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Sex tips that will make your relationship stronger

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couple love

The INSIDER Summary:

  • A sexologist shared sex tips that can help couples reach a deeper understanding of each other, and thus strengthen their relationship.
  • Developing "erotic intelligence" is important. It's the combination of knowledge of sex and pleasure with emotional intelligence.
  • She also says foreplay should be all-encompassing.


As a former advice columnist at the Museum of Sex and the founder of the Center for Erotic Intelligence who made the internal structure of the clitoris famous, sexologist Mal Harrison is undoubtedly capable of giving great sex advice. Yet it's precisely because of these qualifications that she's hesitant to make sweeping statements.

"I tend to find tips, tricks, and hot ideas to be somewhat problematic," she said. "Obviously, we all want to learn as much as possible and we want tips, but knowing who we are and having a really deep understanding of ourselves and the willingness to expand and evolve ourselves, in our own pleasure and in every aspect of life, is what cultivates that intelligence."

At Cycles + Sex in New York City, INSIDER asked Harrison for sex tips that can help couples reach this deeper understanding in their relationships. Here's what she recommends.

Develop "erotic intelligence"

couple in bed

Harrison defines "eroticism" as "the interplay of desire and arousal with the daily challenges of loving and living.""Erotic intelligence" combines knowledge of sexuality and pleasure with social and emotional intelligence to cultivate deeper relationships.

"How do we deal with rejection, how do we deal with shame, how do we deal with things when they don't go as expected or as planned — those are the ingredients that are really required to explore sexuality," she said.

Rethink "foreplay"

couple touch love

Harrison is not a fan of the word "foreplay" because it insinuates some kind of necessary step or chore before sex instead of a constant undercurrent of eroticism between partners. 

"It's so much more involved than that," she said.

She advocates for an all-encompassing approach to arousal — more of an undercurrent than a spark.

"Everything can be innuendo," she explains. "It can just be the stroke of the hair, it can be out in public touching hands, a small grazing of our arms — it's about that erotic connection with your partner."

Try new things outside the bedroom

Cooking class couple

Harrison compares trying new things together in your everyday life to stretching before exercising. The process of learning about something you're not familiar with, working up the courage to try it, and maybe even making a fool of yourself in your first few attempts is great practice for your sex life.

"Those are the things that facilitate deeper connection," she said.

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The best time of year to find love according to your zodiac sign

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couple date walking

When it comes to finding love, there are several times of year that are better than others — at least according to your sign.

According to Ophira Edut, one of the AstroTwins, the best time is when a planet lands in your fifth or seventh house.

"The fifth house is the house of love and romance and flirtation. And the seventh house is the house of commitment and serious relationships," Ophira explained. "When there's a planet that visits either of those, it's an indication that it's a good time to be open to love, or open to meeting someone."

That said, don't just wait around for a planet to land in one of your houses.

"One thing I want to emphasize is that we're always telling people 'You're co-creating with the universe.' So we really don’t feel like, 'Oh, just sit around,'" Ophira said. 

So, can any old planet visit you fifth and seven house for you to find love? Yes, but according to Ophira the sun is most powerful. When the sun lands in your fifth or seventh house it's an ideal time to put yourself out there — the universe might just send a special someone your way.

When a sun lands in one of those houses, you will also have a new moon, which is about new beginnings. 

"The new moon will always fall within the same time as the sun. Sometime in that month there will be a new moon in that love sign, which is a great time to meet someone or start fresh. The new moons are about new beginnings," Ophira said. 

If you're still a little lost about when exactly all this should be happening, we've made it easy for you. Here are the best times of year for each sign to find love. 

Aries

When the sun is in your fifth house: July 23rd through August 22nd

When the sun is in your seventh house: September 23rd through October 23rd

"You might actually find yourself attracted to [Libras and Leos], too, because they are the rulers of your love house," Ophira said, adding to the growing list of compatible signs.



Taurus

When the sun is in your fifth house: August 23rd through September 22nd

When the sun is in your seventh house: October 23rd through November 21st



Gemini

When the sun is in your fifth house: September 23rd through October 23rd 

When the sun is in your seventh house: November 22nd through December 21st



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

Here's the reason why you may be unlucky in love

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Business Insider spoke to Jody Shield, a meditation guru and author, about why some people feel like they are unlucky in love.

She said: "People are generally unlucky in love because of the baggage or the old emotions and memories that they are holding onto from their past.

"Without clearing and processing our past we are gently giving out information to the world based on our past relationships that weren't so nice.

"So fast forward to now, and without clearing and processing our past, we are gently giving out information to the world based on our past relationships that weren't so nice.

"So when we're giving out negativity from past relationships, what happens? We attract in the same negativity in future relationships.

"A way of releasing the past is first of all awareness - just begin to notice repeating patterns and behaviours of relationships and people that are coming into your space.

"Just get aware. Notice the same things happening again and again. Awareness is a really, really great first step."

Jody Shield is the author of "LifeTonic: A Modern Toolkit to Heal Your Life and Soothe Your Soul." She is also a speaker, a meditation ambassador for Lululemon UK, and an intuitive mentor.

Follow Jody Shield on YouTube channel LifeTonic TV and Instagram page.

Produced and filmed by Claudia Romeo. Specials thanks to Joe Daunt.

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7 ways to tell whether someone is cheating on you

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Ever worry that your significant other isn't being entirely truthful?

First of all, there's a good chance you're right — it's perfectly normal to lie on occasion.

But if you're worried that your partner's fibbing extends into the important stuff, like happiness or fidelity, you might be wondering how to catch them in a lie.

Unfortunately, science can't tell you if your partner is sleeping around, but there are ways to spot when someone — especially a significant other — is being deceptive.

Here are seven ways to tell if your partner might be keeping something important from you.

SEE ALSO: Psychologist says these 2 patterns of behavior are the most common signs that a couple is going to divorce

READ MORE: 5 things that happen to couples who've been together a long time

Ask a friend.

Other people — strangers, even — have an uncanny ability to detect when something's not right in someone else's relationship.

BYU psychologists tested this idea by having couples draw an object together, with one participant blindfolded and the other one giving instructions on what to draw. The whole thing was videotaped. Before they started, the scientists had the couples answer a few questions about their relationship in private, including whether or not they'd ever cheated. 

Then, the researchers had a group of strangers watch the footage and guess which couples included a partner who'd ever cheated. The volunteers were surprisingly accurate.

Although preliminary, the research suggests that, simply by watching a couple doing something that requires working together, an outside observer may be able to detect infidelity or unhappiness.

"People make remarkably accurate judgments about others in a variety of situations after just a brief exposure to their behavior," the researchers wrote in the study.



Mull it over while doing something else.

When people are given time to process another person's actions subconsciously, they seem to get better at telling truth from deceit.

In 2013, a team of psychologists had a panel of student judges watch people give testimony and decide if they'd lied or told the truth. One group of students was given time to think before they made a decision — but were made to think about something other than the case they were assessing. Those students were better at figuring out whether the person they were judging had been deceitful.

"These findings suggest that the human mind is not unfit to distinguish between truth and deception," the researchers wrote in the study, "but that this ability resides in previously overlooked processes."



Listen carefully to the words they use.

