helps cultivate in people a "growth mindset," so that they want to keep trying until they get it right.

Using this word "automatically shifts to this mindset where they are on a timeline, making progress," Glei said.

2. Preview emails to busy people on your phone before sending

Most emails get opened for the first time on a mobile device. And a message that looks fine on a laptop might look epic— in a bad way — on a phone.

So test it out before you send anything to a busy or important person.

"You always have to take into account that someone will be processing that message on-the-go, in an impatient state, at a glance," Glei said. That means you need to "be concise and to get right to the point."

3. Don't be afraid to use exclamation points in your emails

Glei said that whatever enthusiasm you intend to convey gets taken down a notch when the recipient reads your email: "When the sender thinks it's neutral, receivers tend to think it's more negative."

So if you think you sound overly upbeat, you probably sound normally enthusiastic. That's why it's not necessarily unprofessional to use an exclamation point or two in your message.

4. When emailing someone for a favor, put your request right upfront

To boost your chances of getting a reply, make sure you establish your credibility early on in the message, especially if the recipient doesn't know you. Then get straight to the ask.

"In a short-attention span world, it's best to get right to the point immediately and do your explaining later," Glei writes in "Unsubscribe.""Think about what will appear in the two-line message preview the recipient will see as she scrolls through her inbox: Will it capture her attention?"

5. Include a potential solution when emailing your boss to ask for something

"If you're asking a question, propose a solution," Glei writes.

In other words, "What do you think about X?" isn't the best idea.

If you're requesting time off, for example, explain that it will be a slow period, your coworker has agreed to cover for you, and it will help you come back rested for the next big push.

6. Don't feel pressured to say yes to emails with professional requests

Say someone emails you asking you for an introduction to someone in your network. You don't have to comply.

Glei writes that making a connection or intro means you're implicitly endorsing the people you connect. So if you don't feel comfortable, say so.

For example: "I'd love to help you out, but my relationship with [insert contact's name] is still fairly new, so I don't really feel comfortable making introductions at this juncture."

7. Make sure you send a concise thank-you email after someone does you a professional favor

"It makes people feel warm and fuzzy inside to know they have helped someone," Glei writes. "… It also makes them more likely to help you or someone else again next time."

Here's one template you can use: "Hi Mark — We've been getting tons of positive feedback on the new responsive website you coded for us. Traffic is up 50% on mobile! We could never have done it without you. Much appreciation for all of your great work on the project."

8. Write a subject line that shows people how this email will help them

"You always want to frame whatever you're asking in terms of the value for them as opposed to the value for you," Glei said.

Ask yourself: "How can I step into their shoes?" What would feel like a strong value proposition to them?"

One thing to avoid in your subject lines, according to Glei: ALL CAPS.

SEE ALSO: Here's the exact email to send your boss when you want them to say yes to something

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NOW WATCH: How to craft the subject of your emails so that people will open them

The INSIDER Summary:

• Olympian Aly Raisman is dating Colton Underwood.
• Underwood previously asked Raisman out on a date on video chat.
• Raisman told People that she's spending the holiday with his family.

2016 has been an excellent year for gymnast Aly Raisman: In addition to her triumphant return to the Olympics (where she won a gold and two silvers), she's also found a new love, People reports. 

On Monday night, Raisman hit the red carpet at Sports Illustrated's Sportsperson of the Year Ceremony with Colton Underwood, tight end for the Oakland Raiders and the guy who was ballsy enough to ask Raisman out on a date via video chat earlier this year. 

Here's the actual moment it happened:

And wouldn't you know it: Underwood's invite actually worked. 

"We happened to both be in Denver at the same time," Raisman told People. "I was there for less than 12 hours, he was flying in for just a few days. It just ended up working perfectly." 

Raisman confirmed to People that she and Underwood have actually been together since August, but had chosen to keep things quiet for a while. She has met Underwood's family, however, and plans to spend the holiday season with them this year. 

The professional football player even drove 90 minutes both ways to make it to their second and third dates together, Raisman told People. Now that sounds like the real deal.

Here's hoping the young lovers stay together and stay happy. 

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You go to hug someone, but they're trying to shake your hand, so you end up backslapping them from a foot away.

You think the person next to you overheard you whispering about how cute they are, so you confess and apologize, but it turns out they never overheard you in the first place.

Even if you've experienced both those situations, chances are good that you're not nearly as socially inept as you believe you are. But simply thinking of yourself as an awkward person can sap your confidence in social situations.

To help give you the confidence boost you need, we checked out the Quora thread "What are the best ways to improve social skills?" and pinpointed some practical tips.

We can't promise you'll never have another awkward encounter, but hopefully this advice will help you to enjoy, instead of dread, social interactions.

Note that if social anxiety is interfering with your ability to function on a daily basis, you might consider seeing a therapist, who can give you more tools to overcome your nerves.

SEE ALSO: 7 simple social skills that will make you more likable

1. Be present

We're so accustomed to mental and physical multitasking that we might not even realize how off-putting it can be to conversation partners.

"When you're with someone, but you're distracted by other thoughts or emotions, people notice,"writes Eva Glasrud. "Maybe your eyes glaze over, or your reactions are a little off or delayed. ... Or maybe you're being super obvious about it and using a mobile device while 'listening' to them.

"This makes people feel ... bad. Like they're not important. Or like you're not being authentic."

The ability to focus on the here and now is a skill called mindfulness, which you can cultivate gradually through practices like focusing on your breath and the individual sensations you're feeling in a given moment.

2. Focus on the other person

"The best thing I ever learned to improve my social skills was to think of the other person/people instead of myself,"says Jennifer McGinnis. "Instead of worrying how I was 'performing' or coming across, I would think about the other person and how they seemed to be feeling or getting along."

Chances are good that your conversation partner is feeling just as uncomfortable as you are — and recognizing that could help you relax.

3. Act 'as if'

In other words, fake it till you make it.

Writes Deborah Crawford:

"Act 'as if' you have great social skills. What does that look like? ... Pretend you are the host of whatever gathering you are in and make someone feel welcome. Smile, make brief eye contact, and say hi."

In a way, the prevailing model of American marriage today seems awesome compared to the traditional one.

No longer do we get hitched because our dad told us to, because the guy is wealthy, or because the girl comes from a high-status family. (Gross.)

Instead, most of us get married if and when we feel like it, to someone we love and who loves us in return. (Awww.)

Except, in case you haven't heard, marriage today can feel impossibly difficult — perhaps even more so than it used to feel.

How's that?

In a recent interview with bestselling author Ramit Sethi, couples therapist Esther Perel shared some insight into why marriage is so darn hard.

Here's what she told Sethi:

"Marrying because you are deeply attracted to someone and have fallen deeply in love with someone and are lusting [after] that person — all of these are rather recent ideas.

"They come with romanticism; they have arrived in the west about 150 years ago. And never has love been the foundation for marriage — and certainly not in love and in passion."

Perel said that, in the traditional model of marriage, "we want companionship, family life, social status, and respectability, and economic support."

But our desire for those things didn't disappear when the modern, romantic model of marriage took hold. We simply added more requirements to the mix.

Here's Perel again:

"Now we want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot — and we live twice as long. That's the model."

These increasing demands can have serious — and not always positive — ramifications for our sex lives.

"We have moved from a model of sexual duty in this romantic arrangement to sexual pleasure and sexual connection," Perel said, "in which desire is, I don't do it [have sex] because it's part of marital duty."

"I do it because I feel like it and you feel like it and we feel like it at the same time and hopefully for each other. There's a lot of conditions that need to be met here."

In other words, when you expect your partner to fulfill all your needs as a human being, there's more room for disappointment. That's especially true in the bedroom.

