Self-esteem is a wonderful but delicate thing. When our self-esteem is high, we feel more resilient, we're less vulnerable to anxiety and rejection, and less cortisol, or the stress hormone, is released into our bloodstream.

The positives are obvious, but actually improving our self-esteem can be challenging, especially if we've experienced setbacks in the past. In a blog post on TED, psychologist Guy Winch — who has 20 years experience working with patients — explains that the problem is our self-esteem is rather unstable anyway, as it can fluctuate daily, even hourly.

Another complication is how our careers shape our own worth. For example, a chef will more likely be offended if you don't like the meal they cooked for you than someone who doesn't cook for a living. Winch says this is because cooking is a significant aspect of their identity.

He outlined five ways to help improve your self-esteem, and how to better deal with the blows we experience nearly every day.

1. Use positive affirmations in the right way.

Positive affirmations are a method of practising "you are what you think." The idea is you fill your mind with positive thoughts until you start to believe them.

It's a popular way of going about building your self-esteem because it's simple, but Winch says there's one major problem — positive affirmations tend to make people with low self-worth feel even worse, because anything that's said as an affirmation — such as "I am beautiful," or "I will be successful," can often be too contrary to our own existing beliefs, such as feeling ugly or lazy.

Winch suggests changing "I'm going to be successful" to something more manageable like "I will persevere until I succeed!"

2. Identify what you're good at.

Winch says self-esteem grows when we demonstrate real ability and achievements in the areas of our lives that matter to us. Maybe you're good at running — sign up to some local races and train for them. Keen on cooking? Throw more dinner parties.

The key, he says, is to figure out your core skills and talents and find opportunities — and even careers — that emphasise them.

3. Learn how to accept compliments.

When we feel bad about ourselves, it's hard for anyone else to drag us out of that rut. Winch says we tend to be more resistant to compliments at these times, even though this is when we need them the most.

He says instead of shrugging off compliments as lies, you should set yourself the goal of tolerating compliments when you receive them. Even if you feel uncomfortable — and you probably will — it'll be worth it in the long run.

The best way to stop yourself batting compliments away, he says, is to prepare set responses to certain things, and force yourself to use them until it's automatic. These responses could be simply things like "thank you" or "how kind of you to say."

The impulse to laugh off compliments will eventually fade, which will be a sign it's working and you're starting to believe the nice things people say about you.

The INSIDER Summary

• Your memory can trick you into thinking life was better before you began a relationship.
• Fights happen and you start to fantasize the positive aspects of being single.
• But it's important to remember how valuable your relationship is, even through the hard times.

If you're unhappy in your relationship, is that better or worse than being single? It's a complicated question — though I think being single is always better than being in a relationship that's genuinely bad — but it's one that The School of Life looked into in their recent video. They look at how your memory can play tricks on you to make you think that life before your relationship was better than it actually was.

That being said, sometimes your life was better. I mean, there are some things that you just need in a relationship and if they're not there they're going to cause problems. "The one thing you should look for in a relationship is good conflict-resolution skills," Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills child, parenting, and relationship psychotherapist tells Bustle. "People are generally great at communicating the warm and fuzzy stuff. But when it comes to working out the kinks and differences of opinion that lead to unpleasant fighting, most folks gets stuck."

And you may have other deal-breakers that are important to you. So if a relationship isn't working, you should get out of it — even if you're scared of being single.

That being said, there is something to not letting every fight being a catastrophe and remembering what a relationship brings to your life. Here's how the video broke it down:

Relationship Fights Happen

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Many of us use social media on a daily basis — we check Facebook to see what our friends have been up to, or scroll through Instagram to look at what they had for lunch.

However, new research has shown that the more time young adults spend using social media, the higher their chances of feeling socially isolated. According to a new paper published in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine, people who logged onto social media accounts for more than two hours per day were twice as likely to experience social isolation than those who spent less than half an hour.

The study, conducted by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh, involved 1,787 US adults aged 19 to 32. They were asked about the time and frequency they spent on 11 popular social media sites: Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Google Plus, Instagram, Snapchat, Reddit, Tumblr, Pinterest, Vine and LinkedIn.

To measure their social isolation, the scientists used a tool called the Patient-Reported Outcomes Measurement Information System (PROMIS), which helps people report their own functions, symptoms, behaviors, and feelings.

Overall, those who logged on more frequently reported that they experienced a decreased sense of social belonging, lower engagement with others, and less fulfilling relationships — even when researchers controlled for social and demographic factors like relationship status and living situation in the results. 

Participants who visited various social media platforms 58 or more times per week had about triple the odds of feeling socially isolated than those who visited fewer than nine times per week.

The team came up with several possible reasons for why this might be. Devoting multiple hours to social media each day inevitably leaves less time to talk to others in the real world. Also, seeing friends looking happy or sharing personal successes may make you feel envious. (In reality, many of us only post positive experiences on social media, which gives a distorted view of real life.)

Because the study doesn't answer the question of causality, however, it's also possible that people who are prone to feelings of isolation wind up using social media more often. The researchers can't be certain which comes first.

"It also could be a combination of both," Elizabeth Miller, a senior author of the paper and the chief of the Division of Adolescent and Young Adult Medicine at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC, said in a statement. "But even if the social isolation came first, it did not seem to be alleviated by spending time online, even in purportedly social situations."

Dr Brian A. Primack, director of Pitt's Center for Research on Media, Technology and Health, and lead author of the study, said the issue is an important one to study either way, since mental health problems and social isolation are so common among young adults. 

"We are inherently social creatures, but modern life tends to compartmentalise us instead of bringing us together," he said. "While it may seem that social media presents opportunities to fill that social void, I think this study suggests that it may not be the solution people were hoping for."

Past research about social media has also found that it does not produce the same results as face-to-face communication, even though it's often thought of as a way to increase social interactions. One study from Sunkyunkwan and Seoul Universities surveyed 300 adults, and found that social media use was limited in its ability to help individuals connect with others. Face-to-face communication, on the other hand, helps people avoid social isolation as well as form connections.

A study from the University of Michigan also found that the more participants used Facebook over a two-week period, the lower their levels of life satisfaction were. The team analysed the happiness and well-being of 82 Facebook users who were asked to text their emotional states to the researchers at random five times a day.

The University of Pittsburgh team noted that more study is needed to understand the implications of social media use, since people interact with each other in a lot of different ways online. However, Primack said the results should remind people that on the whole, spending too much time on social media is likely to make you feel isolated. 

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On the spectrum of conversationalists, there are two painfully awkward extremes.

There's the person who's so passive and reticent that trying to make small talk with them is exhausting. And there's the person who's so domineering and self-absorbed that you could vanish into thin air while they were talking and they'd hardly notice.

A chapter in "Pitch Perfect: How to Say it Right the First Time, Every Time," by Bill McGowan and Alisa Bowman, addresses that second awkward extreme, which they label "egg-timer narcissists."

Here's how they describe an ETN:

"In less time than it takes to soft-boil an egg, these self-centered bores plot and execute a master plan that flips the conversation from whatever you might be saying back to their favorite topic: them."

These observations are based on McGowan's years of experience, first as an Emmy Award-winning journalist and then as a communications coach to clients including Sheryl Sandberg and Jack Welch.

McGowan's learned that everyone acts like an ETN at least some of the time — talking about yourself can be inherently satisfying. The key is tempering that impulse so that, most of the time, you're acting like someone with a normal-sized ego.

The authors outline some hallmark behaviors of ETNs in everyday conversation.