For a recent study, University of Texas at Austin psychology professor James W. Pennebaker looked at data he and his colleague Diane Berry gathered from a text analysis program. They found some specific patterns of language that were helpful at predicting when someone was avoiding the truth.

Liars, they found, tended to use fewer of the following three types of words:

  • First person words, like "I,""me," or "my"
  • Cognitive words, like "realize" or "think"
  • Exclusive words, like "but" or "except"

But they tended to use more of the following types of words:

  • Negative emotion words, like "hate,""anger," or "enemy"
  • Motion verbs, like "walk" or "move"


See the rest of the story at Business Insider

A psychologist says a simple question can help you figure out if you and your partner can handle having a kid

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parents with new baby

You and your partner will never be 100% "ready" to have a kid. At least, not in the same way that you two will be ready to buy a place because you got approved for a mortgage and bought a lawn mower.

When it comes to having a baby, you and your partner kind of have to "approve" yourselves — as in, assess the strength of your relationship to see if it can withstand the stress of child-rearing.

If that sounds super nebulous, it is: The process looks different for every couple. But your answer to one question in particular can give you some insight into what your life would look like post-baby: How do you manage joint decision-making?

That's according to Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist who's written multiple books about parenting, including, most recently "Surviving Your Child's Adolescence."

Joint decision-making, Pickhardt told Business Insider, is essentially what parenting is.

Your baby will be crying in the other room; one partner will want to go pick him up and comfort him, while the other will think it's better to leave him alone. Or, years later, your adolescent will want to stay out late at a party, and you and your partner will disagree on whether it's a great idea.

"If you have parents who have a hard time bridging disagreements," Pickhardt said, "that's probably not a great sign. They've got to be able to know how to communicate, and how to change, and how to make concessions, and how to compromise."

Otherwise, Pickhardt added, you and your partner will wind up making separate decisions about the kid and being frustrated with each other's choices.

There are a few scenarios to look out for. If one of you currently makes all the decisions; if there's no "us" in your relationship because each partner makes decisions independently; or if no decisions get made unless you and your partner make them together, that probably doesn't bode well for your parenting experience.

Ideally, you want to see the intimacy between you two increase after each joint decision you make, Pickhardt said. If instead, it drives you apart, that suggests your life as parents will be pretty stressful.

Above all, know that shared decision-making will only get more complicated once your baby arrives.

"Sometimes people will say, 'Well, sharing is easy.' Sharing is not easy," Pickhardt said. "Sharing is brutally hard to do."

SEE ALSO: A psychologist says there’s one key sign you’ve transitioned to adulthood

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: 7 common traits parents of successful kids possess

Sheryl Sandberg: 'Marry the nerds and the good guys'

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sheryl sandberg

Four years ago, Facebook's Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg wrote a groundbreaking book calling for women to "lean in" to their careers.

In a recent interview, she suggested that women should be doing the same with their relationships.

When a Financial Times reporter asked Sandberg what she should be looking for in a relationship, the executive had a brilliant response.

"The guys who want an equal relationship," she said. "Guys who want to support your career. You have a great career."

Pressed by the reporter who was eager to know how to find these men, who Sandberg called "the good guys," the exec offered a simple but effective nugget of wisdom: Ask them.

That's right. When you go on a date, be upfront, and ask the person if he is one of these "good guys" who wants an equal relationship and will support you in your career.

While this might seem like too serious a question to ask on a casual first date, Sandberg recommends asking early, and "not [being] afraid of offending."

"If they're going to be offended by the answer, you don't want to date them anyway."

Here's a more in-depth excerpt from the interview:

"'You can date whoever you want, but you should marry the nerds and the good guys,' she advised. You dated the bad guys? I ask. 'A little bit.'

"I tell her I'm 30 and unmarried: who should I be looking for? 'The guys who want an equal relationship. Guys who want to support your career. You have a great career,' she said. Embracing the idea of Sandberg as agony aunt, I ask how you tell who the good guys are. 'You ask and you ask early and you are not afraid of offending. If they're going to be offended by the answer, you don't want to date them anyway.'"

Read the full Financial Times interview »

Learn about Sandberg's new book, "Option B: Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy."

Join the conversation about this story »

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A motivational speaker told us the best way to say no and not feel guilty

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Business Insider spoke to Jody Shield, a meditation guru and author, about how to say no without feeling guilty.

She said: "Saying no is usually for most people quite a challenging thing to do. Why? Because we love saying yes."

"Every time you say yes you are giving a little piece of your energy and your power away to that person."

"Practice being honest and tune into how you really feel about what this person is asking you to do and say a gentle no, nice no."

"It's much more kind to say no than to say yes to something that you genuinely don't connect to or can not add value to in your life."

"Isolate something that someone's asked you – if you would attend or do for them, and practice saying no to that thing in the mirror. It really, really helps."

"When you say anything from the heart, the way that it's received from the other person is in a very calm, open, and peaceful way. It's a very nonthreatening way of communicating to someone else.  Say a really healthy clean and clear no from the heart."

"When you speak from the heart, the other person feels held and supported when you are talking to them."

"It's a very lovely way of expressing from you and a way that they would receive it in the best way for them as well."

Jody Shield is the author of "LifeTonic: A Modern Toolkit to Heal Your Life and Soothe Your Soul." She is also a speaker, a meditation ambassador for Lululemon UK, and an intuitive mentor.

Follow Jody Shield on YouTube channel LifeTonic TV and Instagram page.

Produced and filmed by Claudia Romeo. Specials thanks to Joe Daunt.

Join the conversation about this story »

The CEO of a multimillion-dollar company explains why you should dump your 'loser' friends

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Gary Vaynerchuk

Gary Vaynerchuk knows you probably don't want to hear some of his most-shared advice.

When Alyson Shontell, Business Insider US editor in chief, asked him about a video he'd shared called "Drop One Losing Friend" in an episode of Business Insider's podcast "Success! How I Did It," he acknowledged that it's hard advice to hear.

"This has been the one that I've been very hot on talking about in the world, but I've been scared of, because even when you just said that, I'm like, 'Ugh. This guy's terrible,'" he said.

Here's how the CEO of multimillion-dollar company VaynerMedia explains that advice:

"Maybe if you got rid of one friend or spent a lot less time with one friend who's a real drag and a negative force and added a positive person in your office ... If you switched it from 80 days hanging out with your negative friend and one day with your office acquaintance who's super positive, to four days with your negative friend and 12 with this new person. I've physically watched I mentor in my organizations have a totally different life on that thesis."

Vaynerchuk isn't the only one who's pointed out how much a person's friends and family can influence their success.

Perhaps the most famous example is that of motivational speaker Jim Rohn, a mentor of Tony Robbins, who said that you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Author and entrepreneur Tim Ferriss has riffed on that, saying "You are the average of the five people you most associate with."

As Business Insider's Melia Robinson has explained, "The rule suggests that the five people you spend the most time with shape who you are. It borrows from the law of averages, which is the theory that 'the result of any given situation will be the average of all outcomes.' We might interact with many people, but the few who are closest to us have the greatest impact on our way of thinking and our decisions."

