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2 college students who have been messaging on Tinder for 3 years finally met on national TV — and it was adorable

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Tinder baes

The INSIDER Summary:

  •  Two Ohio students who had been messaging for three years on Tinder finally met on "Good Morning America."
  • They gained national attention through a viral tweet and now Tinder is sending them to Hawaii. 
  • They said they're going to take it slow and not rush into a relationship with each other. 


A few weeks ago, a tweet went viral showing a conversation between Kent State University students Josh Avsec and Michelle Arendas who had been messaging on Tinder for three years, but had not gone on a date. 

Now, shortly before they're set to go on vacation together, Avsec and Arendas have finally met. And it all went down on TV. 

For those who may not have heard, Avsec tweeted a screenshot earlier this month about his long and hilarious Tinder conversation with Arendas, in which they both joked that they've been "busy" after not replying to each other for months at a time. Arendas said she was "stubborn" and could not let the joke die, and neither could Avsec, so it went on for three years. 

Avsec's tweet went viral, prompting many to encourage the two to meet up. Tinder got word of the tweet and offered to send the two anywhere they wanted to go on vacation in order to finally meet. They chose Maui, Hawaii.

Before that trip though, "Good Morning America" arranged for the pair to meet live on their show. But since it's TV, they didn't let them off easy. Hosts Michael Strahan and Lara Spencer put them through a set of traditional dating show questions to learn more about each other.

They found out that they both love potato chips and the show "The Office" (who doesn't?) before the barriers finally lifted and they saw each other.  

Tinder Baes

Their first meeting was awkward but adorable to be sure, with Avsec going beet red as they hugged it out. 

While America may have high hopes for the two as a couple, Arendas said that they're going to take things as they come and enjoy getting to know each other first before they jump into anything. 

"We waited three years to send each other 10 messages so I think we need more than 30 minutes to be able to answer that question effectively," she said. "But I dunno, I guess we'll see in the next few weeks."
 
"My only expectation is to enjoy our trip and enjoy getting to know each other," she continued. "I can absolutely not wait to be on the beach."

Only time will tell if these two lovebirds have what it takes to make it, but it's safe to say that this will be one hell of a first date to compete with. 

Watch the full video below via YouTube: 

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NOW WATCH: This girl showed up to Tinder dates in a wedding dress


21 real couples reveal how they keep the spark alive in their relationship

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Anyone who's in a relationship wants to know the secret recipe to making their love last. And while everyone's relationship is different, there is something to be learned from those who have managed to keep the spark alive for years or even decades. 

INSIDER asked real people in real relationships what they do to keep their partnerships exciting and healthy. Their advice was heartwarming, informative, and, at times, surprising. 

Be adventurous.

It's important to take risks with your partner to keep things interesting, said Ellanore Holbrook, who has been with her partner Nick for over two years.

"Be adventurous together and push one another to try new things!" she told me. "It's scary but you always have the support of the other person to push you!"



Spend time alone.

It may sound counter-intuitive but Amy Bryne, who has been married to her husband Killian for three years, said that time spent without your partner is key to making it last. 

"Time spent apart!" she said. "Killian's been gone almost four months and I'm quite ready to have him back like NOW."

This advice was echoed by so many people I spoke to, so it seems to stay together, you must be apart sometimes. 



Make a big move.

Going through something big was key to cementing Renée Hagerty's two-year relationship to her partner Adam.

"When in doubt, move across the country together," she said. "It sounds dramatic, but it boils down to choosing to face risks together. Every time we are faced with a difficult choice, we pick what scares us most and grow through it."



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

The real reason why psychopaths are so good at lying

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Psychopaths lie.

While that's typically not the only characteristic of someone with antisocial personality disorder — the umbrella term the National Institutes for Health uses to define psychopathy — it is recognizedglobally as a major red flag.

It was previously assumed that people with antisocial personality disorder were natural-born liars — that something about the way their brains are wired made them inherently better at deceiving those around them. But a small new study suggests that's not the case. Instead, it appears that people who score highly on so-called "psychopathic traits," such as impulsive behavior and a lack of remorse, may actually be better at learning to lie than people who don't.

"The stark contrasts between individuals with [and without] these traits ... are quite shocking,"Tatia Lee, a neuropsychologist at the University of Hong Kong and one of the lead authors on the paper, told Business Insider.

The new study, published July 25 in the journal Translational Psychiatry, involved 52 college students — roughly half of whom showed low levels of psychopathic traits and half of whom showed high levels of those traits. Lee and fellow University of Hong Kong researcher Robin Shao had the students look at photographs of friends and strangers. When asked whether they knew the person in the photo, the participants were given a cue to either lie or tell the truth. During the exercise, the researchers measured how long it took them to respond and used fMRI technology to look at their brain activity.

The students were subsequently given a computer training designed to teach them to lie faster, then were asked to repeat the photo exercise.

The lie-training seemed to change their performance remarkably — when the students with high levels of psychopathic traits were instructed to lie, they did so much faster than the students with low levels of the traits. The students with low levels of psychopathic traits, on the other hand, performed about the same before and after the training.

In addition to being able to lie faster, students with high levels of psychopathic traits also appeared to do so with less cognitive effort, judging by the fMRI scan data. Lee said this could suggest that for psychopaths lying is more like a skill that can be learned — and learned fast.

"The results are very impressive since first, all participants were mentally healthy ... students with comparable gender and age compositions and second, no lying performance difference was observed at all prior to training between the high- and low-psychopathic groups," Lee said.

It's important to keep in mind that the study was small and exclusive to college students at one university. Nevertheless, the finding sheds some light on the mechanisms behind one of the most enduring questions about people with antisocial personality disorder.

"Our findings, for the first time, suggest that ... individuals with higher psychopathic tendency may not have a ‘natural’ capacity to lie better, but rather show better ‘trainability’ of lying," Lee said.

In other words, they might simply learn to lie better.