• They start off the conversation with a pitch or a story without first getting to know the people they're talking to.
• They make the whole conversation about them, without ever prompting input from their conversation partner.
• They leave the conversation (and the other person hanging) as soon as they see someone they'd rather be talking to.

Doesn't sound like someone you want to be, right? The authors also offer some tips for combatting those ETN tendencies.

• Before you go into a conversation, learn as much as you can about the other person. That way, you can start off by asking them about their hobbies or their family, for example.
• Make the conversation a give-and-take; try to listen and ask questions for at least half the conversation.
• Prepare some polite excuses for when you're ready to end the conversation. Examples include: "I brought a dish that needs to be heated up, so I'm going to hit the kitchen to take care of that. Maybe we can resume our chat a little later" and "My daughter has a big test tomorrow, and I just want to call her and see how the studying is coming along. It's been really great speaking with you."
• Ask specific follow-up questions that show how well you've been listening and prompt the other person to share a story.

Interestingly, the authors also recommend that you pay attention to your facial expression and body language during a conversation. They can quickly convey disinterest, suggesting that you couldn't care less what the other person has to say.

So lean in slightly while others are speaking; make eye contact; and try to appear curious.

McGowan is hardly the first person to recognize the power of listening, as opposed to steamrolling your conversation partner. Back in 1936, Dale Carnegie published his bestselling "How to Win Friends and Influence People," in which he argued that the best way to make people like you is simply to let them talk about themselves.

Ultimately, the authors of "Pitch Perfect" write that listening to your conversation partner can help you:

"It's only by listening that you'll gain important pieces of information about people that you can use to tailor your pitch. So instead of turning to your boss with something bland like, ‘How was your weekend?' you'll be able to trigger a more in-depth conversation by asking, ‘By the way, how's your daughter's semester abroad going?'"

It's a win-win situation.

SEE ALSO: This behavior could be the No. 1 secret to likability

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The most confusing piece of advice in "The Real Thing," Ellen McCarthy's 2015 book about love and relationships, is also the sagest.

Summarizing the findings of a researcher who interviewed hundreds of married women, McCarthy writes: "The collective wisdom seems to be: 'Sometimes you will be miserable. This is the reality of long-term intimacy. Carry on.'"

It's confusing because, well, sometimes you will be miserable? Like, how often? And how often is too often?! Kind of leaves us hanging. 

But in reality, it's impossible to quantify the health of a romantic relationship. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how much and what sort of misery is tolerable — and whether there's enough joy involved to balance it out. 

McCarthy is a Washington Post feature writer who spent four years covering weddings, love, and relationships for The Post. "The Real Thing" is a collection of the lessons she learned on the love beat.

The researcher who interviewed hundreds of married women is Iris Krasnow, author of the 2011 book "The Secret Lives of Wives." She told McCarthy that the No. 1 thing women who were satisfied with their marriages had in common was that they "never bought into the dangerous fantasy — the myth — of Happily Ever After."

In other words, maybe the important thing is not knowing exactly how many moments of misery qualify you for a divorce, but accepting that total happiness is hard to come by.

McCarthy also interviewed Diane Sollee, a marriage educator who explained that too many people have delusional expectations for marriage. They buy into the myth "that if you find your soul mate, everything will be fine."

Yet even if you believe in soul mates and believe that you've found yours, that hardly ensures a blissful union. McCarthy writes: 

"[Sollee] wants couples who are getting ready to walk down the aisle to know — really know— that it will be hard. That there will be times when one or both of them want out and can barely stand the sight of each other. That they'll be bored, then frustrated, angry, and perhaps resentful." 

She adds: "Diane also wants them to know that all of these things are normal." 

Bottom line: Uncomfortable emotions and experiences are an inevitable part of a romantic relationship (and of life in general). Don't expect perfection, and you'll free yourself up to find something close to it.

SEE ALSO: A woman who interviewed 200 couples found most of them describe their happy relationship the same way

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There are three main stages in a narcissist's relationship: idealize, devalue and discard.

As the partner of a narcissist, the relationship starts off being everything you ever wanted and ends with you being cast aside, feeling worthless.

Breaking up with a narcissist is hard, but many people who've done it report that they finally understood how badly they were treated once the relationship was over, and vowed never to fall for the same tricks again.

However, others find themselves repeatedly attracted to these people, no matter how many times they've been discarded. The reasons for this vary; sometimes personal psychological factors cause people to fall for narcissists, while some narcissists are just very good at appearing desirable. 

A 2016 study published in the European Journal of Personality asked 90 people to go on dates, and rate each other's appeal as potential short- and long-term partners. The results of nearly 700 dates showed those with the highest scores on the study's narcissism scale were more likely to be considered "desirable" by those who dated them.

Here are three reasons people find narcissists so appealing, as well as three ways to avoid the cycle of getting sucked into relationships with them.

Reason 1: They believe in their own attractiveness.

In a blog post in Psychology Today, Joe Pierre, a Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences Professor at UCLA, outlines the adaptive and destructive personality traits of narcissists. Pierre says adaptive traits such as self-sufficiency, individualism, confidence, leadership, and ambition are attractive to people when looking for a partner. 

Primarily, narcissists are attractive because they think of themselves as the top prize, and that factors into to how other people see them. They believe in their own value (on the surface, at least), so their charisma and confidence often makes them the life of a party. These are powerful tools when looking to attract a mate.

The destructive traits of narcissists, such as arrogance, entitlement, vanity, and lack of empathy, do turn people off, of course, but they don't tend to show right away.

Reason 2: At the beginning, you are the center of their world.

Narcissists often flatter their partners early in a relationship. When you're just starting to date a narcissist, they can make you feel like you're the most important person in the world, says psychologist Dr Neil J Lavender in a blog post on Psychology Today. This is because narcissists see themselves as the most interesting, intelligent, attractive people in a room, and who they choose to spend time with is a reflection of that. They're likely to tell you how wonderful you are and boast about you to their friends because they have to show you're worthy of their attention. 

However, this bombardment of affection can be taken away as quickly as it appears, Lavender warns — narcissists are prone to discarding people at the drop of a hat. If they feel you're getting too attached or you no longer have value to them, they'll be gone and so will the love. 

Reason 3: You might just be wired that way.

Nobody goes looking for a narcissist, Deborah Ward, author of the book 'Overcoming Low Self-Esteem with Mindfulness,' explains in a blog post on Psychology Today. Instead, these choices get made subconsciously.

Ward refers to the common psychological theory that we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents. If their relationship was abusive, or you were always seeking approval as a child, you may look for a partner with those same traits because you're trying to heal wounds from the past, she says. 

Narcissistic behavior may seem "normal" in these cases because you might be accustomed to being treated badly by those you love. Anything familiar, whether good or bad, feels comfortable, Ward says. The problem is that a comfortable relationship isn't the same as a healthy one, and narcissists are unlikely to give you what you need on a long-term basis.

According to Ward, narcissists often seek out sensitive, kind people, because they can use their empathy to take advantage of them.

The INSIDER Summary:

• A happy marriage can exist even if your partner doesn't feel like he or she is your "soulmate."
• You can still be an amazing couple if you like each other even during difficult times, can agree to disagree, and if your conversations have a spark. 

The whole notion of a "soulmate" is great in theory. They're the person who makes you giddy, and who shares your exact taste in music. You know, that one person fate destined you to find. But how often do people actually end up with this so-called perfect partner? Well, not often. Most of us end up marrying someone who isn't our soulmate — and that's totally OK.

