• Gwyneth Paltrow is engaged to Brad Falchuk. Both are divorced with kids.
• It seems like Paltrow's ex-husband, Chris Martin, and Falchuk get along.
• Experts say it's important for people in that situation to have at least a cordial relationship, for the kids' sake.

Gwyneth Paltrow is officially engaged to Brad Falchuk, after three years of dating.

Reports of their engagement had been circulating since November, when Entertainment Tonight suggested that the couple had already been engaged for a year.

One of the most intriguing parts of Paltrow and Falchuk's relationship is that Falchuk seemingly gets along with Paltrow's ex-husband, Chris Martin. Paltrow and Martin "consciously uncoupled" in 2014; together they have two kids, Apple and Moses.

In November, Paltrow publicly flaunted the positive relations between her ex and new fiance, posting an Instagram photo of Falchuk and Martin side by side, with the caption, "Sunday brunch #modernfamily."

A few days later, an anonymous source told People magazine that Falchuk and Martin had already met several times, and that "Chris accepted Brad a long time ago."

The source said, "It's amazing to see how the two families have come together with their kids." Falchuk is also divorced with two kids.

This, relationship experts say, is a wise — if unusual — move. Though neither expert I spoke to knows Paltrow personally and can't speak to what's right for her and her family, each shared some general thoughts on the situation.

"It does not happen a lot," said Hal Runkel, a marriage and family therapist. But "it absolutely is advisable." When you're co-parents, as Paltrow and Martin are, Runkel said, "you are still a family after the divorce."

Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of "Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband)," agreed that inviting both your ex and your new partner to brunch isn't that common. And it's not necessary for everyone to be best friends.

Still, Syrtash said, "I wish more exes modeled that, for the kids' sake, everyone can get along."

Unfortunately, "divorcing well"— which includes being cordial to your ex's new partner — "is not something that's common," Runkel said.

On the other hand, exes who never had kids together don't necessarily have to stay connected. In fact, if you feel like you absolutely must introduce your ex to your new partner and you don't have kids together, Syrtash recommends asking yourself why. Runkel called it "totally unnecessary."

After a breakup without kids, Runkel said, "you're not trying to repair your past." Kids, on the other hand, are "about the present and the future."

SEE ALSO: I spent a week skipping breakfast and working out for 2 hours a day just like Gwyneth Paltrow — and it helped me break some of my worst habits

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• Gwyneth Paltrow is engaged to writer and producer Brad Falchuk.
• In Goop magazine's "Sex & Love" issue, which hit stands today, Paltrow wrote about how their relationship has helped her confront a fear of intimacy.
• "For the first time, I feel like I'm in an adult relationship that is sometimes very uncomfortable."

After multiple unsubstantiated reports over the past several months, Gwyneth Paltrow has officially confirmed that she's engaged to boyfriend Brad Falchuk. She shared the happy news in this month's Goop magazine's Sex & Love issue, where she opens up about her super sweet — and surprisingly relatable — reasons for giving marriage a second shot.

"Personally, at midlife, I have tried to accept how complex romantic love can be," Paltrow writes. "I have decided to give it a go again, not only because I believe I have found the man I was meant to be with, but because I have accepted the soul-stretching, pattern-breaking opportunities that (terrifyingly) are made possible by intimacy."

The lifestyle guru goes on to say that Falchuk challenges her to communicate and to share a connection with someone in a way she never has before.

"For the first time, I feel like I'm in an adult relationship that is sometimes very uncomfortable — because he sort of demands a certain level of intimacy and communication that I haven't been held to before," she says. "What came up in the first couple of years of our relationship was how incapable I was in this realm — how I feared intimacy and communication."

Paltrow and Falchuk first met in 2014 when she guest starred on "Glee," the show he co-created and executive produced. They started dating following Paltrow's 2014 split from Coldplay singer Chris Martin, with whom she remains close and amicable as they co-parent their daughter Apple, 13, and son Moses, 11.

Paltrow says in the magazine that her divorce from Martin, which was finalized in May 2016, caused her to feel ashamed for a long time after. "I'm actually the only one in my life who got divorced," she admits in the issue. "This used to feel like a failure; it took me a while to reframe that divorce isn't a failure."

Now that she's been able to move forward from the difficulties, she's found happiness once again — and we couldn't be happier for her. Congrats to the happy couple!

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• Paris Hilton has said she never fights with new fiancé Chris Zylka.
• Some experts say you can have conflict without fighting, while others say fighting before marriage can be productive.
• Ultimately, don't compare your relationship to the way someone else's relationship looks from the outside.

I recently profiled Paris Hilton's relationship with new fiancé Chris Zylka. More than once, I noticed, Hilton has publicly described her partner and their partnership as "perfect." Each has dropped the F-bomb — "fairy tale"— when referring to the other.

But the most sweet/gross characterization of their relationship I came across was this: In November 2017, Hilton told US Weekly, "I think we're the only couple that never fights. All my friends are like, 'Literally, you guys are the perfect couple. I've never seen you argue.'"

Zylka chimed in: "We communicate well."

My initial reaction to this assertion was, Boy are you two headed for disaster! Everyone knows a couple that never, ever fights has more problems than a couple who's constantly squabbling.

Not all experts would agree.

Let's start with the word "fight." If by fighting Hilton meant bickering — getting angry, yelling, name-calling — then not fighting might be a great thing.

You can still have conflict, but you can manage it without fighting. The difference is more than just semantics.

As clinical psychologist Susan Heitler wrote in a blog post for Psychology Today, "Marriage fights, that is, arguing at any level of intensity, reflect a breakdown in partnership." She added, "A zero-fighting policy makes couples far happier.  That doesn't imply that differences should be swept under the rug.  To the contrary, no-fighting policies need to be combined with solid collaborative win-win dialogue skills."

John Gottman, a relationship expert and the co-founder of The Gottman Institute, has said that conflicts are inevitable in any relationship —  it's all about how you manage them.

Gottman previously told Business Insider: "In really good relationships, people are very gentle with the way they come on about a conflict." In good relationships, "they don't bare their fangs and leap in there; they're very considered."

For example, Gottman said, "Instead of pointing their finger and saying, 'You a--hole!,' they say, 'Hey babe, it's not a big deal, but I need to talk about it and I need to hear from you.' In bad relationships, it's, 'You're defective, and you need therapy.'" 

Don't compare your relationship to someone else's

Interestingly, one 2012 study published in the Journal of Family Issues suggests that if you experience a lot of conflict — defined as disagreeing with your spouse — today, you'll probably still have a lot of conflict 20 years later. So if Hilton and Zylka don't duke it out now, that might bode well for their future as a couple.

On the other hand, psychologist Shauna A. Springer wrote in a blog post for Psychology Today that "fighting" before marriage is a positive thing, as it "allows each partner to gain a rich source of information about the process of how you fight and whether you can learn to have conflict without weakening your bond."

Springer recommends that "couples in the pre-marital phase of their relationship proactively ask each other lots of hard questions to set off some hidden land mines before they consider marriage." (Think a real-life version of the Mandy Moore film "License to Wed.")

Hilton has said her friends think she and Zylka are the "perfect" couple because they don't argue. Yet while her friends are entitled to fawn — and you knew this was coming — there's really no such thing as a perfect union.

A couple may have an ideal dynamic they're working toward, and that's great. But comparing your relationship to someone else's, especially when you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, is rarely a good idea.