SEE ALSO: Why psychopaths cannot love their own children, according to a psychologist

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NOW WATCH: Here's the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath

'The Bachelorette' ending may have just been spoiled — and people are not happy about it

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The INSIDER Summary:

  • Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay's friend may have just inadvertently spoiled who wins this season of the show. 
  • She did so by revealing where Lindsay's engagement party will be held. 
  • People are steamed. 
  • Warning: Potential spoilers ahead for the end of "The Bachelorette" season 13.


We're just a few weeks away from knowing the winner of this season of "The Bachelorette," but someone close to season 13 star Rachel Lindsay may have just spoiled who she ends up with. 

Former "Bachelor" contestant and current friend of Lindsay's, Astrid Loch, spoke to Entertainment Tonight about the upcoming finale and Lindsay's plans to have multiple engagement parties. While Loch didn't outright say who won this season, she did give a clue that may have just blown this whole case wide open. 

This is your last chance to head back to avoid potential spoilers for season 13 of "The Bachelorette."

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"They are going to Dallas to have a party there. He gets to meet all of her friends and non-Bachelor people too," Loch explained to Entertainment Tonight. "And then they're going to Miami after that to have an engagement party there, too."

This may not seem like an immediate giveaway — Miami is lovely in the summer, who wouldn't want to have an engagement party there? But anyone who has watched this season knows that Miami is also home to "Bachelorette" finalist Bryan Abasolo. 

Abasolo has not been shy about his close ties to his family, particularly his mom, who said notably during his hometown date "if he's happy, I'm happy, if he's not, I will kill you." So it makes sense that if Abasolo was the winner, that he and Lindsay would probably make the trek down to his home turf to celebrate their love. 

Fans (and this writer) were pretty steamed about this potential reveal. For one, Abasolo has not been making the best impression as of late. His meeting with Rachel's family on this week's episode didn't go over the best, as he was clearly the most eager to put a ring on Lindsay's finger and run down the aisle — something that her family found suspicious given how short a time they've known each other. 

Fans have also been skeptical of the smooth-talking Abasolo, with many believing that he may not be the most genuine. Needless to say they weren't super happy with this potential spoiler. 

 

 

 

 

As an avid watcher of this season of "The Bachelorette," I am still #TeamPeter and hoping that the Miami engagement party is just because of their beautiful beaches and delicious Cubano sandwiches. Fingers crossed!

You can watch the whole interview with Astrid below via Entertainment Tonight:

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The one thing that all couples should be doing to have better sex

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The INSIDER Summary:

  •  Talking about sex can lead to more satisfaction in the bedroom. 
  • Studies have concluded that when you're happier with your sex life, you're happier overall. 


Sex influences so much of our lives. From the media we consume, to our relationships, to our thoughts more than a dozen times a day, we are a species that is very focused on sex.

But for as much time as we spend thinking about it, we don't spend a lot of time vocalizing our thoughts to our partners. In fact, a study found that more than half (54%) of couples were not comfortable talking about sex. 

"Conversations about sex are almost as hard or harder than talks about money or kids,"sex therapist Angie Gunn told INSIDER. "We're not given a template for how to have these conversations, or social acceptance around the importance of these talks. Fear drives this avoidance, and subjugates opportunities for connection and present engagement."

This lack of discussion around sex can have some serious consequences. For one, studies suggest that this conversational gap leads more couples not to discuss contraception, which can lead to a higher rate of STIs and unwanted pregnancies. 

Because people aren't talking about the nitty gritty of sex, they also are probably not talking about the fun parts of having sex. This means that couples aren't discussing their likes and dislikes, preferences, kinks, limits, and more. Worse yet, their sex lives are suffering because of it — only 9% of couples who say they're not comfortable talking about sex claim to have satisfying sex lives, according to a study.

Couple kissing

So how do people break through this lack of communication and begin to have a more fulfilling sex life? Well the answer, according to experts, is fairly straightforward: You must have a conversation about your needs, as awkward as it might be at first. 

It might be tempting to start this conversation post-sex or in the bedroom, but sexologist Megan Stubbs told INSIDER that it's best to have the conversation when you're out of the heat of the moment and somewhere where you both feel comfortable. 

"Try to start a conversation with your partner in a neutral location," she said. "It is best not to spring new discussions when you are in bed. This removes the pressure from your partner to act or answer in a way that would keep the peace before bed. Car rides are a great location for starting a dialogue."

Being open with your partner is never a bad thing — if you've read any relationship advice, you'll notice the right answer usually includes better communication — but being open about sex can improve a ton of aspects of your life. Studies suggest that people who had better sexual communication were more confident, had more intimacy with their partners, and had better relationship satisfaction overall

Turns out it's true: if you want something, don't be afraid to ask for it. 

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NOW WATCH: People with these personality traits have more and better sex

The one move you should be doing to spice up your sex life

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The INSIDER Summary:

  • Spicing up your sex life can make sex in a long-term relationship more exciting. 
  • A great and easy way to do that is keeping the lights on when you have sex.
  • It can improve intimacy and a bond with your partner. 


There are a lot of great things about being in a relationship. You have someone who supports and loves you, someone to share your hopes and dreams with, and someone to slyly order Chinese food with while you're on your sixth hour of binge-watching "Vanderpump Rules."

But with all that comfort can inevitably come some dullness: it can get tough to be with the same person all of the time and it can be hard to sleep with the same person all of the time. Sex can be an amazing source of emotional connection and spontaneity with you partner, but only if you're keeping it interesting. 

You can tie each other up, try different positions, incorporate food in the bedroom (just be careful where you're putting sugar!), or try role-playing, but one of the best ways you can spice up your sex life is a lot more tame than that. 

Turns out that having sex with the lights on is one of the best ways to increase your emotional connection with someone during sex.

Doing it with the lights on puts you in a vulnerable situation and promotes more connection with your partner, which allows for a higher rate of intimacy, sexologist Megan Stubbs told INSIDER. 

"For some, this idea is terrifying, but when you share that vulnerable space with your partner, you are helping to deepen your bond," Stubbs said. 

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It may also help in increasing your sex drive — at least if you identify as a man. A small study found that exposure to light helps boost men’s levels of testosterone and increases levels of sexual satisfaction. This was found through light box therapy, but adding a little brightness into your room can help, too. 