In fact, only about 10 percent of the population finds love "through a soulmate connection," says relationship coach Jeanne Patti, in an email to Bustle The rest of us find a lifelong partnership with a "work mate" or a "play mate" or a "mind mate." We mesh with these people in other — often more practical — terms. It may not sound as romantic, but it doesn't mean these relationships are any less loving.

That's precisely why the phrase "soulmate" should be reimagined to include more than head-over-heels love. As Jeremy Arnold, co-founder of the dating app Launch, says in an email to Bustle, "Butterflies and storybook feelings are great, but the best marriages tend to be built on simple qualities like flexibility, openness, shared values, mutual respect, and the ability to both fight and talk well."

In other words, a happy marriage can be created even if your partner doesn't feel like "the one." As long as there are other positive traits, you two can still make a good pair. Read on for a few of the most important (and loving, and adorable) qualities that could mean your SO it.

1. You Are Always, Always Their Priority

Yes, you both work. And yes, you have friends outside of the relationship. But no matter what comes up or how busy the week gets, your SO always puts you first. "You see in their actions and words that you are a priority and they care about your needs and feelings," says licensed clinical social worker Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, in an email to Bustle. Maybe they leave a get-together to buy soup when you're sick, or put down their book when you really need to talk. Whatever it is, you can rest assured they'll happily drop everything to help.

2. You Have Similar Thought Processes

How many times have you both come home with surprise pizza? Or called each other at the exact same time? Not only are coincidences like these kind of adorable, but they also show you two are on the same wavelength. And, as Milrad tells me, similar thinking is a good indicator of marriage material — as is someone who is willing to compromise when things don't match up.

3. You Like Each Other Even In Tough Times

The beginning of a relationship is all sorts of fun, but it can't go on like that forever. If you guys are thinking about marriage, then you'll have to navigate life's boring/sad/dreadful moments — bills, deaths, sickness, fights, etc. So it's a good sign if you "feel like you partner likes you even when there is conflict," says licensed clinical professional counselor Julienne Derichs, LCPC. And vice versa, of course.

4. You Have A Solid Friend Group

You don't have to like all of your SO's friends, or be involved with them. But it's always a good sign if you two feel comfortable in the same social circles. This applies to getting along with each other's families as well, relationship expert April Masini tells me. If there exists some sort of friend/family bond, consider yourselves off to a good start.

5. You Make Up Easily After Fights

Arguing is a normal (and healthy) part of relationships. So don't worry if you bicker with your partner. If you two can make up easily afterward, then you're on the right track. This is especially true if you can stay civil during the argument. As Milrad says, "Even when upset, you are respectful to and communicative with one another." This is a super important quality if you plan to navigate through life together.

6. You Can Agree To Disagree

Like I said, you don't have to agree on everything. There aren't two people on the planet who can do that. But do take note if your partner can agree to disagree. "It’s a very purposeful way of living filled with respect for each other," says Patti. It means setting down your pride, listening, and picking your battles — all markers of a healthy relationship.

7. Your Convos Have A Spark

Do you two have passionate conversations, even when things aren't necessarily "happy"? If yes, "then you have found a good match — regardless of whether or not they are a 'soulmate,'" says licensed clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., in an email to Bustle. The moment one of you no longer gives AF is the moment the relationship is no longer worth it.

8. They Don't Let You Get Too Comfy

Yes, your partner likes you just as you are. And yet they definitely don't let you sit back on your proverbial laurels. Instead, they always push you to be your best, Milrad tells me. Maybe it's by encouraging you to write that book, or to go back to school. Even if it means seeing you less often, they still want what's best for you.

9. You Don't Need Any Plans

When you're with the right person, you'll be able to hang out together without a fully booked itinerary, Klapow tells me. You'll both enjoy sitting quietly at home, or being in different rooms. Not only does this show you're both secure in the relationship, but that you still enjoy being together even without 24/7 fun.

10. They're Able To Express Their Feelings

You could be with the coolest person in the world, but it won't mean a thing if they can't express their feelings, licensed marriage and family therapist Lana Banegas tells me. You want a partner who is emotionally available, so put a ring on it if he or she knows how to show the love.

11. You Don't "Complete" Each Other

I know this doesn't sound like a bad thing. But you should never be with someone because they complete you. You should be drawn to someone who enhances you — not someone who fills a gap or tries to save you, Klapow tells me. Since healthy partnerships are made up of two unique and separate people, it's not a good thing if you feel like you need your SO. If you do, it could be a sign that you aren't in it for the right reasons.

But if you are, go ahead and tie that knot. A healthy marriage can be made even with someone who doesn't feel like the one. As long as there is trust, support, and commitment, you can consider them your soulmate after all.

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We all face conflict in our day to day lives, be it during our working day or at home. Sometimes a heated discussion is planned, but other times it can occur unexpectedly. 

In these situations, it can be hard to keep your cool, meaning many of your sensible points might get lost in the process. 

In 2010, Nadia Lopez opened Mott Hall Bridges Academy in Brownsville, Brooklyn. The area had a reputation as one of the most violent neighbourhoods in New York City, with the most shootings according to NYPD records. She knew it would be no easy task, but she used her coporate background and experience in education to face the challenges head on. One challenge in particular was knowing how to dial down conflict.

Lopez shared six ways to deal with heated situations in a blog on TED, which can be applied to many different situations, not just in the classroom.

Tip 1: Be transparent.

Being open and honest requires a certain vulnerability, but Lopez says it's a way to restore morale and inspire others. 

When faced with a challenging situation like a conflict, being transparent about what your vision is can build trust between people, which then turns into mutual respect. 

Lopez says people appreciate it when you speak frankly, and that includes admitting when you're struggling. This develops into connections where you understand and support each other, which, she says, is a lot more important than pretending to be a flawless leader.

Tip 2: Be aware of what's going on around you.

Lopez says it's important to stop and ask yourself why something is or isn't working. The best way to do this is to check in with people face-to-face. Sometimes she gathers teachers into focus groups to ask them what's going on, and what can be done to help boost morale. This way, people feel respected and feel that their opinion matters.

She also asks the kids the same; what they enjoy doing and how certain activities make them feel. This way, Lopez herself is accountable for what happens next, and ensuring everyone is comfortable with it.

Tip 3: Centre yourself as the mediator.

If you're dealing with challenges from all sides, like principals do, things can quickly escalate. To combat this, Lopez makes sure she keeps a level head by centring herself as the calm and rational mediator. 

In fact, being calm is so important to her that she tries to spend at least 15 minutes in complete silence.

People can have knee-jerk reactions to situations, and this can make conversations get heated quickly, so Lopez says she often runs situations past friends or family members before responding. This gives a new perspective on things, and often those close to you will be honest about how you could be doing something better. 

Writing things down is also a good idea, Lopez says, because it can help clear you head and weigh up whether something really is worth a fight or not.

Saying "I do" is more than just a commitment to share your life with someone, it's also a pact to share your finances. Once you walk down the aisle, every money-minded decision you make — from saving for retirement to going out to lunch — affects your partner as well.

While there's no magic formula for a successful marriage, there are steps any couple can take to increase their chances of a long and happy life together, starting with their finances.

Business Insider spoke with multiple financial experts about what successful married couples do with their money. Here's what they had to say:

They put their cards on the table

As soon as they get married — or ideally, before — successful couples show their entire hand to their partner. That means coming clean about their salaries, credit card debt, student loans, credit score, and anything else that might affect their financial future as a couple.

"They should sit down and have a very open and honest discussion about their money and what they have," Pam Horack, CFP and "Your Financial Mom" at Pathfinder Planning LLC, told Business Insider. "That's really the first place to start, just to make sure and get organized so that they each know what the other person has."

