Making your employee feel valued and your spouse feel loved both depend on the same thing: significance. 

As couples psychologist Peter Pearson explains to Business Insider, a huge part of your job as a manager or mate is to make the other person feel important. 

Because all too often, people feel insignificant, with potentially dire results. 

He sees it all the time at the Couples Institute, his relationship counseling practice in Menlo Park, California, the heart of Silicon Valley. 

"The people that come in that work for big tech companies like Cisco and IBM talk a lot about feeling like they don't have much influence, affect, or impact," he says. "They really do feel like a small cog in a really big machine. The psychological effect of that is they don't feel very significant in their endeavors." 

The desire to feel significant, Pearson says, is "huge." 

You can see it when people retire. After six months of traveling, playing golf, and visiting the grandkids, recent retirees often start to feel downcast, he says. It's especially bad for men, whose depression rates spike in retirement. 

Making your partner or direct report feel important is often a matter of specifying how and why their efforts are valued.

"If my wife Ellyn says to me, 'I really appreciate your making dinner,' then I say, 'OK thanks,'" Pearson explains. "But if she says, 'I appreciate your making dinner, because then I don't have to think about what to make, I feel nurtured, and I can relax,'" then it makes the whole making dinner thing all the more meaningful. 

That need for significance and feeling valued is crucial to well-being at work, too. It's clear in the way people stick around or flee from jobs: According to one American Psychological Association survey, nearly half of people who don't feel valued at work are planning to find a new job in the next year. 

That's the lesson for managers (and romantic partners): If you want to make the other person feel valued and significant, explain how their actions help everybody involved. 

"When the meaning of something is clear, when the why is clear, it's easier to respond to requests," Pearson says. "It makes you feel like you are part of a team." 

SEE ALSO: 9 Facts About Relationships Everybody Should Know Before Getting Married

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During our trip to the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, we sat down with Cooper Hefner, who has been tapped by the company his father founded to act as a brand ambassador. Cooper grew up in the Playboy Mansion and was exposed to the world of Playmates from an early age. 

We were surprised to find out that he has a perspective on monogamy and relationships that couldn't be further from that of his dad, who famously enjoyed multiple girlfriends at the same time.

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While new research shows that getting and staying married is one of the best things you can do for yourself, it's an unavoidably complex and difficult endeavor.

Take it from Peter Pearson, therapist and cofounder of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California.

"In all marriages, you have so many interdependent interactions, from roles and responsibilities in the house to emotional and sexual aspects of the relationship," he tells Business Insider. "Your future is really tied to each other in so many ways."

But that shared future can go off course if couples get stuck in an unhealthy pattern of behavior.

"That's when they come to us," Pearson says.

He says that 60% of the couples who come to his practice are stuck in one of two toxic dynamics: conflict-avoidant and hostile-dependent.

Each of these dynamics isn't much fun to be in, for very different reasons: 

• A conflict-avoidant dynamic is defined by fear."For both people, the emotional risk of speaking up outweighs the potential benefit of bringing things up to the surface and working through them," Pearson says. As a result, "you contort yourself to be acceptable to your partner so they won't reject you or leave you," he says. "Each person compromises their wishes, their desires, their identity — the things that make them themselves."

• A hostile-dependent dynamic is defined by conflict. In this case, each person is "in a competition to be right," Pearson says. There's "lots of finger-pointing and blaming," he says, all in an attempt to take control. The underlying assumption is that if you can define "the problem with the relationship," then you can get the other person to shape up, and you'll finally get some relief.

But the drama masks what these behaviors really are: coping mechanisms that come out as a couple spends more and more time together.

"Most couples start off wanting to be nice to each other, good to each other, responsive to each other," Pearson says. "As differences begin to emerge in the other person's value system, then each person will start to fall back on their reflex coping mechanism. If I'm really conflict avoidant, then I'm not going to surface my disagreement because I don't want to risk a conflict, so I start compromising myself."

If the relationship is to move forward, each partner will have to go through the uncomfortable process of differentiation, where each person has to identify their values and communicate them to the other person — all while recognizing that their partner will have different values from their own. 

That can lead to a breakthrough — or a breakup.

Differentiation starts when one person decides "to take on the risk of speaking up and in a sense start fighting for their rights," Pearson says. "They get tired of compromising themselves, so they say, 'I don't care, I have to start speaking up, even if my spouse leaves me. I don't care, I will find a way to exist on my own.'"

SEE ALSO: Psychologists Say You Need These 3 Compatibilities To Have A Successful Marriage

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Happiness is good for you. 

Psychology research shows that happy people make more money, perform better at work, live longer, and have better marriages than everyone else. 

But the causes of happiness are elusive — philosophers have been trying to figure it out for thousands of years.

Over the past few decades psychological science has found a few consistent trends in what makes people happy. As the Gym Lion blog reports, happiness is less a matter of what you have than the things you do.

Here are a few of the top happiness-inducing behaviors:

Committing to goals 

Like chocolate and peanut butter, goals and happiness are mutually reinforcing. The process is simple enough: Happy people have lots of energy, and that energy can be put toward pursuing their latest quest. 

Psychologists say that the more we see a goal as a part of ourselves, the more it's self-concordant — meaning we'll bring more energy toward tackling it. University of Zurich psychologist Bettina Wiese says that "empirical research has repeatedly shown that striving toward self-concordant goals strengthens the link between goal progress and well-being." 

Finding meaning in your work 

In 1997, Yale organizational psychologist Amy Wrzesniewski and her colleagues published an oft-cited paper about how people relate to their work. There were three ways of thinking about your work: 

• A job: "Focus on financial rewards and necessity rather than pleasure or fulfillment; not a major positive part of life"

• A career: "Focus on advancement"

• A calling: "Focus on enjoyment of fulfilling, socially useful work"

Their finding: The people who found meaning in their work were happiest. 

Spending time with people you care about 

While it may sound like a Hallmark card, the research confirms that spending time with the people you love (or can at least tolerate) will make you happier. Interestingly, being at the "center" of a social network is a good predictor of well-being. 

Cultivating a long-term relationship 

The New York Times recently reported that "being married makes people happier and more satisfied with their lives than those who remain single — particularly during the most stressful periods, like midlife crises."

The reason? Two people are more resilient than one. 

Eating the fresh stuff

A 2013 study titled "Many apples a day keep the blues away" found that eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables had a positive correlation with happiness.

Specifically, the young people who ate seven to eight servings of fruits or vegetables reported higher happiness levels than their less-nourished peers. 

Getting in exercise

A 8,000-person Dutch study of people between 16 and 65 years old made some very strong claims about the virtues of exercise. "Exercisers were more satisfied with their life and happier than non-exercisers at all ages," the authors concluded. If you're trying to work out more but can't quite find the time, legendary psychologist Walter Mischel recommends "if-then" planning. 