Perel's comments are especially relevant in light of recent research by the psychologist Eli Finkel, who found that our expectations for American marriage have changed drastically in the last two centuries or so.

As Business Insider's Jessica Orwig has reported, before 1850, people got married for food production, shelter, and protection from violence.

Starting around the mid-19th century, however, people started marrying for companionship and love.

Since 1965, people have seen marriage as optional, and have looked to their spouse for personal fulfillment.

That means that good marriages, in which the partners do fulfill each other's existential needs, are great. And marriages in which partners fall short in a couple categories are highly dissatisfying.

The solution here isn't to go back to the old model of marriage, letting our parents assign us spouses based on their socioeconomic standing. Instead, it's worth being aware that you're placing so many demands on your partner — and that they might be equally demanding of you.

Perhaps, as Finkel suggests, you'll want to look outside your marriage for additional sources of personal fulfillment — like friends and hobbies. Or maybe you and your partner will have a conversation about how grateful you are for what the other does provide, and what each would like to see more of going forward.

Your marriage will never be perfect — but being aware of the broader cultural forces behind your particular issues is perhaps the first step to solving them.

You can watch the full interview with Esther Perel here.

SEE ALSO: 15 relationship facts everybody should know before getting married

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From Google cofounder Sergey Brin's split from 23andMe founder Anne Wojcicki to SpaceX founder Elon Musk's second divorce from actress Talulah Riley, the separation of several high-powered couples could signal that extreme career success comes at the expense of relationship success.

But relationship experts say this doesn't always ring true. You can have a successful marriage and balance high-powered careers — it just takes work.

Dr. Michael McNulty, a master trainer from The Gottman Institute and founder of the Chicago Relationship Center, tells Business Insider maintaining a marital friendship, romance, and intimacy, managing ongoing conflict that is inevitable in marriage, and creating and maintaining a meaningful relationship is more challenging for partners with successful careers because they have less time to do so.

He says these couples are at more risk when the connection to the career becomes primary, and the commitment to and trust in the relationship becomes questionable. "Having a spouse addicted to work can feel like as much of a betrayal as extramarital affair to the other spouse," McNulty says.

But as research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman explains in his book "What Makes Love Last," 40 years of research shows that trust and commitment are crucial to holding relationships together. "When both partners have a strong commitment to a relationship, this leads to a strong sense of trust, which makes love last," McNulty explains.

Here's how some of the most successful married couples keep their relationships strong:

SEE ALSO: Marriage under the spotlight — why successful people get divorced

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They prioritize spending time together

Handel Group co-president and life coach Laurie Gerber says shared experiences are key.

Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg, for example, drew up a relationship agreement with his then-girlfriend and now-wife Priscilla Chan when she moved to Palo Alto, California, several years ago. In it, he agreed to take her on a date once a week and spend 100 minutes of alone time each week with her outside the office or his apartment.

McNulty says creating rituals can help. "Rituals are more formal ways of connecting and ensure spouses reserve time for one another or their families and make specific plans to do the things they want to do," he explains.

Whether it's a weekly date night or a trip for just the immediate family, he says busy, successful partners have to be more careful with their time to make sure they connect with one another and enjoy the things that define or give meaning to their relationships.

Their time is spent doing good

Gerber says it also helps if power couples spend time doing things outside of the ego.

Last year Zuckerberg and Chan launched the philanthropic LLC the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative together, and Bill and Melinda Gates have overseen their own foundation together since 2000. 

"People dedicated to making the world better or with a spiritual side seem to have more chance of success in partnership because they aren't depending on external factors only to feel good," she says.

They listen and empathize

"Make time every day to talk with your spouse, in person or by phone, about one another's lives," McNulty says, noting that texting is often not enough.

"Focus on the stressful things or events that are important to your spouse. Listen. Help your spouse express his or her feelings. Empathize. Show support. Don't problem solve or fix. Most of us just want to be heard," he explains.

According to McNulty, Gottman's research shows that this kind of conversation is the one common thing that all successful couples do after marriage therapy.

In The Gottman Method of Couple Therapy, he says this kind of conversation is called a "stress reducing conversation.""Successful, busy couples' relationships will suffer if they fail to find a way to have this type of conversation on a regular basis," McNulty says.

In a blog post on Science of Relationships, personality and social psychologist at the University of Toronto, Jessica Maxwell, describes half a dozen studies she and her colleagues conducted. The studies investigate how your philosophy on sex could affect more than just your sex life.

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But, of course, not being satisfied with just a few wise words, I had to take it a step further.

See, I have access to hundreds of thousands of smart, amazing people through my site. So why not consult them? Why not ask them for their best relationship/marriage advice? Why not synthesize all of their wisdom and experience into something straightforward and immediately applicable to any relationship, no matter who you are or how sick of his/her s--- you are?

Why not crowdsource THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE TO END ALL RELATIONSHIP GUIDES™ from the sea of smart and savvy partners and lovers here?

So, that's what I did. I sent out the call the week before my wedding: anyone who has been married for 10+ years and is still happy in their relationship, what lessons would you pass down to others if you could? What is working for you and your partner? And if you are divorced, what didn't work previously?

The response was overwhelming. Almost 1,500 people replied, many of whom sent in responses measured in pages, not paragraphs. It took almost two weeks to comb through them all, but I did. And what I found stunned me …

They were incredibly repetitive.

That's not an insult or anything. Actually, it's kind of the opposite. Not to mention, a relief. These were all smart and well-spoken people from all walks of life, from all around the world, all with their own histories, tragedies, mistakes and triumphs…

And yet they were all saying pretty much the same dozen things.

Which means that those dozen or so things must be pretty damn important … and more importantly, they work.

Here's what they are.

1. Be together for the right reasons

"Don't ever be with someone because someone else pressured you to. I got married the first time because I was raised Catholic and that's what you were supposed to do. Wrong. I got married the second time because I was miserable and lonely and thought having a loving wife would fix everything for me. Also wrong. Took me three tries to figure out what should have been obvious from the beginning, the only reason you should ever be with the person you're with is because you simply love being around them. It really is that simple."

– Greg

Before we even get into what you should do in your relationship, let's start with what not to do.

When I sent out my request to readers for advice, I added a caveat that turned out to be illuminating. I asked people who were on their second or third (or fourth) marriages what they did wrong. Where did they mess up?

By far, the most common answer was "being with the person for the wrong reasons."

Some of these wrong reasons included:

• Pressure from friends and family.
• Feeling like a "loser" because they were single and settling for the first person that came along
• Being together for image — because the relationship looked good on paper (or in photos), not because the two people actually admired each other.
• Being young and naive and hopelessly in love and thinking that love would solve everything.

As we'll see throughout the rest of this article, everything that makes a relationship "work" (and by work, I mean that it is happy and sustainable for both people involved) requires a genuine, deep-level admiration for each other. Without that mutual admiration, everything else will unravel.

The other "wrong" reason to enter into a relationship is, like Greg said, to "fix" yourself. This desire to use the love of someone else to soothe your own emotional problems inevitably leads to codependence, an unhealthy and damaging dynamic between two people where they tacitly agree to use each other's love as a distraction from their own self-loathing.

We'll get more into codependence later in this article, but for now, it's useful to point out that love, itself, is neutral. It is something that can be both healthy or unhealthy, helpful or harmful, depending on why and how you love someone else and are loved by someone else. By itself, love is never enough to sustain a relationship.

2. Have realistic expectations about relationships and romance

"You are absolutely not going to be absolutely gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this 'happily ever after' bull---- is just setting people up for failure. They go into relationship with these unrealistic expectations. Then, the instant they realize they aren't 'gaga' anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! There will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren't all mushy-gushy in-love. You're even going to wake up some morning and think, "Ugh, you're still here …" That's normal! And more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because that, too, will change. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you'll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you'll love them so much you think your heart can't possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Because a love that's alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It's not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn't be. I think if more couples understood that, they'd be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce."