SEE ALSO: Paris Hilton just got engaged with a $2 million ring — here's a look at her 2-year relationship with actor and model Chris Zylka

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NOW WATCH: How to keep the passion alive in your relationship, according to a relationship scientist

• As a Christmas gift for his girlfriend, sketch artist Kells O'Hickey drew the couple as characters in 10 famous cartoons.
• From "Family Guy" to "Rick and Morty," O'Hickey drew inspiration from shows that he and his girlfriend have watched together.
• O'Hickey is now going viral after sharing his drawings on Instagram.

Sketch artist Kells O'Hickey is going viral for a thoughtful gift he gave his girlfriend this past Christmas.

On Sunday, the Minnesota-born artist shared his gift, a series of original drawings, on Instagram. In the drawings, O'Hickey and his girlfriend, Lindsay, appear as characters in 10 different famous cartoons.

O'Hickey had previously drawn a few pictures of himself and Lindsay in the cartoon styles of "Futurama" and "Adventure Time." Her reaction inspired him to draw the couple as characters in all the different shows they've watched together, the sketch artist told BuzzFeed.

Check out O'Hickey's amazing drawings below.

Here's the couple as characters in the video game "Cuphead," inspired by the rubber hose style of animated cartoons in the 1930s.

Here, the two are imagined as characters in a classic animated Disney movie.

Here's the couple as characters in "The Simpsons"

They look a little different as characters in "Family Guy."

The couple could be mistaken for "South Park" characters in this sketch.

Here's the couple as characters in "Bob's Burgers."

This sketch shows what they would look like as characters in "Dragon Ball Z."

Here's the couple as characters in "Rick and Morty."

Here's how they would look in the style of "Adventure Time."

And here's the couple as characters in "Steven Universe."

INSIDER has reached out to Kells O'Hickey for comment.

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• Kim Kardashian West has recently been sporting a platinum blonde 'do. 
• The reality star took to Twitter to contemplate her next hairstyle, including a fan's suggestion for bright red locks.
• Kardashian West also revealed that her husband, rapper Kanye West, prefers her blonde hair to her natural color.

Kim Kardashian West is a noted hair chameleon. In the last few months alone, she has transitioned seamlessly from her natural dark color to platinum blonde to an icy blue hue, all while keeping it impossibly healthy (no, it's not a wig). 

And now the reality star is thinking of changing her hair again. Kardashian West took to Twitter to contemplate a new look, questioning her recently added blonde extensions. 

The KKW Beauty founder even considered a fan's suggestion for dramatic, bright red locks. 

In the midst of these important musings, the soon-to-be mother of three revealed which hairstyle her husband Kanye West loves most.

"Does Kanye prefer dark or blonde hair?" a fan asked.

"Both but maybe a little more blonde," Kardashian West replied.

This is not the first time that the rapper has weighed in on his wife's appearance. West has famously revamped the selfie queen's style — and even dissuaded her from wearing big sunglasses via email.

But it looks like West doesn't have to worry about a change just yet. Despite pondering a return to her roots for the new year, Kardashian West reassured her followers that she won't be mixing it up any time soon.

"So, Kim please tells us are you going back to your dark hair anytime soon or nah?" one fan asked.

"Not right now," she replied. "Since [my hair is] newly bleached I have to wait a few weeks to change colors. Maybe when the roots grow out too much [I'll dye it brown]. It will be years before I go blonde again so have to enjoy it."

Kardashian West also replied to a tweet that had concerns about her hair's future.

"Please don't tell me Kim's bringing back dark hair and keeping her short hair," the user wrote. In response, she insisted that she will "never" go back to this style — which had other fans pretty bummed.

Although we can all agree that the media mogul can rock a variety of styles, nobody knows what the future will hold for her famous mane — including, apparently, Kardashian West herself. 

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NOW WATCH: An exercise scientist reveals exactly how long you need to work out to get in great shape

• I recently spoke to several married couples in which both partners are relationship experts. I asked how they managed conflict.
• Everyone said they tried to stay curious about their partner, instead of getting angry or defensive.
• Curiosity is a notoriously hard skill to develop, but it pays off.

I recently spoke to a series of married couples in which both partners are relationship experts.

When I asked how they coped with friction in their marriages, everyone had a similar response: They stay curious.

Peter Pearson, PhD said it's a skill that's notoriously hard, even for people who are trained in couples therapy, as he and his wife, Ellyn Bader, PhD, are. Together, Pearson and Bader run the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California.

Pearson shared an example of how curiosity might work in his relationship. He and Bader have long had different levels of tolerance for clutter.

When they first recognized this discrepancy, Pearson said, Bader might have asked her husband questions like, "When does clutter cross your threshold of unacceptability?", "In your family of origin, how did they deal with clutter?", "How much effort would it take from you, Pete, to become more conscious of clutter and do something about it?", and "What could I, Ellyn, do to support you in being more conscious of clutter and doing something about it?"

The question that would have gotten them nowhere: "Why are you such a slob?"

Other couples explained how curiosity can replace anger or hostility.

Carrie Cole, MEd, LPC, and Don Cole, DMin, LPC-S, LMFT-S, who are the research director and clinical director, respectively, at the Gottman Institute, shared a recent example. Carrie was visibly upset with Don because she'd asked him a question and he'd blown her off. Instead of getting defensive, Carrie said, Don got curious.

He asked questions like, "Why did that bother you so badly?" and was willing to listen to the answer. Carrie told me it's about feeling validated. "For somebody to say, 'Tell me more about that' and 'Where does that come from for you? What's your history around that?' That really soothes me."

Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, president at the Gottman Institute, said her husband and cofounder at the Gottman Institute, John Gottman, PhD, adopted a relationship-strengthening strategy directly from their own research early on in their marriage.

"If I was really upset about something or making a complaint about a behavior of his," she said, "rather than going defensive, he would say, 'What do you need? Honey, what do you need?' And immediately all the tension would met away. The anger would melt away. It was a balm to my soul."

Why? "Because John recognized that when I was upset about something, first of all my feelings were valid," she said. "He loved me and my feelings mattered," plus he showed a willingness to help ease her distress.

Try to be open and patient the way you were in the early stages of dating

My favorite take on the role that curiosity plays in a relationship came from Suzanne Pileggi Pawelski, who, along with her husband, James Pawelski, PhD, wrote the forthcoming book, "Happy Together."

While drafting the book, Pileggi Pawelski and Pawelski realized they had very different approaches to research and writing. Pileggi Pawelski told me it was helpful to take a step back instead of becoming infuriated when her husband analyzed and deliberated over decisions she would have made much more quickly. That allowed her to remember that Pawelski was "trying to make a better project for the two of us."

Pileggi Pawelski said that in the beginning of a relationship, "You ask a lot of questions and then later you get into a relationship with someone and you assume you know them." At that point, you're "just not as open as in the initial phases. For whatever reason, we all fall into a pattern."

The antidote, it would seem, is mindfulness. You want to be aware that you don't always know what your partner is thinking, or what motivates them to act the way they do. Instead of leaping to conclusions, and then to anger, ask questions and be willing to listen to the answers.

SEE ALSO: How to have a successful marriage that lasts, according to relationship experts who married each other

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NOW WATCH: A relationship psychologist explains why marriage seems harder now than ever before

Though it might be preferable to gracefully waltz into love, it’s not called falling in love for nothing. Meeting someone new, whether it’s on a blind date, online or even through a matchmaker, and developing feelings for them is messy, it’s overwhelming, and is actually accompanied by its fair share of strange physical signs.