Buying experiences

According to Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, if money doesn't buy happiness, then you're not spending it right. Chief among his spending principles is the insight that you should buy experiences instead of things. 

In a survey of over 1,000 Americans, 57% of respondents said that they derived greater happiness from an experiential purchase, like a trip, concert, or other life event, over a material purchase, like a car, appliance, or other object. We like experiences more because we get to anticipate and remember them, the research says, and we appreciate them longer.

"After devoting days to selecting the perfect hardwood floor to install in a new condo, homebuyers find their once beloved Brazilian cherry floors quickly become nothing more than the unnoticed ground beneath their feet," Gilbert and his colleagues say. "In contrast, their memory of seeing a baby cheetah at dawn on an African safari continues to provide delight."

SEE ALSO: Psychologists Say You Need These 3 Compatibilities To Have A Successful Marriage

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We usually think that marriages have a few years of impassioned romance before settling down into dependable, if less exciting, friendship. 

But lots of couples stay in love. 

That's what Stony Brook University psychologist Daniel O'Leary found in 2012. He conducted a survey of 274 married individuals in the US asking them to rate how in love they were with their partners. 

A full 40% of participants said that they were "very intensely in love." 

Similarly, in 2011, Match.com asked 5,200 Americans about how love lasts, and 18% of participants said that they'd experienced romantic love that lasted for over 10 years. 

So what gives? 

Aaron Ben-Zeev, a philosophy professor at the University of Haifa in Israel and author of "In the Name of Love," writes in Aeon that it's a matter of what you seek in relationships. 

Namely, are you after romantic intensity or romantic profundity?

"Romantic intensity expresses the momentary value of acute emotions,"Ben-Zeev says."Romantic profundity embodies frequent acute occurrences of intense love over long periods of time along with life experience that resonates in all dimensions, helping the individuals flourish and thrive." 

In other words, romantic intensity is a hit of emotion, which is, of course, fleeting. But profundity is more of a sentiment developed over time. In the same way that seeking out self-realization is a better predictor of long-term happiness than seeking pleasure, pursuing a relationship that's rich with meaning is a better bet than demanding one that's full of thrills. 

If you're looking for that profound, long-burning love, Ben-Zeev says to seek out complexity. 

"The complexity of the beloved is an important factor in determining whether love will be more or less profound as time goes on," he says. 

It works with music: People can enjoy listening to complex songs again and again, but stop enjoying listening to simple ones. 

It's the same with love, Ben-Zeev argues:

... a simple psychological object is liked less with exposure, while a complex object is liked more.

A complex psychological personality is more likely to generate profound romantic love in a partner, while even the most intense sexual desire can die away.

Sexual desire is boosted by change and novelty and diluted by familiarity. Romantic profundity increases with familiarity of the other person, and the relationship itself, is multifaceted and complex.

In other words, the more meaningful and rich you can help the relationship to become, the more intensely the love can last.

SEE ALSO: Psychologists Say You Need These 3 Compatibilities To Have A Successful Marriage

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New research shows that people who get married are more satisfied with their lives than people who stay single. 

But not every possible partner is a good bet for your well-being. 

The research suggests that if you care about your happiness, you should avoid marrying a neurotic person. 

This insight comes care of Bruce Headey, a psychologist at Melbourne University in Australia.

In a 2010 study, Headey and his team used data from the German Socio-Economic Panel study, which covered some 30,000 people living in 11,000 households from 1984 to 2009. In one part of their analysis, Headey and his colleagues looked at how the personality traits of married people affect life satisfaction.

"The trait that matters most is neuroticism," the authors write. "A panel regression analysis ... indicates that individuals with relatively neurotic partners are significantly less happy than those with more emotionally stable partners." 

Neuroticism, which is one of the Big 5 personality traits along with extroversion, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and openness to experience, is the opposite of emotional stability. 

It's usually defined as a predilection toward being fearful or worried. 

Neurotic people are more likely to detect threats in their environments, which can lead to mood swings and obsessive thinking about what could go wrong. They have been found to be more easily distracted, less self confident, and to have lower salaries than their more emotionally stable peers. 

And according to Headey's research, marrying someone with strong neurotic tendencies makes for a tough marriage. The researchers analyzed partners who lived together for less than five years, between five and 10 years, between 10 and 20 years, and over 20 years. In each longevity cohort, neuroticism had a "substantial effect" on life satisfaction. 

"It is worth stressing that, because adult personality is stable, our findings suggest that partnering/marrying a person with favorable traits will probably bring a long-term gain in one's happiness (if the partnership lasts), whereas partnering with a person with unfavorable traits will probably cause long-term loss," the authors conclude. 

What's the lesson here? 

Before you put a ring on it, you may want to ask your beau to take a personality test.

SEE ALSO: Psychologists Say You Need These 3 Compatibilities To Have A Successful Marriage

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Valentine’s Day typically serves as a time to show appreciation for that special someone in our lives or as an opportunity to take a relationship to the next level. It's a time to celebrate love in all of its forms.

But can Valentine's Day be a dangerous time for the health of your relationship?

Holidays can be stressful, but your relationship probably made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah,Festivus, and New Year's in one piece. Congratulations! Valentine's Day should be a piece of cake, right?

Not so fast. In a 2004 study¹ conducted at Arizona State University, higher-than-usual rates of dating breakups occurred in the week before and the week after February 14^th compared to other times of the year. During this 2-week period relationships were over 2.5-times more likely to end. Of course, we can't definitively say that Valentine's Day directly ”caused" breakups; however, there certainly is something happening around this much-anticipated romantic holiday.

What's especially interesting about the study is that the researchers explored two possible reasons that may explain the increase in Valentine's breakups.

One possibility is that Valentine's Day sets in motion all sorts of comparisons that could be detrimental to your relationship (this is known as the "instigator hypothesis”). Partners may not live up to the lofty cultural expectations associated with the holiday because their gifts weren't thoughtful enough, the dates they planned weren't romantic enough, or their underwear wasn't sexy enough for this special day. Such failures might be especially harmful when compared to others' seemingly perfect Valentine's Day activities. "My sister got two dozen roses this year, and you dare to only deliver one dozen? Unromantic slacker!" And when partners don't meet expectations, alternatives may start to catch your eye.

Alternatively, rather than instigate problems in relationships, Valentine's Day could exacerbate existing issues (known as the "catalyst hypothesis"). Basically, Valentine's Day may be a time when all those problems that you and/or your partner might have swept under the relational rug resurface and wreak their havoc. Struggling relationships may falter under the extra pressure of the holiday. Maybe you've been a lousy partner all year and your poor efforts on Valentine's Day are just the last straw. Relationships with big problems were probably headed for a breakup anyway, and Valentine's Day just provided the extra push to get them there sooner.