They talk about money — a lot

When it comes to synthesizing money and marriage, it doesn't matter so much what couples do with their cash, but that they make decisions together and respect each other's opinions.

"Be open and be honest," Katie Burke, CFP at Wealth by Empowerment, told Business Insider.  "I think that having a disagreement — agreeing to disagree — is not a bad thing. Because hearing what someone else has to say, it may or may not make sense to you, but it helps to have another side to something. Be patient and just hear someone out."

Just as each relationship is unique, each couple's financial situation is as well. Spouses should discuss joint banking accounts, who's paying which bill, and how they want to use any discretionary income as a team. At the end of the day, it's all about clear communication.

"It's knowing what the other person is spending on or saying, 'Hey, this other person has $200 a month that I don't know what they're spending on, and that's okay.' It's being okay and trusting that other person that they can spend their money on whatever," Horack says.

They work toward specific goals

Successful couples come up with goals together and check in frequently to make sure they're on the same page.

"While you may have different ways you handle your money on the day to day, when you know what you're both collectively working towards for the long term, you'll be able to make decisions that help you get closer to these goals," Pamela Capalad, CFP and founder of Brunch and Budget, told Business Insider.

Do you want to purchase a home together? Are you saving up for kids? How much of your paycheck should go toward retirement? Successful couples talk about where every dollar is being spent and retool their goals annually, Burke says.

They divvy up responsibilities

Whether or not you open joint accounts, as soon as you get married tasks like paying the rent or mortgage, utilities, retirement accounts, and other expenses and bills become the responsibility of both parties. Successful couples don't assume their partner will take care of certain aspects, they work together to divvy up financial responsibilities.

"Decide how you're going to handle the finances and who is handling what," says Capalad. "There is no right answer, but it's important to be on the same page and not let it default to one person or the other without having a conversation about it."

They buy enough insurance

The biggest financial mistake Sophia Bera, CFP and founder of Gen Y Planning, sees 30-somethings make is being underinsured — especially if they have another person depending on them, such as a spouse or children.

"In your 30s a lot of people have kids, a lot of people are married, have homes, our lifestyle is a little bit more expensive, and we're also responsible for other people," Bera told Business Insider during a Facebook LIVE. "And oftentimes we are underinsured in terms of term life insurance."

When couples bind their lives together, it doesn't just create an emotional bond, but a financial one as well. If something were to happen to either spouse, it's better to be safe than sorry and know the other person is taken care of.

Bera recommends getting a term life insurance policy that's seven to 10 times your salary — enough to be able to cover your income, pay off a mortgage, and take care of your kids if anything were to happen to you.

They create a will

Though often overlooked, estate planning documents, such as wills, are key factors in a successful financial future. As soon as they walk down the aisle, couples should think about naming beneficiaries, healthcare proxies, and powers of attorney. When kids come into play, it's important to name guardians for them as well, Burke says.

Not only that, but couples should update these documents at least every five years, as goals and circumstances can drastically change over time, Burke says.  

They don't judge each other

Everyone has different priorities, and part of operating within a partnership is to respect your partner's choices. That includes keeping an open mind if your spouse's spending habits differ from your own.

"Don't judge what your spouse spends their money on," Capalad says. "If you truly think your partner has a spending problem, then it's time to have an honest and loving conversation with them. If you're just annoyed that they spent money on something that you would never spend money on, then take a step back, take a breath, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt."

Horack agrees. She emphasizes the importance of trusting your partner and letting them spend money on whatever makes them happy, as long as it's not to the detriment of your finances overall.

They live below their means

Just because you can technically afford a $500,000 house doesn't mean it's the best choice for your family or your finances. Purchasing a home at the top of your budget ties up cash you could be putting toward other goals, such as travel, college funds, or retirement savings.

"Spend less than you think that you need to," Horack advises.

She emphasizes that "everything we have … it's all temporary." Will you downsize after your kids head off to college? How long will you have your car before trading up to a newer model? At the end of the day, many 'big' purchases aren't as permanent as they seem.

They don't hide anything from each other

Successful couples "never hide [money] from each other and they never use it as a point of resentment or as a weapon in a conversation," Capalad says.

From revealing their credit card debt to discussing day-to-day purchases, couples in successful marriages aren't secretive about money. They're open with each other about their spending habits and aren't afraid to own up to their mistakes, Horack says.

She warns that hiding money mistakes from a partner can lead to distrust and create bigger issues down the line.

They set ground rules

Melding your finances with another person's can be overwhelming. Your spending habits are no longer purely your own; they affect someone else as well. That's why it's crucial to decide how and when you'll spend, and create a set of ground rules for handling money that works for both you and your spouse.

"[You] need to figure out how [you're] going to budget, that's the biggest thing," Horack says. "There's no wrong way to do it, but [you] both need to agree on what the process is, who's paying for what."

They have a prenup

"To people who are considering marriage, I highly recommend a prenuptial agreement," Burke says. "Unfortunately, most marriages end in divorce. So why not have that conversation when you can have the conversation? Not necessarily who's going to get the house, but the financial side of things."

If prenup talk seems like too loaded of a conversation to have before the wedding, Burke suggests discussing a post-nuptial agreement instead, where couples create the document together after they're already married. It serves the same purpose as a prenup, but allows the couple to discuss their options without the pressure of their impending wedding.

Even if they decide against getting a prenup, it's smart for couples to at least have the conversation.

They have fun together

"Dealing with your finances in general will always be stressful at one point or another, but at the end of the day, money is a means to an end, and part of that end is being able to nurture your relationship," Capalad says.

Money can be a point of contention, but successful couples don't let it run their relationship. They don't make it the ultimate goal, they use it to fuel other goals.

"When you can find ways to remind yourselves why you're together in the first place, it makes all the smaller arguments seem much less important," Capalad says.

SEE ALSO: A financial planner reveals the best money habit for 30-somethings

DON'T MISS: The 'bad' money advice people need to stop taking, according to former Wall Street executive Sallie Krawcheck

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NOW WATCH: 5 facts about relationships everyone should know before they get married

The INSIDER Summary:

• A sex and intimacy coach reveals the signs that prove you're great at kissing.
• It's all about body language.
• Are you both smiling? Do you have a rhythm going? IS your heart beating faster? These are all great signs.

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Kissing is a beautiful, magical experience, but it can also be overwhelming and downright confusing, especially if you're kissing someone new for the first time. So what are some signs you're great at kissing? "What makes a makeout session great is the willingness to be present in the moment without an agenda for getting to a particular destination,"Zoë Kors, a sex and intimacy coach, tells Bustle. "Kissing is a destination in and of itself. When we view kissing as a necessary prelude to sex, we are missing the beauty and the value of an exquisite way to connect with lover and cultivate intimacy."

If you're on a first (or second or even third) date, it's normal to feel queasy when you're going in for the kiss. But try not to show your anxiety if you can help it. "Confidence is a turn on for all genders," according to Heather M. Claus, founder of DatingKinky."Many people rate it as high or higher than physical appearance in what they are drawn to. If you are not confident, fake it by relaxing your body."

Confidence is all about your body language, your tone of voice, and — interestingly — your scent, says Claus. Your partner will notice, for instance, if your body feels tense. Also, oftentimes when we're nervous, our voices will rise by an octave, which isn't that big of a deal but still worth keeping in mind. Finally, you'll sweat if you're nervous and that releases pheromones, which your partner will smell unless you're wearing some sort of deodorant or perfume.

So How Do You Boost Your Confidence?