Just in case you haven’t heard it a million times, you should listen to your heart, literally. According to science, your body is actually trying to tell you that you’ve met the one… or at least the one for now. Either way, these are the strange symptoms of falling madly, deeply in love.

You're actually feeling less pain, emotionally and physically.

Though it's always a gamble as to whether it'll end in pain with a breakup, the beginning of love is actually painless, at least physically.

According to the New York Times, researchers from Stanford University found out just how love can feel like the ultimate drug, a painkiller that leaves the human brain unable to register pain at its pre-love levels.

For participants, looking at a picture of a loved one reduced moderate pain by about 40% and eased severe pain by about 10 to 15% in comparison to seeing a snap of an acquaintance. Talk about the friend zone.

You feel kind of drunk.

No, it's not just those after-work margaritas and/or the pre-date tequila shots to calm your nerves. Love leaves you feeling a little bit buzzed, thanks to hormones.

According to CNN, when you're in love you may feel uninhibited, unafraid, and more boastful because of oxytocin. University of Birmingham researchers looked into existing research on the effects of both oxytocin and alcohol. They technically occur in two different parts of the brain, but they actually have similar outcomes.

Your oxytocin levels may have you acting a little differently, especially when you're around your crush. And they said act natural. Good luck!

You're unable to form words.

There's a reason you can't form words around your wannabe bae and it has nothing to do with their perfect hair or adorable smile.

Blame nor epinephrine. Though it's still being studied, according to Health, this powerful hormone increases your heart rate, getting you all sorts of hot and bothered (read: flustered and fumbled) when your crush so much as approaches.

You're just going to have to do a little practicing, because for now, it looks like a cat's got your tongue.

• Although Josh Duhamel and Fergie announced their split last September, they remain committed to co-parenting their 4-year-old son, Axl.
• Duhamel recently opened up about their family dynamic in an interview with E! News, revealing that he still has a "great relationship" with the "Fergalicious" singer.
• "All we want is the best for our son, so it's a bit of a juggling act."

Fergie and Josh Duhamel may have separated romantically, but their priorities remain the same. 

Duhamel recently opened up about their co-parenting style in an interview with E! News, revealing that he still has a "great relationship" with his ex. He also praised the "Fergalicious" singer, calling her a "great mother."

"It's going really well," Duhamel said. "All we want is the best for our son, so it's a bit of a juggling act but we're both grown ups who can handle a lot. And he's happy. That's the main thing."

The former couple shares a 4-year-old son, Axl. They were together for 13 years before announcing their split in September.

Fergie echoed Duhamel's sentiments in multiple post-breakup interviews. In September, she revealed to Entertainment Tonight that although the two are "not a romantic couple anymore," they still prioritize their son and family dynamic.

"We are still Axl's parents through and through, and our families — each other's families, the cousins, my nieces and nephews — it's all the same," she said. "Our families are families together and that cannot change."

Duhamel has also spoken openly about Fergie's parenting prowess before. The "Unsolved" star discussed their "questionable parenting decisions" on Ellen DeGeneres' talk show back in June.

"I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. She's definitely more evolved than I am and more patient," he told DeGeneres. "I'm just doing the best I can and trying not to screw him up for life."

Co-parenting is a difficult but noble task for many couples. We applaud Duhamel and Fergie for their honesty and commitment to Axl's happiness. 

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• "Micro-cheating" involves seemingly trivial behaviors that suggest a person is emotionally or physically involved with someone outside the relationship, an Australian psychologist told the Daily Mail.
• The top signs are secrecy and deception, such as if your partner hides their online chats with someone.
• Ultimately, every couple has to set their boundaries for the relationship.

The Daily Mail on Thursday published an article on "micro-cheating." And depending on your perspective, it could help validate the fears you've been having about your relationship — or create new insecurities.

Melanie Schilling, an Australian psychologist, told the Daily Mail that micro-cheating involves seemingly trivial behaviors that suggest a person is emotionally or physically involved with someone outside the relationship — think listing a "friend" under a code name in your phone.

Micro-cheating, according to Schilling, is fundamentally about secrecy and deception. If your partner is hiding any aspect of their relationship with someone else — say, if they close Gmail the minute you walk into the room — that could be a sign that something's amiss.

Schilling isn't the first to comment on so-called micro-cheating. Urban Dictionary's entry for "micro-cheating"— "when someone cheats on a partner, but just a little bit"— dates back to 2008.

A 2016 Thought Catalog list titled "33 Ways Your Boyfriend is Micro-cheating (and Totally Getting Away With It)" included an example of a boyfriend "gifting his girlfriend with a bottle of the perfume his crush wears so she'll smell like his latest fantasy chick."

It's important for couples to set boundaries for their relationship

The term micro-cheating recalls the similarly salacious and hard-to-define "emotional affair."

As Kristin Salaky at INSIDER reported, emotional affairs are increasingly common. That may be at least partly because of the rise of digital technology and social media, which allows people to keep in touch with exes or have late-night conversations that cross the line without ever getting physical.

If you feel as if micro-cheating — or any kind of cheating — is happening in your relationship, it's important to specify which behaviors are bothering you, Schilling told the Daily Mail. She gave an example: "When you add all the heart emojis in her/his post comments it makes me feel like she/he is your partner, rather than me. Next time, it would be great if you could reserve the online love for me."

A commenter on the subreddit Ask Women, writing in response to the Thought Catalog list, put it nicely:

"I don't understand the concept of 'micro-cheating'. What I do understand is the concept of relationship boundaries. Every relationship partner should have their boundaries and if their partner goes outside of the agreed upon boundaries, then I think that is a betrayal by their partner. Whether or not they want to call that cheating, 'micro-cheating', or whatever doesn't matter to me."

SEE ALSO: The most insidious type of cheating isn't physical — here are 8 signs it could be happening to you

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NOW WATCH: Here’s how people in happy relationships can wind up cheating

• Relationships can be tough and one of the hardest things a couple can go through is infidelity.
• Why do people cheat? There's a lot of confusion behind the heartbreak and so many questions about what changed or what could have been.
• A study sought to answer why exactly people cheat and the most common answer is "lack of love." 

In love, there's always a risk of heartbreak. Seriously, love is a battlefield, to quote Pat Benatar, and dating can be a roller coaster of emotions. Even if you've found the one or you're ready to walk down the aisle, that doesn't mean that relationships are easy or that you're guaranteed to stay together.

One of the most painful dating experiences is being cheated on. Trusting someone and then being taken advantage of is not only unfair and hurtful, it's also confusing.

A new study is hoping to explain some of the confusion and answer the questions behind cheating.

In a study of 495 adults, originally published in “The Journal of Sex Research,” 77% of participants reported that they'd cheated due to a “lack of love.”

This means that the largest number of people had cheated simply because they'd fallen out of love with their significant other, which is a pretty heartbreaking revelation. There are so many other ways to honor and explore these feelings and the relationship, no matter which stage it's in, and without nearly as much heartbreak.

Another 70% said that they'd cheated due to feeling neglected, while 70% of others said that cheating had happened while they were drunk.

Some said they cheated out of anger and others said they were hoping to quell a low self-esteem.