The results of the 2004 study did not support the "instigator hypothesis." Instead, couples that were already experiencing problems were the only ones more likely to break up around Valentine's Day. Score one for the "catalyst hypothesis".

The take home message here is that if you have a rock-solid relationship, don't worry; Valentine's Day isn't a hazardous time for relationships that are going well. However, if it's been a rough ride recently, you better put in a solid effort to make sure this Valentine's Day is very special.

Interested in learning more about relationships? Click here for other topics on Science of Relationships. Like us on Facebook to get our articles delivered directly to your NewsFeed.

¹Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine's Day. Personal Relationships, 11, 509-527.

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On the way home from work you have every intention of greeting your partner with a friendly "Hi, how are you? How was your day?" and listening attentively while he or she tells you all about it.

But the minute you open the door and drop your keys on the counter, you find yourself knee-deep in an argument about how he or she bought the wrong type of pepper.

Don't worry: It's perfectly normal to get into arguments like these with your significant other every once in a while, says John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute.

It's what happens next that you need to watch out for, he says.

When you express your frustration over the pepper mix-up, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?

If you find yourself in the second situation, you're likely displaying contempt for your partner, and it could be putting your relationship in jeopardy.

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.

Gottman and University of California-Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson found this single behavior is so powerful that they can use it — along with the negative behaviors of criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — to predict divorce with 93% accuracy.

"Contempt," says Gottman, "is the kiss of death."

The striking 93% figure comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. Since then, decades of research into marriage and divorce have lent further support to the idea linking divorce with specific negative behaviors.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or simply began to disengage from conflict within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce, even as far as 16 years down the road.

So why are couples who exhibit this one behavior more likely to split up?

It comes down to a superiority complex.

Feeling smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other means you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

Picture a resonance chamber, suggests Gottman, with each person in the relationship a source of his or her own musical (or emotional) vibrations. If each partner is closed off to the other person's vibes (or emotions) and more interested in unleashing their own feelings of disgust and superiority, these negative vibrations will resound against one another, escalating a bad situation "until something breaks," Gottman says.

If you've noticed yourself or your partner exhibiting this type of behavior, don't despair — it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.

Being aware that you're doing something that could negatively affect your partner is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll likely greatly improve the relationship — and increase your chances of staying together for longer.

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Sure, having the perfect personality match helps a relationship.

So does the right age difference. 

But if you want to have a long-lasting, intimate partnership, you and your boo need to be able to "repair" after conflicts that inevitably come up. 

"In every good relationship," says psychologist John Gottman, couples have "repairing skills, and they repair early."

It's the number one commonality in successful relationships, he says.

Gottman's certainty comes from 42 years of studying relationships, both as a professor at the University of Washington and cofounder of the Gottman Institute with his wife Julie. John has authored or co-authored 41 books, and together they've demonstrated that human relationships behave in predictable, replicable, and scientifically verifiable ways. 

To err is human, Gottman says, but to repair is divine.

"The thing that all really good marriages and love relationships have in common is that they communicate to their partner a model that when you're upset, I listen," he says. "The world stops, and I listen. And we repair things. We don't let things go. We don't leave one another in pain. We talk about it, and we repair."

That's where gentleness comes in.

"In really good relationships, people are very gentle with the way they come on about a conflict," Gottman says. "They don't bare their fangs and leap in there; they're very considered."

For example, he says: "Instead of pointing their finger and saying, 'You asshole!,' they say, 'Hey babe, it's not a big deal, but I need to talk about it and I need to hear from you.' In bad relationships, it's, 'You're defective, and you need therapy.'"

In this way, the most effective repairs rely on making emotional connections rather than scoring intellectual victories. An effective repair doesn't come from analyzing a problem and being right about it, Gottman says. Instead of turning it into a debate and telling them that they're wrong, you report how you feel. 

Gottman says a successful repair might be: "When you walked out of the room, that really hurt my feelings, because I felt like what I was saying was unimportant to you. And I really need you to stay in the room when we talk about an issue."

Resolving conflict gracefully is a skill in itself.

"To get better at conflict, you have to learn how to talk to each other emotionally — listen to each others' conversation," Gottman says. "That's the skill of intimate conversation, and that's the key to sex and romance, too. If they don't have those conversations, over time their relationship will deteriorate. They'll be living in an ice palace." 

So if you want to prevent your relationship from freezing over, it's necessary to get comfortable with the perceived heat of conflict. 

Miscommunicating, misaligning, and otherwise disagreeing are all natural parts of relating to another human, Gottman says.

It goes against the popularly held belief that people who are "in love" don't hurt each other's feelings and can know what the other person desires without ever talking about it.

Even the most intimate human relationship — that between infant and mother — experiences misalignment.

Mothers and infants don't naturally fall into a beautiful, perfect rhythm of knowing what the other needs and wants. Developmental psychologists have found that mothers and three-month-olds are uncoordinated 70% of the time, and that it's up to the mother — and sometimes the baby — to repair the relationship. 

As other psychologists have told us, tension and conflict play a major part in a relationship's maturation.

Gottman says that conflict, or telling the other person how you really feel, is especially difficult for Americans. The American view is that disagreements and conflict are "bad," he says. 

That outlook is many generations in the making, stretching all the way back to before the colonies broke away from England. Because of that history, America has an "honor culture," he says, so opposition is seen as disrespectful. 

"Anglo-Saxon cultures tend to be honor cultures, where any kind of opposition is viewed as a moral affront," he says. "You don't tolerate disagreement. You think that disagreement is dysfunctional, and agreement is functional. When someone says you're wrong, you take it as a moral affront." 

Not every culture is like that. 

"In Italy," Gottman says, "if somebody tells you that you're full of shit, you say, 'That's probably true, but so are you.'" 

To get better at conflict, we need to shift our cultural perception of it. 

Instead of seeing conflict as a sign that you and your partner are incompatible, you can see it as a natural, constructive part of knowing somebody really well. 

SEE ALSO: Psychologists Say You Need These 3 Compatibilities To Have A Successful Marriage

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In 2000, 32-year-old actor Ed Burns met 31-year-old supermodel Christy Turlington at a party in the Hamptons. By the end of the year, the twosome were engaged.

After a brief split in 2002, the couple reunited and tied the knot in 2003 when Turlington was 25 weeks pregnant with the couple's first daughter, Grace. In 2006, they welcomed son Finn. 

Since the nuptials, the pair have been pretty obsessed with each other.

Well, mainly Burns with Turlington, but can you blame the guy? Not only is Turlington a top model who can command seven figures from a single client, but she's smart, too. Turlington graduated cum laude from NYU in 1999 after studying Comparative Religion and Eastern Philosophy. Today, she heads Every Mother Counts, which provides health education, medicine, and emergency care in poor countries.

Burns, no slouch himself, knows he's a lucky guy, and the actor/director's admiration for his wife can be traced back in 12 year of photos that we gladly pored over.