Feeling connected to each other will make things easier in the heat of the moment, Kors says. When you're just getting to know someone, simple things like cracking jokes and swapping stories will naturally make someone feel closer to you. "Luckily, if you spend time really connecting and you feel that tingle growing all night (and not just in your pants), you've got a great chance to have chemistry when you kiss," she says.

And, of course, it's totally possible to have a great makeout sesh without going through the motions. Even if you're in the middle of a hookup and you're not sure how or when to start smooching, Kors suggests taking things slow to create a buildup of excitement. "Wait for a long time to put your tongue in each other’s mouth," Kors says. "If you were engaging in intercourse, you wouldn’t just stick it in, you’d engage in foreplay until you were both ready for penetration. Use the same ideology for kissing. Prime the canvas prior to penetration. Whenever we engage in physical intimacy, we need to feel ready to accept someone into our bodies. Honor that process and each other by building up slowly."

Of course, a good kiss isn't guaranteed. Some people just don't have good sexual chemistry with each other (due to biological stuff like hormone and immune system compatibility), and that's OK.  Here are signs things are going in the right direction:

1. You've Got A Rhythm Going

A big part of making out is just going with the flow and seeing where things head to. Obviously, if it seems like your partner keeps pulling away, that's probably a sign to end the kiss. But if you've gotten used to each other's lips and are both moving passionately against one other, you're probably doing a good job.

"Kissing is like a dance," Kors says. "Start by allowing your partner to take the lead. See where they take you. Follow, allow, receive. When you see an opportunity, take control, kiss them back, twirl them around, and dip them. Then lay back and create a space for them to step into again and lead. If you approach a makeout session this way, it establishes a rhythm which can last for hours."

2.Your Partner Can't Seem To Get Enough

Is your partner moving closer to you, running their fingers in your hair, or brushing against your cheek? Congratulations, they're into you. If you've been kissing for a while and you both start to get a little hands-y, that's a good sign things are progressing. (Again, of course, you should never feel like you have to take things to the next level if you don't want to.)

"I have a favorite trick that has always worked for me," Claus says. "Pull back the tiniest bit. Not even a half inch. If your partner follows you, or pounces, they are having a good time. You can try this a few times throughout the evening, but don't make it a game of chasing you down."

3. Your Heart Is Beating Faster

Consider doing something exciting and fun before getting physical. The delay in satisfaction will make the imminent kisses so much better. You'll be able to tell if the kiss is good if your heart rate starts to increase. "Seriously, going for a hike on a date, to an amusement park, or even to a movie with strong emotions or kickass scenes (horror works as well) will get those heart rates up," Claus says. "When you kiss and your hearts are beating hard, it actually makes your bodies think that your heart rates are due to the excitement of the kiss, and it feels that much better.

To maximize that anticipation, Kors suggests only going in for the kiss "when it's impossible to resist." Start by making eye contact, which will up the desire level for both of you. "Move in for a kiss, but stop short of contact," Kors says. "With your lips just a hair’s breadth apart, pause and feel each other’s breath. Notice the excitement build. Move your face side-to-side slightly so that your lips barely brush each other’s. Spending time in this way cranks up the heat. By the time you are actually going in for the kiss, you’ll be craving each other."

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NOW WATCH: Here’s why flights take longer than they did 50 years ago

Prioritizing what's important is challenging in today's world. The split focus required to maintain a career and a home, not to mention a Facebook feed, can feel overwhelming.

Enter the science of what to prioritize, when.

For over 75 years, Harvard's Grant and Glueck study has tracked the physical and emotional well-being of two populations: 456 poor men growing up in Boston from 1939 to 2014 (the Grant Study), and 268 male graduates from Harvard's classes of 1939-1944 (the Glueck study).

Due to the length of the research period, this has required multiple generations of researchers. Since before WWII, they've diligently analyzed blood samples, conducted brain scans (once they became available), and pored over self-reported surveys, as well as actual interactions with these men, to compile the findings.

The conclusion? According to Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one thing surpasses all the rest in terms of importance:

"The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."

Not how much is in your 401(k). Not how many conferences you spoke at — or keynoted. Not how many blog posts you wrote or how many followers you had or how many tech companies you worked for or how much power you wielded there or how much you vested at each.

No, the biggest predictor of your happiness and fulfillment overall in life is, basically, love.

Specifically, the study demonstrates that having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, helps your brain stay healthier for longer, and reduces both emotional as well as physical pain.

The data is also very clear that those who feel lonely are more likely to see their physical health decline earlier and die younger.

"It's not just the number of friends you have, and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship," says Waldinger. "It's the quality of your close relationships that matters."

What that means is this: It doesn't matter whether you have a huge group of friends and go out every weekend or if you're in a "perfect" romantic relationship (as if those exist). It's the quality of the relationships — how much vulnerability and depth exists within them; how safe you feel sharing with one another; the extent to which you can relax and be seen for who you truly are, and truly see another.

According to George Vaillant, the Harvard psychiatrist who directed the study from 1972 to 2004, there are two foundational elements to this: "One is love. The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away."

Thus, if you've found love (in the form of a relationship, let's say) but you undergo a trauma like losing a job, losing a parent, or losing a child, and you don't deal with that trauma, you could end up "coping" in a way that pushes love away.

This is a very good reminder to prioritize not only connection but your own capacity to process emotions and stress. If you're struggling, get a good therapist. Join a support group. Invest in a workshop. Get a grief counselor. Take personal growth seriously so you are available for connection.

Because the data is clear that, in the end, you could have all the money you've ever wanted, a successful career, and be in good physical health, but without loving relationships, you won't be happy.

The next time you're scrolling through Facebook instead of being present at the table with your significant other, or you're considering staying late at the office instead of getting together with your close friend, or you catch yourself working on a Saturday instead of going to the farmer's market with your sister, consider making a different choice.

"Relationships are messy and they're complicated," acknowledges Waldinger. But he's adamant in his research-backed assessment: "The good life is built with good relationships."

SEE ALSO: A Harvard psychologist says too many people think about happiness all wrong

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NOW WATCH: A body-language expert analyzes Trump's unique handshakes

There are lots of easy ways to boost your sex appeal. Walk a dog; play good music; tell a joke.

There are, unfortunately, at least as many easy ways to sabotage your sex appeal. Think slouching or crossing your arms in your online dating photo. Swipe left!

Below, we've rounded up some all-too-common traits and behaviors that can make it harder to score a date — only some of which have to do with your physical appearance.

SEE ALSO: 13 science-backed ways to appear more attractive

Sleep deprivation

We can look a lot less attractive after skimping on sleep.

In 2010, researchers from Sweden and the Netherlands took photos of people who'd slept for at least eight hours the night before and people who hadn't slept in 31 hours. Sleep-deprived people were rated as less healthy and less attractive.

Three years later, the researchers went into more detail, and other participants rated the people in the photos based on different criteria.

In general, participants said that sleep-deprived people had more "droopy/hanging eyelids, red eyes, dark circles under the eyes, and pale skin." They even looked sadder than their better-rested counterparts.

Being mean

Do nice guys really finish last?

For a 2014 Chinese study, researchers had men and women look at photos of other people, all displaying neutral expressions.

Some of those photos were accompanied by the Chinese words for "decent" and honest"; the others were accompanied by the Chinese words for "evil" and "mean"; still others weren't accompanied by any information.

Participants ended up rating people least attractive when they were described as evil and mean.

Contractive body language

The "power pose" is a controversial topic in the scientific community. A 2010 study found that expanding your body can make you feel more powerful and confident, but one of its authors recently said the effects aren't real.