"Exposure to people who are more successful than you are has the potential to expand your thinking and catapult your income,"wrote self-made millionaire Steve Siebold. "We become like the people we associate with, and that's why winners are attracted to winners."

Vaynerchuk told Shontell: "I think that people are keeping very negative people around them and if they aspire to change their situation, it's imperative to audit the seven to 10 people who are around you." 

Listen to the full podcast interview:

SEE ALSO: How a 'brash Jersey boy' grew 2 businesses to tens of millions in revenue and became a social media super star

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: The 2 biggest job interview mistakes young people make


3 tips on managing people older than you, from an accounting executive in his early 30s

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If you're rapidly climbing up the career ladder, sooner or later you may find yourself managing people who are older than you. This can be kind of awkward and, in some cases, can cause friction in the workplace.

But it doesn't have to be that way. According to David Isaacs, a wealth adviser and CPA at Traust Sollus Wealth Management in New York, good conversation is the most important tool you can have.

Isaacs is a millennial, and he is tired of hearing the stereotypical labels of laziness and entitlement about his generation. He told Business Insider that while the immediate response to "millennial" being used as a derogatory term was annoyance, he had learned to take a step back from it.

The same logic can be applied to when you find you're in charge of managing people in a team who are in older generations. They might see you as spoilt or arrogant because of your age, but you can understand why they think that and change their mind with good communication.

"My recommendation would be to try to be more intentional in your communication, and say, 'OK, help me understand why you think the way you do, or why you feel that that's accurate,'" Isaacs said. "Everyone looks at situations through the lens of the past, so their experiences are going to dictate how they view what's coming after them. We can talk to each other and actually understand what someone is communicating."

Here are Isaac's three tips for what to do if you find yourself in a sticky situation with an older colleague at work:

1. Improve the team's communication

One way you can do this is by investing in communication training. Isaacs said that in the course his company took, one of the trainers pointed out that communication killed conflict and that conflict killed communication. So learning to talk to one another and appreciate others' points of view is pretty valuable in terms of reducing workplace friction.

2. Pay attention to different opinions

Nobody is perfect. Isaacs said that with this in mind, there would always be something new to learn and there would always be someone with a different experience from yours. If you approach a situation with the assumption you're always correct, then you're effectively shutting down any valuable communication.

"Maybe it still ends up that you're going to do what you wanted, but maybe not — maybe there's another possibility you haven't thought of," Isaacs said.

3. Ask how your coworkers want to be managed

Not everyone wants to be managed the same way, which is important to remember. Isaacs said the first question he asks someone who joins his team is, "How would you like to be managed?" to understand what kind of style the person will benefit from.

People who are fresh out of university compared with those who have been in the same company for 15 to 20 years will most likely require very different management styles. Some people like to be told exactly what to do, whereas others appreciate being left alone.

You can ask, "What can I do to facilitate your productivity and your progress?" Isaacs said, adding: "You just need to be able to facilitate their work — you don't necessarily need to micromanage them, unless they want you to do that."

Join the conversation about this story »

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8 qualities that will help you be great in any relationship, according to a psychotherapist

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Great businesses are built upon a foundation of great relationships.

Do you ever wonder how some people seem so natural and at ease in relationships, while others really struggle to maintain them?

Is it a difference in temperament, like introversion or extroversion?

It could be, but as a psychologist, I can say the approach to relationships for each temperament is different; yet, both hold the same core beliefs.

To follow is a list of the things we need, regardless of temperament, to be great in relationships.

1. Not defined by our past

We all have a past. It is only when we cannot accept, have not yet healed or forgiven our past that it has the power to negatively impact our relationships today. We need to use our experiences to grow so that we stop repeating negative or unproductive patterns.

We run our own lives. It is imperative we acknowledge and work to mature the more unrefined and defended aspects of our personalities, where we tend overcompensate for the insecurities developed from our experiences.

Use your past to positively change your future. Establish the self-awareness necessary to create mutually beneficial and reciprocal relationships.

Related: 5 Ways to Build Killer Relationships With Customers

2. Know who we are

To be great in relationships we must have emotional depth. To develop that depth, we must soul-search and be unafraid to show our imperfections.

We are all human. We all bleed the same color. When we accept this, we will expect less perfection from ourselves and stop demanding perfection from others.

When we're authentic, we don't need to try so hard to look good in the eyes of others. We can show up as who and what we are, flaws and all. When one of our flaws creates an issue, we must acknowledge this with ownership, an apology and a plan for what we will change in ourselves to not let it happen again. When we know who we are, we can self-correct, which serves to build trust.

3. Independently content

A person who is content on their own is the best type of person to be in a relationship with. Relying too much on other people to build us up or make us feel valuable makes us difficult to be in a relationship with.

It is our responsibility to feel good enough about who we are, on our own. We cannot enter relationships putting the responsibility of our success or happiness onto anyone else. We must respect that each and every person we connect with also needs to be responsible for their own success and happiness.

The formula for relationship success is: We take care of ourselves for other people, and we expect other people to take care of themselves for us. This way, each person brings a whole, intelligent, educated, and responsible Self to the table.

Related: 25 Tips for Having Meaningful Relationships

4. Contribute rather than criticize

One of the most common reasons people leave relationships is because they feel someone is constantly trying to change them. Relationships cannot function well under constant criticism.

The more we focus on inspiring, the more likely other people are to manifest the change we desire from them. The more we micromanage, put people down and ignore what they're doing right, the more unhappy, unproductive and rigid they become. When we contribute, rather than criticize the motivation is different; we are giving people information to help them, rather than to change them to serve us.

When we focus this way, the changes inspired in others are the productive changes all involved are looking for, including the person who is making changes.

5. Show vulnerability

One the best ways to establish positive relationships is to be vulnerable. When people view us as perfect, we come off as less approachable and more intimidating. This is not a relationship-building formula.

We must allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Letting our flaws show makes it easier for others to connect with us. When we show our vulnerabilities, others feel more open in expressing theirs without fears of recrimination. Why would we open up to someone who is not ever open about who they are? We wouldn't. We must allow others a peek into our humanity. This open quality builds a trust that cannot be reached with a thousand words.

Related: How Can Entrepreneurs Improve Their Personal Relationships? 8 Experts Weigh in.

6. Generous

Nurturing others, making deep connections, and building solid networks is how we grow a great business.

To nurture means to give. We must give willingly, and not make our giving seem like a major unwanted sacrifice to our receivers. We can look at giving in two ways: as sacrificing something we don't want to share and subsequently being bitter; or, we can give generously and view it as something positive and necessary that can only serve to benefit all parties, including us.

This shift in our mindset allows us to give without strings of hostility or resentment attached. When we give in this manner, we get to enjoy watching what we give help others to become more successful. People in great relationships uplift each other.

7. Let things go

Forgiveness is the marker of a healthy relationship. We cannot be good with people in tandem to holding grudges. There is nothing productive in continually punishing another person into feeling guilty or ashamed for a past wrongdoing.

If some unforgivable deal-breaker has occurred, cut ties with that relationship and move on. If a relationship can stay intact after a mishap, we must keep in mind people cannot work to their full performance if we are micromanaging every little fault they have, or every little thing they aren't doing perfectly.