In April 2003, on the verge of their impending June wedding, Burns snapped photos of his fiancé on the red carpet during the "Confidence" premiere in Los Angeles. But don't worry, he made sure to wear the camera strap in case of getting bumped by any fans or paparazzi!

At the movie's after party, Burns showed off his results to Turlington:

Fast forward to 2007 and Burns has traded in his camera for a Blackberry. Here he is, once again, presumably showing off his latest pics.

By 2009, Turlington knows the drill. She clearly sees her husband reach for his phone in his pocket and tells him to "Keep it moving, buddy!"

During this 2010 photo-op, it's obviously paining Burns that he isn't the one taking the photo of his beautiful wife.

2010 seemed to be an especially smitten year for Burns.

In 2011, Burns was back in control, selfie-ing the day away at the US Open.

Turlington didn't seem to mind.In April 2014, Burns had no shame in pulling out his iPhone and giving the paparazzi a run for their money on the red carpet at the Time 100 party. An ambassador for maternal health, Turlington was named one of Time's 100 Most Influential People. 

May 2014: Burns stretching his selfie arm at the Met Ball.

Even in Turlington's Instagram photos, there is plenty of Burns' selfie arm.

Here's how tha above Met Ball selfie turned out with a little filtering:

But wait, there's more!

Last May, the genetically blessed couple, ages 46 and 47, were the subject of Calvin Klein's campaign for the brand's Eternity fragrance. 

Ed and Christy are cute and all, but here's the kicker...

Chirsty's sister, Kelly, is married to Ed's brother, Brian! The two have a son together born in 2008.

And they all lived happily ever after.

SEE ALSO: Ed Burns reveals what it's like to be directed by Steven Spielberg

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Clint Eastwood's "American Sniper" is breaking box-office records and garnering critical acclaim with six Oscar nominations, but many are questioning the accuracy of the film, which is based on former Navy SEAL Chris Kyle's best-selling memoir of the same title.

While some argue that Kyle, who was shot and killed in 2013 by a Marine veteran suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, may have embellished battle scenes, his widow says their relationship was just as special and loving in real life as it appeared on screen.

Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller played Chris and Taya Kyle in "American Sniper":

The real Chris and Taya Kyle:

Taya Kyle told People magazine in early January: "I was madly in love with him and still am."

Taya, now 40, adds: "I miss him so much. I loved being in his arms. I loved holding his hand. But what I miss most about Chris is the feeling when he was in the room. He just changed the feeling whenever he walked in. I missed him even when he was just gone from the room."

But as seen in the film, the couple's relationship went through a few rough patches as Chris spent long stretches away from his wife and two young children while serving four tours in Iraq.

In 2009, to save his marriage, Chris quit the military to make his wife and children his priority.

"My relationship with him, from the beginning, was just very real. Very real, deep, passionate love. We went through some really hard times, but we found our way back to each other every time," a choked up Taya told Fox News in December. "I'll never have anything like that again, and I'm OK with that because it was special and it deserves to be set in a different category."

Taya clarified the truth behind a few key scenes between her and Kyle in the film.

WARNING: SPOILERS

1. In the movie, Taya and Kyle meet in a bar. The two take shots, and Taya becomes so drunk that she ends up getting sick. Kyle holds her hair back as she vomits.

Taya tells Fox News the story is, unfortunately pretty, close to the truth: "Yes, although I will say it wasn't shots; I think I was drinking scotch on the rocks. And then yes I did vomit, and then yes he did hold my hair back."

2. In the movie, Kyle's wedding was interrupted by news that the US would go to war following 9/11.

In reality, the couple decided to get married because Chris was about to be deployed and had only a few days of leave amid military training.

 3. In one scene, Taya calls Chris, who is in Iraq, to tell him the sex of their unborn child. When a firefight breaks out, Chris drops his phone to shoot and Taya is left on the line to hear the entire ordeal, not knowing whether her husband is dead or alive.

According to Slate: "Kyle once dropped his phone during a firefight and she was forced to hear the whole thing — but not when she was revealing the sex of her baby, as in the film."

4. In the movie, Chris eventually decides to quit the military essentially because he is depressed after seeing so much death.

According to his memoir, Chris told Taya he would not reenlist because their marriage was nearing divorce.

5. At the end of the movie, Taya pulls Chris aside on the morning before his unexpected death (Chris was shot by a veteran he was trying to help) and has a long chat with him about how grateful she is that he returned home and what an amazing father he had become.

According to Slate: "This is not in Kyle's memoir, for obvious reasons, but screenwriter Jason Hall writes in an addendum to the new edition of the book that Taya told him she had this conversation with Kyle a month before his death."

When Chris was killed, he had been in the process of adapting his best-selling memoir into the film that it became. At the time, Bradley Cooper was attached to produce and star as Chris, who wished to have Eastwood direct the movie.

When Eastwood eventually signed on, after Chris' death, Taya tells People magazine the 84-year-old director "was a little choked up. He said, 'I just want you to know that your story has my heart.'"

"I feel like they all have this huge heart for Chris," Taya added. "I really feel like they truly love him and understand him."

When Taya first met actress Sienna Miller — who would be playing her in the film — she says that after just a few sentences, "I was like, 'This is good.' We just connected. It's been a tremendous blessing."

"They spent a lot of time absorbing the details and getting them right in the movie," Taya told Fox News. "Chris would be far too humble to say any of his good qualities, he was very self-deprecating in his humor, and for me to have the ability to tell them what I loved was a beautiful thing."

Through tears, Taya told Fox that she still felt her husband's presence every day:

I do in a lot of ways feel like I still have that relationship, and it still grows because of what I learn and what I experience, and how I can more deeply appreciate what he was going through and I wish that had know more at the time, as people often do. But I also know that he knows the best I could and he was doing the best he could.

We started our lives and we went through war, child birth, happiness, joking through the hard times, and he really changed me into somebody much, much better, and I'm so grateful to him. I carry him with me, I feel him with me all the time and that's a pretty special thing.

Watch Taya's full interview on Fox News below:

"American Sniper" is nominated for six Academy Awards, including best picture, adapted screenplay, and best actor for Cooper.

Taya, meanwhile, has founded the Chris Kyle Frog Foundation to help enrich the relationships of military and first responders' families.

Even though Chris was killed almost two years ago, Taya told People: "He had so much energy in life. There are some people who probably go to heaven and chill and just check in once in a while, but Chris is probably like, 'I'm watching my people!'

"I will miss him every single day of my life."

SEE ALSO: The incredible and tragic story of the real-life 'American Sniper'

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We already told you what scientists have determined to be the reasons behind why men cheat. Now it's time to ask the same question about women.

Produced by Graham Flanagan

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Contrary to what fairy tales may tell you, living "happily ever after" with your partner is going require a few arguments. 