To really ramp up the connection, Stubbs encourages eye contact during sex in the light as well.

"Eye contact is also another way to help increase emotional intimacy," she said. "Try positions that maximize skin contact like missionary or spooning."

While having sex in the light is something many people avoid because they feel self conscious, sexologist and psychotherapist Kristie Overstreet told INSIDER that it's best that people get out of their own heads and stop being so hard on themselves during sex.

"You are likely judging yourself more harshly than your partner is so cut yourself some slack."she said. "Sex is meant to be fun, relaxing, and enjoyable, so leave your self-consciousness at the door. If you take yourself too seriously or judge yourself harshly then your missing out of an enjoyable time."

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NOW WATCH: A sex expert reveals the 3 traits every couple needs for a happy relationship

11 signs you could be dating a narcissist

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Everyone has moment when they're a little full of themselves. But if you notice your partner takes a little too much of an interest in their own needs more often than not, you may be dating a narcissist. 

Like all personality types, narcissists come in many different forms, but INSIDER talked to some experts about the typical traits of your friendly neighborhood narcissist. 

They're overly complimentary at first.

Narcissists will start out by "love bombing" you, meaning they'll start out by being weirdly nice and complimentary, David Bennett, counselor and co-author of the site "The Popular Man," told INSIDER. But that will quickly change. 

Bennett recommends looking at how they treat others and talk about the people in their life. If they're a narcissist, you'll see some bad patterns emerge. 

"Look for clues as to how they treat others," he said. "If the person you're dating brags about manipulating others, or people they have dated in the past, I guarantee you'll be the next to be manipulated and mistreated."



They never shut up.

Narcissists love to hear the sound of their own voice — and their favorite topic is themselves. If they ignore your concerns or never ask about your life, they may be a narcissist.

"You could be talking to your partner about a health scare you had and the conversation drifts to their stress at work,"therapist Kimberly Hershenson told INSIDER. "If you find that the discussion always becomes about your partner this could be a sign they are a narcissist."



They feel they're owed something.

Narcissists have an overwhelming feeling that the world owes them something. They believe that the world is here to serve their whims and that everyone should read their mind. It's not pretty when something reminds them that's not how the world works. 

"If they tend to feel like they are misunderstood or not valued, this may be a sign of narcissism," said Hershenson. 



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

Chris Pratt and Anna Faris use a secret code when they want to escape Hollywood

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anna faris chris pratt

The INSIDER Summary:

  • Anna Faris and husband Chris Pratt have busy schedules.
  • She's been promoting "The Emoji Movie" and he's in the next "Jurassic World" and "Avengers" movies.
  • When they want to get away they send each other an eagle emoji.
  • They have a place in Washington state, where they both grew up, they sneak off to for some rest and relaxation.


These days, Anna Faris is busy promoting her new animated film, 
The Emoji Movie. Conveniently, the 40-year-old comedic actress and her movie-star husband, Chris Pratt, know all about emoji language. Apparently, the power couple shares an affinity for it in their everyday life. Faris and Pratt use a particular emoji to tell each other when they have had enough of the Hollywood scene and need to get away as fast as possible. Faris explained in a recent interview and said,

I send the emoji of an eagle landing to say, 'Let's get away to the islands.' We both grew up in Washington State, and we have a place up there.

So, let's see. Anna Faris and Chris Pratt can use a secret language in real life when they need to flee from Hollywood. Faris can speak with ideograms in The Emoji Movie. Chris Pratt can speak to dinosaurs in Jurassic World. Is there anything this adorable couple can't do?

Joking aside, Anna Faris is super busy these days, so she has plenty of reason to send that secret emoji signal to her Hollywood husband. In addition to having a busy schedule with her lead role on the hit CBS sitcom Mom, Faris is working on the upcoming remake of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell's classic '80s movie Overboard. Furthermore, she is making time for interviews with magazines like People to talk about The Emoji Movie, in which she voices the character Jailbreak.

Then, like Anna Faris, Chris Pratt is also on top in Tinseltown. Passengers and Guardians of the Galaxy 2 were enormous. Plus, he already has upcoming movies like Avengers: Infinity War and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom in post-production. In other words, Faris and Pratt have packed schedules. Therefore, it is no wonder they sometimes have to call it a day and head to the Evergreen state to spend some quality time at their secret place.

Besides, the dynamic duo has a four-year-old son, Jack Pratt. Parenthood is job number one for them, so they probably feel the need to spend time with family in their home state of Washington. Hopefully, that eagle-emoji signal is getting sent a lot.

Despite being two of the most successful people in Hollywood, Chris Pratt and Anna Faris seem super laid back. In the interview, Faris revealed that they are very normal in their everyday lives. She said her husband likes to work on projects in the garage, and she does laundry and watches reality television shows.

At the same time, Anna Faris says she and Chris Pratt have learned over the years that their status as a celebrity power couple means extra work when they are out in public. She said the added attention people place on their relationship is not something she or Pratt ever anticipated.

Thank goodness Anna Faris and Chris Pratt can sneak away on vacation whenever it all becomes too much. All they have to do is send an emoji.

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Manipulative people hook their victims with a tactic called 'love bombing' — here are the signs you've been a target

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You think you've met the love of your life?

Stop. Take a step back. Why do you think that?

If you have just met somebody who is saying that you are "soul mates" and declaring their undying love for you after a few weeks, you might have just become the victim of something called "love bombing."

According to Dale Archer, a psychiatrist and author, love bombing is where you are showered with affection, gifts, and promises for the future, making you believe you may have discovered love at first sight. Someone is loving, caring, affectionate, and seems to just "get" you. Things progress really quickly, and you start to wonder whether this is what you've been missing all along.

However, it doesn't last, and as soon as you show a hint of caring about anything other than your new partner, they will get furious with you and label you as "selfish." Their mask slips, and you see someone mean, belittling, and unreasonable underneath. They can't comprehend that you have anything else going on in your life, and they completely turn on you.

It's a form of conditioning, Archer writes in a blog post on Psychology Today. It's a tactic manipulative people use, and is in fact a form of abuse. If you are dating someone with dark triad personality traits — narcissism, Machiavellianism, or psychopathy — then it is probably a way they were grooming you.