But a 2016 study from researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, Stanford University, the University of Texas at Austin, and Northwestern University suggests that striking something like a power pose can make you seem more attractive — and contractive body language can make you seem less so.

In one experiment from the study above, researchers created profiles for men and women on a GPS-based dating app. In one set of profiles, the men and women were pictured in contractive positions — for example, by crossing their arms or hunching their shoulders.

In the other set of profiles, the same men and women were pictured in expansive positions, like holding their arms upward in a "V" or reaching out to grab something.

Results showed that participants were more likely to choose people in expansive postures as someone they'd like to go on a date with than those in contractive postures. And men pictured in contractive postures seemed to be at a special disadvantage.

Everyone has the potential to be interesting.

You don't have to be a billionaire, or a CEO, or an astronaut to hold people's attention — you can just be you.

It's a question of knowing how to highlight the traits that make you different from the person next to you.

Over on Quora, dozens of people have answered the question, "How do I become a more interesting person?" with insights based on their own experience. We sifted through their responses and pinpointed the most practical advice.

Read on for ways to convince other people — and more importantly, yourself — that you're a fascinating human being.

1. Develop new skills

Ensure that other people find you interesting by making yourself helpful in any situation. That's why Quora user Anthony N. Lee suggests learning as many useful skills as you can, from web design to sewing.

That way, you'll always be the go-to person, whether a friend needs to create a website for her new business or a blanket for her baby niece.

2. Be curious

One way to ensure that you're not interesting is by closing yourself off to differing opinions and viewpoints. Instead, you should actively seek out new ideas and experiences that will change the way you think and feel.

Sudhir Desai advocates being a "lifelong learner."He writes: "Keep an open mind, be curious. Allow for a complex world with multiple interpretations. Learn things to deepen and broaden your perspectives." 

3. Learn how to tell a good story

Maybe you've amassed a ton of information and experiences — but if you can't communicate them to other people, you're sunk.

That's why Marcus Geduld says you should learn how to be a storyteller: "You don't just dump whatever is on your mind into the conversation; you purposefully shape it to make it interesting. … Start thinking of your life as a gift you can give to others. Wrap it in the finest paper you can find."

Geduld says that means you need to learn how to read your audience to see how long they'll be able to pay attention and tease your listeners with clues to the end of the story. 

Interestingly, recent research found that men who can tell a good story are also seen as more attractive by women. The study authors say that's possibly because skilled storytellers may seem better positioned to influence others or gain authority.

4. Have three good stories ready to share

Knowing how to tell a story spontaneously is a handy skill — but if you're nervous about that, arm yourself with a few personal anecdotes you can use to liven up an otherwise dull interaction.

Writes Devesh: "Comedians don't just talk about anything when they're onstage. They have their act rehearsed. You don't just trot into a job interview and say whatever's on your mind. Always have three good stories on hand that reliably entertain, inform, or engage."

5. Listen and show compassion

A striking number of Quora users mentioned that one way to seem interesting is to be interested in others.

This idea was popularized by Dale Carnegie in his 1936 bestseller "How to Win Friends and Influence People."Carnegie wrote: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Writes Quentin Hardy, a Googler and former editor for The New York Times: "Listen carefully to others, and try with some compassion to understand their motives and actions. Few of us are really good at this. Everyone becomes nearly infinite in their experience of life, if we listen to them with enough imagination. Working that out grows ourselves. Wondering if you're wrong helps, too."

6. Ask good questions

At a party, you don't need to say much about yourself for people to believe you're interesting. Instead, engage them in deep conversation about their lifestyle.

"Ask thoughtful (not prying) questions, as needed, about them and their interests and priorities,"says Stephanie Vardavas. "Really listen to the answers. Follow up with more thoughtful discussion and necessary questions (again, not prying). By the end of the evening they will remember you as one of the most interesting people they ever met."

Don't be embarrassed to ask seemingly simple questions, either. As Evan Ratliff, a journalist who's written for publications including The New Yorker, told Fast Company: "There's typically no point in pretending you know something when you don't. As a reporter the goal is to gather information, not to impress your subjects. You'd think it would be different in business, but it's not."

By asking those simple questions, you may end up impressing your new acquaintances, anyway.

7. Say what you think

Kat Li says people who don't opine on or disagree with anything can be boring.

"You feel like you can't really ever have a conversation with them," she writes. "You should try to say what you really think about some things, even if other people won't like it."

8. Follow your interests

Instead of learning about a ton of dull topics just for the sake of being knowledgeable, pursue areas that you actually find stimulating. That way, you'll sound animated and engaging when describing them to other people.

"I don't think it's as much a matter of trying to be interesting as much as it is naturally following what you enjoy, being an avid student and collector of information that interests and excites you,"writes Renee Nay.

9. Read a lot

If you have the time and money to travel the world, great. But even if you don't, you can still learn about different cultures and historical periods by reading everything you can get your hands on.

Books, blogs, periodicals — expose yourself to as many new stories and ideas as possible.

Based on a review of the past decade of research on the psychological effects of reading fiction, Keith Oatley told The Washington Post: "People who read more fiction were better at empathy and understanding others."

"Read a lot — it opens up multiple new worlds to us,"says Chaitra Murlidhar.

10. Display a sense of humor

Awdesh Singh suggests developing a sense of humor in your interactions with others. "Learn to see the lighter side of the life," he writes, "and develop a habit to be happy even in your failings."

Bonus if you're trying to impress a date: Research suggests men who are funny are perceived by women as more attractive, possibly because they seem more intelligent.

11. Spend time with other interesting people

Singh adds that the company you keep influences your own personality. "If you are in the company of boring people, disgruntled people or serious people, you are likely to become like them very soon," he says. "The same is true when you have the company of interesting people."

Consider joining a Meetup or another group of people who are motivated to pursue their interests and passions.

12. Dig deep into one of your interests

You might be tempted to become a dabbler in many fields, developing a little bit of knowledge about everything. Instead, consider knowing a lot about one topic and flaunting your expertise in that area.

April Fonti says she finds people interesting when they "really pursue one thing with great intensity and depth over a long period of time. They could be very successful scientists or just quiet loners. It doesn't matter."

13. Take an improv class

Comedian Bill Connolly told Fast Company that practicing the art of improvisation can help improve your communication skills in daily life. One reason why is that it makes you a better listener, focusing on what the other person is saying instead of what you're going to say next.

Ken Gregg says:

"Even if you're shy and have no intention of ever performing publicly, comedy improv will loosen you up, help you 'think faster,' re-learn how to be playful (something most adults have lost), and make you feel more comfortable making a fool of yourself in front of other people (a life skill that comes in handy frequently). It can open you up and help you become more engaged when interacting with other people."

14. Be unconventional

Evan Asano says being interesting comes down to being in some way different from everyone else.

He writes: "A friend of mine after college did something no one's ever done before (at least known). He circumambulated Martha's Vineyard via its beach/shore. It only took a couple days and some camping gear. 20 years later he still tells the story."

Still, not everyone has the resources or the motivation to set off on a record-breaking camping trip right now. So think about the unusual experiences you've already had. Maybe you've lived in a foreign country; maybe you sell art projects as a side gig; maybe you grew up with 10 siblings. There's definitely something, so keep digging.

15. Embrace your weirdness

"We all have quirks,"writes Del Singh. "It is part of our being. Interesting people unleash their inner weirdness."

Dressing, speaking, and acting like everyone else can be kind of boring — we're not in junior high school anymore. So let your freak flag fly, and do it with confidence.