In fact, a couple's ability to handle conflict is the number one predictor of their success.

It's required for the relationship to mature.

"If they don't have those conversations, over time their relationship will deteriorate," says psychologist John Gottman. "They'll be living in an ice palace." 

Gottman, who's authored 40-some books on the science of relationships and cofounded the Gottman Institute for couples therapy with his wife, says that these "repairing" conversations help a couple to become more intimate and more loving. 

"To get better at conflict, you have to learn how to talk to each other emotionally," he says. "That's the skill of intimate conversation, and that's the key to sex and romance, too." 

Intimate conversation — which is a much more enlightened form of arguing — has four components. 

They are: 

• Putting your emotions into words. Your partner's best attempts at listening aren't going to be very fruitful unless you can articulate what's happening in your interior space. It's about "being able to put your emotions into words that really are what you actually feel," Gottman says, which requires understanding your bodily sensations. "Knowing where you feel tense, what relaxed feels like, what truth feels like." A meditation-like technique called Focusing helps with developing that skill. 

• Asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions allow you to explore your partner's feelings. "They open up the heart and have acceptance at the base of them,"Gottman says. For example, you might ask: So what do you feel about this living room — how would you change it if you had all the money in the world? What do you want your life to be like in three years? How do you like your job?

• Making open-ended statements. "These are exploratory statements," he says, where you encourage your partner to tell you a story. For instance: I want to hear all of your thoughts about quitting your job. I want to hear all of your thoughts about your job.

• Empathizing with your partner. Rather than saying you understand, show that you understand. "Empathy is really communicating that you understand your partner's feelings and they make sense to you," Gottman says. "It's really caring about your partner's welfare, not just your own." 

When both people use all four of these skills, they can be vulnerable, honest, and safe — which allows tensions to turn into growth. 

"We teach these skills all the time in couples therapy," Gottman says. "If you don't have those skills, you're kind of screwed in interpersonal relationships." 

SEE ALSO: Psychologists Say You Need These 3 Compatibilities To Have A Successful Marriage

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Have you ever been in the midst of a heated argument with someone when suddenly, he or she pulls out the phone and starts texting?

If the answer is yes — and you find it happening constantly — we hope that person isn't your significant other.

This behavior, known as stonewalling, is one of four reactions that John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute, has identified as a telltale sign that all is not well with a married couple.

In fact, when Gottman and University of California-Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson lumped stonewalling together with three other behaviors — contempt, criticism, and defensiveness — and measured how often they occurred within the span of a 15-minute conversation, they found they could predict which marriages would end in divorce with striking precision.

When the psychologists added questions about things like relationship satisfaction and how many times the research subjects had thoughts about separating to the mix, they could predict which marriages would end in divorce 93% of the time.

The figure, which comes from a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period), was so striking it spurned the researchers to label the four behaviors "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."

While that initial study, published in 2002, was small and focused on a specific population, a decade of research into marriage and divorce has lent further support to the idea that divorce is associated with specific negative behaviors.

One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.

So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviors actually look like in a relationship?

1. Contempt

Contempt, a virulent mix of anger and disgust, is far more toxic than simple frustration or negativity. It involves seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal.

This behavior alone, says Gottman, is "the kiss of death" for a relationship.

Take an everyday argument about buying groceries, for example. When you come home and realize your significant other has picked up habanero peppers rather than bell peppers for tonight's stir-fry dinner, do you listen while he explains that perhaps you didn't ever tell him what type of pepper you wanted? Do you think this over, and, when you realize that maybe he's right, do you apologize? Or do you adopt an attitude and think to yourself, What kind of an idiot doesn't know that bell peppers are for stir-fry and habaneros are for salsa?

The reason contempt is so powerful is because it means you've closed yourself off to your partner's needs and emotions.

If you constantly feel smarter than, better than, or more sensitive than your significant other, you're not only less likely see his or her opinions as valid, but, more important, you're far less willing to try to put yourself in his or her shoes to try to see a situation from his or her perspective.

2. Criticism

Like contempt, criticism involves turning a behavior (something your partner did) into a statement about his or her personal character (the type of person he or she is).

Say your partner has a nasty habit of leaving his or her used cereal bowl — calcified, uneaten cereal-and-milk remnants and all — around the house.

Do you wait until he or she gets home to mention that the behavior bothers you, and gently suggest that he or she put the emptied bowl in the sink or dishwasher instead? Or do you think to yourself, "Why am I dating the type of person who abandons half-eaten cereal bowls around the house?"

Over time, these personal detractions can add up, feeding darker feelings of resentment and contempt.

3. Defensiveness

If you find yourself regularly playing the victim in tough situations with your partner, you might be guilty of being defensive.

Take being late to a cousin's wedding, for example. Are you the first to say, "It wasn't my fault!" when you finally arrive? Or do you think it over before you accuse the other person, realizing you probably shouldn't have taken a 2-hour shower when you only had an hour to get ready?

Taking responsibility for your role in a tough situation can be uncomfortable, but it's often what keeps a bad situation from escalating, says Gottman.

He's found that for couples who divorce within the first several years of their marriage — one of the times when divorce rates are highest — "entering negativity is like stepping into a quicksand bog. It’s easy to enter but hard to exit."

4. Stonewalling

You know when an argument is about to start. You can feel your heart rate increase and your voice get just a tiny bit louder. But the moment things start to get heated, do you pull out your phone, walk away, or simply ignore your partner?

Blocking off conversation can be just as toxic for a relationship as contempt because it keeps you from addressing an underlying issue.

We know: Getting into arguments with your partner is the opposite of a good time. But these temporarily uncomfortable situations are oftentimes the place where you can start to come to big realizations about your own behavior and solve potentially damaging problems.

Don't Panic

It's important to keep in mind that occasionally displaying any one of these behaviors — or all of them, even — is completely normal.

It's when these negative behaviors happen so frequently that they replace more positive interactions with your partner that can be cause for concern.

Simply recognizing that you're doing something that could be hurting your relationship is the first step to actively combating it. If you can figure out how to avoid the behavior or replace it with a more positive one, you'll probably make the relationship even stronger.

UP NEXT: Scientists Say One Behavior Is The 'Kiss Of Death' For A Relationship

SEE ALSO: Why Couples Who Live Together Shouldn't Be In Any Rush To Get Married

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Most people believe that infidelity is a very bad thing,¹ yet a majority of people admit they have cheated on a romantic partner.

In fact, studies have shown that about 75 percent of men and 68 percent of women have cheated at some point in a relationship.^2,3

There are many reasons why people are unfaithful to their partners, but one possibility is that cheating may seem like a more acceptable behavior for us to engage in if we think it's commonplace and widely accepted. If we think that our own cheating is less frequent or severe than the norm, we'll be more likely to let ourselves slide and succumb to temptation. "Everyone else is doing it, so if I have one little dalliance that wouldn't be so bad."