– Paula

Love is a funny thing. In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb in the name of their emotions.

That's because love, while making us feel all giddy and high as if we had just snorted a shoebox full of cocaine, makes us highly irrational. We all know that guy (or girl) who dropped out of school, sold their car and spent the money to elope on the beaches of Tahiti. We all also know that that guy (or girl) ended up sulking back a few years later feeling like a moron, not to mention broke.

That's unbridled love. It's nature's way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things to procreate with another person — probably because if we stopped to think about the repercussions of having kids, and being with the same person forever and ever, no one would ever do it. As Robin Williams used to joke, "God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time."

Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other's faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few years at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover's eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens — yeah, that mostly goes away. It does for everybody. So, once it's gone, you need to know that you've buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.

True love — that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy — is a choice. It's a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It's a commitment to a person who you understand isn't going to always make you happy — nor should they! — and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.

That form of love is much harder. Primarily because it often doesn't feel very good. It's unglamorous. It's lots of early morning doctor's visits. It's cleaning up bodily fluids you'd rather not be cleaning up. It's dealing with another person's insecurities and fears and ideas, even when you don't want to.

But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.

"Happily Ever After doesn't exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life – the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it's a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world."

– Tara

Many people never learn how to breach this deep, unconditional love. Many people are instead addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they.

Many people get into a relationship as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves. This is a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your love conditional — you will love your partner as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them as long as they give to you. You will make them happy as long as they make you happy.

This conditionality prevents any true, deep-level intimacy from emerging and chains the relationship to the bucking throes of each person's internal dramas.

3. The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect

"What I can tell you is the #1 thing, most important above all else is respect. It's not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion or lack of, nor is it love. There are times when you won't feel love for your partner. That is the truth. But you never want to lose respect for your partner. Once you lose respect you will never get it back."

– Laurie

As we scanned through the hundreds of responses we received, my assistant and I began to notice an interesting trend.

People who had been through divorces and/or had only been with their partners for 10-15 years almost always talked about communication being the most important part of making things work. Talk frequently. Talk openly. Talk about everything, even if it hurts.

And there is some merit to that (which I'll get to later).

But we noticed that the thing people with marriages going on 20, 30, or even 40 years talked about most was respect.

My sense is that these people, through sheer quantity of experience, have learned that communication, no matter how open, transparent and disciplined, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable, and feelings will always be hurt.

And the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another, the fact that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another — often more than you each believe in yourselves — and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with what they've got.

Without that bedrock of respect underneath you, you will doubt each other's intentions. You will judge their choices and encroach on their independence. You will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear.

"My husband and I have been together 15 years this winter. I've thought a lot about what seems to be keeping us together, while marriages around us crumble (seriously, it's everywhere… we seem to be at that age). The one word that I keep coming back to is "respect". Of course, this means showing respect, but that is too superficial. Just showing it isn't enough. You have to feel it deep within you. I deeply and genuinely respect him for his work ethic, his patience, his creativity, his intelligence, and his core values. From this respect comes everything else – trust, patience, perseverance (because sometimes life is really hard and you both just have to persevere). I want to hear what he has to say (even if I don't agree with him) because I respect his opinion. I want to enable him to have some free time within our insanely busy lives because I respect his choices of how he spends his time and who he spends time with. And, really, what this mutual respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest, most intimate selves with each other."

– Nicole

You must also respect yourself. Just as your partner must also respect his/herself. Because without that self-respect, you will not feel worthy of the respect afforded by your partner. You will be unwilling to accept it and you will find ways to undermine it. You will constantly feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which will just backfire.

Respect for your partner and respect for yourself are intertwined. As a reader named Olov put it, "Respect yourself and your wife. Never talk badly to or about her. If you don't respect your wife, you don't respect yourself. You chose her – live up to that choice."

So what does respect look like?

Common examples given by many readers:

• NEVER talk s--- about your partner or complain about them to your friends. If you have a problem with your partner, you should be having that conversation with them, not with your friends. Talking bad about them will erode your respect for them and make you feel worse about being with them, not better.
• Respect that they have different hobbies, interests and perspectives from you. Just because you would spend your time and energy differently, doesn't mean it's better/worse.
• Respect that they have an equal say in the relationship, that you are a team, and if one person on the team is not happy, then the team is not succeeding.
• No secrets. If you're really in this together and you respect one another, everything should be fair game. Have a crush on someone else? Discuss it. Laugh about it. Had a weird sexual fantasy that sounds ridiculous? Be open about it. Nothing should be off-limits.

Respect goes hand-in-hand with trust. And trust is the lifeblood of any relationship (romantic or otherwise). Without trust, there can be no sense of intimacy or comfort. Without trust, your partner will become a liability in your mind, something to be avoided and analyzed, not a protective home base for your heart and your mind.

4. Talk openly about everything, especially the stuff that hurts

"We always talk about what's bothering us with each other, not anyone else! We have so many friends who are in marriages that are not working well and they tell me all about what is wrong. I can't help them, they need to be talking to their spouse about this, that's the only person who can help them figure it out. If you can figure out a way to be able to always talk with your spouse about what's bugging you then you can work on the issue."

– Ronnie

"There can be no secrets. Secrets divide you. Always."

– Tracey

I receive hundreds of emails from readers each week asking for life advice. A large percentage of these emails involve their struggling romantic relationships.

(These emails, too, are surprisingly repetitive.)

A couple years ago, I discovered that I was answering the vast majority of these relationship emails with the exact same response.

"Take this email you just sent to me, print it out, and show it to your partner. Then come back and ask again."

This response became so common that I actually put it on my contact form on the site because I was so tired of copying and pasting it.

If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.

Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity— trust your partner to go off on their own, don't get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.

But trust goes much deeper than that. Because when you're really talking about the long-haul, you start to get into some serious life-or-death s---. If you ended up with cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week by themselves? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes?

These are hard things to do. And they're even harder to think about early on in a relationship. Trust at the beginning of a relationship is easy. It's like, "Oh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money … I think."

But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence.

There's an old Ben Folds song where he sings, "It seems to me if you cannot trust, you cannot be trusted." Distrust has a tendency to breed distrust. If your partner is always snooping through your stuff, accusing you of doing things you didn't do, and questioning all of your decisions, naturally, you will start to question their intentions as well — Why is she so insecure? What if she is hiding something herself?

The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:

• If something is bothering you, say something. This is important not only for addressing issues as they arise, but it proves to your partner that you have nothing to hide.
• Those icky, insecure things you hate sharing with people? Share them with your partner. Not only is it healing, but you and your partner need to have a good understanding of each other's insecurities and the way you each choose to compensate for them.
• Make promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild trust after it's been broken is through a proven track record over time. You cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes and set about correcting them.
• Learn to discern your partner's own shady behavior from your own insecurities (and vice-versa). This is hard and will likely require confrontation to get to the bottom of. But in most relationship fights, one person thinks something is completely "normal" and the other thinks it's really grade-A "f----- up." It's often extremely hard to distinguish who is being irrational and insecure and who is being reasonable and merely standing up for themselves. Be patient in rooting out what's what, and when it's your big, gnarly insecurity (and sometimes it will be, trust me), be honest about it. Own up to it. And strive to be better.

Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you do.

5. A healthy relationships means 2 healthy individuals

"Understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is NOT the job of your spouse. I am not saying you shouldn't do nice things for each other, or that your partner can't make you happy sometimes. I am just saying don't lay expectations on your partner to "make you happy." It is not their responsibility. Figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, be happy yourself, then you each bring that to the relationship."