It's a bit like training an animal. Love bombing is the reinforcement, where the abuser showers you with love if you act how they want you to. If you don't, then the devaluation stage happens, where they withdraw all their kindness and instead punish you with whatever they feel is appropriate — shouting at you, giving you the silent treatment, or even physically abusing you.

It can be hard to spot

It's difficult to pinpoint love bombing in the short term, because all new relationships are exciting. There is promise, and potential, and getting to know someone you like gives you butterflies. The emotional highs and feelings of giddiness are normal, and not necessarily cause for alarm.

What isn't normal, however, is how quickly you to fall into a serious relationship. What isn't normal is the amount of time this new person is demanding from you. Social media, texting, emails, and instant messaging make it incredibly easy to be in constant contact with someone if you want to, and an abuser who wants to love bomb you will easily take advantage of that.

You may have gone into the relationship with the intention of taking things slow, or keeping things casual, but somehow you found yourself forced into a corner to do the exact opposite. You're talking to them so much you start to believe you were made for each other.

Before you know it, they might have declared you "the one," be making plans to marry you, or have even already moved in with you.

What makes you vulnerable

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There are several reasons why you might fall for a love bombing abuser. In a blog post in Psychology Today, Joe Pierre, a Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences Professor at UCLA, explains how narcissists are attractive because they have traits such as self-sufficiency, confidence, and ambition.

However, sometimes people go for the same type of abusive relationships over and over again, because of their own issues they haven't worked through. Deborah Ward, author of the book "Overcoming Low Self-Esteem with Mindfulness," explains in a different blog post that there is a psychological theory that we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents.

If we experienced trauma in the past, whether that's with parents or with past relationships, we may try and fill the void with dating people who are similar. This is because we might subconsciously think we can fix the past by repeating it with a different person. The damaging, toxic relationship you build may feel comfortable because it is the type you are used to.

Going through trauma doesn't necessarily make someone weak, though. According to Perpetua Neo, a therapist and specialist of dark triad personality types, these past experiences make victims of love bombing very kind and empathetic. Abusers can merely take advantage of this because they know they are with someone who will explain away their negative traits.

"People think often if you are attracted to a narcissist, you tend to be someone quite weak and very passive in your life... but they tend to be very high achieving women," Neo told Business Insider. "A very common trait I see in my clients is they're over-empathetic... but you stop empathising with yourself, because you explain everything away for other people."

Breaking free

When the love bombing turns into devaluation, it can be very traumatising and heart-breaking for the victim. Everything they do from that moment on will be to try to bring back the wonderful person they thought they had. In reality, this person never actually existed. It was a mask all along.

All the gifts and affection were "transactional," Neo says, because narcissistic abusers are always thinking about what they can get out of a situation. Every move and every choice is calculated. In return, you end up feeling used and a shell of your former self.

"They love bomb and then they devalue you, so you're always on high alert, and you never want to do anything wrong," Neo said. "Because of that your standards are lowering, your boundaries are getting pinched upon, and you lose your sense of self."

If you do manage to break out of the abusive relationship, this will — hopefully — all become clear over time. The fog may eventually clear, and all the love bombing words and actions may suddenly be apparent for what they were: empty promises.

In reality, there is nothing wrong with taking a relationship slow, and anyone worth being with will respect that. Archer says in his blog post that the best thing you can do is to slow down, take a step back, and remind yourself of your boundaries. If you feel like you're being pressured in any way, you may well be the target of a love bomber. So try to avoid getting wrapped up in the moment, and remember to protect yourself.

After all, as the old saying goes: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

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Pluto and its moon Charon have something that doesn't exist anywhere else in the solar system

Here's the one mental trick that can improve your sex life

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The INSIDER Summary:

  • If you think too much about if you're doing things "right" when having sex, you can actually perform worse.
  • Try to get out of your own head and have fun. 


With wildly out-of-touch depictions of sex in media and pornography, it can be tough to know if you and your partner are having "good sex." 

"We've all received mixed messages from society and the media about how we should act and perform in bed,"Alicia Sinclair, certified sex educator, sex coach and founder of b-Vibe & Le Wand, told INSIDER. "It's not uncommon to think that someone will sweep you off your feet or do everything perfectly without trial and error. Realistically, just like all relationships, your sexual relationship takes commitment, effort, and time." 

If you're a sexually active person, chances are you've wondered more than once if you're good at it. But it turns out that very thought can actually be what's plaguing you in the bedroom.

In fact, experts told INSIDER that one of the biggest mistakes that people can make in the bedroom is being too in their own heads about how they're performing sexually and comparing that to what they've seen in the media or heard from their friends. 

"One of the biggest mistakes related to sex that I observe in couples is applying assumptions, past experiences, or media constructed ideas about sex to their sex," sex therapist Angie Gunn told INSIDER. "Pleasurable, connective sex is often nothing like the models we've been given or images we've observed. Bodies, positions, sounds, and acts are way more diverse, creative and beautiful than the boxes we try to impose."

When you're criticizing yourself, worrying about if you're good enough at sex or worthy enough to be there takes you out of the experience and actually makes you perform worse. 

"When people are focused on worrying about their performance, it is really hard to be present in the moment with yourself or your partner," counselor Wendi Dumbroff told INSIDER. "Notice how much your mind wonders away during intimate moments … how much are you adding on to the experience in your head?"

And that makes sense: If you're more worried that your stomach is going to growl or you're going to get your nail caught in their hair, you're probably not paying enough attention to the situation at hand. 

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Obviously, self-confidence is important in any situation, but studies suggest that confident people really do have better sex. One study found evidence that people who found themselves attractive and were confident in themselves had more frequent sex and a higher rate of sexual partners. 

Experts recommend practicing bringing yourself back to the bond you're sharing with someone in the heat of the moment.

It's okay if your mind wanders especially in some more vulnerable moments — obviously telling you not to worry about something that worries you is not totally productive — but if you find yourself panicking, refocus your thoughts and stay calm.

"When you notice thoughts and feelings around your performance, bring yourself back to the sensations of your body, and the experience of your partner's body," Gunn said.