We often compare ourselves to others and compare ourselves to what we believe is typical behavior. According to social comparison theory, if we want to know where we stand on a particular behavior, we compare ourselves to our peers.⁴ So if you want to know if your faithfulness to your partner is typical, you can compare yourself to others.

Research has shown a correlation between our own cheating attitudes and behaviors and the faithfulness of our friends. A study conducted in the Netherlands found that the greater the proportion of their friends people believed to have cheated, the more likely they were to have cheated in the past, and the more likely they were to say that they would be willing to cheat in the future.⁵

These effects were even stronger when asking about their friends' perceived attitudes toward cheating, rather than actual cheating behavior. That is, if we think our friends are cheating, or especially that our friends think it's OK to cheat, we're more willing to do so ourselves.

Believing that our friends are unfaithful can make these behaviors seem both more desirable and more likely to occur.⁶ The researchers argue that these unfaithful friends are providing information about the merits of cheating, and that people assume, based on the frequency of friends' infidelities, that it must be worth the costs.⁵ It should be noted that these findings are purely correlational. Therefore, it's possible that like-minded individuals simply befriend each other - Cheaters hang out with other cheaters. But it is also possible that we are influenced by our friends' attitudes.

We are not just influenced by our friends, but also by whatever we believe is typical behavior among our peers. But sometimes our perceptions of the norms can be wrong. Pluralistic ignorance is when people believe that their own behavior is very different from the norm, when in fact, it is not.⁷ This can lead people to change their own behavior to make it closer to these perceived norms.

We are likely to overestimate the prevalence and acceptability of infidelity for several reasons.⁸ Typically, it is unfaithfulness, not faithfulness, that makes the evening news. Sex scandals involving politicians and celebrities are frequently brought to our attention, whereas faithfulness is not.

Another reason is that if you have been relatively faithful, it's easier to think of examples of other people's infidelities than yours. If your only cheating experience was kissing an ex-boyfriend at a party, but you have some friends who have engaged in more frequent or severe infidelities, you may see yourself as especially faithful. In addition, people are highly motivated to view themselves positively, so we have a bias toward seeing ourselves as especially good, moral people, who would not betray our partners.

In two studies, researchers asked undergraduate students about their own attitudes toward infidelity among students at their university (that is, the extent to which they felt it was acceptable for college students to cheat on their partners), as well as what they thought the average student's attitude was. They were also asked how often they had been unfaithful to a dating partner, and were asked to estimate how often the average student had been unfaithful.

These results showed that pluralistic ignorance about infidelity norms was quite common. The average student felt that their own attitudes toward infidelity were less favorable than the typical attitude and that the typical student had cheated three times as often as they themselves had.⁸

These studies did not address whether those displaying pluralistic ignorance were more likely to eventually bring their own behavior in line with these false norms. But other research on pluralistic ignorance suggests this is likely to happen.

For example, one study found that those who overestimated the amount of alcohol consumption on their campus eventually increased their own drinking to come closer to what they falsely believed was the norm, and that this pattern reversed when they were educated about the true norms.⁹ This suggests that pluralistic ignorance of infidelity norms could follow the same pattern. Thus, even if no one in the peer group believes that cheating is ok, the fact that people falsely believe it's acceptable could make them more willing to give into temptation.⁸ So this could eventually lead to more cheating.

So, if you're thinking that you might as well cheat because people do it all the time or because most people think it's not so bad, you should think again. You are likely to be overestimating just how acceptable it is.

A version of this article orginally appeared on Psychology Today.

Interested in learning more about relationships? Click here for other topics on Science of Relationships. Like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter to get our articles delivered directly to your NewsFeed. Learn more about our book and download it here.

1Lieberman, B. (1988). Extrapremarital intercourse: Attitudes toward a neglected sexual behavior. Journal of Sex Research, 24, 291–299. doi:10.1080/00224498809551427

2Sheppard, V. J., Nelson, E. S., & Andreoli-Mathie, V. (1995). Dating relationships and infidelity: Attitudes and behaviors. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 21, 202–212. doi:10.1080/00926239508404399

3Wiederman, M. W., & Hurd, C. (1999). Extradyadic involvement during dating. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 16, 265–274. doi:10.1177/0265407599162008

4Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human relations, 7(2), 117-140.

5Buunk, B. P., & Bakker, A. B. (1995). Extradyadic sex: The role of descriptive and injunctive norms. Journal of Sex Research, 32, 313–318. doi:10.1080/00224499509551804

6Thompson, A. P. (1983). Emotional and sexual components of extramarital relations. Journal of Marriage and the family, 46, 35-42. doi: 10.2307/351861

7Katz, D., & Allport, F. H. (1931). Student attitudes. Syracuse, NY: Craftsmen Press.

8Boon, S. D., Watkins, S. J., & Sciban, R. A. (2014).Pluralistic ignorance and misperception of social norms concerning cheating in dating relationships. Personal Relationships, 21, 482-496. doi: 10.1111/pere.12044.

9Prentice, D. A., & Miller, D. T. (1993). Pluralistic ignorance and alcohol use on campus: Some consequences of misperceiving the social norm. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 243–256. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.64.2.243

SEE ALSO: Here's one way to tell if your relationship will last

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Your smartphone could be encouraging you to cheat.

A survey conducted by affairs and dating site Victoria Milan revealed that 45% of people have either cheated — or contemplated cheating — on their partner because the other person pays too much attention to their phone.

And that's not the only way that our smartphones goad our unfaithful tendencies. The App Store and Google Play are both crawling with skeezy apps designed to help you get away with cheating. 

Obviously, we're not condoning deceitful behavior — but it is interesting to see how so many apps have popped up to facilitate the process and keep perpetrators from getting caught. 

Vaulty Stocks lets you disguise your foul-play with financials.

App: Vaulty Stocks looks like an app for checking the stock market, but it can become a cheater's treasure trove of naughty pictures and videos. Use it to store things that don't belong in your phone's built in photo album. The app placates snoopers by providing a fully-functional financial interface to anyone who doesn't have the right PIN.

Availability: Vaulty Stocks is $9.99 in the Google Play Store 

User Review Highlight: One Google user wrote, "If ur looking for slick and sly way to keep prying eyes out of ur device then this is the app for u....I use it for porn....that's what u want it for anyway."

Call And Text Eraser does pretty much what you would expect based on the name.

App: You can only open (or even see) Call And Text Eraser, called CATE, if you know the secret code. The app lets you communicate with privacy by hiding calls, filtering flirtatious text messages, and allowing you to clear all the app's contents quickly and easily. 

Availability: CATE is available for Android and costs $4.99.

User Review Highlight: One Google user wrote, "This is the very best app on the android market. This marks the dawn of a new day. A new day where you sneaky women no longer can snoop."