– Mandy

A lot is made about "sacrifices" in a relationship. You are supposed to keep the relationship happy by consistently sacrificing yourself for your partner and their wants and needs.

There is some truth to that. Every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times.

But the problem is when all of the relationship's happiness is contingent on the other person and both people are in a constant state of sacrifice. Just read that again. That sounds horrible. It reminds me of an old Marilyn Manson song, "Shoot myself to love you; if I loved myself, I'd be shooting you." A relationship based on sacrifices cannot be sustained, and will eventually become damaging to both individuals in it.

"S-----, codependent relationships have an inherent stability because you're both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate the other person's bad behavior because they're tolerating yours, and neither of you wants to be alone. On the surface, it seems like "compromising in relationships because that's what people do," but the reality is that resentments build up, and both parties become the other person's emotional hostage against having to face and deal with their own bull---- (it took me 14 years to realize this, by the way)."

– Karen

A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. Keyword here: "individuals." That means two people with their ownidentities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time.

This is why attempting to control your partner (or submitting control over yourself to your partner) to make them "happy" ultimately backfires — it allows the individual identities of each person to be destroyed, the very identities that attracted each person and brought them together in the first place.

"Don't try to change them. This is the person you chose. They were good enough to marry so don't expect them to change now."

– Allison

"Don't ever give up who you are for the person you're with. It will only backfire and make you both miserable. Have the courage to be who you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are. Those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place."

– Dave

But how does one do this? Well, it's a bit counterintuitive. But it's something hundreds and hundreds of successful couples echoed in their emails …

6. Give each other space

"Be sure you have a life of your own, otherwise it is harder to have a life together. What do I mean? Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. Overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about and expose one another to. It helps to expand your horizons as a couple, but isn't so boring as both living the exact same life."

– Anonymous

Among the emails, one of the most popular themes was the importance of creating space and separation from one another.

People sung the praises of separate checking accounts, separate credit cards, having different friends and hobbies, taking separate vacations from one another each year (this has been a big one in my own relationship). Some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms or even separate bedrooms.

Some people are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. This comes from a lack of trust and/or insecurity that if we give our partner too much space, they will discover they don't want to be with us anymore. Generally, the more uncomfortable we are with our own worthiness in the relationship and to be loved, the more we will try to control the relationship and our partner's behaviors.

BUT, more importantly, this inability to let our partners be who they are, is a subtle form of disrespect. After all, if you can't trust your husband to have a simple golfing trip with his buddies, or you're afraid to let your wife go out for drinks after work, what does that say about your respect for their ability to handle themselves well? What does it say for your respect for yourself? I mean, after all, if you believe a couple after-work drinks is enough to steer your girlfriend away from you, you clearly don't think too highly of yourself.

"Going on seventeen years. If you love your partner enough you will let them be who they are, you don't own them, who they hang with, what they do or how they feel. Drives me nuts when I see women not let their husbands go out with the guys or are jealous of other women."

– Natalie

7. You and your partner will grow and change in unexpected ways

"Over the course of 20 years we both have changed tremendously. We have changed faiths, political parties, numerous hair colors and styles, but we love each other and possibly even more. Our grown kids constantly tell their friends what hopeless romantics we are. And the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not giving a f--- about what anyone else says about our relationship."

– Dotti

One theme that came up repeatedly, especially with those married 20+ years, was how much each individual changes as the decades roll on, and how ready each of you have to be to embrace the other partner as these changes occur. One reader commented that at her wedding, an elderly family member told her, "One day many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person, make sure you fall in love with that person too."

It logically follows that if there is a bedrock of respect for each individual's interest and values underpinning the relationship, and each individual is encouraged to foster their own growth and development, that each person will, as time goes on, evolve in different and unexpected ways. It's then up to the couple to communicate and make sure that they are consistently a) aware of the changes going on in their partner, and b) continually accepting and respecting those changes as they occur.

Now, you're probably reading this and thinking, "Sure, Bill likes sausage now, but in a few years he might prefer steak. I can get on board with that."

No, I'm talking some pretty serious life changes. Remember, if you're going to spend decades together, some really heavy s--- will hit (and break) the fan. Among major life changes people told me their marriages went through (and survived): changing religions, moving countries, death of family members (including children), supporting elderly family members, changing political beliefs, even changing sexual orientation and in a couple cases, gender identification.

Amazingly, these couples survived because their respect for each other allowed them to adapt and allow each person to continue to flourish and grow.

"When you commit to someone, you don't actually know who you're committing to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away."

– Michael

But this isn't easy, of course. In fact, at times, it will be downright soul-destroying.

Which is why you need to make sure you and your partner know how to fight.

8. Get good at fighting

"The relationship is a living, breathing thing. Much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. You have to fight. You have to hash things out. Obstacles make the marriage."

— Ryan Saplan

John Gottman is a hot-s--- psychologist and researcher who has spent over 30 years analyzing married couples and looking for keys to why they stick together and why they break up. Chances are, if you've read any relationship advice article before, you've either directly or indirectly been exposed to his work. When it comes to, "Why do people stick together?" he dominates the field.

What Gottman does is he gets married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to have a fight.

Notice: he doesn't ask them to talk about how great the other person is. He doesn't ask them what they like best about their relationship.

He asks them to fight. Pick something they're having problems with and talk about it for the camera.

And from simply analyzing the film for the couple's discussion (or shouting match, whatever), he's able to predict with startling accuracy whether a couple will divorce or not.

But what's most interesting about Gottman's research is that the things that lead to divorce are not necessarily what you think. Successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, he found, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously.

He has been able to narrow down four characteristics of a couple that tend to lead to divorces (or breakups). He has gone on and called these "the four horsemen" of the relationship apocalypse in his books. They are:

1. Criticizing your partner's character ("You're so stupid" vs "That thing you did was stupid.")
2. Defensiveness (or basically, blame shifting, "I wouldn't have done that if you weren't late all the time.")
3. Contempt (putting down your partner and making them feel inferior.)
4. Stonewalling (withdrawing from an argument and ignoring your partner.)

The reader emails back this up as well. Out of the 1,500-some-odd emails, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing with conflicts well.

Advice given by readers included:

• Never insult or name-call your partner. Put another way: hate the sin, love the sinner. Gottman's research found that "contempt"— belittling and demeaning your partner — is the number one predictor of divorce.
• Do not bring previous fights/arguments into current ones. This solves nothing and just makes the fight twice as bad as it was before. Yeah, you forgot to pick up groceries on the way home, but what does him being rude to your mother last Thanksgiving have to do with anything?
• If things get too heated, take a breather. Remove yourself from the situation and come back once emotions have cooled off a bit. This is a big one for me personally, sometimes when things get intense with my wife, I get overwhelmed and just leave for a while. I usually walk around the block 2-3 times and let myself seethe for about 15 minutes. Then I come back and we're both a bit calmer and we can resume the discussion with a much more conciliatory tone.
• Remember that being "right" is not as important as both people feeling respected and heard. You may be right, but if you are right in such a way that makes your partner feel unloved, then there's no real winner.

But all of this takes for granted another important point: be willing to fight in the first place.

I think when people talk about the necessity for "good communication" all of the time (a vague piece of advice that everyone says but few people seem to actually clarify what it means), this is what they mean: be willing to have the uncomfortable talks. Be willing to have the fights. Say the ugly things and get it all out in the open.

This was a constant theme from the divorced readers. Dozens (hundreds?) of them had more or less the same sad story to tell:

"But there's no way on God's Green Earth this is her fault alone. There were times when I saw huge red flags. Instead of trying to figure out what in the world was wrong, I just plowed ahead. I'd buy more flowers, or candy, or do more chores around the house. I was a "good" husband in every sense of the word. But what I wasn't doing was paying attention to the right things. She wasn't telling me there wasn't a problem but there was. And instead of saying something, I ignored all of the signals."