These findings echo previous research, that found that women in both the United States and Europe had cheated because they felt that their partner had stopped giving them the attention they needed. Conversely, when people who identified as men were asked the same question, however, they said that the top reason they cheated was that the person they cheated with was attractive.

Here's the thing: even if you've been privy to the warning signs and discovered someone cheating, going through the subsequent pain that follows betrayal, it doesn't have to be all bad. No matter why your partner cheated, there are ways that you can move forward.

In the end, cheating hurts, but it can also be a good thing. It can be a sign to separate from your partner and move on with someone else who will value you or it can mean that it's time to evaluate your roles in your relationship and grow with one another. You might just be better off.

Dating can be a lot. It's risky. It can mean arguing, laughing, cheating, and even growing despite the heartbreak. It could mean being with the wrong person or finding someone who's totally right for you. No matter what, it's good to communicate, to remain open, and to be aware of each other's feelings. It might just save everyone the heartbreak of infidelity.

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• January is typically the month when divorce filings begin to spike.
• 2018 may be an especially popular year for divorce because of impending changes to US tax policy.
• We spoke to a divorce lawyer and a psychotherapist about the top signs that a marriage is heading for disaster. Those signs include: You've stopped talking, you're fighting over money, and your expectations for marriage aren't being met.

It's divorce season. 

The opposite of December's engagement season, divorce filings begin to spike in January, peaking in February and March.

It's not the gloomy weather that does couples in. Typically, it's the post-holiday jolt back to reality that has them questioning their future together.

"What I find is that most people in December want to get through the holidays. Nobody wants a divorce summons put into their stocking," Jacqueline Newman, a managing partner at a top New York City divorce law firm, told Business Insider.

For couples with kids, it can be especially important to "hold things together" during the holidays, Kathryn Smerling, a New York City-based psychotherapist who helps couples going through divorce, told Business Insider. That's true, Smerling said, even if kids are well aware that something's going on between Mom and Dad.

But once the holiday glow has waned and spouses settle back into old habits, many people flock to Newman's office to get a better idea of what a divorce would look like. She calls it "keeping your options open" month.

"They want to be able to be in a position to make an educated decision," Newman said. "They come in and they say, 'What would happen with my kids? What would it look like financially?' It's the information-gathering stage."

From there, clients are able to digest the practical sides of a split, and many return in February and March ready to commit to the decision. But not every person who consults an attorney ends up actually filing for divorce.

"One of the first questions I ask clients is, 'Are you sure you want to get divorced?'" Newman said. "Because I suggest trying everything you can before you come into my office because you never want to look back. Divorce is financially expensive, emotionally expensive, and you have to make sure that this is exactly the choice that you want to make."

The numbers look different for every couple, but Newman said a typical divorce in Manhattan might cost between $20,000 and hundreds of thousands.

Across the US, the next 12 months may be a more popular time than ever for couples to get divorced.

That's because under the new tax plan recently passed by Congress, alimony payments are no longer tax-deductible. That particular change takes effect January 2019, so couples may rush to get their divorce finalized before then.

It's unclear exactly how this change in the tax policy will affect every divorcing couple. But Newman said that ultimately, there may be "less money in the pot to split" between ex-spouses.

So how can you tell if you and your partner are on the precipice of a permanent split?

While there are no hard and fast rules — by no means do any of these indicators guarantee you're destined for divorce — there are a few signs that could indicate you're in troubled waters.

SEE ALSO: 7 things science says predict divorce

You stop talking

Newman often sees clients who have experienced a complete breakdown in communication. Spouses stop sharing their issues, let alone talk them through.

"It gets to a point where you're not speaking anymore, and then you start to not care that you're not speaking anymore," she said. "Or one person cares and they get angry about it and the other person doesn't want to deal with the anger because they're exhausted or they have their own anger issues. That will ultimately lead to indifference."

Smerling added that couples approaching a divorce are often "not engaged with each other" and wind up living "parallel lives," even if they're living under the same roof.

Your partner has no interest in listening to you — or vice versa

Smerling talked about "stonewalling," which happens when one partner completely shuts down and displays no empathy for the other. For example, the person might "sit there and roll their eyes while the other is talking."

(Interestingly, leading relationship psychologist John Gottman cites stonewalling as one of the key predictors of divorce.)

You've become a 'pursuer' and a 'distancer'

Smerling often sees one partner trying to make a connection with the other, who keeps retreating further away because they've lost trust in their partner.

"Nothing the partner says resonates," Smerling said. "You can see a roadblock in communication."

Typically, the more the pursuer tries to rekindle the connection, the more the distancer withdraws, which only prompts the pursuer to work harder. Smerling described it as a destructive "cycle" that's hard to break.

Alternatively, both partners might withdraw from conflict, which can be an equally unhealthy dynamic. "Those are the people that quietly divorced and surprised everyone in the neighborhood," Smerling said.

• The VIA survey measures you on 24 character strengths.
• In their forthcoming book "Happy Together," a husband-and-wife team recommend having both partners in a couple take the survey.
• Once you do, you can discuss what each person brings to the relationship and work on using those traits more often.

The VIA survey isn't specifically geared toward couples looking to improve their relationship. It's a 120-question assessment that measures you on 24 "character strengths," including creativity, honesty, and leadership.

Yet in their forthcoming book, "Happy Together," Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James Pawelski, PhD suggest that learning more about your character strengths — and your partner's — can change the way you view your relationship, for the better.

In "Happy Together," the authors (who are married to each other) apply the science of positive psychology to romantic relationships. Pileggi Pawelski has a master's degree from the positive psychology program at the University of Pennsylvania; Pawelski is a philosopher who teaches at the program.

Positive psychology focuses on learning what helps people flourish, and the VIA survey — or the VIA Classification of Character Strengths and Virtues — is based on the research of pioneering positive psychologists Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman.

The survey assesses 24 character strengths, which are categorized into six virtues:

1. Wisdom

• Creativity
• Curiosity
• Judgment
• Love of learning
• Perspective

2. Courage

• Bravery
• Honesty
• Perseverance
• Zest

3. Humanity

• Kindness
• Love
• Social intelligence

4. Justice

• Fairness
• Leadership
• Teamwork

5. Temperance

• Forgiveness
• Humility
• Prudence
• Self regulation

6. Transcendence

• Appreciation of beauty
• Gratitude
• Hope
• Humor
• Spirituality

The strengths you score highest on are what positive psychologists call your "signature strengths"— the character strengths "that are most essential to who [you] are," according to the VIA website.

The survey takes about 15 minutes to complete: You indicate how closely each statement describes you.

Once you finish the survey, you choose which report you'd like. I selected the free survey results, which shows how you rank on all 24 strengths. (A snapshot is below — apparently my top character strength is fairness.) For $20 or $40, you can purchase more in-depth information about your strengths.

You can use these results to help strengthen your relationship

In "Happy Together," Pileggi Pawelski and Pawelski outline a number of ways to draw on your survey results to improve your relationship. One is an exercise in which you tell "strengths stories" about your partner.

Each partner tells a story about when they observed the other using one of their signature strengths successfully. The authors write: "It can be incredibly powerful to hear your partner tell you a story of you at your best. It can help you feel clearly seen, deeply understood, and profoundly loved."

Another exercise is to plan and experience a "strengths date." The goal is to create one event in which both partners get to use one of their signature strengths.

