I recently had the chance to interview marriage and family therapist Hal Runkel, and posed what I thought was a pretty innocuous question: How do you get your partner to help with household chores?

Runkel's answer: You don't.

"Whenever we start off a question with, 'How can I get someone to do more of this?' we've started off on the wrong foot," he said. "Because already, we're trying to get manipulative, literally trying to manipulate this other person to do what we actually need them to do. And it will always backfire."

Nobody wants to be told to make the bed, or wash the dishes, or put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Inevitably, Runkel said, "They will fight us on that."

Plus, if you really think about it, you don't want to tell your partner to be a responsible adult, either.

As Runkel put it, "you want them to want to do the dishes."

Fat chance of that happening, right? Well, maybe. It depends on how you communicate your frustration.

Runkel shared specific language you can use: "It hurts me when it seems like I do more than you do. I don't know if you've noticed that, and I don't know if this is some unspoken arrangement, but I'm not going to do more than my share anymore. What you do after that is up to you."

Runkel said he speaks from personal experience. At some point, his wife told him, "You're a grown man. I'm not going to tell you to make the bed."

Then she added: "I'm just letting you know that when you don't make the bed, it makes it harder for me to want to climb back in that bed with you later that night."

Zing!

"I had new motivation for making the bed," Runkel said. But there's a twist.

Runkel went on: "I realized one of the reasons I wasn't making the bed is because there's no reason to have 52 throw pillows on top of the bed. It should not take an hour to make the bed. So I'm going to make it … at the level at which I think it is made. If you want to come back and put more on it, that's great."

If there's an overarching theme here, it's the importance of honesty — being truthful with yourself and with your partner.

If you're disappointed because your partner treats you like a housekeeper, say so. If you're frustrated because your partner insists on having chores done their way, say that, too. It's better than letting the resentment brew until you end up blurting out something unkind.

SEE ALSO: A relationship expert says one word can defuse a fight with your partner — but most people don't use it enough

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The INSIDER Summary

• When the sun's out, so are any plans of staying indoors with your significant other.
• From kayaking to eating all the ice cream you stomach, there are plenty of summer activities that'll keep the romance alive. 

The temperatures are rising and so is the chemistry with that special someone.

But if you're tired of the typical dinner dates or Netflix and chill hangouts, the summer season offers plenty of opportunities to step out of your comfort zone and do something a little more offbeat. 

Here are 16 unique date ideas that will spice up your summer. 

Hit up a rooftop movie theater

Take the classic dinner and movie combo to the next level — literally. Rooftop movie theaters are popping up all over the country, from Los Angeles to New York, and for good reason. Arrive early for happy hour, watch the sunset, and grab your seats to catch a favorite flick. 

Hitch a ride on a hot air balloon

Experience breathtaking views from a hot air balloon with your date. Take a slew of selfies to record an experience that'll leave you both riding high. 

Enter a Color Run race

Participate in the happiest 5K on the planet — the Color Run. Even if you and your date aren't the most athletically inclined, don't worry, the goal of the race isn't to be the fastest, but to have the most fun.  

If you've ever seen a particularly cheesy couple celebrate their anniversary on Facebook (or if — the horror! — you are that cheesy couple), you might have seen one person call their SO their "other half." Or, maybe one of them announced to the other: "You complete me."

As it turns out, more than just annoying clichés, these metaphors are actually terrible descriptions of a healthy relationship.

At least, that's according to Hal Runkel, a marriage and family therapist who is the author of multiple books on parenting and relationships, including, most recently, "Choose Your Own Adulthood."

When he visited the Business Insider office in May, Runkel broke it down for us, using his own marriage as an example: "I am a whole person. She is not powerful enough to complete me. I'm not powerful enough to complete her. She's a complete person. That's why I want her. Not because she's half; she's whole."

That is to say, Runkel doesn't need his wife — and his wife doesn't need him — to be a fully functioning person. When he hears people tell couples, "You are supposed to meet another's needs," he said, "that is the most horrific piece of advice I can imagine."

Instead, Runkel said, you should want your partner, and vice versa.

It might sound like semantics — but this mental reframing allows you to take a much more reasonable approach to any romantic relationship.

It means, Runkel said, that you always need to be working on yourself — first to make sure you're a happy and healthy individual, and second to make sure you're a desirable partner.

"When was the last time you actually respected a needy person, much less found them attractive?" Runkel said.

What's more, Runkel said, there will be times when you and your partner can't fully meet each other's needs. If one of you gets sick, for example, the other can only do his or her best at being caring and supportive.

Of his own marriage, Runkel said something as sensible as it is romantic: "I don't need my wife, which frees me up to want her. I want her."

If you want to attract the other person, he added, what you should be saying (at least to yourself) is: "I could live without you, but that's the last thing I want to do."

SEE ALSO: A relationship expert says one word can defuse a fight with your partner — but most people don't use it enough

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Managing a team can be a challenge for everyone. If you're young and it's your first time in a management role, it can be even more so.

You are likely to be in charge of people who have a range of different skills, different personalities, and different ages.

At some point, you'll probably have to manage someone who is older than you. This can get a little awkward to say the least.

According to Juliet Hailstone, senior product marketing manager at HR company MHR, being in charge of someone your senior can be intimidating because you assume they have more experience, more knowledge and more confidence than you.

She gave Business Insider five tips on what to do if you find yourself in this position, so you can get the most out of your team without anyone feeling uncomfortable.

1. You have been asked to do this job for a reason.

According to Hailstone, empathy goes a long way. Think about why you got the job and why they didn't. Perhaps they missed out, or maybe they wanted more time at home at the point they are at in their career. Whatever the reason, you got the job because you have certain strengths, but that doesn't mean that they don't have brilliant skills too.

"It is important to remember that you have been asked to manage your team for a reason — you have the skills and will prove this in time," Hailstone said. "Be patient and assertive about what you would like to achieve and how you would like your team to support those goals, but avoid being pushy... In my experience, managers that shout about being a good boss usually aren't."

2. Focus on minimising friction.

One of your most important roles as a new manager is making it clear what you want the team to achieve. Hailstone recommends adopting a democratic style of leadership to help keep friction low between team members.

"By focusing on tasks rather than on your role as a new manager, you can remove much of the uncertainty and emotion that drives negativity that is often directed upwards," she said. "There is clear direction and your actions are in context. There is clear reasoning behind the requests and decisions that you make."

If everyone is moving in the same direction, you'll probably work in a much more amicable environment.

3. Don't underestimate the power of your elders.

It's important to remember that all the experience your older employees have built up is valuable to you too. Everyone can bring different experiences and knowledge to the table, so use it.