– Jim

9. Get good at forgiving

"When you end up being right about something – shut up. You can be right and be quiet at the same time. Your partner will already know you're right and will feel loved knowing that you didn't wield it like a bastard sword."

– Brian

"In marriage, there's no such thing as winning an argument."

– Bill

To me, perhaps the most interesting nugget from Gottman's research is the fact that most successful couples don't actually resolve all of their problems. In fact, his findings were completely backwards from what most people actually expect: people in lasting and happy relationships have problems that never completely go away, while couples that feel as though they need to agree and compromise on everything end up feeling miserable and falling apart.

To me, like everything else, this comes back to the respect thing. If you have two different individuals sharing a life together, it's inevitable that they will have different values and perspectives on some things and clash over it. The key here is not changing the other person — as the desire to change your partner is inherently disrespectful (to both them and yourself) — but rather it's to simply abide by the difference, love them despite it, and when things get a little rough around the edges, to forgive them for it.

"Everyone says that compromise is key, but that's not how my husband and I see it. It's more about seeking understanding. Compromise is bulls---, because it leaves both sides unsatisfied, losing little pieces of themselves in an effort to get along. On the other hand, refusing to compromise is just as much of a disaster, because you turn your partner into a competitor ("I win, you lose"). These are the wrong goals, because they're outcome-based rather than process-based. When your goal is to find out where your partner is coming from – to truly understand on a deep level – you can't help but be altered by the process. Conflict becomes much easier to navigate because you see more of the context."

– Michelle

I've written for years that the key to happiness is not achieving your lofty dreams, or experiencing some dizzying high, but rather finding the struggles and challenges that you enjoy enduring.

A similar concept seems to be true in relationships: your perfect partner is not someone who creates no problems in the relationship, rather your perfect partner is someone who creates problems in the relationship that you feel good about dealing with.

But how do you get good at forgiving? What does that actually mean? Again, some advice from the readers:

• When an argument is over, it's over. Some couples went as far as to make this the golden rule in their relationship. When you're done fighting, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong, it doesn't matter if someone was mean and someone was nice. It's over. It's in the past. And you both agree to leave it there, not bring it up every month for the next three years.
• There's no scoreboard. No one is trying to "win" here. There's no, "You owe me this because you screwed up the laundry last week." There's no, "I'm always right about financial stuff, so you should listen to me." There's no, "I bought her three gifts and she only did me one favor." Everything in the relationship is given and done unconditionally — that is: without expectation or manipulation.
• When your partner screws up, you separate the intentions from the behavior. You recognize the things you love and admire in your partner and understand that he/she was simply doing the best that they could, yet messed up out of ignorance. Not because they're a bad person. Not because they secretly hate you and want to divorce you. Not because there's somebody else in the background pulling them away from you. They are a good person. That's why you are with them. If you ever lose your faith in that, then you will begin to erode your faith in yourself.

And finally, pick your battles wisely. You and your partner only have so many f---- to give, make sure you both are saving them for the real things that matter.

"Been happily married 40+ years. One piece of advice that comes to mind: choose your battles. Some things matter, worth getting upset about. Most do not. Argue over the little things and you'll find yourself arguing endlessly; little things pop up all day long, it takes a toll over time. Like Chinese water torture: minor in the short term, corrosive over time. Consider: is this a little thing or a big thing? Is it worth the cost of arguing?"

– Fred

10. The little things add up to big things

"If you don't take the time to meet for lunch, go for a walk or go out to dinner and a movie with some regularity then you basically end up with a roommate. Staying connected through life's ups and downs is critical. Eventually your kids grow up, your obnoxious brother-in-law will join a monastery and your parents will die. When that happens, guess who's left? You got it … Mr./Mrs. Right! You don't want to wake up 20 years later and be staring at a stranger because life broke the bonds you formed before the s---storm started. You and your partner need to be the eye of the hurricane."

– Brian

Of the 1,500 responses I got, I'd say about half of them mentioned at some point or another one simple but effective piece of advice: Don't ever stop doing the little things. They add up.

Things as simple as saying, "I love you," before going to bed, holding hands during a movie, doing small favors here and there, helping with some household chores. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat (seriously, someone said that) — these things all matter and add up over the long run.

The same way Fred, married for 40+ years, stated above that arguing over small things consistently wears you both down, "like Chinese water torture," so do the little favors and displays of affection add up. Don't lose them.

This seems to become particularly important once kids enter the picture. The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: put the marriage first.

"Children are worshipped in our culture these days. Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. Good kids don't make a good marriage. A good marriage makes good kids. So keep your marriage the top priority."

– Susan

Readers implored to maintain regular "date nights," to plan weekend getaways and to make time for sex, even when you're tired, even when you're stressed and exhausted and the baby is crying, even when junior has soccer practice at 5:30 a.m. the next day. Make time for it. It's worth it.

Oh, and speaking of sex …

11. Sex matters ... a lot

"And you know how you know if you or her are slipping? Sex starts to slide. Period. No other test required."

– Anonymous

I still remember back in college, it was one of my first relationships with a cute little redhead. We were young and naive and crazy about each other. And, because we happened to live in the same dorm, we were banging like rabbits.

It was everything a 19-year-old male could ask for.

Then after a month or two, we hit our first "rough patch" in the relationship. We fought more often, found ourselves getting annoyed with each other, and suddenly our multiple-times-per-day habit magically dried up. And it wasn't just with her, but with me. To my surprised adolescent male mind, it was actually possible to have sex available to you yet not want it.

It was almost, like, sex was connected to emotions. For a dumb 19-year-old, this was a complete shocker.

That was the first time I discovered a truth about relationships: sex is the State of the Union. If the relationship is good, the sex will be good. You both will be wanting it and enjoying it. When the relationship is bad — when there are unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions — then the sex will often be the first thing to go out the window.

This was reiterated to me hundreds of times in the emails. The nature of the sex itself varied quite a bit among couples — some couples take sexual experimentation seriously, others are staunch believers in frequency, others get way into fantasies — but the underlying principle was the same everywhere: both partners should be sexually satisfied as often as possible.

But sex not only keeps the relationship healthy, many readers suggested that they use it to heal their relationships. That when things are a bit frigid between them or that they have some problems going on, a lot of stress, or other issues (i.e., kids), they even go so far as to schedule sexy time for themselves. They say it's important. And it's worth it.

A few people even said that when things start to feel stale in the relationship, they agree to have sex every day for a week. Then, as if by magic, by the next week, they feel great again.

Cue the Marvin Gaye tunes.

12. Be practical and create relationship rules

"There is no 50/50 in housecleaning, child rearing, vacation planning, dishwasher emptying, gift buying, dinner making, money making, etc. The sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is. We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life."

– Liz

Everyone has an image in their mind of how a relationship should work. Both people share responsibilities. Both people manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves. Both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together. Both take turns cleaning the toilet and pleasuring each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at Thanksgiving (although not all at the same time).

Then there's how relationships actually work.

Messy. Stressful. Miscommunication flying everywhere so that both of you feel as though you're in a perpetual state of talking to a wall.

The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it's for the simple reason that they're comprised of imperfect, messy people — people who want different things at different times in different ways and oh, they forgot to tell you? Well, maybe if you had been listening, a------.

The common theme of the advice here was be pragmatic. If the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours at the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, it makes more sense for him to handle most of the day-to-day parenting duties. If the wife's standard of cleanliness looks like a "Home & Garden" catalog, and the husband has gone six months without even noticing the light fixture hanging from the ceiling, then it makes sense that the wife handles more of the home cleaning duties.