"Get out of your head and into the present moment," sexologist and psychotherapist Kristie Overstreet told INSIDER. "Remember that sex is supposed to be fun and not taken too seriously. Make sure that you aren't stuck in your inner thoughts and that you are in the moment, which will help you emotionally connect with your partner."

And if something "bad" does happen? Well, that's okay because sex and love are full of mistakes. Be confident enough to laugh them off.

No one has perfect sex, no matter how hot, wealthy, or experienced they are. Once you can let go of that, you can get back to enjoying all that sweet, sweet action. And you and your partner will be reaping all of the benefits of that healthy mindset. 

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NOW WATCH: Successful people have more sex — here’s why

Kindness is the most sought after trait in dating

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couple love holding handsThe INSIDER Summary:

  • After surveying 400,000 singles, EliteSingles found that kindness is the most sought after trait.
  • Women also look for emotional connection and moral values.
  • Men rated sexual compatability and emotional conncection as what they desired next.

When you contemplate on what you’re looking for in a significant other, many desirable traits spring to mind: attractiveness, intelligence, sense of humor. But if you had to filter it down to a singular characteristic, what would you prioritize?

In this instance, the people have spoken. EliteSingles wanted to know just how much factors into finding love, and surveyed 400,000 singles in order to find out. Their results? Kindness was the most valuable and most sought after trait in searching for a long-term partner.

A whopping 82% of women and 70% of men rated kindness as extremely important in finding a long-term partner, even trumping expected winners like sexual attraction, emotional connection, and moral values. (Here are 8 other ways to meet and attract new people.)

As can be expected, kindness wasn’t the only thing people sought in relationship-hunting. For women, emotional connection and moral values succeeded kindness in importance for a romantic relationship while men rated sexual compatibility and emotional connection for what they desired next.

This doesn’t go to say that love is entirely blind, but it could be so for the early stages of infatuation; further studies have indicated that looks matter more in the first seven years of a relationship than in later years. Paying attention to one’s physical appearance may ensure that a relationship gets off to a good start, but manifesting a kind persona will guarantee it remains there.

Dating isn’t the only dimension where kindness is applicable though; if you thought love hurts, turns out that it’s actually the opposite in terms of your physical health. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation reports, “Acts of kindness create emotional warmth, which releases a hormone known as oxytocin. Oxytocin causes the release of a chemical called nitric oxide, which dilates the blood vessels. This reduces blood pressure and, therefore, oxytocin is known as a ‘cardioprotective’ hormone. It protects the heart by lowering blood pressure.”

Although there may be a lot of spite and ill intentions lingering in the sphere of online dating, it comes as a comfort to see that people still champion intrinsic beauty over external qualities. While factors like attractiveness and athleticism are initially alluring, long-term relationships mandate a deeper character.

So if you’re single and searching for the secret to snagging a longstanding companion, stop obsessing over the mirror and start reflecting acts of kindness instead—it’s statistically recommended! (Here are some of our most inspiring stories of kindness).

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Beware exes who want to stay friends — it could be thanks to 'dark personality traits'

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The INSIDER Summary:

  • A study suggests that people who want to stay friends with their exes display a higher amount of "dark personality traits." 
  • These traits can be anything from psychopathy to narcissism. 
  • These people tend to want to keep friendships up because they can gain something from them, according to researchers. 


If your ex wants to stay friends with you, you may think it's because they value you enough not to want to lose you. But a study published in May 2016 that recently resurfaced suggests that your ex's desire to stay friends with you might reveal something dark about them. 

Researchers Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling at Oakland University asked 860 people about their relationships to their former flames and to give their reasoning as to why they wanted to stay friends with them. Options for reasons included innocuous ones like, "I couldn't imagine my life without them" or more insidious ones like, "I wanted to make their new romantic partner jealous." 

Participants were also asked questions to find out if they had so-called "dark personality traits," which included anything from narcissism, duplicity, psychopathy, and Machiavellian traits.

The study found that participants who displayed these dark personality traits were more likely to stay close to their exes for "practical and sexual reasons."

Their findings were that people who stayed friends with their exes often did so because they could benefit from it, whether it's for financial reasons, a late-night booty call, or simply to fluff up their ego. This is consistent with many findings about narcissist and sociopaths, who often see people as tools to get what they want. 

While it may seem appealing to keep up a relationship with a former flame, it can actually have some pretty scary effects. Not only could you possibly be maintaining a friendship with someone who is using you, but, studies also have shown that exes are less emotionally supportive, less helpful, less trusting, and less concerned about the other person’s happiness than friends who have never been romantically linked.

It's great to want to be cordial with your ex, but if they seem a little too keen on having you around them, it might be best to limit your interactions to some awkward hugs at parties. 

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Blake Lively got real about her 'perfect' relationship with Ryan Reynolds: 'I'm in love with him most of the time'

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Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively

The INSIDER Summary:

  • Actress Blake Lively shared details with Glamour magazine about her relationship with husband Ryan Reynolds.
  • She rejected media narratives about her life and said that it's not as "perfect" as people like to pretend it is. 
  • Lively said that she and Reynolds have a real relationship and that one of the reasons it's healthy is it was based on friendship first. 


Actors Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds seem like they have the perfect relationship.

They are frequently seen looking totally in love at movie premieres, at Taylor Swift's New Hampshire house, and in sweet Instagram posts. But Lively reminded everyone that the two are not perfect — because no relationship is. 

In an interview for September's Glamour magazine, Lively shared how frustrating it is to have a narrative about her relationship and her life pushed by the tabloids. 

"The night before an interview, I have complete anxiety: How is this person going to spin me? So when you read, 'Oh, she's got a perfect life,' or 'Her life is crumbling' — they pick narratives for everyone," she told the magazine. "And the narratives stick."

Lively joked that she loves Reynolds "most of the time"— especially when he's sharing outlandish tweets based on their family life. She also made it clear that all of the crazy things he says that involve his "daughter" are not actually real. Phew!

 

"He'll run them by me sometimes just to make me laugh," she recalled. "But oh, I'm so in love with him when he writes that stuff. I mean, I'm in love with him most of the time, but especially with that."