You can start team discussions off assuming you can all learn from each other, and a good leader takes everything of value on board.

"Summarising how each team member contributes to your vision for achieving your objectives can ensure buy in and will make people feel good," Hailstone said. "By acknowledging the strengths of your team members you can make them recognise their importance."

4. Understand what motivates your team members.

You need to know what your team members are after in order to keep them happy and working hard. Of course, everyone is motivated by different things, so you have to ask them how they want to be managed and respect their opinions.

"Some managers underestimate the drive of older employees to learn and stay relevant," Hailstone said. "Regardless of age, knowing what matters to your team members will help you support them in the rights ways — with appropriate development plans and meaningful rewards."

Older employees might value flexibility, whereas younger staff might want more money. It's all about having the right conversations.

5. Plan to get the best from your team.

"Nothing demonstrates experience, knowledge and confidence like success and results," Hailstone said. "With a clear set of initiatives and plans to back them up, you definitely do not need to feel intimidated by anyone younger or older."

A good leader will be able to create a healthy environment within the team that brings together all the different skills each employee brings. And don't forget, you are included in that.

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Business Insider recently published a roundup of the best relationship advice real people have ever heard.

We learned that love isn't enough for a solid relationship and that it's important to pick and choose your battles. Helpful stuff.

Then we started to wonder: What's the most obviously bad relationship advice out there? The advice that's either outdated or never made any sense in the first place?

So we turned to a series of experts — including a biological anthropologist and a marriage and family therapist — to find out.

Below, we've rounded up six pieces of advice that you've probably heard, but that you definitely shouldn't be taking to heart (pun intended).

SEE ALSO: 9 real people share the best relationship advice they've ever heard

'If you're fighting, your relationship is in trouble'

"It's not that you fight, but how you fight that determines the health and happiness of a relationship. If you never fight or disagree with your partner, one of you may be harboring resentments.

"And, while I'm talking about fighting ... the piece of advice that drives me crazy is, 'Never go to bed angry.' In fact, sometimes a good night's sleep is exactly what you need to think more clearly and fight right."

— Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of "He's Just Not Your Type (And That's a Good Thing)"

'Cyber snooping can save you from choosing the wrong partner'

"First off, if someone gives you this advice, take a look at the quality of that person’s relationship before you choose to follow in their footsteps.

"If you cannot trust your partner, then you've already chosen the wrong one. The bigger question is why you are attracted to a person whom you do not trust. Put simply, snooping destroys trust, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship."

— Emyli Lovz, dating coach

'In order for a relationship to work, it has to be magic right from the start'

"Or really that it has to be anything. Often when people give advice, they're telling you what's true for them.

"And the lesson I learned interviewing hundreds of couples is that there's no one way that love unfolds — or is sustained.

"Some people fall in love at first sight. Others sit next to the same person at the office for years and feel nothing — until, one day, they do.

"The advice I'd give people is to really learn to listen to themselves. And if an answer isn't immediately apparent, check in with your body. I once heard a yoga instructor say that your head can lie to you, but your body never will. I've found that to invariably true and useful in all areas of life — especially relationships."

— Ellen McCarthy, Washington Post reporter and author of "The Real Thing"

Since 1990, the divorce rate among adults 50 years and older has doubled. This trend, along with longer life expectancy, has resulted in many adults forming new partnerships later in life.

A new phenomenon called “Living Apart Together” (LAT) — an intimate relationship without a shared residence — is gaining popularity as an alternative form of commitment among both older and younger adults.

Researchers at the University of Missouri say that while the trend is well understood in Europe, it is lesser known in the U.S. This means that challenges, such as how these partners can engage in family caregiving or decision-making, could affect family needs.

“What has long been understood about late-in-life relationships is largely based on long-term marriage,” said Jacquelyn Benson, assistant professor in the College of Human Environmental Sciences.

“There are now more divorced and widowed adults who are interested in forging new intimate relationships outside the confines of marriage. Recent research demonstrates that there are other ways of establishing long-lasting, high-quality relationships without committing to marriage or living together,” she says.

“However, U.S. society has yet to recognize LAT as a legitimate choice. If more people — young and old, married or not — saw LAT as an option, it might save them from a lot of future heartache.”

Benson and Marilyn Coleman, curators professor of human development and family science, interviewed adults who were at least 60 and in committed relationships, but lived apart. The researchers found that couples were motivated by desires to stay independent, maintain their own homes, sustain existing family boundaries and remain financially independent.

But couples expressed challenges defining their relationships or choosing terms to properly convey the nature of their relationships to others. For example, the majority considered traditional dating terms such as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” to be awkward terms to use at their ages.

“While we are learning more about LAT relationships, further research is needed to determine how LAT relationships are related to issues such as health care and caregiving,” Benson said.

“Discussions about end-of-life planning and caregiving can be sensitive to talk about; however, LAT couples should make it a priority to have these conversations both as a couple and with their families. Many of us wait until a crisis to address those issues, but in situations like LAT where there are no socially prescribed norms dictating behavior, these conversations may be more important than ever.”

Benson is seeking older adults from around the country in committed, monogamous relationships who are choosing to live apart or living together unmarried for further research.

SEE ALSO: Why having more single people is good for society, according to a scientist who did 2 decades of research

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The INSIDER Summary:

• Will Claye and Queen Harrison are USA Olympic athletes who train in different states.
• They got engaged at the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio.
• They spoke to INSIDER about how they make their long distance relationship work with their intense training and competition schedules.
• Communication, trust, and honesty are all important — as is an unlimited phone plan.

Will Claye had just won the silver medal in the triple men's jump at the 2016 Olympics in Rio. He rushed into the stands to where Queen Harrison, a hurdler and sprinter who competed in the 2008 Olympics, was cheering him on. And then he got down on one knee.

The USA Track and Field athletes met in college and dated for four years before Claye popped the question. Much of their relationship has been long distance due to their intense training and competition schedules. (Harrison currently trains in Arizona, while Claye's coach is located in California.) 

The Olympians don't usually go more than three weeks without seeing each other since getting engaged last summer, but they continue to travel constantly and train fiercely, their sights already set on winning gold in 2020.

Harrison and Claye spoke to INSIDER (from Arizona and Guadalupe, respectively) about how they make their long distance relationship work.

Communication, communication, communication

Claye and Harrison agreed that communication is the most fundamental element of any long distance relationship, theirs included.

"Communication is the biggest thing," said Claye.

Share the small stuff

Harrison said that sharing mundane things, like what you ate for lunch, can help your partner feel part of your daily routine.