16. Open up to people

Danielle Lan shares a personal story, the moral of which is that no one will know how interesting you are unless you tell them:

"My husband has been described as boring. He's really a very fascinating man, with all his quirks and hobbies. The problem is he never shares with his coworkers or acquaintances.

"When asked 'How was your weekend?' his response is usually, 'Fine'. In fact he probably took part in a huge raid in his favorite MMO [massively multiplayer online game] before watching a new movie and finishing an interesting book. But he won't share that with just anyone.

"To be what people perceive as interesting you have to share. That also means you have to have things to share. It's a rare person who literally does absolutely nothing and has absolutely no opinion on any given topic. My advice is to open up."

Indeed, research suggests that people like each other better when they each share something personal, as opposed to when only one person does.

17. Run with a different crowd

Perhaps the real reason you don't feel interesting is because you're spending time with people who don't appreciate you. In that case, you should find a different community who understands how much you have to offer.

Writes Travis Biziorek: "Challenge yourself to meet new people, hang out with a different crowd, and experience people with different outlooks and views on life. I promise you'll find people that interest you and those that find you fascinating."

SEE ALSO: 10 habits of extremely boring people

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For all their awkward stereotypes, first dates can also be awesome. Presumably, you've never met the person before, or only chatted with them briefly — meaning everything is potential fodder for discussion.

Where'd you grow up? Do you like your job? How's your relationship with your sister? And so on.

Then, suddenly, it's 10 years later, and you're married with a kid and a mortgage. At this point, you know your partner like a book and, aside from what time the babysitter's coming and who wants which leftovers for dinner, there is nothing left to discuss.

This is where the 10-minute rule comes in.

The rule is a suggestion from sociology professor and relationship expert Terri Orbuch.

As Orbuch describes it in her book "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great," the rule is a "daily briefing in which you and your spouse make time to talk about anything under the sun — except kids, works, and household tasks or responsibilities."

Orbuch developed the rule after learning that most of the happy couples she studied know their spouse "intimately" — outside the bedroom — and make time often to exchange intimate knowledge.

According to Orbuch, learning new information about your partner makes things feel fresh and new again, and "mimics the emotional and physical state you were in during the first few years of your marriage."

Presumably, it can also replicate the less stilted parts of your first few dates, when every sentence out of your partner's mouth was a revelation that led you down a romantic rabbit hole of curiosity.

In the book, Orbuch offers suggestions for what to talk about during your daily 10-minute briefing. Generally, you should touch on friends, stressors, life dreams, and values.

As for specific questions, you might want to ask:

• Do you think you are/were closer to your mom or dad? Why?
• What age do you feel like inside? Why?
• What do you think are the top-three worst songs of all time?
• What is the one thing you want to be remembered for?

Ultimately, the 10-minute rule is a daily reminder that you will always be learning about your spouse. As Orbuch says, "People change. People develop. People forget."

Some couples know this inherently — and their desire to keep abreast of all the ways their partner is growing can be inspiration for the rest of us.

In "The Real Thing," a book by former Washington Post weddings reporter Ellen McCarthy (where we first learned about the 10-minute rule), McCarthy writes that a groom once told her, a week before his wedding, that he was still learning about his bride and probably always would be.

And in journalist Jonah Lehrer's "A Book About Love," Lehrer writes about a couple whose marriage was arranged; the wife said of her husband that she would always be getting to know him, as long as they were together. As Lehrer concludes, romantic attachments require "endless work."

Bottom line: Sometimes life gets in the way of love. The bathroom renovation in progress can seem a whole lot more relevant than your partner's hopes and dreams.

But there's room for both — if you've got a spare 10 minutes and a willingness to put in that work.

SEE ALSO: A researcher who interviewed hundreds of married women found the happiest 'never bought into' a 'dangerous fantasy'

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NOW WATCH: 1,500 happily-married people say the key to lasting relationships isn’t communication — it’s respect

It's hard to say exactly why you like someone.

Maybe it's their goofy smile; maybe it's their razor-sharp wit; or maybe it's simply that they're easy to be around. You just like them. 

But scientists generally aren't satisfied with answers like that, and they've spent years trying to pinpoint the exact factors that draw one person to another.

Below, we've rounded up some of their most intriguing findings. Read on for insights that will cast your current friendships in a new light — and will help you form better relationships, faster.

SEE ALSO: 12 things you're doing that make people dislike you immediately

1. Copy the person you're with

This strategy is called mirroring, and involves subtly mimicking another person's behavior. When talking to someone, try copying their body language, gestures, and facial expressions.

In 1999, New York University researchers documented the "chameleon effect," which occurs when people unconsciously mimic each other's behavior. That mimicry facilitates liking.

Researchers had 72 men and women work on a task with a partner. The partners (who worked for the researchers) either mimicked the other participant's behavior or didn't, while researchers videotaped the interactions. At the end of the interaction, the researchers had participants indicate how much they liked their partners.

Sure enough, participants were more likely to say that they liked their partner when their partner had been mimicking their behavior.

2. Spend more time around the people you're hoping to befriend

According to the mere-exposure effect, people tend to like other people who are familiar to them. 

In one example of this phenomenon, psychologists at the University of Pittsburgh had four women pose as students in a university psychology class. Each woman showed up in class a different number of times. When experimenters showed male students pictures of the four women, the men demonstrated a greater affinity for those women they'd seen more often in class — even though they hadn't interacted with any of them.

3. Compliment other people

People will associate the adjectives you use to describe other people with your personality. This phenomenon is called spontaneous trait transference.

One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that this effect occurred even when people knew certain traits didn't describe the people who had talked about them.

According to Gretchen Rubin, author of the book "The Happiness Project,""whatever you say about other people influences how people see you."

If you describe someone else as genuine and kind, people will also associate you with those qualities. The reverse is also true: If you are constantly trashing people behind their backs, your friends will start to associate the negative qualities with you as well.

About a year ago, I went to a networking night for media professionals, hosted by my alma mater.

I said hello to a few people I recognized, sat through the presentations without asking any questions, and as soon as they were over, made a beeline for the door.

Rest assured, that's not the way I normally behave at networking events. Normally, I don't go to those events at all.

Judging by the number of Quora and Reddit threads on the topic, it seems like I'm in good company — a lot of people think networking is awkward, and/or gross, and/or generally useless.

But the key, according to the people who've posted on these threads, is finding a way to make networking work for you.

If you don't relish the idea of handing out business cards, or having 60-second conversations with 60 different people in a single night, or asking for favors outright, you don't have to. There are other ways to find jobs and learn more about your industry.

Below, we've rounded up some of the best networking advice out there — advice that few people are quite skilled or confident enough to be able to ignore.

1. Leverage your existing connections

Networking tends to be associated with meeting new people. But that's not always the most effective strategy.

On Quora, Nelson Wang writes: "Realize that some of your best connections are existing ones. Reconnecting with your existing network is incredibly powerful because you already have a relationship with them."

As Steve Cadigan, former VP of Talent at LinkedIn, told Business Insider's Aine Cain, cultivating your current connections is often the best approach.

"It could be your tennis coach. It could be your history professor. It could be your senior thesis adviser. It could be so many people," he said. It could even be your college classmates — so keep in touch with them.

"You've got to start somewhere."

2. You can start small

Cut yourself some slack. Redditor cjerrells writes:

"Don't feel like you should be an amazing networker overnight.

"Instead, attend your next event saying ‘I'm going to introduce myself to *one** person'*. Then, the one after, you aim for two."

3. Offer to help people

"Find ways to add value to others without expecting anything in return," Mike Fishbein writes on Quora. "When you do something for someone else that helps them in some way, they naturally want to reciprocate."