Lively told the magazine that she's hesitant to gush about how much she loves her husband sometimes because people will take that and push a narrative about her "perfect" life. 

"I said, 'Most of the time,' because if I say, 'I'm so in love with him all the time,' then you get that eye-rolling, 'Oh, her life is so great, she's so perfect,'" she explained. "So it's, like, my defense mechanism."

She and Reynolds may not have the perfect relationship, but it does sound like they do have healthy communication down pat. Lively shared that because they met and became close friends on the set of the "Green Lantern" more than a year before they began dating, they still treat each other like friends. 

"In other relationships, if something came up, I would call my girlfriends or my sister, and say, 'Hey, this is what he did — what should I do?' Where with him, we were friends for two years before we were ever dating," she said. "And I treat him like my girlfriend. I'm like, 'Hey, this happened. It upset me. This is how I feel. What do I do?' And he does the same for me. He treats me like his best buddy."

It's important to remember that celebrities have relationships just like everyone else, and like everyone else, they put their best foot forward on social media and what you see may not be how it is behind the scenes.

While Reynolds and Lively are the first to admit they're not the #relationshipgoals people try to say they are, it sounds like they have a genuine relationship that any couple could learn something from. 

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How Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively balance their hectic movie schedules as a family

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Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively

The INSIDER Summary:

  • Blake Lively and husband Ryan Reynolds balance a busy Hollywood schedule with their family.
  • The two switch make sure they're not working at the same time. They switch up who is with the kids while the other parent works. 
  • While Reynolds is filming "Deadpool 2," Lively and the family stays in town with him.
  • When he's done with Deadpool, Lively will work on her next project. 
  • She tells Glamour the couple both have given up "stuff we loved" so they don't work at the same time.


After meeting each other during "
Green Lantern's"s production and dating since late 2011, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively married in 2012. Since then they've been building a family while also keeping their acting careers going, which isn't easy in such a hectic industry. Hollywood families have different strategies for balancing work and home life (some more successful than others), and for Reynolds and Lively, the key is making sure that the two of them aren't working on projects at the same time. While talking about "Deadpool 2," the movie Reynolds is currently shooting, Lively said the following:

My husband's shooting "Deadpool," and I'm here for the full shoot. We don't work at the same time. We're here as a fami­ly, then we'll pack up, and I'll go do a couple movies.

Since Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively want their two daughters, James and Ines, to be with their parents as much as possible, it isn't feasible for both stars to be working during the same period. Hence the scheduling compromise.

lively reynolds kids

Since "Deadpool 2" is currently shooting Vancouver, that means Lively will be the one to look after the kids while Reynolds is off causing a ruckus as the Merc with the Mouth. Once that's finished, then Reynolds can be the one who takes care of his daughters while Lively goes to scratch that acting itch. It's a back and forth dynamic, but thanks to planning ahead, it's been quite effective. Lively continued in her interview with Glamour:

I admire people who find that what fulfills them is their art or their work, but what fulfills both me and my husband is our family. Knowing that, everything else comes second. We've each given up stuff we loved in order to not work at the same time. I'm fortunate to be in a place now where I get to find the material---a book or script---early and develop it. So I know ahead of time that I'm going to be working on this job at this time. And we can plan around it.

Both actors contributed to the 2016 movie landscape; Ryan Reynolds with "Deadpool" and "Criminal," Blake Lively with "Cafe Society," "The Shallows" and "All I See is You." 2017, though, has been all Reynolds. He starred in "Life" and "The Hitman's Bodyguard," and he even squeezed in the Deadpool short film "No Good Deed." Once "Deadpool 2" wraps up, then Lively can jump back into the acting game. This approach has worked for the family so far, and looking at their body of work in recent years, both Reynolds and Lively have managed to add some unique credits to their resumes.

Blake Lively

We'll find how Ryan Reynolds and the rest of the "Deadpool 2" gang fared putting together Wade Wilson's next cinematic adventure when the sequel hits theaters on June 1, 2018. As for Blake Lively, her upcoming projects include "The Rhythm Section," "The Husband's Secret" (which she's also executive producing), and "A Simple Favor."

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A dating expert tells us the secret to a successful relationship

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Business Insider UK spoke to Matthew Hussey, dating expert at howtogettheguy.com and howtogettheguy.com/blog and author of New York Times bestseller "Get the Guy," about how what makes a successful couple.

Here's a transcript of the video:

Some couples come together to solve and others come together to do damage. The best couples I've ever seen are the people that are teammates. For them, everything is about coming together and solving problems.

If my ego is more important than our relationship, then the moment I feel threatened then I'm going to play games with you or I am going to one up you.

"You make me jealous and I'm going to make you twice as jealous." 

Instead the great couples I know, you make me jealous, and I come to you and I say "that made me a little jealous, I'm just being vulnerable with you. It made me jealous, I don't want to feel like that because I love you." 

Great couples are amazing teammates and they protect each other. The relationship is more important than being right all the time.

Produced by Claudia Romeo. Filmed by David Ibekwe.

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This guy came up with a brilliant trick for getting his wife the perfect gift every time

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Gift

The INSIDER Summary:

  • A man figured out the ultimate hack to finding his wife the perfect gift.
  • He created an anonymous Pinterest account and followed her, choosing gifts based on her pins. 
  • Twitter totally loved his genius idea.

It can be tough to figure out what to gift your significant other — especially when there are a few holidays a year you'll need to buy presents for. But one man came up with a brilliant idea to ensure that he will never struggle to find a gift for his wife.

A man named Jordan from Westfield, New Jersey, recently went viral after sharing his secret for how he finds the perfect gifts for his wife TyAnna. When activist Deray Mckesson asked Twitter if anyone still used Pinterest anymore, Jordan replied with the ultimate hack: he created a secret and anonymous Pinterest account, followed his wife, and mined her pins for gift ideas.

 

"I have a secret account that follows my wife's," he tweeted. "She has no clue how I always get her what she wants."

Jordan told BuzzFeed News that his plan has been a total success so far and that's he's gifted her a sapphire nose ring, lip glosses, and earrings inspired by her pins. 