We must not sweat the small stuff in our relationships. We must make room for imperfections and areas of weakness, and do what we can to support people in those areas.

8. Lighthearted

Relationships that are too serious are not enjoyable to be a part of. Yes, business is serious stuff, but to build successful teams and develop great networking relationships, the work environment must have a sense of playful lightheartedness to it.

Make work a place you and others look forward to each day. Strive to make meetings, business trips, and other engagements as interesting and enjoyable as possible. Humor bonds people because humor is almost always spontaneous and impulsive. It's fun to share positive experiences and memories with our colleagues, so it's important to smile and to be friendly.

When we are lighthearted, people want to be in our company and to play along. No one wants to be left out of what is fun, growth-promoting or exciting. To be great with people, and to build lasting networks and connections, we must be attractive to others from the inside out. 

SEE ALSO: 12 TED Talks that will teach you how to have healthy relationships

Join the conversation about this story »

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5 things no one tells you about long distance relationships

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Couple Kissing Romance Love

The INSIDER Summary:

  • Long distance relationships can be hard, but they're worth it.
  • You learn a lot about yourself, and you learn to plan ahead.


When I was going off to college all I remember is everyone saying, "don't waste your time staying in a high school relationship." Well, I'm currently still dating my high school boyfriend, and I can tell you that I don't feel like I am wasting my time. By staying in this relationship, I have learned a few things about long distance relationships, myself, and life.

Here are some of the lessons that I have learned through my long distance relationship.

1. They Are Harder Than They Seem. However, They Are Rewarding

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Relationships can always seem hard but, try being 1,000 miles away from your significant other... Yeah, it's not easy. However, there is something very exciting about being able to see someone you haven't seen in a while. It's like a reunion where all of these different emotions overcome you, and your just super happy to see them again.

Whenever I see my boyfriend, we fall back in sync. It's like I just saw him yesterday and we just chat all day and goof off. We are very much a team whenever we see each other. I carry one bag, he carries another, he washes the food off the plate, and I put it in the dishwasher (I don't like dealing with icky food). We also like to take spontaneous trips to Walmart and look for the one item Walmart does not have. For us, it was a microwave. It is really nice to know that at the end of the day, I will see his face again and it makes every second being away from him worth it. 

2. You Learn to Appreciate the Present Moments

When I am with my boyfriend I definitely spend less time on my phone. Being a millennial, I have social media and use it pretty often (Instagram is my favorite to scroll on). However, when we are together we stay off of our phones and pay more attention to the time we have together. I think both of us have learned that the little things in life matter more and you learn to cherish those moments. I have since learned to put my phone away more and look around every now and again, even if I get a push notification from Instagram I've learned to ignore them. 

The world is much better looking through your own eyes then though a phone screen. Sometimes I am sad that we don't have a lot of photos of us, but then I remember all the times we have been together and the memories we have made. This is when I remind myself that life is short and moments are more vivid when you live it in real time versus through a phone screen. 

3. Do Not Let a Relationship Stop You From Discovering New Things About Yourself

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I have heard so many stories of people saying they didn't do something because they wanted to hang out with their boyfriend instead (yuck). Being in a long distance relationship, I never have this problem or thought. No one should stop you from learning things about yourself. Try a new hairstyle (like I did). Buy that top you feel great in. Not sure if you like sushi? Try it, the fish won't bite you.

College is a time to grow, so you should try whatever you want. Explore the world and do not let anyone stop you from exploring, especially a significant other. There are countless stories of people who feel like they are "wasting time" or who have "wasted time" in a relationship. However, I don't think I am wasting time in my long distance relationship. I am still growing as a student, a leader, and most importantly a human. (I'm adulting!... Or trying to). 

4. Trust Is ALWAYS Key

You learn not only trust your partner but others as well.

Trust is something that has become a major player in my life. If your partner says they are with their friends at a dinner and they can't talk, you just have to trust them. If I didn't trust my boyfriend, then why would I have one, right? I have to trust that he is doing what he says he's doing.

To be totally honest though, after a while you start to care less and less about what they are doing 24/7. You learn to trust and it become so natural. With all this trust it opens up more time for me to relax and eat (and occasionally do homework).

5. You Learn How To Plan... Really Well

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Planning ahead is HUGE when you are in a long distance relationship. We both look at our schedules and decide how much time will be involved in getting to and from to see each other and how long we can see one another for.

Also, since we are both broke college students, we have to get the good deals on flights, boats, and trains (yes, we have used all those modes of transportation to see one another). This skill has now translated into my daily life more as I learn to look ahead and manage my time accordingly. For instance, if I know he is coming I try to get as much work done as possible so I do not have to worry about it when he comes.

Overall, long distance is hard, but I feel that I can take each one of these lessons and apply them to my daily life. While this experience has been difficult, it has also been rewarding. I've learned so many important lessons from this that I will remember forever. So, if you're considering a long distance relationship, I would say go for it! It will do more good than harm. 

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7 things exceptional bosses make sure they do every day

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I've had some great bosses — the kinds of leaders who made me look forward to going to work, and whose examples I try to follow as a leader myself.

(Of course, I've also had some not-so-great bosses. You probably have too.)

There are certain things almost anyone can adopt to become a better boss. It all starts with a series of daily habits — none of which is especially difficult to practice, if you put your mind to it.

Here are 27 simple but crucial things the best bosses do every day.

1. They display their sense of humor.

No, they don't have to tell jokes, but great bosses display their appreciation of humor. It's important, because it enables them to maintain their bearing in tough situations. H.G. Wells put it best: "The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow."

2. They share their vision.

Of course, this presupposes that they actually have a vision (see No. 20). Sharing the vision means making it accessible, relatable, and clear to the members of their teams. Otherwise, how do employees know what they're working toward?

3. They demonstrate that the organization is bigger than one person.

Nobody wants to work for someone who thinks the organization is all about the boss. Great bosses demonstrate that they value other people and the organization as much as themselves. Related: Someday the boss will move on. He needs a succession plan.

4. They understand people have outside lives.

Good bosses today empathize when employees have legitimate outside commitments: child care, dentist appointments, vacations, etc. They expect dedication to work, but they also understand and expect dedication to other important aspects of life.

5. They create more leaders.

Good leaders can gather lots of followers, but truly great leaders demonstrate their eagerness to help other people become even better leaders. On any given day, this can mean showing trust, faith, and excitement in others' development.

6. They think hard about hiring decisions.

Great leaders and bosses learn to delegate. Doing that comfortably means recruiting true superstars whom you feel great about delegating to. As a high-ranking government official once told me, "Personnel is even more important than policy."

7. They share credit.

Great bosses understand that everyone needs to hear that his or her contributions are valued and appreciated, and they seek out opportunities to give credit.

8. They end bad employment decisions cleanly.

A bad hiring decision is at least partly the boss's fault. So, great bosses remedy their mistakes, by terminating bad employment decisions fairly, ethically, and legally.

9. They accept blame.

Failure isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as people learn from it and try other things in its wake. Still, it's important for a leader to accept that the failure itself usually has to fall on his or her shoulders.

10. They celebrate when things go well.

Nobody wants to work at a place where the only reward for good work is more work. Good bosses avoid being like this guy (and not just because he's dead).