"Those small, mundane things that you think aren't really important are really important to your partner because they want to know how you're living and how you're moving," she said.

Get an unlimited phone plan

In order to stay in touch and share your daily life with your partner without running up an expensive phone bill, you'll need the right equipment.

"You're gonna be spending a lot of time on that phone, goodness gracious," Harrison laughed.

Trust each other

Long distance relationships can be challenging and lonely at times. Trusting that you'll remain committed to each other even when the distance is difficult is key.

"You're not with your partner every day, so there's a huge amount of trust that you need to have in each other, not just that they're fully invested in you the same way you are in them," Harrison said.

Be honest

If something does start to feel off, don't keep it to yourself.

"Being secure and honest with yourself about how you feel about certain things is really important," said Harrison. "If something bothers you or feels off, express that, communicate that. If it continues to bother you and you're not around that person to get secure, it will just build up."

Forgive easily

When the time you spend together is limited, it's not worth fighting over the little things.

"We're not going to wallow in being upset or mad at each other, especially for small, silly things, because you're going to be leaving in three days and I'm going to be like, 'I wish he was here,'" she said.

Stay focused on your goals

"We have the next Olympics coming up," said Claye. "We both have very high goals set for that, so we have to stay disciplined. We may have to sacrifice in our relationship, and we may have to sacrifice on the track sometimes, but hopefully we can find a balance where our goals can still be accomplished."

Join the conversation about this story »

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The INSIDER Summary:

• If you want your ex back, the "love hormone" may be the culprit. 
• A new study says that oxytocin is released in times of crisis and that it can bond you to your ex when you feel them pulling away.
• The findings suggest there could be a biological reason why you try hard to make things work towards the end of a relationship. 
  

  ---

To state the obvious: Breakups and fights with a significant other really blow. Distress within a relationship and the ultimate fight, the breakup, can be extremely painful, confusing, and often leave you with a deepened sense of longing for your partner. Somehow, the turmoil makes us want to be as close to our partner (or ex) as possible. Now, researchers have found out why this happens. 

According to a new study from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology and the University of New Mexico, the brain releases oxytocin (that’s the “love hormone” that makes people want to cuddle after sex, among other things) when someone perceives that their partner is less involved in the relationship than they are and during times of distress in the relationship. While oxytocin is mostly known as a hormone associated with love and bonding, the researchers argue that it’s also a “crisis hormone,” according to a study press release.

Researchers examined 75 couples and 148 individuals who are romantically involved and found that oxytocin increased both during times of bonding and in times of relationship instability. In fact, oxytocin release was even more consistent with moments of distress than in times of love and bonding.

Researchers discovered this by observing that partners who were more involved in the relationship released oxytocin when thinking about their significant other, whereas those who were less involved did not.

Study co-author Aarseth Kristoffersen says one reason why this could happen is “because people in a relationship where their partner is waffling need to engage more” in order to make the relationship work. Co-author Steven Gangestad says, “What’s implied here is a statement about what oxytocin is doing: It’s perhaps fostering attention to and motivation to ‘take care of’ the relationship.”

These findings suggest there’s a biological desire to make things work with our partners when they seem checked out, or when the relationship has ended. Whether or not it’s good or healthy to listen to the instinct to make things work and keep investing in the relationship is another issue altogether. The brain may say “stay!” but if the relationship is dysfunctional or unhappy, the tough work of acting in our best interests — but against what our body is telling us — begins.

It also stands to reason that this phenomenon contributes to the strong urge to reconcile and make things work during a breakup. If the less-involved person leaves the relationship altogether while their partner is releasing oxytocin because of the distance caused by the breakup, that second person is still driven to be close and pay attention to their partner. And that’s one of the major emotional pains of breaking up.

The study helps explain what’s going on when relationships are in distress, and also raises a lot of interesting questions about romantic partnerships. Is it possible to counteract oxytocin’s effect to make fights and breakups easier? Does oxytocin prompt people to stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should? There’s still a lot more research to be done on the subject, but just knowing this phenomenon exists helps us better understand our behavior in relationships.

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The INSIDER Summary:

• I have anxiety.
• My boyfriend of two years and I have not always had an easy time navigating the challenges that come with that.
• Through patience, not taking things personally, and having good communication, he's helped me immensely.
• Having a good support system can help people with anxiety get help through whatever channels they need.

  ---

I've always been a really anxious person, but as I got older, the anxiety only got worse. Panic could hit me at any moment, whether I was shopping or watching TV.

Living with this for a long time, I've developed ways of coping. I've seen a therapist and I've gotten to know my brain better. I can better predict when an onslaught of panic is coming my way and I now have successful ways of coping.

But just when I thought I had it all (mostly) figured out, another person came into the mix.

When I started dating my boyfriend, he knew full-well I had anxiety. We had been friends for many years, so he'd seen me leave bars early or excuse myself to sit in a room alone for a while and then quietly rejoin the group with minimal comment. He knew this side of my anxiety, the side that many see and the front that I put on, but not what was happening behind closed doors.

Once we began dating, however, he was forced to confront what my having anxiety really meant. And, it didn't go great at first.

Expecting someone without anxiety to fully understand how someone with anxiety operates is like trying to teach a dog to speak Spanish; you're both going to end up frustrated. But, with some care and some serious patience, you can make your relationship as "normal" as possible.

After over two years of dating my boyfriend, there are some things we've both learned that help make things easier.

Know your partners' triggers.

There are more types of anxiety than there are flavors of ice cream, and everyone who has it reacts differently. But most people will tell you that they have certain factors that set them off or make them more prone to panic.

Knowing the things that make your partner uncomfortable can help you avoid putting them in those situations. If something is unavoidable, simply knowing that it is a trigger for them will help you react in a more helpful way.

It also helps you plan practically, like knowing not to surprise your partner with plane tickets for a spontaneous getaway if they experience anxiety while flying.

Learn how they cope.

Even if your partner has not sought therapy (more on that later!), they will most likely have a set of behaviors or habits that help them when they get anxious. Asking what you can do and paying attention to how they calm themselves can make a world of a difference.

Be aware that normal behaviors you may rely on to soothe an upset person — like physical contact or trying to distract them — may actually make things worse for someone with anxiety. That's why the best thing you can do is ask what works best for them. 

This communication can go a long way in helping to decrease their anxiety and hopefully bypassing some snafus along the way. Just ask my boyfriend what happens when someone tries to hug me when I'm really in the throes of anxiety (it's not pretty). He's learned that he needs to sit with me instead.