People were obviously impressed with Jordan's genius plan, and a lot said they hoped their partner's would catch on to this hack, too. 

 

 

 

 

But obviously the person's whose opinion matters most is TyAnna, and she told BuzzFeed News that while the hack is smart, it's just par for the course from her thoughtful husband. 

"I thought it was really really sweet but I wasn't surprised because Jordan really goes the extra mile to make me happy," she told them. 

This just goes to show that a little bit of effort can go a long way in making your partner feel loved. Now please excuse me while I just go ahead and forward my entire Pinterest page to my boyfriend.

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Both DNA and upbringing can determine whether a child will grow up to be a psychopath — here's how

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  • Psychopaths sometimes have a genetic predisposition that makes them the way they are.
  • There are some biological differences in the brains of psychopaths compared to the general population.
  • Other research suggests that it is someone's upbringing that has an impact on whether they become a psychopath.
  • It's likely to be a mixture of nature and nurture that turns someone into a psychopath, and they're likely to use both to their advantage to manipulate others.

Psychopaths are thought to make up about 1% of the population, and an even higher percentage of people have psychopathic, narcissistic, and sociopathic traits, such as an inflated sense of self or a lack of emotion.

Whether psychopaths are born or made over time, though, is a grey area.

Some scientific literature suggests there is a strong genetic component to these traits.

The genes that make us unfeeling or narcissistic are often selected in evolution because they have benefits, especially if you are a in a profession where a cool head is paramount. A higher than average amount of CEOs tend to be psychopaths, for instance.

Perpetua Neo, a therapist and specialist in dark triad personality types, told Business Insider: "Evolution doesn't care about how altruistic you are, or how much good you do."

"Evolution only cares that the genes are passed on and they fit a certain environment. So because of that, it can't really weed out psychopaths and narcissists."

Because of this, these genes are likely to always persist in the population. So, instead of focusing on attempting to fix people, Neo says it is better to teach people how to recognise red flags for psychopathic behaviours, heal ourselves from any predispositions on being attracted to them, and run "fast and far."

Genes aren't our destiny.

psycho brainAccording to James Fallon (Jim in the photo), a UC Irvine School of Medicine neuroscientist who accidentally found out he may be a psychopath himself, some genes may be biologically visible. In his research he found that many psychopaths show distinctive patterns of brain activity.

He used MRI scanners to examine the brain activity of dozens of people thought to be psychopaths, and found that there tended to be reduced activity in the areas that play roles in regulating emotions, impulses, morality, and aggression.

However, Neo says your DNA isn't the deciding factor in everything. The same genes in different people can be expressed differently thanks to something called epigenetics. Also, negative behaviours can be learned — or even rewarded — in childhood, leading to them being practised more often.

For instance, sometimes children are brought up with a psychopathic or narcissistic parent. In these cases, the child may grow up thinking they can only get attention and resources by being manipulative.

A study in 2013, published in the European Journal of Psychotraumatology, explored the relationship between early childhood neglect and abuse, and the likelihood of scoring higher on the psychopathic scale.

The researchers assessed 22 offenders convicted of violent crimes aged 22 to 60, and used the "Traumatic Experience Checklist" to analyse the level of childhood relational trauma they had experienced. This information was then compared to where the offenders landed on the psychopathic scale, using the "Hare Psychopathy Checklist," developed by criminal psychologist Robert Hare.

The team concluded that psychopathy may be linked to a history of trauma, particularly in the more severe violent offenders.

Another study, published in the journal Psychological Medicine, examined 333 males and females to see how maternal and paternal bonding and childhood physical abuse had an impact on developing a psychopathic personality at age 28. It also looked at whether children separated from their parents in the first 3 years of life were more likely to be psychopaths 25 years later.

The researchers found that disrupted parental bonding was associated with an increased level of adult psychopathy, with a lack of maternal care being the most important aspect.

"Childhood physical abuse was also associated with psychopathy, but evidence from regression analyses suggests that bonding is more primary than abuse," the researchers wrote. In other words, neglect at a young age appeared to have more of a connection with an adult psychopathic personality than being physically assaulted as a child.

Trauma is a sliding scale.

kevinParents divorcing could also have an impact on whether psychopathic traits become more pronounced. Disruptive experiences like divorce could generate symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder on par with "big T" trauma events such as abuse, according to one study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry.

Neo said that children who take on these experiences sometimes deal with them by becoming manipulative and learning how to play parents off against each other.

"Some kids, they know how to cry at the drop of a hat, and smile when they get their way," Neo said. "And the things that they say to play one parent against another, or one parent against an individual, is really well orchestrated."

However, that's not the full story. Other children are predisposed to acting a certain way, regardless of their parental situation or how they were brought up.

"There was this study that I read about this subsection of kids who are extremely cruel, and extremely deviant," said Neo. "From a young age, psychopathic children tend to torture animals for fun."

"We've all done things like catch a dragon fly, or a cockroach, but you read stories about how pre-psychopathic children do things like kidnapping dogs or cats, and slowly dissecting them alive, just to see what's happening," Neo added.

"They do it with this cold, detached ability that you don't see in normal kids who have empathy."

One case study, reported in The Atlantic, involved a child called Samantha (a fake name), who began exhibiting some worrying behaviours at about age six. She made a "book about how to hurt people" which included drawings of murder weapons like knives, poison chemicals, and a plastic bag to be used for suffocation.

Samantha was adopted by her parents at age two, who already had five biological children of their own. When one of their youngest children was still a baby, Samantha tried to strangle him, just to see what would happen.

"People with such obvious psychopathic, callous behaviours at a young age, after repeated incidents in a family, tend to be institutionalised," Neo said. "But those who learn to not have such extreme behaviours — they trickle down through the cracks."

Over time as they grow up, these people find themselves in certain environments which reward their psychopathic traits and behaviours, according to Neo.

"Their psychopathic behaviour muscles or narcissistic behaviour muscles get stronger, and it becomes wired in them as a pattern of being, and it becomes a personality," she said.

The answer isn't simple.