11. They make decisions.

Hard decisions are often the best decisions; they're the things people need decided most desperately. (My colleague Justin Bariso recently spotted an excellent implementation of decision making that he notes in an article of his about Jeff Bezos: "disagree and commit.")

12. They know what they're talking about.

Ideally, a boss should have subject matter experts and subordinate leaders who are more knowledgeable about their fields than he or she is. But the boss has to have enough familiarity and knowledge to lead.

13. They demonstrate confidence.

Confidence without competence is a recipe for disaster, but bosses who want to lead have to demonstrate to their team that they believe in themselves, their team, and their mission.

14. They respect other people's time.

Largely, this means being on time. If you can't track time yourself, set the time on your smartphone. But also: speeches and meetings. Schedule them, yes — but only as necessary.

15. They know when to push harder.

Sometimes the most motivating words a boss can say to an employee are a bit critical: "I know you can do better."

16. They know when to back off.

That said, while asking for people to rise to the occasion can be effective, great bosses have the emotional intelligence to understand when they've pushed too far and to adjust.

17. They set priorities, and they share them.

If everything is a priority, nothing is. So great bosses make clear what they think is most important. Ideally, they adhere to the rule of three — three being the optimal number of things most people can devote attention to at any one time.

18. They share information.

Insecure bosses hold onto information like a commodity, parceling it out carefully to make them feel powerful. True, there are times when it's necessary to hold information closely for strategic reasons — but great bosses make transparency their default setting.

19. They're polite — or at least personable.

Being polite costs nothing, generates good feelings, and increases comity. Don't confuse politeness with a lack of toughness, however; they can go hand in hand. The opposite of politeness is rudeness (not weakness).

20. They think big enough.

Great bosses recognize that they're asking people to spend at least a third of their waking hours working on their vision. So they make sure it's a big and worthy enough vision.

21. They act ethically and set high standards.

Employees often take the boss's lead. So while ethics means different things to different people, know that whatever example you set, those working for you will likely follow it.

22. They ask intelligent questions.

Interestingly, the smartest question is sometimes the basic one that people are afraid to ask because they think it will reveal a lack of knowledge or understanding. (Related: They admit when they don't know.)

23. They hear people out.

A great boss recognizes that even though he or she needs to project confidence, that doesn't mean he or she has to know everything. Boss, you hired your team for a reason. You make the final call, but you owe it to yourself to listen to them.

24. They lead by example.

Great bosses work hard and demonstrate that they value their team's work. They also lead by example in other ways: for example, treating customers well, and making efficiency a priority. Whatever the boss does, he or she is asking everyone else to act the same way.

25. They care for themselves.

Speaking of leading by example: Great bosses make it clear that they value their health, their families, their faith (whatever that faith is), and their other priorities. It's harder for anyone else to act that way if the boss doesn't model it.

26. Think before they speak.

Great bosses realize that there's no such thing as an innocuous remark when you're in charge. There is power in being casual and informal, and you should be friendly and approachable — but don't blunder into saying things you don't mean by not thinking about your words.

27. They encourage others' development.

Great bosses encourage education, training, exploration, and networking. Fearful bosses worry instead that their best employees will outshine them (or move elsewhere). If you hold up your end of the deal as a boss, chances are you'll get a better and more committed employee.

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5 things you should do if someone in the office is unloading their work onto you

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Every office has one person who has enough confidence to get other people to do their work for them.

And it's usually not because they're lazy. These people often have a lot of drive and are used to getting their own way, especially if they're surrounded by people who let them get away with it.

Sometimes they might be completely oblivious to what they're doing, but other times they might be trying to assert their dominance and walk all over you.

According to Juliet Hailstone, product marketing manager at talent management and HR company MHR, relationships about power are inevitable at work. However, you do have some control about how you deal with the situation.

Here, she offers five tips on how to stop these strong personalities from taking advantage of you.

1. Set expectations — and enforce them.

The key, Hailstone says, is knowing your own boundaries. Sometimes work pushes us out of our comfort zone, which is a good thing because it forces us to grow and learn. However, if we are asked to pick up work that other people are responsible for, this can get tiring, fast.

To avoid being seen as "negative," Hailstone recommends you identify what you define as your own work, and suggest a solution to the cause of the problem.

"Perhaps the person responsible is struggling with time management or needs more training," she told Business Insider. "Be firm, but show you care and would like to help find a solution."

2. Make sure you're being heard.

Of course, this is easier said than done. This is especially true, Hailstone says, if you're not used to being assertive and hate confrontation. She says you should remember that this is okay, and many people feel this way.

"Have some phrases in mind to use when you are asked to do something you feel is not yours to do, and be direct," she said. "Try not to make excuses and, again, be firm and factual."

For example, you could say: "I agree that needs to be done. However, I am responsible for [this] and am not best placed to complete this task."

If you can, suggest an alternative so it doesn't look like you're simply ignoring the problem.

3. Remember that 'no' is your friend.

People won't necessarily realise they're walking all over you — sometimes they might just be used to getting away with shifting responsibilities and don't realise they're even doing it.

Hailstone says that although "no" is a scary word, it's actually a powerful business tool.

"It can certainly take practice to deliver confidently, but if you have good reason for unleashing its power, it can be the key to rebalancing an unbalanced relationship in the world of work," she said.

4. Practise sticking up for yourself.

Like with everything, the more you stand up for yourself, the easier it will get. Hailstone says she often gives herself a pep-talk in the mirror if she knows she will be challenged in a meeting or presentation.

"We can all practise making eye contact, communicating with people, and saying no — with reasonable explanation — in our personal and work lives, which makes the process of asserting ourselves, delivering clear messages, and saying no a much more natural process," she said.

5. Keep your own objectives in mind.

Refusing someone might make you feel guilty at first, but remember that your needs are just as important as your colleague's.

"Taking this approach means that your 'no' response is objective, well thought out, and difficult to reason against," Hailstone said. "It will help to rebalance the power in your relationship with the person doing the requesting and, ultimately, should lead to more rational and more reasonable requests being made in the future."

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Letting an employee go is hard — but firing your best friend is even harder

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Georgette Blau hired a friend to help her growing business. It was easy. A few years into her building On Location Tours, a sightseeing business with brands including the Sopranos Tour, it was still a relatively small operation in New York City, with four full-time employees and about 16 part-time guides.

As the company expanded, Blau decided to bring on someone to help with operations. "She had a great personality and a lot of energy and worked in tourism, and she understood a lot about operations," she says.

Blau soon realized she'd made the wrong decision. The friend began making unauthorized charges on the company credit card--not for herself, but not budgeted either. There was dissension in the staff. But Blau delayed firing her. "Because I was a new business owner, the actual firing not only took me longer, but I was also second-guessing myself that I hadn't seen the signs," she says. "I was angry at myself." The friendship terminated immediately too.

She shouldn't be so hard on herself. It's perfectly natural and common, especially in launch phase, to hire buddies for crucial roles. After all, these are people you know and trust; they've seen your passion. But if they aren't measuring up as employees, they can also take a professional and emotional toll, not to mention damage your business.