Encourage them to seek help in whatever form they need.

I truly believe even the most well-adjusted person could benefit from at least a little therapy, but that's because I have a great relationship with my therapist. Not everyone is that lucky and not everyone is ready to try therapy.

It's important to not force your partner into any forms of treatment that they're not comfortable with, but to help them find outlets that really work for their needs. My boyfriend was incredibly helpful when I mentioned wanting to try therapy, but also encouraged me when I used cooking and spin classes as ways to decrease my anxiety, too.

Maybe painting helps your partner or perhaps they've found serious relief by being prescribed anti-anxiety medications. Barring unsafe behaviors, encouraging your partner to find out what works for them in a non-judgmental space can work wonders.

Try not to take things personally.

A lot of my anxiety is around food. One time, my boyfriend put what I considered to be very old cheese in a soup he had worked for hours on, and I outright refused to eat it. At first he got very frustrated — understandably so — but after discussing it, we found a solution for this type of situation to protect both his feelings and mine in the future.

That doesn't mean it's always easy. While it's important that I honor his feelings and do my best not to hurt him, there's always a possibility my anxiety is going to affect him negatively. When that happens, I really appreciate that he does his best to recognize that it's my chemical makeup that's frustrating him and I have little to no control over it most of the time. And as bad as he feels, he knows that I feel about ten times worse for hurting him, so he does his best not to take it personally and I try not to do it again.

Remember: It's all a work in progress.

As much as I would love to say that our relationship is now rainbows and unicorns and that we hold the secret to happiness, I can't. But, it's important to remember that everything in life — including both your and your partner's relationship to their anxiety — is a complicated beast. You'll have good days and bad, you'll sometimes feel like they're completely over their fears and other times you'll take 10 steps back.

It's okay to be frustrated and it's okay to be hopeful. Take it one day at a time and know that every setback is the start to a new come up.

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For married couples, the period after the honeymoon is often when the rubber meets the road. And often, the real-world strains revolve around around money. In fact, according to a survey by SunTrust Bank, money is the No. 1 cause of stress in relationships, and having financial arguments is the top predictor of divorce, a separate study by Kansas State University found.

On the flip side, a MONEY survey revealed that couples who trust their partner with finances felt more secure, argued less, and had more fulfilling sex lives. So start talking. (We've got a few tips here.) These three married couples, from all different stages in life, offer their advice on the right questions to ask and the pitfalls to avoid.

SEE ALSO: How 6 real people paid off thousands in debt — without windfalls or 6-figure jobs

Bob and Sue Saumur

Ages: 72 and 73
Married: 48 Years
Hometown: Champlin, Minnesota

The most important thing Bob learned from occasional money arguments with Sue: It's not really about the money. "It's about how the person looks at life and what his or her priorities are," he says.

Their first money clash centered on what home repair they should make with a bonus Bob earned. He wanted a water softener. Sue wanted new carpeting. "We ended up flipping a coin, but I couldn't understand why she didn't agree with me," recalls Bob. "It was only later as we talked it over more that I realized her wanting carpet was really about the health of our child, who was just then starting to crawl."

Now Bob and Sue try to dig deeper when they don't align on a purchase or goal to get at the heart of why something is so important to the other. Plus, "you have to be willing to let the other person have their way sometimes, even if you think you're right," Bob says. "You can't always win and take priority in a relationship."

Erik Hansen and Sejal Madhubhai

Ages: 31 and 26
Married: 8 Months
Hometown: Orlando

When Sejal married Erik, she experienced an unexpected downside to their union. "I'm a student and so make a lot less than Erik, and that pay disparity gets to me," she says. Sejal, who is working part-time while applying to Ph.D. programs in curriculum and instruction, feels guilty at times for spending money, since she knows Erik, a restaurant manager, will foot much of the cost.

To make it more comfortable, they divvied up the bills so that they share four main categories of household responsibilities. Sejal pays the rent and utilities. Erik pays more in dollars, taking care of credit card and health insurance payments.

They've also found that staying on top of their tight budget is easiest when they can track all joint and separate accounts 24/7 through budgeting app Mint. "It's too easy to swipe a card and not see how much you're spending till the end of the month," Sejal says. "But when you are able to constantly look at your budget and get reminders about how much you're saving, it makes you feel good."

Erica and Wade Loewe

Ages: 35 and 38
Married: 8 Years
Hometown: Chicago

Early on in their relationship, being honest with each other about finances was tough for the Loewes. "We had to overcome a great deal of fear and shame," says graduate student Erica, who worried that Wade might judge her for her debt.

Wade, a service technician, felt uncomfortable because money wasn't discussed in his family. But "it wasn't as scary as we thought," he says. "Once we knew what each other owed and had, we could focus on making a plan and tackling our debts." Erica adds: "There is a sense of relief when you both know where the other stands

Having that talk during their engagement helped the Loewes feel more connected. They have now paid off more than half the debt that Erica brought into the marriage. "Talking about money is now just another part of our relationship," she says.

The INSIDER Summary:

• "Game of Thrones" stars Kit Harington (Jon Snow) and Rose Leslie (Ygritte) are dating.
• Now they're taking their relationship to the next level.
• Harington recently said they've been looking for apartments in NYC and England.

"Game of Thrones" may not contain many fairy tale endings, but ex-co-stars Kit Harington and Rose Leslie are finding their way towards their own happy love story.

Harington famously plays Jon Snow, who fell in love with Leslie's wildling character Ygritte in seasons three and four. Though their characters' onscreen romance ended in tragedy, the two actors are now in a flourishing real life relationship. In a new interview with Esquire, Harington revealed an exciting development in his and Leslie's relationship — they're moving in together!

Harington had been sharing a London apartment with a college friend and current business partner Dan West, according to Esquire reporter Logan Hill. But now that he and Leslie have decided to shack up, Harington is visiting various American and UK cities with Leslie to try and find a new apartment.

"Now that [Harington] and Leslie have decided to move in together, part of this trip is to see if New York will be their home," Hill wrote in his profile of Harington."They're coordinating with a real estate agent to look at apartments in Manhattan this afternoon."

But don't get too excited, New Yorkers. Hill revealed later in the piece that Harington and Leslie ultimately decided against leasing an NYC home.

"When I call [Harington] shortly before this story goes to press, he's in England,"Hill writes. "I ask about the house hunt; he tells me they didn't pull the trigger on a New York apartment. 'I'm the most fickle person,' he says. 'Now I'm looking for a house in the English countryside; next week it will be Florida. Never take my word on what the f--- I'm doing!'"