It's economics 101: division of labor makes everyone better off. Figure out what you are each good at, what you each love/hate doing, and then arrange accordingly. My wife loves cleaning (no, seriously), but she hates smelly stuff. So guess who gets dishes and garbage duty? Me. Because I don't give a f---. I'll eat off the same plate seven times in a row. I couldn't smell a dead rat even if it was sleeping under my pillow. I'll toss garbage around all day. Here honey, let me get that for you.

On top of that, many couples suggested laying out rules for the relationship. This sounds cheesy, but ultimately, it's practical. To what degree will you share finances? How much debt will be taken on or paid off? How much can each person spend without consulting the other? What purchases should be done together or do you trust each other to do separately? How do you decide which vacations to go on?

Have meetings about this stuff. Sure, it's not sexy or cool, but it needs to get done. You're sharing a life together and so you need to plan and account for each person's needs and resources.

One person even said that she and her husband have "annual reviews" every year. She immediately told me not to laugh, but that she was serious. They have annual reviews where they discuss everything that's going on in the household that they like and don't like and what they can do in the coming year to change it.

This sort of stuff sounds lame but it's what keeps couples in touch with what's going on with each other. And because they always have their fingers on the pulse of each other's needs, they're more likely to grow together rather than grow apart.

13. Learn to ride the waves

"I have been married for 44 years (4 children, 6 grandchildren). I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you're screaming at each other. It's like a roller-coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough the downs become less severe and the ups are more loving and contented. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference."

– Chris

Out of the hundreds of analogies I saw these past few weeks, one stuck with me. A nurse emailed saying that she used to work with a lot of geriatric patients. And one day she was talking to a man in his late 80s about marriage and why his had lasted so long. The man said something like, "relationships exist as waves, people need to learn how to ride them."

Upon asking him to explain, he said that, like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups and downs — some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money.

Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.

"Two years ago, I suddenly began resenting my wife for any number of reasons. I felt as if we were floating along, doing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, but not sustaining a real connection. It deteriorated to the point that I considered separating from her; however, whenever I gave the matter intense thought, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. I knew her to be an amazing person, mother, and friend. I bit my tongue a lot and held out hope that the malaise would p as suddenly as it had arrived. Fortunately, it did and I love her more than ever. So the final bit of wisdom is to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If you have been happy for such a long period, that is the case for good reason. Be patient and focus on the many aspects of her that still exist that caused you to fall in love in the first place."

– Kevin

I'd like to take a moment to thank all of the readers who took the time to write something and send it to me. As always, it was humbling to see all of the wisdom and life experience out there. There were many, many, many excellent responses, with kind, heartfelt advice. It was hard to choose the ones that ended up here, and in many cases, I could have put a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing.

Exercises like this always amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice on something, you expect to receive thousands of different answers. But in both cases now, the vast majority of the advice has largely been the same. It shows you how similar we really are. And how no matter how bad things may get, we are never as alone as we think.

I would end this by summarizing the advice in one tidy section. But once again, a reader named Margo did it far better than I ever could. So we'll end with Margo:

"You can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life … do not forget the love that produced them. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Spouse comes first. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. Don't think that the other one will hold the relationship together. Both of you should assume it's up to you so that you are both working on it. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Go to counseling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. Disagree with respect to each other's feelings. Be open to change and accepting of differences. Print this and refer to it daily."

Like this article? Read my book! It’s called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F---: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life."

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The INSIDER Summary:

• Communication is important throughout a relationship.
• Stay independent with your own hobbies and interests.
• In a relationship, quality over quantity of time still holds true.

If you're in a long-term relationship— or just a serious relationship — and things are going well, then you probably wish that they'll always be that way. In fact, if you've been with someone a long time it can be difficult to imagine what would happen if things go wrong between you. It's not unusual to worry about these things and to wonder how you can always keep your relationship strong.

"My mother, my first and most prominent mentor, used to say, 'Smart people don't get bored, they get curious,' which aligns with zen psychotherapy,"zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. "A Buddhist mind is a curious mind." So you need to start thinking about what you love about your relationship, about what makes your relationship tick, and the best way to safeguard that for the future. Because the best offensive is a good defensive — before problems in your relationship start, you can make sure your relationship is strong enough to deal with them. Hell, it might keep some problems from coming up at all.

The truth is, there's never a guarantee. But there are steps you can take to make your relationship much stronger. Strong enough to deal with anything that comes your way. So here are seven ways to bulletproof your relationship, because complacency is a relationship killer:

1. Nip Boredom In The Bud

Boredom and complacency have this horrible inertia which means that, once they hit, it's easy to get stuck in them for a long time. So at the first signs of boredom, take action. "Plan something together,"life coach Kali Rogers Kali Rogers tells Bustle. "Just like people need promotions in their work in order to feel challenged and rewarded, couples need to feel that same adrenaline rush in a relationship." Plan something, try something new, whatever works for you— just make the effort.

2. Keep Your Communication Game Strong

And it's not just about being honest, although that's obviously important, it's about active listening. Couples who are active listeners fare way better in the long haul. "[They] listen to what their partner says, rather than get defensive without understanding the partner’s point of view or where they’re coming from," Janet Zinn, a New York City–based couples therapist, tells Bustle. As soon as your partner feels you're not really listening, resentment, and distance can build.

3. Touch Base

You might assume that you know each other so well that you can tell when things are OK or not. Don't be so sure. Touching base is crucial. Sure, about your relationship generally, but also just throughout the day. "Couples try to get each other’s attention throughout the day, whether it’s for support, conversation, interest, play, affirmation, feeling connected or for affection,” relationship coach and therapistAnita Chlipala tells Bustle. “Each of these moments is an opportunity to connect with your partner. A person should look for someone who responds to them, or at least acknowledges them when they try to get their attention, because it shows that they are meeting your emotional needs —or at least trying to.”

4. Stay Independent

Not only do you need to have time to have separate hobbies, interest, and lives, don't forget to make time just for you. “Taking time for ourselves may seem selfish, as though we're avoiding our partner,” clinical hypnotherapist, author and educator Rachel Astarte, who offers transformational coaching for individuals and couples at Healing Arts New York, tells Bustle.

“In reality, brief periods of solitude recharge our soul batteries and allow us to give even more to our partners and to the relationship itself.” Being alone makes you a stronger half of a relationship, not a weaker one.

5. Get In Time With Friends And Family

Spending time with your friends and family isn't just fun, it's nourishing. In fact, especially if you're a straight woman, spending time with your girlfriends gives you something that you just don't get in your relationship. "It's a social thing – a gender role that our culture has perpetuated," Erika Martinez, Psy.D., licensed psychologist from Envision Wellness tells Bustle. "A lot of times, women are taught to give and to nurture. There is this underlying, unspoken concept from previous generations that you shortchange your husband and your family if you practice self-care. But that idea is changing. Women are realizing they become better mothers, wives, employees, etc. if they do this for themselves."

6. Quality Time Over Quantity Of Time

Especially if you've been together a long time, you may be guilty of the relationship zone-out. Whether it's 'phubbing'— ignoring your partner for your phone — or just existing together rather than really being together, it can be a problem. While you should be able to be silent and relaxed with your partner, you need quality time too. Make sure you're getting time for date nights, shared activities, and really spending time togethe

7. Keep Flirting

Flirting is so important in a relationship, for a lot of reasons. "Couples who stop flirting are couples who stop anticipating," Certified Relationship Coach Chris Armstrong tells Bustle. "Things go blasé and what was once an unpredictable stroll is now an expected lull." Firstly, it keeps the sexual energy going— and a healthy, long term relationship needs a healthy sex life. But even more than the sex side, it helps you be playful and keep the spark alive with each other, which shouldn't disappear just because you've been in a relationship for a long time. A healthy flirt will help your sex life and your connection.