Having to fire a friend is a critical test, according to Robert Bruner of the University of Virginia's Darden School of Business. "It is often remembered as one of the pivotal events in the development of a leader," he says, "because it crystallizes the question: For whom or what do you lead?" Prepare to step up to this leadership challenge, just in case.

It happens to owners, too.

Kathryn Minshew and Alexandra Cavoulacos, co-founders of career site the Muse and former McKinsey consultants, got ousted from a previous startup they'd co-founded with two friends.

Can a close friendship survive a professional breakup? "It's very hard to predict how someone will react when they get fired," says Minshew, who was devastated when the partnership disintegrated. "It depends on so many aspects--that person's personality, and whether they were expecting it or it was a surprise, and how they feel about you or the company's role."

Communication before and after the fact will largely determine how things work out. (She and Cavoulacos are co-authors of The New Rules of Work.) When there are performance issues, "you should give them clear and specific feedback, and then give them a legitimate chance to improve things before you terminate the relationship," says Minshew. But assuming you've already had that conver­sation, you need to articulate the decision. Isolate your role as employer from your role as a friend, but be willing to talk about things later, either as adviser or friend. The more you can be the boss and not the friend, the more likely you will be able to save the friendship.

There are some other critical steps to consider when you need to let a friend go.

Get there before you get here.

Entrepreneurs are inherently optimistic but not always realistic. Be prepared for this situation by planning for a variety of outcomes when you hire a friend. "It's not out of place to use marriage as a metaphor," says Ashley Kelly, a partner in the law firm Arnall Golden Gregory, who specializes in employment law.

Consider it a professional prenup; it can be critical for both partnerships and subordinate relationships. "Particularly when you're dealing with small businesses and entrepreneurial folks who have gone into business together," says Kelly, "promises are often made about equity stakes and future shares, promises that you fully expect to deliver on." In short, be very detailed in the organizational documents on how to measure success; on who gets what and why and when they get it; and on any situations that would change these terms in a significant way, such as a job termination.

Despite having controlling interest in their previous venture, Minshew and Cavoulacos lost the fight but learned much from the experience, which informed how they set up the Muse. They went through every worst-case scenario they could imagine and talked about what might happen, and what the outcomes could be. "We made sure we worked with a lawyer to protect ourselves and the company," says Minshew.

That requires having some of the difficult conversations up front, she admits, but it's easier to have those conversations when your company is just beginning and you're excited about working with someone than it is when you're up and running--and running into trouble.

Don't ignore early warning signs; don't drag it out.

The longer you sidestep the situation, the worse it may become once you get to the point of action. The stress Blau's friend was causing made it feel as though the woman had been working there for years. "But it was only five months," Blau says. And it should have been less.

You've made the decision. Now get ready to take the action.
Make sure you have documented the reason for your decision, says Kelly, "whether it's examples of situations where the skill set wasn't adequate or the performance was subpar."

The hardest part: Be prepared to lose a friend.

You've made a rational business decision, but ultimately it's not just business. Let your friend take the lead on deciding whether the relationship is salvageable, in what form, and after what period of time, says Minshew. Don't try to pretend nothing has happened or insist on continuing the friendship. Something did happen: You made a decision that will improve your business.

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The 'dogs from the cellar' is a perfect metaphor to explain how your childhood still influences your relationships today

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I've been reading "Radical Acceptance," a 2003 book by psychologist and Buddhist meditation teacher Tara Brach.

Brach shares a bunch of simple but brilliant insights into the way we handle difficult emotions— and how we can handle them better.

But there's one sentence I've kept coming back to because it just makes so much sense:

"Because we are responding to an accumulation of past pain, our reactions are out of proportion to what is happening in the moment."

In other words, if your partner tells you he's busy and can't talk right now and you break down sobbing, it's probably not just your partner's comment that set you off. Maybe you're also reacting to all those times during your childhood when your mom locked the door to her home office and you felt alone and scared.

Those old fears about being left alone again are an example of what one of Brach's clients calls the "dogs from the cellar."

Even if you've locked the dogs up for the time being, they haven't disappeared. Read: You might think you've moved on from distressing childhood experiences, but they probably affect your current relationships in ways you don't even realize.

Brach writes: "When someone criticizes us or disapproves of us, we get thrown back in time and have no access to our adult understanding. We feel as if we were a child who is powerless, alone and terrified."

This isn't to say, of course, that you're doomed to relive the upsetting parts of your childhood forever. You're not.

The problem is that most of us try to resist our difficult emotions — or, to continue the metaphor, to ignore the dogs growling in the cellar. That only makes the situation worse.

Barbara, the client who coined the term "dogs from the cellar," was struggling with the fear that she'd upset her husband and the people she worked with. Her father had been an alcoholic and often exploded in anger at Barbara.

She didn't tell anyone about these feelings, of course, and she told Brach that "trying to keep her fears at bay felt like locking a pack of wild dogs down in the cellar. The longer they were trapped there, the hungrier they got. Inevitably they would break down the door and invade the house."

What we really need to do, Brach suggests, is lean into the discomfort — open the cellar door.

Brach writes:

"Our overreaction is a further humiliation. The last thing we want is for others to know how much our life is overrun by the dogs from the cellar.

"If others see we are afraid, we fear we will be unappealing in their eyes — someone they pity but don't respect or want to befriend.

"Yet as we pretend to be okay, we sink even more deeply into feeling separate, alone and threatened."

Brach helped Barbara tune into the physical sensations of fear she felt when she thought she was upsetting her husband. Then she asked Barbara to identify what exactly she was afraid of, and to recognize that her thoughts didn't necessarily reflect reality.

For sure, these strategies are easier when you've got a trained therapist helping you — which not everyone has or wants.

But for me at least, the real takeaway here is that sometimes, you need to acknowledge that you're afraid. The deep-seated cause of the fear might not present itself immediately, or for a long time. But the point isn't to be a psychic detective.

Even if you just acknowledge to yourself that something is scary — that the dogs are down there — that's a big step toward reducing the fear, and toward more fulfilling relationships.

SEE ALSO: A Harvard psychologist says too many people think about happiness all wrong

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19 tricks for reading people's body language

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Reading other people's body language is tricky business.

If someone's crossing his arms, for example, you could assume that he's closed off, when in fact he's just cold.

That said, when you're trying to discern what a person is really thinking and feeling, it helps to know what kind of gestures and facial expressions to look for.

Because sometimes, a person's nonverbal displays don't quite match up with what she's telling you out loud.

Below, we've rounded up 19 scientific insights into the significance of body language, pulled from Psychology Today, research journals, and a few awesome books.

SEE ALSO: 8 body language tricks to instantly appear more confident

The shoulder shrug is a universal signal of not knowing what's going on

According to Barbara Pease and Allan Pease, authors of "The Definitive Book of Body Language," everybody does the shoulder shrug. 

The shrug is a "good example of a universal gesture that is used to show that a person doesn't know or doesn't understand what you are saying," they write.

"It's a multiple gesture that has three main parts," they continue. "Exposed palms to show nothing is being concealed in the hands, hunched shoulders to protect the throat from attack, and raised brow, which is a universal, submissive greeting." 



Open palms are an ancient display of honesty

When someone swears to tell the truth in a court of law, they put one hand on a religious text and raise their other hand into the air, palm facing whoever they're speaking to.