Pileggi and Pawelski, for example, ate at a restaurant that features food from Peruvian and Cantonese cuisines. Pileggi Pawelski printed out information about the restaurant's culinary influences and brought it to dinner to discuss with her husband. That's because Pawelski loves to learn, while Pileggi Pawelski loves trying new things.

The important thing to remember about the VIA survey is that it's based on self-report. No one's observing you objectively and deciding you're a loving, curious person — that's determined solely by your responses to the questions. When I took the survey, I found I answered "like me" to most of the questions, possibly because I aspired to those traits and behaviors.

That said, the benefit of having two people in a relationship take the survey is twofold.

One, instead of seeing your partner's tendency to, say, stop and snap a photo every five minutes while you're walking together, you might realize that "appreciation of beauty and excellence" is one of his top strengths. Two, it shifts the conversation away from each person's deficits and toward what each person can potentially bring to the partnership.

It's hardly the only way to revitalize your relationship, but it's a great opportunity to see your partner with new eyes.

SEE ALSO: How to have a successful marriage that lasts, according to relationship experts who married each other

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• Being in a relationship with a narcissist is hard work.
• They are very insecure and sensitive people, which means they can take offence very easily.
• This can end up in couples having the same arguments over and over again.
• Sometimes they are unaware of being abusive to their partners, but other times they will genuinely want to cause them harm.
• Ultimately, as their partner, you have to decide whether the hard work is worth it for you in the long run.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will have been through a roller-coaster of ups and downs.

At the beginning, everything would have been wonderful. You might have even thought you'd found your soul mate. But after a while, things started to go sour.

This is because after a few weeks, months, or even years, the narcissist will no longer see any value in you. As soon as they realise you are a real human being, and thus flawed, they struggle to see the use of you any more. They'll start blaming you for things, shouting at you, or even break up with you, leaving you to try and work out what went wrong.

But for many reasons, it is hard to answer the question: "Do narcissists mean to hurt people?"

Narcissists get offended very easily

Elinor Greenberg, a therapist and author of the book "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety," told Business Insider that narcissists are ultra-sensitive by definition.

"Narcissists are self-protective, and they have their antenna out for disrespect, or for someone taking something from them, and underneath they're very insecure," she said. "You have a whole range of people who are hyper-sensitive, lack empathy, for one reason or another, they don't feel bad when you feel bad, so they can hurt you without realising it."

Despite this, a narcissist's own feelings can be hurt very easily. Because of their high sensitivity, any small thing their partner does can be seen as an attack, and any situation where they are not their partner's focus is very difficult for them.

"For whatever reason, you're seeing a person who is wildly insecure, and has no real inner confidence that they can depend on," Greenberg said. "They depend on external validation."

Without this constant validation by their partner, the narcissist isn't getting what they want, and they end up seeking it elsewhere. This is why many narcissists often end up cheating.

In the heat of a moment, narcissists can come across incredibly cruel. They say things that many people would really struggle to say to someone they supposedly love. Greenberg said this is because of something called "object constancy."

"Object constancy refers to the ability, if someone does something that disappoints you, to put that in the context of the whole relationship," Greenberg said. "I may feel hurt and disappointed but I don't hate you. You're still the person who's my dear friend, and it's in context. If you don't have object constancy, there is no context."

In other words, the when the narcissist is shouting at you for whatever they think you did, there are no memories of the good times in their head. They are totally living in the single moment of being furious with you. In that moment, they truly hate you.

"There's nothing holding it in context that limits it," Greenberg explained. "So it goes from you were all good and a good person, to I hate you, you want to hurt me. You have hurt me, I must hurt you back."

Even the smallest rows spiral out of control

Relationships are hard, even if you are with a non-narcissist. All couples have rows and have to navigate the various difficulties of living with another person. But those everyday spats become all the more serious and devastating to a relationship when the person you have them with always sees themselves as the victim. This makes even the tiniest disagreements escalate into full-blown rows, which can be incredibly exhausting for the narcissist's partner.

"I see women, a number in my practice, who became extremely anxious and depressed, and their capacity to function diminished," Greenberg said. "They had mental breakdowns, and one was delusional and paranoid, because the person just kept at them and at them, and they didn't have the defences."

Sometimes, the narcissist doesn't mean to hurt you. Being sensitive to everything is just how their brains work. And if they are — by their own logic — being attacked, they will bite back even harder.

However, by their nature, they may also want to hurt you too, because it makes them feel superior.

Whether the relationship is worth it is up to you

In some ways, it isn't worth working out what their intentions are because the results are the same. People in relationships with narcissists find themselves wrapped up in the same arguments time and time again. This is often followed by the punishment which could be an explosive confrontation, or cold silent treatment, depending on the type of narcissist they are with.

Greenberg has written an article that lays out the best way to approach a narcissist if you are in an argument with them. They think a completely different way, and so arguments have to be de-escalated differently too.

"Don't expect an apology directly," she explained. "Use 'we' language, and don't ever ask them to process what happened — they can't do that."

Ultimately, it is draining to be in a relationship with a narcissist, and you have to accept the fact they will never empathise with your feelings, no matter how long you are together. Some may learn to be self-aware in time, and learn to notice when they are hurting you. But this still doesn't guarantee they will care.

"Narcissists are primed to be abusive because they're so hypersensitive, and they don't have empathy, and they don't have object constancy," Greenberg said. "So they are primed to take offence and be abusive and not really understand... It's a lot of work for the non-narcissistic mate."

SEE ALSO: The biggest excuses narcissists spin to keep you hooked — and why this makes them dangerous

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• Some of the most common beliefs people hold about relationships aren't actually true.
• Repeating the same mistakes can destroy a relationship.
• A couples therapist breaks down what's wrong with the conventional wisdom.

Can I tell you one of the saddest, most frustrating things for a couple therapist?

It's seeing so many people making the same destructive mistakes in their relationships. Fact is, there are some common relationship beliefs that most people think are true, that actually damage relationships. I regularly see the same unhelpful mindsets leading to pain and disconnection for couples because these unhelpful ideas are so pervasive.

So, it's time for some myth busting in the hope I can save you and a lot of other people from a relationship world of pain.

Belief: It's good for couples to fight to get it out of their systems

Nope. There are many things on which couples simply won't agree, but research shows that one of the greatest secrets to a successful relationship is how well you disagree.

It's essential for couples to talk and help each other manage stress and differences of opinion. So it's vital to learn how to stay present and engaged in a loving way so disagreements lead to greater understanding of one another's points of view. Only then can you look for shared solutions and feel closer.

Fights generally lead to feeling more disconnected, isolated and defensive. Learning how to disagree without fighting — which means saying no to raised voices, name-calling and defensiveness, is possibly the most important of all relationship skills.

Copious research shows that the behaviours most likely to lead to divorce are criticism and contempt, shutting-down emotionally and defensiveness. If you don't know how to disagree without slipping into those habits — get help now!

What to do instead:

Listen instead of talking, take turns to speak and ask yourself this one simple question before you say something you're likely to regret in a disagreement:

Is what I'm about to say or do helpful?

(Meaning, is it going to bring us closer together, or is it going to lead to greater distance between us and growing resentment?)

Let the answer to that question (which should be pretty easy to guess at!) guide you in whether you're on track in your communication, or whether you're likely to do damage through harsh words or a hostile attitude.

Think of your couple as a team. A successful team doesn't waste time and resources scoring points against its own team mates — that would be crazy, right? And you would likely lose the match altogether.

It's got to be the two of you facing the world united.