You can't guarantee that you and you partner will be happy forever, but there are steps you can take to bulletproof your relationship. Keep these them in mind during disagreements and you'll be in a much better place to tackle everything that comes your way.

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Several months ago, we polled more than 500 women and found that when it came to dating, heterosexual women were oftentimes coupling off with partners who make significantly more money than them.

So we decided to start a series where we asked women with salaries much lower than their partners to share how they deal with money. In part two of our series, we interview Liz, a 30-year-old writer in Brooklyn with a salary of $80,000. Her boyfriend's salary? $160,000.

Tell me about your relationship. How long have you two been dating?

"I met my boyfriend about five years ago. We met on OkCupid and we've been living together for about a year."

How did the two of you handle money in the early stages of your relationship?

"Because of the way we met, we just split things. It wasn't like he asked me out and I said yes; we mutually went out. It never bothered me. In fact, I preferred it. Sometimes, he would treat me to dinner or I would treat him, but it felt very balanced."

Have things changed from the beginning?

"Well, when we first started dating, we were more on the same page, money-wise. It's changed a lot since then, especially in the last year or so. His salary has increased at a more rapid rate compared to mine."

Was there a moment when you realized, 'Oh, he's making much more than me'?

"I remember last Christmas, or two Christmases ago, our gifts to each other just started changing. He bought me a really nice bag and I think I bought him pajama pants. He was totally psyched about the pajama pants, but I felt so weird about having this bag that I couldn't afford to buy myself. It never bothered him — he was like, 'I have money, and I want to give you this thing' — but it bothered me a lot. I could feel the imbalance even then."

Can you talk about why it bothered you?

"I guess I'm just very aware of feeling like a kept woman, because I did survive on my own for a very, very long time. I moved to New York when I was 22, with $300, and I waitressed and interned full-time. I know how to do that, I've done it, and now I'm at a point where I don't have a low income, but still, compared to him, it's not as much."

How did you react to his increase in expendable income at first?

"It's hard if one person has enough money to live a certain lifestyle, and another person has money for a different kind of lifestyle. Like when he ordered Seamless, I wasn't going to be sitting next to him on the couch eating instant ramen. And if he wanted to go out to dinner, it was hard for me to say, 'I can't go out to dinner.' So it was easier to hide it, go out, and then when I was alone, eat eggs for dinner. I didn't want him to know that I couldn't afford it.

"So when he first started making a lot more money than I did, I opened a credit card, because I wanted so badly to not rely on him pay for stuff. I racked up a bunch of debt, like, $2,000, and I ended up just cutting it up. I paid it off, but I think I needed a bit of reality check."

Have you two started talking about it more or being more transparent about when you can afford something?

"I've gotten a lot more comfortable with it, and I think he understands my feelings better now, the fact that I need to pay for things sometimes. When we go on vacation, he'll ask me what I can afford. If he buys the plane tickets, I'll pay for the dinners, so it feels like I'm contributing. I'm not saying I accept gifts all the time, but if he does offer to pick up the check, when I can't afford to split it, I let him do that. But I would never accept money from him. If I had a dentist bill, which I need to split up into payments, I would never let him pay for that."

What about if you get married?

"That's something I've thought about. I think it would just depend on if we merge our finances or not. Because then, it would all feel the same, I guess. Hopefully, I just make a lot more money. I've found myself taking on more and more freelance work; it's not a bad thing, because it's what I enjoy doing. But I feel like I wouldn't run after opportunities that involve making more money if it weren't for the fact that he's chasing it, too."

How do you two handle paying for things now?

"For rent, I pay a little bit less than him. He pays for utilities, but I usually pay for the groceries. If we go out to dinner, we'll usually split it. Or say we do dinner and drinks, I'll pick up drinks and he'll pick up dinner. Big purchases, he generally pays for — if we go to a wedding, the hotel, flight, wedding gift, that kind of stuff. Things that would significantly hurt the way I spend money throughout the month. By now, it's almost an unspoken thing for us, where he can sense if I don't have a lot of money, but it's still something I think about a lot more than he does."

Have other things changed since you moved in together?

"Our lives are so intertwined now. I do things for him that aren't financial, but are on the same level. Like, I'll cook and he cleans, or vice versa. If you take away the stigma of money, it's just about supporting each other in different ways. And now, we're a lot better at communicating about it. Like if he wants to go someplace for dinner and I get the sense it's racking up, it's his decision. Sometimes, we'll still go out, or sometimes he'll say, 'Let's go home.'"

What about spending habits? I find that I buy more expensive foods from the grocery store when I'm cooking for two.

"I know. I think I had avocado toast for dinner at least three nights a week when I lived alone. But once, I made him avocado toast and he was like, 'This isn’t dinner.'"

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. This is part two of a series, Not A Trophy Wife, examining how women feel about money — especially when they make less than their partners.

Check out more Money Diaries on Refinery29!

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Perhaps you and your partner found yourself in a romantic rut in 2016.

It could be that you bickered over which presidential candidate to support. It could be that one of you was working long hours and left the other person feeling neglected.

Or, it could simply be that you've been together a long time now, and the spark has seemingly faded.

The good news: It's possible to recover from any of these situations. The less-good news: You'll have to work at it.

Up for the challenge? Awesome.

Over the past year or so, Business Insider has shared many research findings and expert insights on how to develop a great relationship. Below, we've rounded up the most compelling of that advice.

Whether you've been married for decades or just moved in together, you'll be able to apply at least some of these tips to your 2017 romantic life.

1. Show gratitude for your partner

As Business Insider's Erin Brodwin has reported, couples who express gratitude toward each other are more likely to stay together. In fact, thanking your partner even once can bring you two closer months later.

That's possibly because a single act of gratitude sparks a cycle of gratitude and generosity: You thank your partner, so your partner feels appreciated and invests more in the relationship, which in turn makes you feel more grateful to them.

Meanwhile, in the 2015 book "The Gratitude Diaries," journalist Janice Kaplan describes how being thankful to her husband — for something as mundane as fixing a leaky faucet or driving home from a party — meaningfully improved her relationship.

2. Occasionally remind your partner of all the ways you contribute to the relationship

There's a concept called "operational transparency" that businesses can use to improve customer satisfaction. The idea is to show customers how much work goes into delivering the product or service.

For example, while you're waiting for the available flights to appear on the screen, a flight aggregation website will tell you exactly which airline databases it's searching. So you can see the amount of effort it's putting in.

On an episode of The James Altucher podcast, behavioral economist Dan Ariely argued that you can apply these findings to the science of relationships. Simply tell your partner (once in a while — not all the time) about your day full of errands: the drugstore, the supermarket, picking up the kids from school, and so on.

Knowing what you've contributed when they weren't looking, it will be harder for your partner to take you for granted.

3. Before you get married, talk about your individual career ambitions

For her 2016 book "Earning It," Joann Lublin, who is management news editor at The Wall Street Journal, interviewed dozens of high-powered women.

Some women had partners with equally high-powered careers, and Lublin learned that the only way for both to succeed was to sit down and have a conversation about it— before things got really serious.

In the book, Lublin shares how she and her husband, also a journalist, signed a "marriage contract" years ago, in which they agreed that they would alternate who took the lead in any relocation for a job. It's not a panacea for marital discord — but it can prevent a lot of frustration down the line.

4. Practice 'mindful conversation'

"Mindful conversation" isn't designed to help romantic couples, per se — but it's a useful exercise in learning to actually listen to what your partner is saying, instead of tuning out or waiting for your chance to jump in.