Scientists call it the "rule for reciprocation." As psychologist Robert Cialdini writes in his book "Pre-Suasion,""People say yes to those they owe." So if you want someone's help, consider doing something useful for them first — like introducing them via email to a potential business partner.

Dave Kerpen, founder and CEO of social-media software company Likeable Local, says the best question to ask when you meet an influential person is, "How can I help you?"

Obviously, you should really be in a position to assist the person. But even if they don't take you up on your offer, they'll probably feel warmer to you for having asked.

4. Talk about something other than work

Maybe you don't feel comfortable asking directly how you can help your new acquaintances. That's fine.

Still, "do have a good selling point about yourself, like a relatively unusual hobby or something, to talk about," Shweta Karwa writes on Quora.

Maybe you have a side gig selling artwork on Etsy, or maybe you volunteer at an elementary school. It's probably not something your conversation partner does, or even knows much about.

"It really makes for good conversations," Karwa writes. "You are probably adding value to their knowledge base, and it might be something they might get interested in. Win-win on both sides."

5. Ask a lot of questions

That's a suggestion from Micha Kaufman on Quora.

He writes: "People love talking about themselves. Asking lots of questions both implies that you're very interested in them and gives you crucial information."

Dale Carnegie said much the same thing back in his 1936 bestseller, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." One of his secrets to making people like you is simply to listen and encourage other people to talk about themselves.

It takes some of the pressure off you, too — instead of trying to describe your job as the most exciting thing in the world, you can talk in terms of the other person's interests and make them feel important.

6. Review what is — and isn't — working

On Reddit, dankness recommends asking your conversation partner a lot of questions — and not stopping there.

He writes:

"Review your questions. What worked? What didn't? Did you find a question that lead [sic] you into awkward silences? Did you find that some people were able to relate better to other questions?

"If you have to do a LOT of these networking events, keep 1 or 2 questions and change a few others up. Again, hone this craft and keep trying new things."

The same strategy applies to networking more generally. Are you getting responses to cold emails? Are people freaked out when you ask them right away what their spirit animal is? Is the bright orange tie a good conversation piece?

Approach the whole thing analytically and you'll have a better shot at success in the future.

New York Times journalist Charles Duhigg used a similar strategy when he started as the Times' senior editor of live journalism, responsible for coordinating conferences.

He didn't particularly like schmoozing and experimented with different goals — first, having a 20-minute conversation with one person, next having multiple conversations in quick succession, and finally, talking to four people in the first 10 minutes and then going back to the person he liked most.

"Gamify" your networking experience and set a concrete objective for yourself.

7. Follow up regularly

"Follow-up isn't supposed to mean a one-time email that reads 'Connecting - Me from XYZ'," Utkarsh Sinha writes on Quora. "Building a network is for [a] lifetime."

He recommends sending the occasional email in which you share an article that's relevant to the person's interests, for example. You can even ask them for advice on a topic they're knowledgeable about and you're not.

The idea is to keep the conversation going.

8. Network all the time

You might not meet your future business partner on your commute home — but talking to a fellow passenger is definitely good practice for more formal networking events.

Then again, they might become your future business partner, after all.

Greg Muender writes on Quora:

"Stop thinking of 'networking' as [its] own independent entity. Life is networking. 

"Some of the most meaningful relationships, friendships, and partnerships I have ever made have started with an encounter on a plane, at the dog park, on the subway, etc. 

"Don't [confine] networking into a binary thing where you are either in 'networking' mode or you are not. Introduce yourself to the guy sitting next to you on the bench.  Say 'hi' to your neighbor."

SEE ALSO: This brilliant technique is less gross than networking and will get you actual experience and exposure

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Would you consider the person you're dating a best friend? If not, then you might be missing out. Studies indicate couples who consider one another best friends have an overall more fulfilling relationship. 

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Communication is a cornerstone of any relationship, especially a romantic one, but that doesn't make it an easy thing to master.

Luckily, there's a simple way to strengthen your relationships that can reshape the way you understand each other: active listening.

Kate McCombs has a knack for bringing people together and getting them to open up. As the founder of Sex Geekdom, a global community for people who love having geeky conversations about sexuality, and the creator of Tea and Empathy workshops where participants practice empathetic reflection, she's a sought-after sex and relationships educator who travels the world speaking about sex, consent, empathy, and communication. 

She recently spoke at the Explore More Summit about the impact active listening can have on one's relationships, and INSIDER caught up with her to learn more about why it's so powerful, as well as how to put it into practice.

Active listening is about being an engaged listener rather than a passive listener.

Practicing active listening involves checking in with the person who's talking to make sure you're hearing and understanding them properly. 

"Active listening is about being fully present and reflective in how you listen to the person that you're supporting," McCombs said. "We can be ingesting information from someone that we are hearing, but there's a layer of presence and processing that's involved in active listening that kind of takes it to another level."

Active listening is work.

Because of the amount of emotional energy that goes into active listening, it's not something that can happen all the time. McCombs said what works for her and her partner is simply asking each other if they'd like to be actively listened to or just have a sounding board without that added level of processing.

"I think it's important to acknowledge that it would be an unsustainable level of emotional labor to require people to active listen all the time," she said. "I think it's helpful in interpersonal relationships, particularly romantic relationships, to clarify when you'd like active listening."

Active listening doesn't make uncomfortable conversations easier, but it helps you move through them more gracefully.

Active listening isn't about knowing the right thing to say. It's about having the mindfulness and humility to sit with discomfort and acknowledge that you don't have the answers. These skills are a great toolkit for difficult conversations with a partner, friend, or loved one.

"If you're having a difficult conversation with someone, having those active listening skills is going to help you move through that much more gracefully because it's allowing you to really hear them rather than getting caught up in your own story about what this means," she said.

It cultivates intimacy.

The very human longing to be seen, heard, and understood often goes unmet in relationships. Active listening is a key component of that intimacy and connection.

"When you can have any sort of intimate relationship — friendships, collegial relationships, familial relationships, romantic ones — where you can get a little bit of that active listening, it can be profoundly nourishing," she said.

Active listening combined with empathy builds an even deeper bond.

Both active listening and empathy require engaging with and striving to understand a person's inner world. Combined, these two skills are what McCombs calls a "communicative superpower."

"Empathy is accelerated by active listening, and I think that those are two particular interpersonal skills that do a tremendous amount of good in increasing the quality of people's relationships," she said.

SEE ALSO: How the '10-minute rule' can change your marriage for the better

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INSIDER is hiring a full-time reporter to write about relationships, dating, and sex.

This person is a clear writer who is obsessed with writing about relationships, sex and dating. They also have an interest in overall health, psychology, and wellness, with a focus on women's health, including birth control, fertility and pregnancy. This person may also write some stories about parenting.

At INSIDER, our motto is "Life is an adventure"— and part of that adventure includes relationships. We want to help people navigate successful relationships, whether that means helping them find unconventional first date ideas, giving advice on how to make your marriage stronger, or analyzing the latest scientific studies for new revelations in the world of psychology and dating.

Ideal candidates will have:

• Excellent writing skills and at least one year of full-time writing experience
• A strong voice and the ability to write with authority
• Interest in relationships, sex, dating, psychology, and health
• An understanding of digital media and how readers consume news on the web
• At least a Bachelor's degree
• Journalism degree and/or background preferred
• Copy-editing skills, light HTML and Photoshop experience, and knowledge of social media are also useful

Does this sound like you? Apply HERE with a resume and cover letter explaining specifically why you should be perfect for this job.

See all of INSIDER's current job openings here.

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