In-fighting hurts everyone.

And one last thing...

Withdrawing, by which I mean refusing to engage or ‘shutting down' when you're annoyed or disagree with your partner, can be just as hurtful and damaging as being openly aggressive.

If you tend to get overwhelmed in disagreements, breathe, take a friendly time-out, slow the conversation down and tell your partner how you're feeling.

Staying engaged and emotionally present shows that you're committed to finding a solution, even if you don't know exactly how you're going to get there.

Staying warm and connected even when you see things differently deepens trust in each other that you're there for the hard times as well as the easy. That's where lasting love and intimacy really begin.

Belief: All you need is love (to live happily ever after)

OK, in a perfect world the Beatles would be right and love would be all you need, but unfortunately even Sir Paul McCartney learned the hard way that it takes more.

I see too many couples who said well-meaning marriage vows about ‘good times and bad' but settled into a life of complacency and resentment towards each other.

Love is supposed to just happen, and keep happening, right?

What to do instead:

Love isn't hard work, but it doesn't thrive without attention, emotional awareness and engagement.

Resentment and complacency are the enemies of love.

Keeping your relationship connected and passionate takes desire from both partners to stay emotionally present, good humored acceptance (in spades), loads of compassion and flexibility, and a big willingness to apologise when you inevitably screw up.

As much as possible, you need to behave towards one another as you did in the early part of your relationship. Rather than taking one another for granted, behave as you did when you wanted to attract your partner at the start. You seduced them by giving them the best of you — why would you take that away and expect things to remain as good?

The best way to keep your love alive and the passion smoking is to be the most caring, mindful presence in one another's lives 24/7 even in the subtlest of ways.

Keep talking, stay engaged, never criticise, and let compliments and encouragement flow at every opportunity.

For more on creating the relationship you most desire and rising out of challenges and inevitable mistakes, grab a copy of Lovelands.

SEE ALSO: Science says the happiest couples have 13 characteristics

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• Sometimes it can be tricky to work out everything about someone on a first date.
• According to a marriage counsellor, how they answer one simple question can tell you whether you should stick around or not.

First impressions are very important. That's why a first date with someone is so nerve-racking — you have to put your best self out there and hope for an instant spark.

But it's not all on you. You want to actually fancy the person sitting opposite you too. Dating is a way of sussing out whether you want this person to be around all the time or none of the time. Unfortunately, this is made even more difficult by game playing, emotional barriers, and the fact Tinder exists.

According to marriage counsellor Robert Maurer, author of "One Small Step Can Change Your Life," the essential predictor for a successful relationship isn't shared interests, the same job, or sense of humour. No, it's cutting to the chase with one simple question:

"So how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?"

In a blog post on Psychology Today, he explained: "Your date will hopefully hear this question as a compliment but their answer is usually revealing. Everyone makes mistakes in dating and that is not the issue.

"As they relate the stories of their last relationship(s) are they taking any responsibility for choosing poorly or not having the right skills at that point in their lives? Are they taking any responsibility for the last relationship not working?"

If their answer portrays them as the victim, then Maurer says you should run. Relationships are a two-way street, and unless you're dating a narcissist, you are both likely to have played some part in your previous break-ups.

But some people always blame others for relationships not working out, which is a major red flag.

"All relationships run into stumbling blocks," Maurer wrote. "When you hit the inevitable rough patches, will they look for ways to help or wait for you to take the blame, the whole blame, and nothing but the blame?"

He added that two renowned marriage researchers, John and Julie Gottman, have found that the key skill for a successful relationship is being able to "repair" and resolve issues together.

"It is hard to make an effort to repair if every problem is the other person's fault," he wrote. "So look for someone who is willing to look inside for the source of the problem and for solutions, nothing is more vital for a relationship to thrive."

SEE ALSO: You've heard of 'ghosting' — here are the 14 modern dating terms you need to know

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• Gigi Hadid recently posted a video on Instagram of her boyfriend, Zayn Malik, dancing shirtless. 
• Fans noticed that Malik had a new tattoo: a pair of eyes that look similar to those of Hadid. 
• Reactions over the new body art were mixed. 

Zayn Malik is known for expressing himself through his collection of body art. The former One Direction singer infamously got a tattoo of the word "love" while rumors were swirling that he was engaged to his girlfriend, Gigi Hadid. Now, Malik may have declared his affection for Hadid in a similar — yet somehow more intimate — way. 

The supermodel recently posted a video on Instagram featuring her boyfriend's killer dance moves. Malik was sporting a long jacket without a shirt underneath, giving fans a clear look at his midsection's ink. 

Some eagle-eyed fans noticed that a new tattoo, a pair of eyes in the middle of his chest, looks suspiciously similar to Hadid's own pair. 

Here's a closer look at the tattoo:

Naturally, fans went wild in the comments section of Hadid's post. Some were supportive, while others were skeptical.

"He got your eyes tattooed in his chest," one fan commented. "So cute 😍😍😍."

"This guy does not get it. Another tattoo for another girlfriend," another wrote, referencing Malik’s arm tattoo of ex-fiancé Perrie Edwards, which he appears to have covered up since their split in 2015.

Twitter users were similarly preoccupied with the theory.

Many fans used memes to express their concern over the ex-boy band member's decision. 

Still, many fans stand by Malik, and are glad that he seems happy in his relationship. 

Until either Malik or Hadid confirm the inspiration for this new ink, this is all speculation. Although, if the theory is true, it certainly does add another layer to the phrase "I've got my eyes on you."

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1. The cheater knows what they’re doing is wrong.

It's easier to point the finger at the cheater and blame them for betraying your trust. But, believe it or not, you may have set yourself up for heartbreak by not clearly communicating your expectations with your partner from the beginning. "One of the main predictors of cheating has to do with not having the uncomfortable monogamy conversation early on," says Sadie Leder Elder, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at High Point University in North Carolina.

"People are too scared to say, 'I like you and don't want you to be with anyone else.'" It's important to be upfront with your partner about what you want, need, and expect from them. If they can't give you the type of relationship you're looking for, then your best bet is to move on before you get hurt.

Watch out for these 12 signs your partner is cheating on you.

2. Cheaters are narcissistic and manipulative.

Cheaters come in all shape, sizes, and personalities, which means they're not always the relationship villains we portray them to be. "Some cheaters have a more deeply ingrained unconscious, self-sabotaging style," says Anthony Tasso, PhD, ABPP, clinical psychologist in Whippany, New Jersey. "At the core, they don't feel worthy of a healthy relationship so the affair becomes an avenue to undermine and possibly destroy their partnership." (Here are 17 signs you're the toxic one in the relationship.) 

3. Affairs only occur in unhappy relationships.

Perfectly healthy, happy relationships are just as susceptible to infidelity as troubled ones. There are many motives for cheating, but affairs aren't always a symptom of a relationship gone awry. Sometimes, people use affairs as a subconscious device to find their true identity or live a life they've never known. "A relationship can become familiar and mundane so someone may need challenges in life," says Foojan Zeine, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Tarzana, California. "They need some kind of impulsivity to create aliveness." (Here's why happy relationships are the key to a fulfilling life.)

• Michael McNulty, PhD, studied why marriages fail and found that when one or both partners have checked out of a relationship, it could mean a breakup is near.
• That stage is typically preceded by negativity, contempt, and emotional overwhelm.
• You have the best chance of saving your relationship if you address problems sooner than later.