You can practice with your partner or with someone else. Here's how it works (one of you can be "A" and the other can be "B"):

• A talks and B listens for a set time period.
• B responds with, "What I heard you say is …"
• A gives feedback and B responds until A is satisfied.
• A and B switch roles. 

It might be awkward at first, but it gets easier over time.

5. Look outside your relationship for additional sources of fulfillment

Recent research by the psychologist Eli Finkel suggests that our expectations for American marriage have changed drastically in the last two centuries or so.

As Business Insider's Jessica Orwig has reported, Finkel and his colleagues call the modern partnership the "suffocation model" of marriage because we expect so much from our relationship — love, companionship, and personal fulfillment, just to name a few things.

Finkel recommends looking outside your marriage for additional sources of personal fulfillment, like friends, hobbies, and work. That way, you're not placing all your demands on your partner, and potentially setting yourself up for disappointment.

6. Try something new with your partner

Research suggests that couples who try new things together are more satisfied with their relationships. 

For example, in 1993, psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues published a study that found married couples who spent time jointly doing new and exciting activities — like hiking or dancing — were more satisfied with their relationships than couples who did routine activities together or who didn't change anything.

It's a reminder that relationships take work, and that boredom isn't necessarily a bad thing if it's a sign that you need to spice things up a little.

7. Share your beliefs about money with your partner

Money problems in a relationship are rarely just about money — and resolving them often requires going deep into each other's emotional lives.

According to Don Cloud, president and founder of Cloud Financial Inc., it's important to share with your partner your beliefs about money, and let them share theirs. Maybe one of you believe it should be used for happiness, while the other thinks it should be used only for necessities.

Armed with knowledge of each other's beliefs and feelings, which are ultimately driving your financial behavior, you'll be in a better position to reach a compromise.

8. Divide chores equitably between you and your partner

This might seem like an obvious one — but it's important.

Over 60% of Americans in one poll said that taking care of chores plays a crucial role in having a successful marriage.

Interestingly, one study found that each member of a couple tends to overestimate how much of the housework they do, so that the total adds up to more than 100%.

"It's Not You, It's the Dishes" coauthor Paula Szuchman recommends a system where each person specializes in the chores they're best at.

"If you really are better at the dishes than remembering to call the in-laws, then that should be your job," she writes. "It'll take you less time than it'll take him, and it'll take him less time to have a quick chat with mom than it would take you, which means in the end, you've saved quite a bit of collective time."

SEE ALSO: 15 relationship facts everybody should know before getting married

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Finding the right partner can be challenging at the best of times. To make things more complicated, psychologists believe that we might be more suited to each other depending on the order in which we were born.

According to psychologist Kevin Leman in his book "The New Birth Order Book: Why You are the Way You are," birth order can influence the health of a partnership. Leman references a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family that evaluated the relationship quality of 236 business executives and their partners based on birth order combinations. The distinct traits associated with different birth orders, some of which are outlined in 2003 study in Human Nature, can serve as a gauge for whether or not two people will make a good match.

Using Leman's book and the previous studies, we've identified the best (and worst) mates based on birth order. Remember, this is only a general guide and not all marriages and individuals will follow this pattern.

If you are a firstborn...

Best match: Lastborn

Worst match: Another firstborn

According to a study by Walter Toman, a professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Erlangen-Nuremberg in Germany, on 3,000 families, you have pretty good odds of a successful marriage if you're a firstborn who marries a lastborn. Leman says that is because there's an opposites-attract thing going on.

The firstborn is more Type A, and teaches the lastborn little things about organisation, whereas the lastborn helps keep the atmosphere light and reminds the firstborn not to take everything so seriously.

According to the study, the best possible match is a firstborn female with a lastborn male, because their needs are in harmony with each other.

A firstborn with another firstborn, Leman writes, is likely to be a power struggle. They tend to bump heads because firstborns can be perfectionists and like having things done their own way, so it's all a matter of control.

That doesn't mean you're doomed from the start, though. For example, Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been married 41 years, are both firstborns.

To learn to let go, Leman writes that you should stop trying to improve your spouse, and instead bite your tongue and stop criticising. He also says that you should define your roles carefully, so there's no power play over who pays the bills or who does the shopping.

Firstborn-middle child relationships can be confusing for firstborns, because middle children can be closed off and bad at communicating their feelings. Leman says that these couples should learn to open up to each other more, and firstborns should encourage middle children to speak by asking things like: "What do you think?""Tell me how you really feel," or "Tell me more."

If you are a middle child...

Best match: lastborn

Worst match: Another middle child

As the rule goes, Leman says, middle children do not communicate well, and this is twice as bad in a middle child partnership. They don't tend to confront each other about things, because they feel it isn't worth the hassle, and instead bottle up their emotions.

Middle children supposedly have the best track record for building a lasting marriage, because they grow up learning to compromise and negotiate with their siblings, according to Leman. However, this can be confusing to their partners because middle children can often hide their emotions instead of talking about what they really feel.

To ease the tension, Leman says that a suggestion bowl can work well. Or, to keep things simple, just find little ways of building up each others' self-esteem by doing special things for each other. It's also important to make sure to give each other plenty of space for outside friendships and to show each other a lot of mutual respect, like phoning to say if you're running late.

Middle child-lastborn couples are a pretty good match. Leman says that a compromising middle child tends to make a good partner for lastborns who are usually socially outgoing. They also have good communication, because middle children are not threatened by lastborns, so their communication problems aren't so much of an issue.

There is a risk of middleborns being condescending, so Leman says to be wary of that. Also, it is important to realise that lastborns have a selfish streak and can be demanding. The general rule, Leman says, is to not make fun at your spouse's expense; always laugh with your mate not at him or her.

If you are a lastborn...

Best match: firstborn

Worst match: Another lastborn

Two lastborns in a relationship is chaos. Lastborns have a tendency to get into financial trouble in a marriage, and it takes a lot of extra effort in this kind of relationship to work through who pays bills, who cleans up, who takes care of the social calendar, etc. If no firm decisions are made, lastborn pairs can quickly get into a lot of trouble.

According to Leman, lastborns have a built-in tendency to pass the buck. So if both partners are hellbent on blaming each other for everything, that's not going to end well.

To help ensure this doesn't happen, Leman suggests being wary of selective listening, and to make sure you're not manipulating each other. You should also hold each other accountable for things and avoid being defensive. Most importantly, keep your sense of humour and try to stay laid back, which are lastborns' natural qualities anyway.

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Although fewer young people are getting married today than ever before, research suggests that getting and staying married is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

As the New York Times concluded, "being married makes people happier and more satisfied with their lives than those who remain single — particularly during the most stressful periods, like midlife crises."

Drake Baer contributed to this story.

SEE ALSO: 8 ways to be happier in your relationship this year

A 2014 University of Pennsylvania study found that Americans who cohabitate or get married at age 18 have a 60% divorce rate. 

But people who waited until 23 to make either of those commitments had a divorce rate around 30%.

"All of the literature explained that the reason people who married younger were more likely to divorce was because they were not mature enough to pick appropriate partners," the Atlantic reports.

The honeymoon phase with its "high levels of passionate love" and "intense feelings of attraction and ecstasy, as well as an idealization of one's partner," doesn't last forever. 

According to a 2005 study by the University of Pavia in Italy, it lasts about a year. 

Once you start living together, you realize that you have different priorities and tolerances — like, for instance, what does or doesn't constitute a mess. 

"People have to come to terms with the reality that 'we really are different people,'"says couples therapist Ellyn Bader. "'You are different from who I thought you were or wanted you to be. We have different ideas, different feelings, different interests.'"

It's a stressful — and necessary — evolution. 

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