Aside from their apartment prospects, Harington prefers to keep details of his relationship with Leslie private. He wouldn't even confirm to Hill exactly how long they've been dating (even though fans of the show know they met in 2012 when filming "Game of Thrones" together).

When he declined to elaborate on their love story, Harington told Esquire it was because "it's as much her relationship as it is mine and I can't speak for both of us. But yeah, we are very, very happy. So that's what I'll say about that."

"Game of Thrones" season seven returns to HBO on July 16, where Harington's role as Jon Snow is more prominent as ever. You can read the full Esquire profile on Harington here.

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The INSIDER Summary:

• "Loveologist" Wendy Strgar has been happily married for 35 years, and reveals her tips for maintaining the spark.
• She says to build anticipation and longing, which builds excitement, too.
• She also says not to be afraid to explore your fantasies, and to appreciate your partner while you have them, since no one lives forever.

If your relationship has been feeling a bit stilted lately, like you're missing the excitement and energy you once had, don't worry — the loveologist is in.

Wendy Strgar has earned the title. She formulated her own brand of organic lubricants and aphrodisiacs called Good Clean Love, wrote a book called "Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy," and has been married for over 35 years.

In her latest book, "Sex That Works: An Intimate Guide to Awakening Your Erotic Life," she writes about how to rediscover the spark in a relationship.

Strgar spoke with INSIDER and shared five ways couples can keep the romance alive.

Broaden your definition of passion

Movies often present a particular kind of frenzied passion — usually one in which couples slam doors behind them and rip each other's clothes off. Strgar recommends broadening your horizons to a more realistic kind of love.

"Some people keep waiting for it to feel like that," she said. "They think everything that's not that is not real. That's really unfortunate, and closes people off from the sexuality that is available to them."

Build anticipation

Whether it's daydreaming about your SO or sending them flirty texts throughout the day, building anticipation also builds excitement. 

"I think there's something to be said for waiting and longing for something," she said. "It's not really a place that we respect much in our culture, but the truth is that those moments where you're thinking about it are very sexy moments."

Use "the sexiest part of your body"— your brain

"When we're young and we first become sexual and fall in love for first time, there's a whole cascade of biochemistry that wakes up in us all at once," Strgar said.

This is just a brief period in people's lives, but it's often regarded as the ultimate definition of romance.

Instead of aiming for the same feeling that hormone-fueled escapades once gave, she advises using your imagination to create a similar but distinctive kind of thrill. This requires overcoming shame around your desires and allowing your mind to wander freely to open up new and exciting romantic possibilities.

"When your body isn't teeming with those kinds of chemicals, your brain — which is the sexiest part of your body — should be able to generate that intrigue," she said. "And it's totally possible to do that."

Explore your fantasies

Being super comfortable with someone can make things stale after a while, but Strgar said that familiarity is also an incredible advantage when it comes to sharing your most intimate fantasies.

"You can go to these crazy, fantastical spaces sexually that you would not have the courage to go to with somebody you don't know as well," she said.

Appreciate your partner while you have them

The only thing you know for sure about the people you love is that they'll die one day (spoiler alert: so will you). While Strgar admits that the idea is a bit morose, she said thinking about how limited your time is with the one you love — and expressing your love accordingly — can help intensify your relationship.

"We act like we have all this time, but the truth is we hardly have any time at all to learn how to love people," she said. 

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The INSIDER Summary:

• Tash Pericic met Mirko while working as a tour guide on a pirate ship in Croatia.
• She went back to Australia for eight months, but couldn't get him out of her head.
• When she returned to Croatia to see him, they decided to get married.
• Her father flew in to surprise her on the big day.

Tash Pericic used to ask every couple she met how they knew they were right for each other. The answer was always the same: "We just knew."

"That was the most frustrating answer in the world," she told INSIDER, "but it's kind of true!"

Pericic found out for herself when she met Mirko, the captain of a pirate ship in Croatia where she spent time working as a tour guide. Even after eight months apart, she couldn't shake the feeling that he was the one.

But how did the New Zealand native end up in Croatia in the first place?

After a series of intense jobs, Pericic needed a change.

She'd moved to London from New Zealand to travel around Europe, but ended up working as the assistant manager at Maze, Gordon Ramsay's London restaurant (you can read more about what it was like to work for him here). After a year there, and a brief stint in the catering department of Goldman Sachs, she quit and started to look for ways to earn a living while traveling.

She decided to work as a tour guide on sailboats in Croatia.

Some of Pericic's friends had gone sailing in Croatia, and she'd heard it was beautiful, but that's pretty much all she knew.

"I didn't even know where it was on the map," she said. "I couldn't have told you anything about Croatia."

She had no idea what to expect, but she loved guiding groups and sailing out on the open waters.

"I instantly fell in love with the place," she said.

Croatia isn't the only thing she fell in love with.

In the last week of the season, she was transferred to a pirate ship led by a Croatian captain named Mirko — a reserved, humble man with bright green eyes that drew her in.

"When I first saw Mirko, something 'sparked' inside of me, but I didn't recognize it and definitely didn't want to follow it," she said.

They didn't get together right away, but when she came back for another season after six months as a nanny in Florence, Italy, they became a couple. When that season ended, they spent five weeks vacationing together until Pericic overstayed her visa and had to return home.

She kept in touch with Mirko, but tried to push thoughts of him away.

She went to Australia to visit family and got another job as a restaurant manager. Mirko stayed in Croatia.

"I kept trying to tell myself it was just a summer romance, it was just a fling, it's not serious, what on Earth would I do in Croatia," she said. "But after eight months, he was still on my mind."

Finally, she booked a one-way ticket to see him.

Pericic felt a bit awkward when she first arrived, but they quickly fell into their old rhythm.

"I got here, and I'm not going to say it was perfect, but something in me just felt comfortable and at home," she said "It just felt right."

Within three months of her return to Croatia, they started to think about getting married.

They Skyped Pericic's father and Mirko asked for her hand in marriage. Her dad's reply: "As long as she's happy, I'm happy."

As her visa approached its end, they decided to go for it. The town hall had an opening two days before it was set to expire, giving them five days to put together a small celebration.

"It was very emotional," she said. "I knew it was the right thing to do, but at the same time I knew it was going to be really hard to get married not having any of my family or friends around."

The Friday before the wedding, Mirko was acting strange. He'd just gotten off a yacht and kept telling her, "You just need to turn around." She had no idea what he was talking about. Then she turned around and saw her father standing there.

Pericic's father had flown in from Australia to surprise her.