I recently read a novel that's partly about the dissolution of a marriage.

Years after the split, the ex-husband asks his wife, "What do you tell people when they ask why we got divorced?"

The ex-wife hedges for a bit, and admits she had "a hard time explaining it."

I'd been somewhat confused, too, about why the characters chose to divorce — or maybe I was just disappointed. After all, there was only one screaming-fight scene — mostly the ex-wife lamented that her husband wasn't really emotionally present anymore, at least not in the way she needed him to be.

This is the story arc I kept mentally revisiting after my conversation with Michael McNulty, PhD, a master trainer at the Gottman Institute and the founder of the Chicago Relationship Center. McNulty was telling me about the "distance and isolation cascade," the clinical term for the slow and steady march toward the dissolution of a marriage.

There are four stages in the cascade — a pattern labeled by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Gottman, PhD, the husband-and-wife cofounders of the Gottman Institute. The fourth and final stage (I outline the first three below) is the most deceptive because it's when the relationship is least volatile, when the conversations are least heated.

"Marriages often die more by ice than by fire," McNulty had told me in a previous conversation. In other words, disaster often strikes when one or both people in the couple check out.

Here are the four steps, according to McNulty:

1. More negativity than positivity

Partners express more negativity — in their verbal statements and their body language — than positivity during conflicts. "Even slightly more negativity" is a predictor of divorce, he said.

2. The four horsemen of the apocalypse

Business Insider's Erin Brodwin has covered the four horseman before: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (blocking off conversation during conflict).

The worst behavior is contempt, which is when one partner acts superior to or disgusted with the other. Think eye rolls, or curling your upper lip while the person is speaking.

3. Flooding

Here's where anger comes in. The partners in the couple are overcome with emotion and with the physiological response to stress — think sweating and an accelerated heartbeat. Their bodies go into a fight-or-flight state when talking about the conflict, McNulty said.

4. Emotional disengagement

This is the stage where it's "too hard to work things out," McNulty said. Overwhelmed, one or both partners may disconnect from the relationship. McNulty said they may live "more like roommates than lovers or partners."

In their 1999 bestseller "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," John Gottman and Nan Silver write that "some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by staying together but leading parallel lives."

The "death knell" for these couples is also characterized by four final stages:

1. The couple see their marital problems as severe.

2. Taking things over seems useless. Partners try to solve problems on their own.

3. The couple lead parallel lives.

4. Loneliness sets in.

Gottman and Silver write: "When a couple get to the last stage, one or both partners may have an affair. But this betrayal is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause."

Gottman and Silver recommend that couples seek help for their marriage before they hit this final stage. For sure, it's easier for an objective person to say than it is for someone inside the relationship to do. But it's worth taking a step back if and when you can.

I started to get a glimpse into why the couple in the novel, who'd been together for 16 years and had three children together before the divorce, opted out of trying to resuscitate their marriage. In a way, it might have been too late. The ex-wife, and maybe the ex-husband, too, had resigned themselves to a lifetime of loneliness and misery if they stayed together.

There's no saying whether they — or any real-life divorced couple — could have "made it work" if they'd addressed their problems sooner. But if Gottman's research and McNulty's experience are any indication, they would have had a better shot.

SEE ALSO: Couples think they go to counseling because of money, sex, and parenting — but therapists know the real problem is usually lurking underneath

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• Talking about race can be difficult, especially when you're dating someone of a different race than you are. 
• INSIDER asked three different couples how they discuss race within themselves and with others. 
• They stressed how important it is to have an open dialogue. 

In regards to race, this past year has been a nearly-unprecedented catalyst for conversation, especially when it comes to the roles that race plays in personal and romantic relationships. For every positive, empowering moment of progress, it also feels as though there’s another tragic moment of loss or discrimination.

The movie "Get Out" created many of those new conversations, leaving audiences in awe and opening new opportunities for black filmmakers and actors in horror movies. Despite its success, though, the film has been the subject of controversy when it comes to awards show season and largely-white film critics’ interpretation of its genre.

Recently, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle made royal history with their engagement. Despite the happy occasion, there were the inevitable trolls and the prince and his bride-to-be were forced to open up about the "disheartening" criticism of their interracial romance. Early in their relationship, Harry was even forced to defend Meghan from those who were making racist remarks towards her.

As of 2017, interracial marriages were at an all-time high, according to NewsWeek.

What does it look to be an interracial couple in 2017? How do couples navigate generations of complex and sensitive topics?

For me, it meant seeing "Get Out" in a heartwarmingly diverse and incredibly-welcoming theater with a boyfriend, only for us to be referred to as "O.J. and Nicole" at a bar a week or two later. Though no two relationships are the same, some of the microaggressions, the experiences, and the conversations mirror each other for interracial couples.

Three different interracial couples spoke candidly to INSIDER about their own journeys in their relationships, including the first time they discussed race and how they make their time together work in an often-tumultuous social and political climate. Each story and couple is different, but if they share one thing, it’s the desire to remain honest and informed.

Keenan Bell and Ryan Quinlan

Keenan Bell and Ryan Quinlan have been together for four years. They attended college together at Ohio University. Before they were even officially dating, Bell said that they discussed race openly, but one specific conversation left them asking deeper questions.

"When I met his family, they were talking about how Tea Party members are idiots and they stopped and were like, 'Are you a member of the Tea Party?'" Bell recalled. "Later on, I was talking to Ryan and I was like, 'That was so weird that your parents even had to ask if I was a Tea Party member. I'm black.'"

"Well, they wouldn't just assume that about you," Quinlan replied.

According to the Pew Research Center, nearly four-in-ten adults say that that the growing number of interracial marriages is actually good for society. This figure is a significant growth from those of previous years.

In Bell's experience though, it doesn't always feel that way on an everyday level.

"I don't know if it's something people assume or if it's just my own anxiety and paranoia. Probably both," Bell told INSIDER. "But I always worry that when black people see me with Ryan that they automatically think the worst of me like I'm just another light-skinned girl who thinks she's better than darker [people of color] or that I'm not concerned about social justice issues."

Though this sense of dissonance is a common phenomenon, Bell wants people to know that it's possible for her to be both active in fighting racism and in an interracial relationship with a white man.

She said she's also prepared for the future, already aware of the fact that she will likely have children of mixed race one day.

"I don't think [Ryan] would be prepared [to have a child that looked black] because I don't know how as a white person you can be fully prepared to raise a child who will grow up with problems you've never faced before," Bell said. "He would definitely embrace having a kid that looked black. It adds a layer of difficulty, but Ryan tries really hard and I love him so it's just something I've chosen to live with."

Taylor Durbin and Nick Jones

After almost a year together, Taylor Durbin and Nick Jones say that they talk about race often and are comfortable discussing their viewpoints as a couple.

"You need to be understanding and care about how the other person feels towards different subjects," Jones told INSIDER. "It doesn't hurt to talk about [race] and honestly, talking about sensitive topics is one of the biggest parts of being in a relationship and understanding another person."

"We talk about [race] often, actually," Durbin agreed.

Jones said that their first discussion about race began with a simple question.

"She asked me if I had ever dated anyone that wasn't white, which I hadn't," Jones said.

"That's a conversation I try to have as soon as possible so that I can determine if we'll be compatible," Durbin told INSIDER. "I asked how he felt about police brutality and the [Black Lives Matter] movement because that stuff is important to me, so I wanted to be sure that we were on the same page before we continued developing our relationship."