That's because, the Peases write in "The Definitive Book of Body Language," an open palm has been associated with "truth, honesty, allegiance, and submission" throughout Western history. 

"Just as a dog will expose its throat to show submission or surrender to the victor," they write, "humans use their palms to show that they are unarmed and therefore not a threat." 



A lack of crinkles around the eyes suggests a potentially fake smile

The jury is still out on whether we can tell when someone is faking what scientists call a Duchenne smile. It's the expression we make when we're genuinely experiencing positive emotion.

At one point, researchers believed that making a genuine smile was nearly impossible to do on command. The smile, they said, was all about the crow's-feet around your eyes. When you're smiling joyfully, they crinkle. When you're faking it, they don't. 

If someone's trying to look happy but really isn't, you won't see the wrinkles.

More recently, a study from Northeastern University researchers found that people could do a pretty good job of faking a Duchenne smile, even when they weren't feeling especially happy.

It seems safe to say that if the crinkles aren't there, the person's probably not genuinely happy. But just because the crinkles are there doesn't necessarily mean they're elated.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

I went on 100 dates in a single year — here are the biggest mistakes people make on first dates

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Between 2011 and 2012, I went on 101 dates with 52 different men. It was all part of a social experiment I'd devised while finishing my undergraduate degree at UC Berkeley.

After each date, I documented the experience to figure out what specifically had made it a success or a failure.

As the experiment went on, I started noticing all kinds of patterns — and I saw lots of guys make the same mistakes over and over again.

Today, I'm a dating coach, and I use the findings from my personal experiment to help my clients. Here are some of the pitfalls I advise them to avoid at all costs.

1. Trying to impress your date with money

It took me 29 dates to come to this realization.

I met date #29 at a swanky nightclub in San Francisco and he invited me to a fancy dinner the following evening. He was a wealthy CEO living in Silicon Valley and the date was fun because I got to dress up and drink expensive wine.

Looking back though, I realized that date #29 tried to bait me with money. In the first five minutes of conversation, I knew his net worth, what model car he drove, and the high-priced neighborhood he lived in.

To be quite frank, I think that's why I agreed to go on a second, third, and fourth date with him. Eventually, I realized our connection was superficial — and I didn't even want to see if we could develop something deeper.

Tip: Try to avoid talking about money on a first date. It will either make the other person want to meet you again for the wrong reasons, or it will come off as crass and turn them off.

2. Talking about your ex

I met date #60 on OkCupid and we went for drinks at a local watering hole the next day. He spent the first half of our date discussing his past relationships — even when I tried to change the subject.

I'm not really into discussing pig slaughter when I'm eating bacon, and that's kind of how it felt to talk about heartbreak and past-girlfriend drama on a first date.

Tip: Don't go on a date until you have finished grieving any past relationships. When you discuss old relationships on a first date, it doesn't make your current date feel special or important. Plus, talking about an ex and all the ways the person wronged you could make you look whiny.

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3. Talking negatively about your career

At first, I found date #69 attractive because he seemed to have a go-getter personality and a great intellect. He told me that he had invented three different products while in college and had been published in many academic journals — which, if true, was pretty impressive.

But he lost my interest when he ended his story with, "Yeah, but then I ended up working for the man."

It is such a turn-off when someone speaks negatively about their career. Honestly, I always think: If you're not happy doing what you're doing, then do something else. I understand that's more complicated than it sounds, but no one wants to date a complainer.

Tip: If you hate your job, talk about your hobbies and your passions instead. Or, focus on your career before you focus on love. Interestingly, I've found that my clients who are happy with their careers seem to find a partner much more quickly than those who haven't figured out that portion of their life.

4. Not calling it a date

I didn't even know date #98 was a date until I heard it from his buddy: "Oh, how was your date with my friend?"

Date? What date? Unbeknownst to me, the night that #98 had taken me to dinner to discuss "business" was a date. I hadn't even stopped to think about whether I was romantically interested in him.

Tip: Don't try to pull the bait and switch. A date is not a date unless it's explicitly called a date upon invitation.

5. Not arranging the second date on the first date

I learned this lesson from date #78. At the end of our time together, he drove me to work and asked me if I'd be available Thursday for a second date.

He made me want to see him again, at least partly because he was upfront about his desire to see me again.

The majority of the guys I dated during my experiment did not do this. They'd wait a couple of days before asking me out again, when the date wasn't fresh in my mind. Meaning I was less likely to accept their invitation.

Tip: Always ask for date #2 on date #1… that is, if you like the person.

6. Not touching the person at all

A lot of the guys I went on a first date with didn't touch me at all — not even a hug hello. For me, and for many people, that automatically puts you in the friend zone.

In fact, during the middle of date #79, the guy told me he was a masseuse and asked if I wanted a massage. This was a little obvious and made me too aware of his agenda but, really, who turns down massages? Even though the concept was weird, when he put his hands on that area between my shoulders and neck, I immediately felt a magnetic pull. It was like magic.

Tip: In a non-creepy way, touch your date three or four times on a first date. A good process to follow is to hug hello, hug goodbye, and somewhere in between, show your date a cool video on your smartphone so they have to get close to you — and hopefully lean against you — to see it. It will put them in a more romantic mindset.

Emyli (EmLovz) is a San Francisco Dating Coach who offers worldwide one-on-one coaching sessions and online dating courses for men and women.

SEE ALSO: I went on 100 dates in a single year — here are my 3 best pieces of advice on breaking the ice with a stranger

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NOW WATCH: What you should talk about on a first date, according to research

A WWII veteran finally received a love letter his wife wrote in 1945

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The INSIDER Summary:

  • Melissa Fahy of New Jersey found a letter under her stairs while remodeling her home.
  • It was written by a woman named Virginia, and addressed to Rolf Christofferson, a Norwegian Navy sailor. The letter had presumably sat there for over 70 years.
  • Fahy connected with Christofferson and gave him the letter almost exactly six years after Virginia, his wife, died. 


A 96-year-old World War II veteran has been reunited with a love letter his wife wrote him in 1945.

Melissa Fahy in New Jersey found the letter in a gap under her stairs while doing home renovations. The letter had presumably sat there for over 70 years, a local NBC affiliate reported.

“I love you Rolf, as I love the warm sun, and that is what you are to my life, the sun about which everything else revolves for me,” a woman named Virginia wrote to her husband, Rolf Christofferson, a Norwegian Navy sailor who served with the allies during World War II.

“Here’s a warm, warm kiss for my sweet Norske and a prayer that you’ll be home with me soon,” she wrote, signing the letter, “Until death do us part.”

The New Jersey family posted about the letter on Facebook and was able to connect with Christofferson and his son in California. While Rolf is still alive, the letter was returned to him almost six years to the day after Virginia died.

“In a way, I guess it’s his wife coming back and making her memory alive again,” Fahy told NBC.

It’s not the first time good Samaritans have made an effort to reunite a letter with its proper owner. In one strange case, a supermarket worker in the U.K. discovered a World War II-era letter in the lost and found and was able to reunite it with the descendants of the woman who wrote it.

Another U.K. man who discovered some 14,000 dog tags from WWII has set out to reunite all of them with their owners or their owners' relatives.