"Apart from getting married, [that was] one of the most special moments of my life," she said. "I grew up with my father, my mother left when I was young, so he's the most important person in my life. To have him there really did feel like my wedding day. I don't know how I could have done it without him."

Their wedding was simple, but "absolutely perfect." 

Pericic wore a yellow sundress. A friend styled her hair. They got married in town hall and went out to lunch with their families at a small restaurant on the river.

Adjusting to life in Croatia was difficult, but she said it made her stronger.

Pericic didn't speak the language, have a job, or know anyone else when she moved there, but she used it as an opportunity to grow.

"I've spent my life being around other people and traveling and I'd never had an issue making friends, but when you realize that you're living in a foreign country and it's more permanent than traveling, it really hits home," she said. "With nobody to define you — no job, no title, no friends, no family — you kind of have to define yourself again."

Mirko also helped her find her footing.

"He stayed by my side and only continued to show me love, even when I didn't love myself," she said.

She and Mirko will celebrate their third anniversary in August.

Pericic is also launching a website called Total Croatia Sailing to help other people experience the adventures she's had at sea.

"I've woven a life for myself by following my heart, and every step has inevitably led to the next step," she said. "Everything I've chosen, everything I followed my heart to do, somehow led me to exactly where I wanted to be."

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Living with anyone is no easy feat. I always thought having roommates would be like a big slumber party all of the time and for this only child, that sounded like a dream come true.

And though I've been lucky to have great roommates, living with them has involved just as much paperwork and housework as it has wine nights with viewings of "The Bachelorette."

Choosing to live with my boyfriend was similar: I thought every night would be like those we spent in each others' college apartments, eating dollar slices and making out. Don't get me wrong: We still love to order takeout, but living with your partner can be challenging and we definitely slipped up quite a few times along the way.

If I could do it all again, there'd be a few things I'd do differently:

MISTAKE #1: I didn't let him have a say in the home decor.

My boyfriend moved into the apartment I already shared with my best friend and while all three of us were (and are still) close, she and I had our own girl cave going on — complete with sassy signs about wine and lots of fairy lights. 

When my partner and I moved into an apartment with another friend of ours, he meekly asked  if maybe we could leave some of our glittery signs behind with our friend who could appreciate them more.

I felt so awful that I didn't take his feelings into account when it came to decorating our living space. Now, our shared room and apartment are filled with art and mementos that mean something to each of us, and my lone sassy wine plaque has been relegated to the kitchen where it belongs. 

MISTAKE #2: We didn't take stock of what we both had.

Does anyone in the history of the world need five bottle openers? No, but we sure had them. 

Cramming all of our crap in a U-haul was hard enough, but after lugging dozens of boxes up the stairs to our new apartment, we were frustrated to find that we had multiples of a ton of stuff. 

By making a simple list of what we both had, we could have saved our relatives the headache of taking back our duplicate coffeemakers, irons, blenders, and more. Plus, we could have saved room for all of the other cool stuff we bought along the way. 

MISTAKE #3: We didn't come up with a good system for splitting up money.

When you're dating without living together, it's pretty easy to split expenses: You can go Dutch on dinner, Venmo your partner for your movie ticket, and pay them back as you go along.

Cohabitating throws some bigger and more frequent expenses your way. While we used to rely on an "I'll get you back" policy, it's become harder and harder because of all the new, big bills we need to factor in.

Not keeping track of who paid what lead to a lot of miscommunication and frustration at first. While we tried to employ lots of different apps, we found that being strict about how we kept track of our finances lead to a lot of headaches, too.

Our advice? Keep an electronic record (of any kind) to show who owes what, and get the bill settled as soon as possible. 

And don't forget to treat each other every once in a while, too.

The INSIDER Summary:

• Chelsea Snow joined Miss Travel, an online dating site for travel lovers. 
• She's been on seven international trips since then — all expenses paid.
• The website is clear about there not being any escorts allowed, and Snow says that there’s no pressure to be romantic.

One year ago, Chelsea Snow joined Miss Travel, an online dating site for travel lovers. Since then, she's gone on seven international dates — all expenses paid.

"I've always wanted to travel, but money has been an issue. These guys pay for me to share incredible experiences with them, and my life couldn't be any better,” Snow told a UK newspaper recently. "I joined Miss Travel as I've always had a passion for exploring and going to new places, and now I hope to meet the man of my dreams at the same time.”

The 20-year-old went on her first jet-setting date just a month into joining the site, when a male suitor flew her from her home in Orlando to London. She has since been on 29 other dates and visited Costa Rica, Paris, New Zealand, Norway, and a number of U.S. states.

"I was a bit skeptical at first, but I soon connected with a few guys,"Snow added."When one proposed a trip to London, I couldn't wait to pack my bags.”

The Miss Travel website makes it clear that “escorts are not allowed” and Snow says there’s no pressure to be romantic. "Most of the men, who are in their 20s and 30s, are tired of traveling alone and just want someone to keep them company and I'm more than happy to do that,” she noted. "There's no pressure there sexually, either. I like to get to know each person individually first and then just go with what feels right.”

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We've all swooned over our favorite TV couples, wishing that we had a love as pure as Jim and Pam from "The Office" or as exciting as Carrie and Big in "Sex and the City."

And while it may be unrealistic to think that you can get a handle on your relationship as quickly as your favorite small-screen pairing can, the struggles that they go through will actually teach you a lot about issues in your real-life relationship. 

From dramas to comedies to shows where dragons fly through the air, there is something to be learned from even the most tumultuous of love stories. 

Jon Snow and the wildling Ygritte from "Game of Thrones" teach us not to judge a book by its cover.

Jon Snow and Ygritte didn't see eye to eye when they first met — seeing as their respective social groups were mortal enemies — but they ultimately fell in love to create one of TV's most swoon-worthy romances. Even the actors themselves fell in love.

And despite the fact that Ygritte was a wildling and Jon Snow was a member of the Night's Watch, they looked past their differences to realize they were made for each other.

This is good to keep in mind when dating in real life, too: Just because someone isn't exactly your type or may have different life experiences than you doesn't mean they're not worth getting to know. 

Randall and Beth from "This is Us" teach us to know our partner's values.

When "This Is Us" premiered, many joked that it should be renamed "The Randall Show." He and his wife Beth emerged as a true testament of what a healthy and modern-day partnership was in a show that spends half of its time stuck in the past. 

When Randall reconnected with his father, William, Beth was supportive and involved, even when Randall's family could be overwhelming and crazy. She grew to love William like her own family and encouraged her daughters to spend enough time with him, because she knew that's what Randall wanted. 