And the discussion doesn't stop simply within the confines of the partnership. There are other people involved in relationships as well.

"I ask the questions about family," Durbin said. "How his parents would feel about him bringing home a black girl. When I asked about his family, he was like 'of course they don't care,' so that was a relief. His family really likes me."

In any relationship, family can play a role in how two significant others function together as a successful unit.

In 2013, about one-in-eight marriages or 12% of new marriages in the United States were interracial, according to the Pew Research Center. Despite the growing numbers, the same study stated that two-in-10 biracial black and white adults reported a family member treating them badly because of their multiracial status.

The impact of a family's attitude can make or break the status of many relationships, but for Durbin and Jones, it's not on their list of concerns.

In fact, Durbin said that her list of concerns actually shrank as she began a relationship with Jones, giving her faith in the strength of their bond.

"What kind of made me love Nick, even more, was that he never made me feel uncomfortable in my blackness," Durbin said. "When I change my hairstyle, he loves it no matter what ... He's never made me feel like the 'angry black woman,' which I feel happens to me a lot … He's never sexualized my blackness or made inappropriate jokes about it. He truly loves me no matter what and that, to me, is so important, especially in an interracial relationship because sometimes lines can get crossed that don't exist in same-race relationships."

Asia Harris and Cory Wasmer

Cory Wasmer and Asia Harris have been together for about eight months, but Harris' awareness of Wasmer's relationship to her race came early on.

"It was definitely within the first few weeks, maybe month, of us talking," Harris said. "I was appreciative that he never used any of the 'compliments.' 'You're pretty for a black girl,' or 'I was never into black girls before you.' I'd heard it all before."

When Harris expressed this to Wasmer, she was even more impressed by his reaction.

"He said he was surprised and saddened to hear that I have heard that so much," Harris said. "I think that conversation led to us talking about whether or not we'd dated outside of our races before. I told him that I had a handful of times and he stated that he never had until me … I walked away feeling good about him."

Harris and Wasmer said they don't make racism a major talking point, but it's not because it's something they don't care about.

"Because the general consensus surrounding the relationship regarding the interracial aspect has been positive thus far, it isn't a primary topic of discussion, honestly," Harris said.

"I am definitely the one who will bring it up if it ever really is a conversation," Harris said. "A black woman with a white man isn't necessarily what people see every single day in Ohio."

Harris' sentiments echoed Durbin's earlier comments about the importance of making sure that everyone, including family, is informed.

Harris was especially touched when Wasmer's family seemed to have their own moment of concern regarding how the couple would navigate a trip to the South given that, according to the 2017 National Crime Victims' Rights Week Resource Guide, hate crime victimization rose 7% from 2014 to 2015. 

52% of these reported hate crimes were anti-black, which is particularly troubling.

"We were traveling to the south to watch the solar eclipse. I was worried," Harris said. "I don't know of what or why but you just never know in this day and age. I remember expressing those concerns to him. He was 100% understanding of my concerns. We borrowed his mom's car to go to Tennessee, so we went to his parents' house before our trip and she kind of sat us down and let us know like to be aware of our surroundings and she even mentioned the fact that we could be a target, being that we are an interracial couple. I think her conversation and concern with our well being made me appreciative of the fact that it seems like this family is rather 'woke' to what is going on in the world."

Harris and Wasmer said the importance of familial acceptance, and protection is so important. If their families didn't have their backs, it could have a major impact — or even end — a relationship.

"Based on my interactions with his family and everyone that I have met in his life thus far, they are all welcoming, accepting of me and us, and I honestly don't ever feel like I am treated differently," Harris said. "I think if it were otherwise like if his family didn't agree with us or had a problem with me, I don't want to say I wouldn't be with him, but it would definitely be harder for me."

In this case, despite the negatives and the risks, the positives feel like major wins. In the face of such a deeply unfortunate paradox, healthy, open, genuine conversation feels like an answer to the problem, and to watch love unfold with each new discussion feels like even more of a remedy.

The resilience of love trumps ignorance and hatred. That ability to love despite the challenges is what tips the balance all the way in favor of what is right. To quote Durbin, "I've never been happier with anyone else." And that's what matters.

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• People who are very receptive to the emotions of others are known as empaths.
• They are also very sensitive to noise, smell, and being around people.
• This means they are overwhelmed in crowds, and get exhausted in social situations.
• Psychiatrist Judith Orloff, an empath herself, works with others to help them with the challenges.

Empathy is the ability most humans have to understand the way someone else is feeling. Unless you are a psychopath, narcissist, or sociopath, you will have the ability to feel empathy for others on some level.

How much empathy we feel is on a scale, and some people feel it more intensely than others. People very high up on the scale are known as empaths, and they take it to the next level.

"An empath is an emotional sponge," Judith Orloff, psychiatrist and author of "The Empath's Survival Guide," told Business Insider. "[They are] somebody who absorbs the stress and also the positive emotions into their own bodies from other people."

They don't have the filters other people do

Being an empath doesn't just mean having a lot of compassion. In many ways, empaths don't have the normal filters other people do. They take in a lot of what's going on around them, and are very sensitive to noise, smell, and excessive talking. This means they are easily overwhelmed in crowds, and can be exhausted after just short periods of time in social situations.

"They have gifts of intuition, of depth, of really caring for others, and having deep compassion," Orloff explained, who is an empath herself. "They often give too much. They sometimes take on their loved ones' pain in their bodies, so they actually feel it."

They need time alone

To unwind, empaths often need time alone. Sometimes they need to sleep alone, which can be a tricky conversation to have with a partner. Things you expect in a relationship like being close can be draining to an empath, even if their partner's intentions are good.

"I've known empaths who like sleeping alone, but they can't tell their partner that. They just can't go to sleep easily with someone in the bed," Orloff said. "They toss and turn, or get in uncomfortable positions. One of my patients called it the 'snuggle hold,' where their partner liked to snuggle, and she felt she was trapped."

It may be hard for some people to comprehend the idea of needing alone time in a happy relationship. This is one of the reasons empaths are often misdiagnosed as having depression or anxiety. They might be anxious and depressed, but this could be a result of the way they are being forced to live their lives.

After years of being told they are "over-sensitive," many empaths grow up thinking there is something wrong with them, when really they have a gift, Orloff said. If empaths aren't aware of who they are, everyday interactions that others find normal could be causing them damage.

Setting boundaries can be difficult

Boundaries are a real struggle for empaths, one reason being because they always want to please others, and not disappoint anyone.

Unfortunately, this means they can be taken advantage of by manipulative people. Narcissists and empaths attract each other, as narcissists see someone they can use, and the empaths see someone they can help and fix. Orloff helps her clients out with learning to stand up for themselves, and realising what is best for them.

"What I always tell them is 'no' is a complete sentence," Orloff said. "Learn how to say 'no,' but don't get into a big discussion about it. Just say 'no, I'm sorry I can't do this tonight, I'd rather stay home.'"

Orloff has self-assessment test at the beginning of her book where empaths can diagnose themselves. Once they have the answers, she says, they can start trying out some of the techniques, such as meditation.

"Empaths need to know that what they have is beautiful and much needed in our world today," Orloff said. "And so my job as a psychiatrist is to help them with the challenges so that they can embrace and enjoy their gift."

SEE ALSO: The way a narcissist's brain works can help unravel whether they mean to hurt their partners or not

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