You can't talk about cheating without mentioning the app for Ashley Madison, the infamous affairs website.

App: Ashley Madison's slogan is "Life's short. Have an affair." The app for this salacious site requires a PIN for entry, can provide a private phone line for explicit, untraceable chats, and lets users log out of it remotely.

Availability: This app is technically free to download for iOS or Android but requires you to make in-app purchases to have any functionality. 

Before tying the knot in 2008, my wife, Kim, and I never discussed money.

It wasn't an intentional choice to be secretive — we just never prioritized sharing details about our income, spending habits, or debt when we were dating.

But I had financial skeletons in my closet.

With $18,000 in student loans and another $18,000 from an auto loan, I brought a significant amount of debt into our marriage.

I guess I didn't worry about fessing up to Kim because I wasn't too concerned myself. I figured, with a little discipline, I'd get around to paying it off at some point.

What did alarm me, however, was an incident that happened shortly after our wedding.

In the course of one month, Kim charged $600 of new clothing and designer handbags to our joint credit card — a fact I discovered while looking over the statement one day.

I was truly shocked, and it got me thinking: Did we have a spending problem?

What I realized, after taking a closer look at our finances, is that it wasn't just Kim who was threatening our financial well-being. In just a few months' time, we'd run up a $7,000 balance on our credit cards, thanks to a combination of Kim's shopping, my overspending on everyday expenses, and our $1,400 honeymoon cruise.

When I combined that balance with my own debt and Kim's outstanding $9,000 in student loans, I realized we were on the hook for $52,000 — plus another $350,000 for our mortgage.

RELATED: How I Paid $100,000 Off My Mortgage in Under 2 Years

At the time, Kim was just kicking off her career as a high school teacher, and I was selling flooring. Our combined annual income landed at just around $70,000 — and we had no savings to speak of.

Seeing the numbers in black and white was anxiety-inducing, to say the least. How had we mismanaged our money so badly? And, more important, what did this mean for our future?

Prior to tallying up our debt, we'd talked about traveling internationally, starting a family and, some day, retiring comfortably. There was so much we wanted out of life, but basic math showed us we'd never manage to make progress on our goals while carrying this $52,000 weight.

I knew it was time to get real — and Kim agreed. So we started hashing out a plan that would put us on the path to financial freedom.

Trimming, selling, and communicating — our debt-repayment plan of attack

Whether it's money, business, or any other area of expertise, I've always been a big believer in drawing upon others' success.

So I set out to find inspiration from people who knew a thing or two about money management, devouring personal finance blogs and books for strategies on getting out of debt. We also enrolled in a 13-week personal finance class through our church, which focused on how to better manage money as a couple.

RELATED: 5 Motivating Money Books You Can't Afford Not to Download in 2015

The flood of new information gave way to some powerful changes.

The first thing we did was write down all of our assets, debts, income and expenses on one sheet of paper to see the big picture — and immediately realized we needed to slash our expenses.

Next, I painstakingly reviewed every line item in our budget, and found a lot of opportunities to save. I negotiated our Internet bill to under $20, and canceled our cable package, freeing up another $70 a month. We also scaled back restaurant visits to just a few times a month, and started clipping coupons.

Believe it or not, these measures put an extra $400 to $500 in our pockets each month that we could throw toward debt repayment.

And we didn't stop there. We also took steps to bring more money in.

I started with my brand-new Nissan Altima, which I sold for $16,000, and replaced with a 12-year-old used car for $2,500. Sure, the passenger-side door didn't open from the outside, but I was bettering our financial picture — and that made it worth it.

Selling large household odds and ends online — like our Nintendo Wii and a few of Kim's designer purses — also became part of our routine. And Kim completed some professional development coursework that resulted in a $1,500 raise.

Any time extra money fell in our lap — whether through a pay boost, a hefty tax return, or an item sold online — we automatically earmarked it for debt repayment. Once the momentum was in full swing, we were putting anywhere from $1,000 to $5,000 a month toward our debt.

To stay on track, Kim and I had weekly money talks to review a comprehensive spreadsheet we'd made detailing our finances from month to month. Clicking from one tab to the next, we could literally see our debt gradually shrinking — which served as a powerful visual reminder of our progress.

These weekly money dates also allowed us to hash out problems — like disagreements over how much to spend on entertainment — and encouraged us when we were feeling down.

I remember a few months when we didn't make as much progress because I hadn't earned as much commission from work. But talking through such issues reenergized us to keep going, making our relationship even stronger.

Finally, after 18 months, we crossed over the finish line — and became debt-free.

RELATED: Real People Dish: The #1 Thing That Inspired Me to Get Out of Debt

The debt-free life: 5 years and counting

About four and a half years have passed since Kim and I began the new, financially-free chapter of our lives.

After climbing out of the hole, we prioritized building up our emergency fund to $15,000, which was about five months' worth of expenses — and started saving for a big international trip we'd dreamed about.

After socking away $300 a month for two years, we finally embarked on a two-week trip to Singapore, Hong Kong, and Indonesia. The best part: The vacation was 100% paid in cash.

As simple as it sounds, that's probably the biggest lesson I learned from our financial journey: You can't spend more than you make. It's an obvious rule of thumb, but it was something Kim and I needed to learn the hard way.

Speaking of income, a happy result of our experience is that I'm now generating two to three times more money than I was when we were swallowed in debt … as a financial planner.

It feels great to come full-circle, using my skills and passions in a way that generates income — and helps both us and others work toward financial security.

Today, Kim and I have about $20,000 set aside for retirement, on top of our $15,000 emergency fund. We also have another $5,000 designated for travel and gifts, so we aren't blindsided by baby showers and birthdays.

What's more, after significantly paying down the mortgage on our condo, we sold it toward the end of 2014. Between our equity and an extra $8,000 we'd saved on our own, we were able to put a 20% down payment on a larger home.

And we're going to need that extra space — our first child is due at the end of this month.

Prepping for parenthood got me thinking about what it really means to be a good example. My parents, who are divorced, both individually filed for bankruptcy — so you could say I didn't have the strongest money role models. But when it comes to raising my own children, teaching better money habits is a priority.

And knowing that I took control of my own finances, broke the debt cycle, and forged a new path for my family empowers me to do so.

RELATED: How a Simple White Envelope Resurrected My Finances

LearnVest Planning Services is a registered investment adviser and subsidiary of LearnVest, Inc., that provides financial plans for its clients. Information shown is for illustrative purposes only and is not intended as investment, legal or tax planning advice. Please consult a financial adviser, attorney or tax specialist for advice specific to your financial situation. Unless specifically identified as such, the individuals interviewed or quoted in this piece are neither clients, employees nor affiliates of LearnVest Planning Services, and the views expressed are their own. LearnVest Planning Services and any third parties listed, linked to or otherwise appearing in this message are separate and unaffiliated and are not responsible for each other's products, services or policies.