After William died, Randall picked up on the fact that Beth was hurting too and allowed her to give his eulogy in one of the show's most emotional moments.

These two show how important it is to know what's important to your partner and make it a priority to honor that — no matter what is going on. 

Miranda and Steve from "Sex and the City" teach us it's okay if your relationship is imperfect.

When people think of "Sex and the City," they usually think of Carrie's amazing shoe collection and her over-the-top romance with Big. But, one of her friends and her husband actually had a low-key, inspiring marriage. 

Miranda and Steve did not always have an easy go of it: She got pregnant after they had already broken up and he eventually cheated while they were married. But through it all, they managed to find their way back to each other and worked hard on their relationship. 

A lot of love stories, especially those told on TV, tend to buff away the rough edges that go along with being committed to another person. But, it's important to remember that no relationship is perfect and many couples have to get through some pretty choppy waters to make it work. And that's okay.

The INSIDER Summary:

• Experts say that you usually have sex more frequently and spontaneously in the beginning of your relationship.
• Later in your relationship, it can take some work to keep that going. 
• A study showed that happy couples have sex about once a week.
• The average couple has sex anywhere between once a week to a few times per month. 
• But more sex does not always equal more happiness.

There is absolutely nothing like a new relationship. You are totally psyched about dating this cool person, they're exciting and attractive, which probably means you're having a lot of sex. Like, all of the time. 

Once you've been dating them for a while though, things can have a tendency to cool off. While you can still have a hot and fulfilling sex life when you're deep into a relationship, sometimes your job, kids, cat, or the new episode of "Game of Thrones" can get in the way.

And that inevitable ebb and flow of how often you're getting busy can lead many to wonder, is this normal?

Seriously, Google "how often is it normal to have sex" and you will find a treasure trove of message boards, articles, and frantic pleas for answers. And the answer can depend on a lot of things, from your age to your sex drive to your partner's sex drive to the weather — ever notice how there's always so many babies being born nine months after a blizzard?

There is truth to the fact that new couples tend to have more sex, and we have science to thank for that.

New couples can go through a phase called limerence, which can last from 18 months to up to 2 years, according to Sari Cooper, Certified Sex Therapist and Director of Center for Love and Sex. Limerence, a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in her book "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love," is a time when your brain releases chemicals bonding you to another person and create euphoria around the relationship.

And during that time, you may be getting busy a lot, but that doesn't necessarily set the tone for the rest of the relationship.

"I think the frequency of sexual activity at the beginning of a couple's relationship is not a good predictor of how frequent their sex life will be later on or over a long term period,"Cooper said to INSIDER.

But, it doesn't mean that frequent sex is good for nothing (obviously!). Cooper said that actually, limerence can be a great time to experiment and discover what will make your partner tick for the rest of the relationship.

"I think a couple has their own rhythm and each individual have their own unique level of libido,"Cooper told us. "Part of the enjoyment of being a new couple is discovering parts of your erotic experience that you may not have known before solely because of the unique connection you have with your partner and the type of experiences, desire, and curiosity they have."

Once you're settled into a relationship, it can be hard to keep up with a "normal" level of getting it on.

Many people are self-conscious about the amount of sex that they have with their partner and how that plays into their relationship, which Cooper attributes to humans' natural tendency towards competition.

"Most people want to feel 'normal' or, if they're competitive, 'above average' and are influenced by culture to regard sex almost like a sport, replete with statistics, averages, and such," she said.

If you do look into concrete numbers of how often happy couples should have sex, you'll see a few figures come up. Astudy published in Social Psychology and Personality Science in 2015 found that on average, happy couples had sex about once a week, and that is a common figure you'll see cited.

Quality does not always mean quantity as the same study also found that couples who had sex more than once a week did not report being any happier. But couples who did the deed less than once a week reported feeling less happy. 

"Although more frequent sex is associated with greater happiness, this link was no longer significant at a frequency of more than once a week," lead researcher Amy Muise said. "Our findings suggest that it's important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don't need to have sex everyday as long as you're maintaining that connection."  

And that study is consistent with another one performed at Carnegie Mellon University, which prompted couples to have sex more often that they normally do. They actually reported feeling more unhappy as compared to a control group who proceeded to have sex as often as they usually did. 

For long-term couples, it's all about making the time to connect.

Cooper said that long-term couples who aren't having sex as frequently may be relying on that spark from the beginning of their relationship to get things going, when actually, it takes a little more work and careful planning. 

"When a couple passes the two year mark, the challenge is not to depend on spontaneous desire to drive a sexual connection," she said. "Frequently, couples wonder why they're not having sex as frequently when in fact they've over scheduled their lives, left fewer times to 'date,' and expected the same level of desire and initiation to occur. For these couples I invite them to be more intentional about leaving some chill time that's unstructured, screen-free, and relaxing to invite 'spontaneous' desire to emerge."

And that can be even trickier when you get married and have kids.

Between house work, careers, and possibly raising little ones, sex can require a little bit of compromise and even some negotiation skills, Cooper told INSIDER. 

"Many married couples have increased responsibilities that may include child-rearing, jobs, more financial debt that can cause them to feel more stress and perhaps to work longer hours," she said. "Depending on each partner's intrinsic desire, I coach these partners to negotiate a number that is in the middle of their desire for sexual connection, whether it's a desire for emotional closeness or an erotic experience. Research shows that having skills to negotiate an agreed upon compromise leads to more sexual satisfaction."

Surveys have varied pretty broadly on how often married people are actually having sex, but most — including a University of Chicago study and a Newsweek survey — put the number somewhere between once a week and a few times a month. A parenting.com and HLN survey found that just 45% of parents were hitting the once-a-week mark, while 30% said they had sex a few times a month.

But you shouldn't compare your relationship — or sex drive — to other people.

There are definitely no one-size-fits-all statistics, said Dr. Michael Aaron, a licensed sexologist and therapist in NYC. 

"On average, I've seen about twice a week, although roughly 16% of relationships are totally sexless," he said to INSIDER. "I think focusing on frequency is detrimental since it adds unnecessary pressure. Most important is that both people get the kind of sex they want."

The experts seem to agree that whatever amount of sex you're comfortable with having is the right amount. If you or your partner want to switch up the number or spice up your sex life, all it takes is some open and honest communication. 

"Be curious, ask questions, and stay vulnerable," Aaron said. "Lead by speaking in 'I' statements, rather than making accusations."

"If you're in a rut, switch things up," he continued. "Add some variety. Get out of the house and stay in a hotel, if you have to. Even changing location helps energize a feeling of staleness."

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On May 18, I got to attend Bungie's big "Destiny 2" event with my older brother Michael. It was a precious memory I'll never forget.