Where nature or nurture is more of a factor in becoming a psychopath is not fully understood, and much of the research in the area points out the need for further study.

What is known is how psychopaths manipulate the people around them. Neo says they are often familiar with the fact they have had a troubled past, and they use this information to get people to do what they want.

For example, it can be incredibly hard to cut psychopathic people out of our lives, because we know they have had a tough time,so we feel sorry for them.

"Unfortunately, they do not empathise with us," Neo said. "Their main modus operandi is 'How do I get the kicks out of hurting someone?' or 'How do I get this attention out of making someone suffer?" So inherently, this relationship you have — whether it's romantic, friendship, or otherwise — is asymmetrical.

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This man's body-positive letter to his wife will bring you to tears

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The INSIDER Summary:

  • A California author and activist published the sweetest note to his wife, praising her "curvy" body.
  • He called on other men to cast aside notions that women have to be "thin, tall, and lean" in order to be beautiful. 
  • People are totally loving his body-positive message. 


A San Francisco man just penned a sweet and empowering Instagram post about his wife that will put your #womancrushwednesday posts to shame.

Activist and author Robbie Tripp went viral this week after he wrote the sweetest Instagram tribute to his wife Sarah Tripp and her body. 

Sharing a sweet snap of the two cuddled up on the beach in Miami, Florida, Robbie explained that when he was younger, his friends mocked him for liking women who are "curvy," but that as he got older, he learned more about feminism and the systems in place that marginalize and scrutinize women for looking a certain way. 

|| I love this woman and her curvy body. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier, girls that the average (basic) bro might refer to as "chubby" or even "fat." Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes women by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean) I realized how many men have bought into that lie. For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc. Her shape and size won't be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it's the one featured in my life and in my heart. There's nothing sexier to me than a woman who is both curvy and confident; this gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the most beautiful one in the room. Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character. She's real. She has beautiful stretch marks on her hips and cute little dimples on her booty. Girls, don't ever fool yourself by thinking you have to fit a certain mold to be loved and appreciated. There is a guy out there who is going to celebrate you for exactly who you are, someone who will love you like I love my Sarah. ||

A post shared by ROBBIE TRIPP™ (@tripp) on Jul 30, 2017 at 6:10pm PDT on

Robbie listed all of the things that he loves about Sarah's body in his post, and explained the need for greater representation of women of larger sizes in media.

He also called on other men to cast aside the idea that women cannot be above a certain size and be beautiful. And he sent a message to women that — no matter their size — there will be men who will appreciate them for who they are (though, we'd like to note they should love themselves regardless of male attention).

Here's the full caption (emphasis ours): 

"I love this woman and her curvy body. As a teenager, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier, girls that the average (basic) bro might refer to as "chubby" or even "fat." Then, as I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalizes women by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean) I realized how many men have bought into that lie. For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc. Her shape and size won't be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it's the one featured in my life and in my heart. There's nothing sexier to me than a woman who is both curvy and confident; this gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the most beautiful one in the room. Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character. She's real. She has beautiful stretch marks on her hips and cute little dimples on her booty. Girls, don't ever fool yourself by thinking you have to fit a certain mold to be loved and appreciated. There is a guy out there who is going to celebrate you for exactly who you are, someone who will love you like I love my Sarah."

 

|| WOW. That's the only word in the English language fitting for what's happened the last few days. After my last post about Sarah went viral here on Instagram and then on Facebook, it's now been picked up by @todayshow, @enews, @popsugar, and others. It's been incredible to see the reaction from my simple post celebrating my wife and her body. So much positivity and love have come from it. Seeing men from around the world tagging their girlfriend/wife and telling her how much they love her curvy body has been amazing. Thanks to each and every person who has commented and messaged us with your thoughtful words. It means the absolute world to us! Be sure to watch my IG Stories to experience this excitement with us! ||

A post shared by ROBBIE TRIPP™ (@tripp) on Aug 2, 2017 at 9:10pm PDT on

People in the comments were totally loving his body-positive and romantic message.

"I am so blessed to have a husband who feels the same way about me. Thanks for sharing your views; hopefully this will encourage the next generation as well," one user wrote.

"Your wife is stunning! You guys make a beautiful pair!!" a separate commenter wrote.

"Your post made me cry. I too am what is considered curvy," another wrote. "I've been feeling so down about myself and I'm old enough to know not to get drawn into what society thinks is beautiful. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Robbie's post is a wonderful reminder that beauty comes in so many different forms and that we should have a more diverse representation of that beauty celebrated out in the open.

We should be celebrating all of the beautiful things we love about our partners and reminding them just how wonderful they are.

 

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A 10-second change to your morning routine could make your relationship happier

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knocked up breakfast

IKEA's "Life at Home" report is full of fascinating tidbits about the way people spend their mornings.

In 2015, thousands of adults in eight major cities around the world — Berlin, London, Moscow, Mumbai, New York, Paris, Shanghai, and Stockholm — described the first few hours of their day.

For example: In Stockholm, 61% of people wake up before 7 a.m. In Berlin, 56% of people who eat breakfast with others talk about their dreams from the night before.

But perhaps the most intriguing finding from the report is this: While most people surveyed say it's important to hug or kiss their partner in the morning, far fewer people report showing this kind of physical affection before heading out the door.

The gap between the two groups is widest in Shanghai, where 82% say it's important to give their partner a hug or a kiss in the morning, but just 25% do. The gap narrows in London, where 85% say physical affection is important and 56% show it.

Here's why these urban dwellers might be making a mistake: When it comes to romantic relationships, at least among college students, physical affection is related to greater relationship satisfaction.

Interestingly, one study (of college students and other adults) found that a person's satisfaction with the kind of physical affection they receive from their partner — like how often they hug and kiss and not just whether they do — strongly predicts how much they love their partner.

There's no need to force a tight-lipped kiss or stiff-armed hug if you're not feeling it. But if you are feeling it and simply think the embrace can wait until this evening, when you're less rushed or more awake, consider delaying your departure by 10 seconds and reminding your partner how much you care about them.

SEE ALSO: The dramatically different morning routines of people in 8 major cities around the world

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