Join the conversation about this story »

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I went on 100 dates in a single year — here are my top 4 tips to make a great first impression in any situation

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In 2011 and 2012, I went on 101 dates with 52 different men. It was part of a social experiment that I designed while in school at UC Berkeley.

One of the greatest takeaways from my experiment is that first impressions matter a lot.

If a date starts off on the wrong foot, it can be hard to recover from there. On the other hand, if you start off strong, both of you will be much more relaxed for the rest of the date. The same logic applies to the first time you meet anyone, even a potential client.

Today, I'm a dating coach, and these are the tips I give my clients for making a great first impression. But they work just as well whether you're trying to attract your perfect partner or close a business deal.

1. Pay attention to the details of your appearance

I can't stress it enough: The small stuff matters.

I'm not saying go out and spend your life savings on new clothes, a fancy watch, or an overpriced new car. What I am saying is clean up the scuff marks on your shoes and iron your clothes before you go out. If nothing else, you'll be confident that you look polished and put-together, so you can focus on the interaction instead of your insecurities.

It helps, too, to master your own "signature style." For example, I met date #14 at a fancy bar in the financial district of San Francisco. Dressed in a fitted business suit complete with skinny tie and black-rimmed glasses, he seemed to have mastered the tall, dark, and handsome archetype. It's not a look every guy can pull off, but he'd made it work — and that really increased his appeal.

2. Prolong your eye contact

One of the most important ways to pique someone's romantic interest is to make — and hold — eye contact. It's another way to make a great first impression before you even start talking.

Case in point: I met date #26 at a nightclub in San Francisco. I was standing at the top of a flight of stairs, talking with my friends when he walked past. For a second, we locked eyes and there was this undeniable chemistry — no words required. He walked across the room to where his friends were standing and looked back at me.

What struck me about him was his prolonged eye contact — it was so intense. He was smiling and watching me from across the room and when I looked at him, he didn't look away, but rather, smiled even more and maintained his eye contact.

In my experience, most guys look away after a second or two, but #26 never did. The prolonged eye contact sent a clear message that he was both confident and interested. Thanks to #26, one of the first things I teach my clients is to extend their eye contact and pay attention to others who reciprocate it.

Even when you're meeting someone in a platonic context, your ability to sustain eye contact is crucial. Let's say you're at a professional conference and you spot someone you'd like to meet. See if you can hold their gaze for at least three seconds. (You can smile politely so it doesn't seem creepy!) If they look right back at you, you can walk over and introduce yourself.

networking talking

3. If you're on the shyer side, roll with an outgoing wingperson

There's a story I like to share with my clients who are somewhat quiet. The lesson is that, even if you are naturally shy and don't like to be forward, you can ask one of your outgoing friends or colleagues to be your wingman. Not only will you learn from them, but they'll help you create more opportunities to meet people.

I met date #21 at work, when I was a server at a steakhouse in San Francisco. He was there with his friend, Sam, an outgoing guy who told me he had recently gotten married and was expecting his first child. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that Sam was flirting with me, but as it turned out, he was just a really good wingman.

#21 was quiet as a mouse. I had no idea he was even interested in pursuing me until the end of their dinner, when Sam got up to use the restroom and told me #21 was interested. I thought it was kind of cute that he was so shy — and he was smart to go out with such an outgoing friend. So I gave him a chance.

If you're going to a networking event, and you have the option of bringing someone with you, consider inviting someone who seems charismatic and loves talking to new people. It will make you feel more comfortable approaching complete strangers, and will give you a sense of how to introduce yourself and start conversations in the future, when you're on your own.

4. Make the person feel comfortable in their environment

Date #70 and I met at a coffee shop on campus that I was very familiar with. He made a great first impression by doing research on my online dating profile and choosing a location in my neighborhood — a place I already felt safe in.

After we ordered coffee, we decided to take a stroll around campus. Walking with him in my own environment felt comfortable and familiar. It seemed to create an association between my feelings for him and my feelings about the environment we were in. My first impression of him was one of comfort and familiarity — the same feelings I felt for my school campus.

If you have a date or a meeting with a new acquaintance coming up, try scheduling the meetup in an environment you know the other person will be comfortable in. If you can't meet them in their office, at least offer to meet them in the neighborhood where they work.

This is a great way to make a positive — albeit somewhat subconscious — first impression on the other person.

Emyli (EmLovz) is a San Francisco Dating Coach who offers worldwide 1-on-1 coaching sessions and online dating courses for men and women.

SEE ALSO: I went on 100 dates in a single year — here are the biggest mistakes people make on first dates

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A relationship expert says one word can defuse a fight with your partner — but most people don't use it enough

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silver linings playbook diner fight scene

Being in a long-term relationship means that your partner gets to know you really well — which is a perfectly double-edged sword.

On the one hand, you can be yourself around them— your unfiltered, sometimes un-showered, lame-joke-telling self. On the other hand, they eventually learn better than anyone else exactly which buttons to push to set you off.

Hal Runkel puts it eloquently: "No one can touch you like the one you expose yourself most to, but no one can hurt you like the one you expose yourself the most to."

Runkel is a marriage and family therapist, and the author of multiple books on parenting and relationships, including, most recently, "Choose Your Own Adulthood."

When he visited the Business Insider office in May, Runkel shared his best advice for de-escalating a conflict that's spiraled out of control because one person said something that cut deep.

Actually, that advice is just one word: "Ouch."

It's a word that doesn't get used nearly enough in marriage, Runkel said.

Here's Runkel: "When [you're] in conflict, inevitably [you] will say something that hurts the other person using the 'inside information' that you have on them or that they have on you."

As in: Your partner knows you're struggling to lose weight and they blurt out, Of course you didn't take five minutes to walk the dog — you were too busy stuffing your face!

At that moment, Runkel said, "Everything in you wants to scream something right back at them: 'Oh yeah? Well, you're starting to look like your mother!'"

Here's where the word "ouch" comes in handy. Runkel explained that the best response in this situation is simply, "Ouch. That one hurt. I don't know if you were meaning to hurt me; I don't know if that's what you were going for; but that's what you did."

Your partner may get defensive and say something back like, "You've said some pretty hurtful things to me!"

Now here's your line: "You're right. I have, and I hate that I have."

"That conversation —which was a very familiar path, that fight — is now a totally different path because one of you chose to actually get vulnerable," Runkel said.

"It wasn't a step of pushing [your partner] away. It was a step of inviting [your partner] in by saying: You know what? I am open enough to you that you can actually hurt me. So now how about we talk to each other as if we actually love each other?"

That display of vulnerability is key — and a lot harder than it sounds.

Too many of us have this tendency to pretend that we're made of emotional steel — that when our partner insults us, or doesn't pay us enough attention, we're totally fine.

Ideally, when you implement Runkel's strategy, your partner will respond in kind, and you two can have a calm conversation about what's bothering you. Yet Runkel also mentioned that your partner's next sentence after you admit that you've been hurt will tell you a lot about your relationship.

All you can really do is start the dialogue: "That hurt. Tell me what you'd like me to do with that."

SEE ALSO: 8 signs you're in a strong relationship — even if it doesn't feel like it

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