SEE ALSO: How Simply Tracking Their Spending Helped This Couple Dig Out Of Debt And Buy A Home

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The movies we watch as kids often make us think that relationships should be like Disney fairy tales. 

No conflict. No effort. Easy. 

That sort of "happily ever after" thinking frustrates psychologists, since research shows that if a couple never has conflict, they're bound to get stuck inone toxic dynamic or another. 

It's a peculiarly American problem. 

Psychologist John Gottman, who's studied marriages for 42 years and authored 40-some books on the topic, tells Business Insider that Americans believe "that disagreements and conflict are bad." 

It's one of the country's biggest misconceptions about how marriages work, and one explanation for why divorce rates remain staggeringly high in the US. 

"It's a particularly American view," Gottman says. "Americans believe that talking about your feelings is really bad, too — that just the passage of time will make it better." 

Contrary to what Sleeping Beauty would lead you to believe, confrontations are a part of a relationship's maturation. In fact, research finds that healthy relationships rely on the ability to handle conflict in a healthy way.

Instead of defaulting to the extremes of hiding your emotions or endlessly telling your partner what to do, Gottman suggests practicing "intimate conversation." It's the subtle art of putting your emotions into words and asking thoughtful, exploratory questions of your partner. 

Gottman says that the American hesitance around talking about difficult subjects comes from the country's British, particularly Anglo-Saxon, heritage. 

"Anglo-Saxon cultures tend to be honor cultures, where any kind of opposition is viewed as a moral affront," he says. "You don't tolerate disagreement. You think that disagreement is dysfunctional, and agreement is functional. When someone says you're wrong, you take it as a moral affront." 

Honor cultures hold grudges.

The South harbors an honor culture — it's how you get the Hatfields and the McCoys hating each other for generations. Jewish culture is also honor-bound: You might have a broiges with the "cousins you haven't spoken to for 20 years because they seated you at the table next to the kitchen at their son's bar mitzvah," according to Rabbi Julian Sinclair. 

Such feuds can happen in the context of a marriage: If both spouses take offense at being disagreed with, then you're probably going to run into some long-term feuding, especially if those frustrations are never voiced. 

"In honor cultures, conflict is viewed as irresolvable," Gottman says. "The belief is that once you have conflict, you open the floodgates to envy and greed and lust — all those things have to be suppressed. There's a negative attitude toward the emotional part of life, as opposed to believing conflict is productive."

Like in, for instance, Mediterranean cultures. 

"In Italy," Gottman says, "if somebody tells you that you're full of shit, you say, 'That's probably true, but so are you.'" 

The conclusion may seem paradoxical: If you're going to live happily ever after, you're going to have hear that you're full of it from your partner — and continue the conversation from there.

SEE ALSO: Psychologists Say You Need These 3 Compatibilities To Have A Successful Marriage

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When it comes to making Valentine's Day plans, who's in charge? Is it the guy's responsibility? Or are women supposed to be the planners?

According to the ScienceOfRelationships.com survey (learn more about this survey here), it turns out that most people think both members of the couple (in heterosexual couples) should plan the Valentine's Day festivities (70%). If only one partner does the planning, most believe it's the man's job (27%), with very few people believing it falls on the woman to plan (2%).

]This makes sense: If Valentine's Day is a celebration of relationships, shouldn't couples work together to make sure they'll both enjoy the day?

SEE ALSO: Here's why Valentine's Day ruins relationships

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If you've recently gotten into a heated argument with your significant other, chances are you're familiar with what happens next: Your mind swirls with ideas about how you wish the conversation had gone.

You shouldn't have let your emotions get the best of you, you think to yourself. If only you'd held your tongue about that last bit. You didn't mean to be so, well, mean.

Here's the good news: If you approach your partner about it now, there's a good chance he or she won't be permanently hurt. More importantly, talking about a conflict just after it's happened gives you and your partner the chance to figure out what went wrong and take the necessary action to resolve it.

Practicing this critical step can often be what separates the couples who stay together from those who divorce, says John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and founder of the Gottman Institute.

Gottman and University of California-Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson conducted a 14-year study of 79 couples living across the US Midwest (21 of whom divorced during the study period) published in 2002. They found they could distinguish the couples who stayed together from the ones who eventually divorced with a few simple behavioral patterns.

Other more recent research has built upon those initial findings. A 2015 study of 145 couples, for example, found that those who received trainings on how to address conflicts immediately and with clear communication felt more satisfied with their relationship a year down the road than couples who didn't receive the training. Those who didn't get the training were also more likely to see their interactions deteriorate over the year they were reporting back to the researchers.

Another 2010 study of 373 married couples found that, when both partners engaged positively during an argument — meaning they discussed the topic calmly and made an effort to listen to their partner and better understand his or her feelings — they were far less likely to divorce than couples where there was no positive engagement or when only one partner would engage positively. The results held steady as far as 16 years down the road.

How a successful couple fights vs. how a couples who divorces fights

When it came to how they addressed arguments, couples in Gottman's study who eventually split generally took longer to address a recent argument, often leaving each other to stew in individual thoughts for hours or days after a fight. They also would often cut off discussions about a conflict prematurely with unhelpful, insensitive comments.

Conversely, couples who stayed together would typically discuss their arguments almost immediately after they'd happened, and when they did so they would generally approach one another with an open mind, taking responsibility for their actions and listening to their partner's feelings.

Say you sound off on your partner for leaving the dishes in the sink, for example. Sure, you could spend the next few minutes (or hours or days) telling yourself that it was no big deal or that he or she will get over it eventually. You could even try to justify your actions by telling yourself that your partner shouldn't have been such a slob.

But the longer you wait, the worse the situation is likely to get, says Gottman.

Picture yourself and your partner in a boat, Gottman says, with the emotions that both of you are feeling represented by the sea around you. A small argument stirs the waters a bit and gets the boat rocking. But a quick effort to stabilize the boat — with an open conversation or an apology — can be all that's required to get you back to smooth sailing.

Waiting around, on the other hand, only strengthens the waves — and waiting too long can lead to disaster.

To calm a rocking boat, Gottman suggests you and your partner talk immediately and openly about what just happened. This requires recognizing that both of you are partially responsible for the problem and both of you are responsible for making amends.

In other words, don't bring up a heated argument only to tell your partner that he or she was wrong to begin with, or that he or she was simply being illogical. Why? Because a statement like this does nothing to acknowledge his or her feelings.

"If you tell someone they're not being logical or say something like 'you're getting off track,'" says Gottman, "it just doesn't work. It makes people angry." On the other hand, saying something like, "I can see that this is really important to you; tell me more"— that allows the other person to feel heard, Gottman says.

Next time you feel an argument escalating, try one of these tactics. It might restore some calm to your relationship, or even help keep your boat from capsizing.

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