This is Michael. He's three years older than me, but we're both very similar: We have similar senses of humor, we both have beards — his is black, mine is red — and our voices sound almost identical. We also share many of the same interests, particularly in movies, games, and pop culture. He's always been there for me over the years, in both good times and bad. He's my best friend, and I love him dearly.

But since we live on opposite ends of the country — me in New York, and him in Los Angeles — it hasn't always been easy for us to keep in touch. Thankfully, "Destiny" is a big reason we've stayed connected over the years. And at the "Destiny 2" reveal event, we got to spend a full day geeking out to our favorite video game together. It was just like the old days.

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Michael and I both grew up playing a lot of video games together, usually in the basement of our old house in Connecticut. As kids, games were an easy and fun way for us to connect, talk, and work together.

One of my fondest memories was playing the classic Zelda game "Ocarina of Time" with him: He'd be the one actually playing the game, while I'd serve as a form of navigator, keeping track of his goals and looking at physical game guides in case he got stuck. As a young kid, I didn't always feel brave enough to play some games myself, so I was happy to watch him play. (To this day, I still enjoy watching other people play video games, usually on YouTube.)

In our teenage years, Michael and I played lots of "Halo" together. We'd play cooperative missions, but we spent most of our time playing multiplayer matches against each other. We spent countless nights playing on the "Hang 'Em High" arena, with rocket launchers only.

Michael regularly got the drop on me: He was so much better at "Halo" than I was, since he was quick to memorize the layouts of the arenas. He'd usually sneak up on me, jump in the air and shout "Death from above!" right before nuking me with a rocket and cackling with delight. He won almost every match we played, but I still had fun.

The INSIDER Summary:

• A company called DataRobot has created a quiz, based on a study, that tries to predict how good your chances are to stay with your partner.
• The quiz asks about your ages, education level, your relationship status, how long you've been together, how many young children live with you, and how many relatives you see per month. 
• The company's director made clear it's not perfect math, but the questions are based on science so they can give you a good idea of where you stand. 

Being in a relationship is a lot like taking a bet. You slowly put more and more chips down — spending time together, moving in together, marriage — and the relationship either pans out and you have a big payout, or you have to cash in and start over. 

Well, one tech company is trying to help make your bet a little safer using science and data to determine just how good your odds are of staying together. With just six questions, DataRobot claims to give you an analysis of how likely it is that you and your partner will last. 

The questions are based off of a Stanford study called "How Couples Meet and Stay Together" and the company took traits found in that study and saw how they correlated to long-lasting relationships, according to Greg Michaelson, DataRobot Labs' director.

"We were interested in identifying the characteristics of couples that tend to be predictive of long-lasting relationships; predicting how likely a given couple is to stay together; and most importantly, building a simple quiz application that any couple could use to determine how long their own relationship might last," he wrote in a blog post.

Most of the questions are pretty standard for anyone who was (or is) obsessed with taking relationship quizzes in teen magazines — with a few surprising twists. 

The first question, an expected one, asks about your relationship status. According to the study, married couples are "dramatically" more likely to stay together. I checked the "living with partner" box which apparently greatly decreased our odds since it shows we can't commit. Don't rush me, robot!

The next question was also pretty standard: how long have you and your partner been dating? This also notably allows you to add decimals, so I put in "2.5" because I need all of the help I can get. This greatly decreased our odds because it's not really all that long. Good thing I added the decimal! 

Next, you input yours and your partners' ages. Apparently couples with a bigger age gap are more likely to break up than couples with similar ages, according to the study. I'm 24 and my boyfriend is just about a week shy of 24 so this slightly helped our chances. 

Up next was your education level — completing either high school or college was a good indicator that you're built to last. We met in, and both completed, college so I marked that down. That helped our odds so really, it makes all those student loans worth it.

This next question was pretty surprising: how many children between the ages of two and five live with you. It seemed surprising until the obvious was stated: living with pre-school aged kids can make life pretty stressful and cause tension in your relationship. Thankfully, we only have a misbehaving cat and a well-behaved roommate so I put zero. This helped our chances. 

The most surprising question of all was the last one: how many relatives do you see on average each month? Apparently, couples that interact with more relatives tend to stay together longer, according to the study. We both live several states away from our families but see them fairly often both in person and on FaceTime so I said one as an average. This hurt us but only a little.

All said, we have about an 84.3% chance of staying together for two more years and I will take those odds; especially since I have no idea what kind of person I'll be in two months let alone two years. 

But, if you and your partner get a low score on the quiz, never fear: Michaelson made it clear in a blog post that while the quiz is based on hard evidence, it is mostly for fun and is not the end-all be-all of your relationship. 

"We're not relationship experts and we're not trying to give you advice about yours," he wrote. "The factors that we considered may or may not be causal. We're just using the correlation to make a prediction"

If you want, you can take the quiz for yourself here.

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Rachel Sussman, a licensed therapist and marriage counselor, is no stranger to little white lies. 

"Probably every week someone comes in and tells me something dishonest that they found their partner doing," she told INSIDER.

Some small fibs are no big deal, but others can undermine the trust that holds a relationship together. Sussman explained the difference.

Little white lies should be so benign that getting caught in them won't negatively impact your relationship.

Sussman said the foundation of every relationship is integrity, and that it's important to distinguish between a small, inconsequential lie and outright dishonesty.

"You have to ask yourself that if you get caught, and there's a really good chance you will, will that cause a problem in your relationship?" she said. "Will that cause a bigger problem in your relationship than having been straight up?"

For example, Sussman said telling your partner you bought a new item of clothing on sale when you didn't, or saying that it's not new and you've had it since last year, is fine. Your partner might roll their eyes or express exasperation, but they likely won't feel deeply hurt and betrayed.

"To me, a white lie should be something that's really benign," she said.

Lying about more substantial, delicate matters can have more significant consequences.

If you say you've never been in debt but your finances tell a different story, that could undermine your partner's trust. If you struggle with addictive tendencies and aren't truthful about how they affect your life, your partner might feel misled. 

While coming clean about these issues isn't always easy, Sussman said that having an uncomfortable conversation is much better than lying and getting caught later.

"If you go out of your comfort zone and you have a confrontation that's uncomfortable for you but you hold your ground and you say 'Look, I'm being honest with you' ... in many ways that's so much easier and so much better than being caught and being called a liar," she said. "That guilt, that shame, that humiliation, feels a hundred times worse than the pushback might be."

SEE ALSO: There are 3 warning signs a couple's relationship could be at risk after having a baby

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